A Surprising Way to Stop Tantrums

Such a good reminder, especially now while we’re all home together ALL THE TIME! I also got so much out of Playful Parenting and have recommended it to others. Thanks for the reminder!

When I had a temper tantrum my mom sat me in front of a mirror and told me if I wanted to have tantrum then I could sit in front of the mirror and see how silty I look. Never had a tantrum after that. Lol.

Hello!
I am a psychology trainee and your tip just reminded me of an intervention we use for children with defiant or tantrum behaviors in the clinic– “special time.” You can read a little bit about it here: http://calm4kids.org/positive-parenting-and-pride-skills/ The idea is that generally, parents direct most of their attention to the things that their kids are doing wrong– just because that is what is most disruptive! By providing them with positive reinforcement for positive behavior, they are less likely to resort to tantrums and the like. Additionally, it is reinforcing for the parent to spend time with their child in a way that isn’t stressful, or filled with yelling! Even if a child doesn’t have clinically significant levels of tantrum-ing and is just having developmentally-appropriate tantrums (as it sounds like Anton does), the tip works like a charm. Anyway, I enjoyed this– I always love when people come up with tips that mirror what we do as psychologists on their own!

Here’s a step-by-step of how we’ve handled it (and nipped it in the bud) with all 7 of our kiddos: http://jessconnell.com/how-to-handle-tantrums/ — hope it helps you think it through.

RIE is our lifesaver for tantrums. It is a huge life changer for us. No more power struggles, no yelling, no timeouts. As Magda Gerber once said:” … timeout? Timeout of what? Life?…”
I found this amazing RIE blog that Janet is writting. http://www.janetlansbury.com/
And i also read her two books, just mind blowing how easier life can be. Her book “No bad kids” is my go to “bible” for anything disciple. Hope it helps.

I have twin 5-year-old girls so they’re mostly through the tantrum stage, however a terrible tantrum will erupt every now and then. It’s even worse when they feed off each other and they become 2 magnified tantrums. Although finding the time can be a big challenge at times, I do make it a point to spend one-on-one time with each of them individually and together. The one-on-one time is especially important for twins since they are always sharing everything- including mommy. One of the biggest challenges was when they both needed alone time with mommy at the same time.

When they were infants and started to crawl, jungle-gym mommy became their favorite time of day. I would just lay on the floor and they would climb and crawl all over me like I was a jungle-gym. So much fun for all of us.

XOXO, Amy @ Jeans and a Tea
http://www.jeansandatea.com

A great post, Joanna. Last year when my older son was three we went through a rough patch with him. It came as a shock because up until then he had been the sweetest, most adorable kid. I suppose it was the age, combined with some major changes he had to go through (a new school and the arrival of a baby brother that coincided almost to the day). What changed everything for us was a lecture I attended (out of despair) by a Canadian lady who had developed a parenting system called Educoeur. Her idea is that children are naturally disposed to please the adults they love. When they misbehave it is because they feel a shortage or attention which to them equals a shortage of love and care. Her system advised each parent to spend twenty minutes (what is it about that period of time?) with each child three time a week and give them their undivided attention. The child calls the shots. Also, she discourages yelling (by the parents) and grounding as they hurt the children and do a lot of damage in the medium and long run even if they may deliver results in the short term. I was sceptical at first but when we tried her suggestions it really worked wonders.

Great post Joanna! Well done finding something that works for Anton. I find sensory play really calms my 3yo if she’s having a bad day. Water play such as giving the dolls a bath or playing with toy cars in water, or even ‘washing up’ is great, but playdoh or magic sand or even playing with some uncooked rice to make a picture in a tray seems to calm her down. Playing with her also helps. Especially if I leave all technology in another room and just give her my full attention.

I work full time and get home at about 4pm. I dedicate that hour before the bedtime routine to being on the floor in my girls’ rooms or outside in the garden kicking a ball. It really does wonders for them before I’m occupied with making dinner etc.

There is also that British method for more difficult cases, when a child is furious and screams and throws himself on the floor. You leave a child completely on his own (but in a safe place- for example, in his room or when in store, you just stand nearby) for so long as he is old (three minutes for three years). You are not looking at him, not listening, not responding, even if everybody is watching…Initially for parents it’s very hard to withstand, but it works very quickly.

