“I’ve Never Thanked My Parents for Anything”

I am a south Indian born American, immigrated nearly 18 years ago. When I grew up in India, thanking anyone in the family was considered very formal and distancing the relationships. So I was never used to thank inside the family. When I thanked my dad over the phone for lending his car and driver during our last visit which made our life a lot easier, he said protested saying that it is his duty to help his daughter but I could read the gladness in his voice. My Mom has now started thanking for the things that I buy for her in the both the countries by mentioning them and how it has helped her. My MIL and FIL manage ro appreciate the things and helpful deeds I do for them. These make me feel wanted and valued. Moving to America, I, my hubby and my kids have imbibed the American common culture of saying thank you and please in the family as well. I am practicing it with both the sides of the family and have seen the difference it makes when you spell it out loud. Now I have got so used to being thanked by my kids and family for the big and small chores I do for them that I was shocked by my husband’s niece’s(who was brought up in India and now got a job in US) behaviour of not only not saying thank you but passing not so positive remarks for the favors that I do for her. I thoufht that, She waa normally not a rude person but this behaviour was very rude. Even after gently mentioning it she vociferously defended her behaviour that she appreciated the help but it is not neccessary/ norm to let me know. That really bothered me and makes me think twice about the next time. But I recognized this pattern of patriarchical behavior from south India, where the DIL of the family is culturally expected to thanklessly lick everyone’s butt and bear all criticisms with out a retort. You don’t hear a thank you or kind words. If you don’t hear anything, then you did a good job! Many educated and independent DILs feel used up and unappreciated because of this uptight culture and increasingly do not want to be in such culturally abusive but accepted paradigms thus increasingly seek either divorce or nuclear families in south India. Saying thank you in the family should be incorporated in to the south Indian society to bring to everyone’s realization of the importance of not only feeling thankful but also realize the value of help and benevolence inside the family. If you appreciate the help why not say it out to the person who did it! After all someone took the time, love and effort to do things for you! If at all the family structure needs to live like it had been just say simple words like thank you! In a world where you increasingly communicate over a distance most of the time, words play a major role. Use nicer words inside the family as well! Communicate fellas!

My comment is kinda opposite. I am American, brought up to always say thank you and having to kiss/hug hello/goodbye to my relatives when gathered together for holidays. I always felt uncomfortable having to hug/kiss my relatives. Later as an adult I realized I felt this way because both my parents never practiced this type of relationship with me, meaning they never hugs me or kissed goodnight ect. They were distant, not close so when I was told to hug and kiss my relatives is was a foreign concept.
All through my childhood and even to this day I tell my mother thank you when it is required and even try to make her believe it by including an explanation as to why I am thankfull. The thing is, it is never reciprocate, just like hugging me to say hello or to show affection as parents do with their children so they know they are loved. I do the opposite of how I was raised and probably go over board with my own 2 girls so they know they are loved and dont go grow feeling awkward when hugging myself and those close to them. They tell me love me just because as I do them and its a normal thing. To this day and my entire life because of the way I was raised, I never get to hear my mother say she is thankful for anything I have done for her or offer her. Instead she will compare me to someone else and say things like ” you should be more this or that ” Being raised this way keeps a void between myself and mother. Even if she is proud of my accomplishments in life like my career, my children ect. I wouldnt know this. In fact as hard as I try to please her or to know I am loved and am important to her, I wouldnt know this and do not feel good enough through her eyes. In recent years I have told her this and made it known by telling her, ” you know mom, its ok to tell me you love me or hug me when we see eachother or talk on the phone, because youve neglected to say/do these things all your life” Even after making it clear she lacked these skills and then attempting to correct these mistakes, it feels very forced because I know she is uncomfortable. Also, she can tell me I am more important to her than for example a new boyfriend. Its the decisions that follow that comment that makes it untrue or not felt to feel real. Such as, spending Christmas holiday with the boyfriend and his family while her only living daughter and 2 grandchildren sit home alome as they werent invited and have no other family to be with.
So, with this said, in my American upbringing…it is not a way of life to live or believe it is the duty of the parent to things for your child as a given and thats how it should be. Sounds wonderful though. If you dont have to tell your parents thank you for their kindness it is because it is a known fact the child is thankfull and the parent lives for their child. And thats the way it. This brings the child consistent knowing they are important to their parents and are truley loved and wanted in their parents eyes. Saying thankful is a way of simply showing respect to my mother. My current relationship with my mother is having to please her, make sure she knows I appreciate her and that she deserves to be happy. It is the opposite way around. It is very hard this way. There have been great periods of time I wouldnt be able to keep a relationship like this with her as it was becoming very stressfull day to day and it was easier not having her in my life. Now I realize I have to accept what I can get from her and thats it. Ive tried talking, she refuses to see a therapist with me, if there is anyway to make her see her daughter aslo needs to know she is important and appreciated I would love the feedback to try with her. My father was never close to me growing up but today after years of prison d/t alcoholism he shows me more acceptance and love than anyone else. My mother looks at this as a betrayal to her and she tells me not to speak to my father. She doesnt approve of myself keeping a relationship with him and remains very vocal about this. When I lost contact with my father last year because he was back in jail for breaking his probation..when he was out 6 months later he called my mom to obtain my number to contact me. She refused to tell him so I couldnt keep any form of a relationship with him. Another 6 months went by and by coinsistence I learned where he now lived and was able to speak with him again. This is how I learned this. Her side of the family, well according to her all feel I am stupid if I want to continue to maintain a relationship with my father. She doesnt get it that even though he messed up a big part of his life and suffers from alcoholism that he by far goes out of his way to keep in touch with me by simply calling me on a weekly basis and is persistent. He tells me he realizes he was only their for my brother as kids and is sorry for this but wants to make it up to me and keep a close relationship with him now if I allow him this. He tells me I am important to him and being a grandpa is the most important thing in his life. My mom would simply tell me im stupid to believe him. Thanks for any comments or suggestions to gain appreciation by my mother.