And I also bet that we don’t need any yoga, if for twenty minutes every day we don’t think about anything else, but concentrating on our child…

What excellent advise! Many years ago when my two girls were 4 and 6, I was given similar advise by a couple of pastors who had a family ministry and had six children! She told me to put aside the housework and spend time actually playing with the children, down on the floor, either reading or building puzzles, but genuinely interacting with them. Once they have the attention they are craving for, they seem to settle down and are less ‘naughty/fussy’. It’s very hard for young children to express that they only want mummy to give them attention and play with them. Nowadays adults have such an overload of technical gadgets to take up their ‘mummy time’ that it is hard for children to feel that parents are engaging with them when their hands are busy on FB and IG.

I loved that book! The Art of Roughhousing is another great one ;) And I also second the recommendation for Hold On To Your Kids…phenomenal.

I love the sweet, honest, down-to-earth manner in which your share motherhood / life nuggets! It’s always so comforting and feels safe + secure, like talking with a friend. Thank you xo

Gottman’s Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child changed our lives as parents. We try (and still fail sometimes) to help our kids recognize and label their feelings. Identifying the correct feeling helps dethrone the inappropriate expression of that feeling. Man, it’s really powerful stuff to say to a 3 or 4 year old kiddo, “I can see you’re upset/angry/disappointed… let me hug you until you feel better”… switch out words and maybe change up what the child might need to help cLm down. It gives everyone a chance to take a breath, and then create room for a discussion about boundaries that need respecting or behavior that needs correction.

My daughter is in play therapy for selective mutism (she talks a blue streak to us but not anyone else at age 4). Sometime last year we were having issues where she was unrecognizable due to crazy tantrum behavior that we really had never seen. We had an ’emergency’ session with her therapist for just me and my husband….and got instructed on how to play! We felt a bit like morons, but it worked like a charm. The key thing she told us: “children are told what to do all day every day. Their only domain to be in charge is during play time, so when you engage in play it is ALL on their terms.” She also related that ‘doing’ something with your child, such as a craft or planned activity, is great but is NOT play. It was life-changing, truly. Also, however, I discovered how pathetically HARD it is to just ‘be’ and reflect back to my playing child. But I also realized letting her be 100% in charge for 15-20″ during her free play was not too much to ask!

My kiddos are grown now (20 and 22), but when they were toddlers the tantrums were definitely an issue. At one point I stumbled upon a little trick that worked really well: it was a two step process where I would (1) very sympathetically tell them that I was sorry they were so sad and (2) tell them to let me know just as soon as they were done.

I know it sounds like a very touchy-feely 70’s thing to do, but it works! First, you are validating their feelings by telling them it’s ok to be angry/sad/whatever (three is, after all, a terribly difficult age to be!), then you disengage and politely ask them to let you know when they are finished “tantruming” so that you can give them some cuddles. This allows them to feel all their feels and then move on to getting some warm hugs and comforting words.

Good idea – a lot of tantrums are about attention so I suppose it makes sense. I read someplace last year that playing rough with them if they are on the verge of a tantrum can help. It said to pretend to be a bear/gorilla/dinosaur etc and allow the child to wrestle you until they knock you over. It gives them a sense of control while also working out aggression and frustration. I started using it straight away. It works great for my 5 year old when he gets home from school over-tired and not knowing how to manage his emotions. It’s the most stressful, highly charged part of the day. The 5 yr old and 3 yr old boys can’t be left alone for 5 seconds without starting to fight and the 1 yr old likes to get in the middle of anything that is happening. The screams and tears are ridiculous but when I pretend to be a gorilla nd let them take turns to knock me over – making them really work for it – they end of laughing and giggling in no time. I like that it is a very controlled game – each gets a turn and they are not allowed to hurt.
For my 3 yr olds screaming tantrums, I take him outside and ask him if he can scream louder. Tell him it’s good to scream outside but that once he is finished just let me know and we can go back inside. Giving him permission to scream seems to take away his need to scream!

No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury was a complete and total game changer for us. We’ve not made it to 3 yet so there are sure to be many challenges ahead but it was a real paradigm shift for us as parents and relieved so, so SO much of the pressure I was putting on myself to constantly fix everything or risk having her ‘issues’ be my fault.