I have a different take on this. I also grew up in India and was constantly told by relatives that I didn’t need to thank them. But my parents always taught me to thank people and I agree with them. Thanking does not create formality and distance. Instead it reminds people to be grateful. Kindness in any form should not be taken for granted. Saying thank you reminds people that they are receiving kindness from another person and that they should acknowledge this. My parents and I continue to show kindness to each other in every way possible, even though they live in India and I live in Norway. Each act of kindness is always rewarded with a thank you. The more one says “thank you” and reflects on it, the more gratitude one feels.

That’s true I never said thank you or sorry to my parents.. it sounded so weird but now it has changed most of the kids in Indian cities say thank you and sorry to parents … my son does that all the time..

I am Jamaican. We follow the typical training of children: teaching them to say ‘thank you’ and “I am sorry”. My mother was a strong believer in this; however my father believes that children do not owe their parents anything except just being good children. Growing up and even now that I am near 50 he still complains when I use the words ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ to him. He says children are not obligated to parents but parents are obligated to children.

I have a 19 month old boy and we talk a lot. Lately he has been saying thank you to people when we are out in the world and I always smile and feel happy about it. I had this slightly uncomfortable interaction with him today though when I bought him a new thermos and he seemed to really like it. I told him to say thank you….but as I was telling him I felt really silly. It was as if I was telling him to do it out of habit(this is how my parents treated me sort of thing) and when I heard myself telling him to thank me it felt really wrong. I much prefer what I read in this post(:

So interesting! My husband and I started learning Hindi and someone asked us what the word for please was, we had no idea. Even when we were India no one had taught us what it was. Whereas if someone came to Canada to learn English please, thank you and sorry would be some of the first words you would be taught!

Even the sub cultural differences between how my husband and I were raised is so different in this area (despite both being Canadian). In his parents home if you don’t say thank you for everything, multiple times it is rude. Where as in my parents home we were taught to do things without expecting to be thanked.

Also interesting what A.Madhavan said, I wonder how the gender issues play into saying thank you in India as well and what women there are really feeling.

Oh yes, we Indians don’t believe in formal “thank yous” and sorry, we are expressive in that way!

joanna! i am SO glad you posted this! i just began nannying for a family that comes from India and i was just saying to my partner, “she is just the sweetest little girl, but she never says ‘thank you’ and i can’t figure out why!?” i’m so pleased to have a different perspective on this, and now i know that i’m truly considered part of the family as it’s not expected for her to express her gratitude to me. also such a relief that it isn’t something i feel the need to address any longer. xoxo

My husband is South Indian so I am very familiar with this concept. By the time I came along into my husband’s family, I thanked my Telugu mother in law for everything, especially when she cooked for us. She told me that she had never felt so appreciated in her life. She also complained a lot about how nobody appreciated her hard work, nor did anybody ever think to thank her for it because that’s what she was culturally “expected” of her to do. In India, many women of that generation are born into families and taught that they are inadequate for being born female, and that men somehow are superior. All the housework and child-rearing duties fall entirely on the women because they are viewed as lesser than men, and nobody is ever entitled to thank them.
I wanted to point out one thing as well, the article writer is a man; and India is also a culture which is just beginning to come out of patriarchy. Many times women and their non-stop hard work within the home is not appreciated nor acknowledged – and not thanking them for all they do…only benefits men who believe they are entitled to it because they were lucky enough to be born men.
While I do appreciate the article, there is a lot of gender based cultural context to it.

We moved 3 years ago from England in Finalnd I it was shock for me that in finnish langauge they don’t have the word “please” and don’t use “thank you” at all! my daughter is 4 and she is not using “please ” she is just saying : ” mummy give me that!” Like ans order ! So I can relate with your article a lot! Great reading!

I say ‘thank you’ many times… I’m in my thirties but with no kids yet and still I realize more and more how lucky I am to have my parents as my parents. So I also tell them that and let them know they raised us well and prepared us good for life and to be kind people. I also give them presents that they would not get themselves, like a fancy romantic dinner or flight tickets. If you do it for Christmas or their birthdays, they are not so good at refusing. ;)

Hi Joanna,
I live in Bangalore and even now as a 30 year old, whenever I am at my mother’s home, my dad will get gas filled in my car, my mum will get my clothes washed(and ironed!) and pack dinner just so that I don’t have to cook when I get back to my apartment – all without expecting to hear a thank you.
On the flip side, I am expected to go to their place (20 miles away) and water their plants when they are travelling, pay for dinner if we go out, buy a new microwave oven because they want it and not expect to hear a thank you from them. Its more a system of “doing-your-duty-towards-the-ones-you-love”. That way LOVE is implied and not told.

In hindsight, this does lead to quite a bit of take-for-granted and be-taken-for-granted scenarios. This are definitely changing in recent times and just last month I heard my mum thank me for paying for her vacation. Now if you ever see pigs flying – go right ahead and assume that my staunch Indian mother used the word LOVE ;)

I love this piece so so much and find other cultures’ perspectives on this issue fascinating. I struggle with how to express my gratitude. For example, I know that thank you notes are polite and expected where I live, but I sometimes feel insincere writing them–especially when I’ve already had an opportunity to express my gratitude in person. I also struggle with how to thank my parents. They do SO much for me, and I want them to know that I’m aware and appreciative. But I also know that they wouldn’t have it any other way. I took the opportunity this Mother’s Day to thank my mom (or at least try): http://afriendlyharbor.com/2015/05/10/happy-mothers-day/

I was born in India but brought up in the UK and I think I mostly agree than in Indian cultures there is less of an emphasis on verbal manners and more of an emphasis on showing appreciation through actions.

Whilst I think excessive uses of please and thank you and other formal words do create barriers between family members (I see this in my boyfriend’s white British family), I think the Indian system of behaving in a certain way to show appreciation links a family together too much – if such a thing exists. By not saying please and thank-you, you instead have to give your parents and family an overly large influence on your life. To be specific, my parents want me to marry another Indian and if I don’t then they will see it as me betraying them/not paying them back for all the effort they put into raising me. There are of course other examples – choice of degree at university, choice of job…all the way down to more mundane examples.

Another poster put it just right – modern Western cultures are more about individualism and Eastern cultures are about collectivism. Both have positives and negatives. The negatives of Western cultures are that sometimes you don’t have a comprehensive family network to care for you and you feel you can’t ask certain things of your parents. The negatives of Eastern cultures are you’re very much expected to toe the party line with regard to marriage, sexuality, social life, even dress code – which can be restrictive. I’d love to be able to give my children a happy medium – Eastern style support and unconditional love whilst still allowing them to make their own decisions.

I recently lived in France for a year and was completely fascinated that they didn’t have a word for “You’re Welcome.” Which is what I automatically say in response to thank you. Even the phrase “De Rien” wasn’t often used, instead a nod or a small smile in response to Merci. I’m from the South though and Thank You’s and thank you cards are a huge part of the culture. I have to admit I do find it bizarre when my best friend writes and mails me a thank you card for a bridal shower gift or the like, but its just what you do! Interesting topic though!

Interesting! I’m Norwegian and we say thank you to our parents (but not I love you, at least not in our family! That would be soooo strange!!) My parents help us a lot, and I say thank you and try to help them back as much as I can. I have a two year old son, and I’m so proud when he says “thank you” when he gets something from someone. I feel like I’ve done my duty by learning him to say it. <3 cultural differences <3 :)

I grew up in India, and yes, I find it odd to say a thank you every time. Saying a thank you hasn’t been imbibed in us, however, I make it a point to still say a few thankyous – every time I am touched by another person’s actions – even if it is my mom.

I think that’s so true… I’m Chinese but was raised in a Western environment my whole life but my family and we still rarely say ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you’ – we’re a unit, a family, we are together and always will be there for each other, it’s almost something that doesn’t need to be acknowledged, which always makes me feel like I have a super supportive, safe cloud of people around me, regardless of circumstance :)

LOVE THIS. I feel like “thank yous” between close family members, like parent and child, create distance and formality; it starts to feel like loving actions are conditional. I was raised to say “thank you” for EVERY THING, but that’s not how I’m raising my kiddos. Thanks (haha) for sharing this.

Growing up in North America (in Canada), my parents taught me that saying thank you was part of being polite, and was necessary for human interaction. I can understand the cultural differences though. I feel like my parents have done so many things for me, and continue to do things for me, that I could say thank you non-stop for the rest of my life, and it would never be enough. I try to be there for them when they need me, I spend time with them, and will continue to do all I can to keep our relationship strong.

Kristi | Be Loverly

I am Indian, born and raised there, and now live in the United States. I completely understand the sentiment echoed in this article, it would be embarassing for me to say please and thank you to my parents and close relatives. Raising a child in America comes with some intersting challenges in these departments, especially when you don’t want your child to be perceived as rude. Agree with the “I love you” echoed in comments too, my parents rarely said it to me and I felt completely loved still! But I say it 1000 times a day to my own child.

I’m a life-long Wisconsinite (and raised by life-long Wisconsinites) so thank you is probably the phrase I say most often throughout the day. (Once when I was out for drinks with friends, they laughed at me for saying “thank you” to the ATM when it dispensed my cash :D) I believe firmly in the importance of saying please, thank you, you’re welcome (I judge dates on whether they say “thank you” and “please,” especially to the waiters and bartenders), but I can certainly see the other side of things.

What’s funny to me is the fact that my mom balks when I ask if I can come home to visit. I’m asking as more of a “If I come to visit, will you be free to spend time with me?” but she worries that I don’t feel as though it’s my home.

One interesting cultural difference I’ve noted between my family (South African) and my husbands (French) is the frequency with which we say “I love you”. In my family, we say it all the time, it’s how I end calls to my mom but for my husband’s family, they never say it; it’s just understood that of course he loves his parents and they love him. They know it by how they act towards each other rather than through words

I think my parents really appreciate whenever my husband and I say “thank you” because it directly shows our gratitude. Everyone wants to feel needed and when we show appreciation for what they do it validates these feelings. Some of my family members show more entitlement than others and it’s rare to hear them say “thank you”. My parents notice that this “birthright” attitude is more taking than giving and it wears them thin.