“I’ve Never Thanked My Parents for Anything”

Hi Joanna,
I live in Bangalore and even now as a 30 year old, whenever I am at my mother’s home, my dad will get gas filled in my car, my mum will get my clothes washed(and ironed!) and pack dinner just so that I don’t have to cook when I get back to my apartment – all without expecting to hear a thank you.
On the flip side, I am expected to go to their place (20 miles away) and water their plants when they are travelling, pay for dinner if we go out, buy a new microwave oven because they want it and not expect to hear a thank you from them. Its more a system of “doing-your-duty-towards-the-ones-you-love”. That way LOVE is implied and not told.

In hindsight, this does lead to quite a bit of take-for-granted and be-taken-for-granted scenarios. This are definitely changing in recent times and just last month I heard my mum thank me for paying for her vacation. Now if you ever see pigs flying – go right ahead and assume that my staunch Indian mother used the word LOVE ;)

I was born in India but brought up in the UK and I think I mostly agree than in Indian cultures there is less of an emphasis on verbal manners and more of an emphasis on showing appreciation through actions.

Whilst I think excessive uses of please and thank you and other formal words do create barriers between family members (I see this in my boyfriend’s white British family), I think the Indian system of behaving in a certain way to show appreciation links a family together too much – if such a thing exists. By not saying please and thank-you, you instead have to give your parents and family an overly large influence on your life. To be specific, my parents want me to marry another Indian and if I don’t then they will see it as me betraying them/not paying them back for all the effort they put into raising me. There are of course other examples – choice of degree at university, choice of job…all the way down to more mundane examples.

Another poster put it just right – modern Western cultures are more about individualism and Eastern cultures are about collectivism. Both have positives and negatives. The negatives of Western cultures are that sometimes you don’t have a comprehensive family network to care for you and you feel you can’t ask certain things of your parents. The negatives of Eastern cultures are you’re very much expected to toe the party line with regard to marriage, sexuality, social life, even dress code – which can be restrictive. I’d love to be able to give my children a happy medium – Eastern style support and unconditional love whilst still allowing them to make their own decisions.

Interesting! I’m Norwegian and we say thank you to our parents (but not I love you, at least not in our family! That would be soooo strange!!) My parents help us a lot, and I say thank you and try to help them back as much as I can. I have a two year old son, and I’m so proud when he says “thank you” when he gets something from someone. I feel like I’ve done my duty by learning him to say it. <3 cultural differences <3 :)

I think that’s so true… I’m Chinese but was raised in a Western environment my whole life but my family and we still rarely say ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you’ – we’re a unit, a family, we are together and always will be there for each other, it’s almost something that doesn’t need to be acknowledged, which always makes me feel like I have a super supportive, safe cloud of people around me, regardless of circumstance :)

Growing up in North America (in Canada), my parents taught me that saying thank you was part of being polite, and was necessary for human interaction. I can understand the cultural differences though. I feel like my parents have done so many things for me, and continue to do things for me, that I could say thank you non-stop for the rest of my life, and it would never be enough. I try to be there for them when they need me, I spend time with them, and will continue to do all I can to keep our relationship strong.

Kristi | Be Loverly

I’m a life-long Wisconsinite (and raised by life-long Wisconsinites) so thank you is probably the phrase I say most often throughout the day. (Once when I was out for drinks with friends, they laughed at me for saying “thank you” to the ATM when it dispensed my cash :D) I believe firmly in the importance of saying please, thank you, you’re welcome (I judge dates on whether they say “thank you” and “please,” especially to the waiters and bartenders), but I can certainly see the other side of things.

What’s funny to me is the fact that my mom balks when I ask if I can come home to visit. I’m asking as more of a “If I come to visit, will you be free to spend time with me?” but she worries that I don’t feel as though it’s my home.

I think my parents really appreciate whenever my husband and I say “thank you” because it directly shows our gratitude. Everyone wants to feel needed and when we show appreciation for what they do it validates these feelings. Some of my family members show more entitlement than others and it’s rare to hear them say “thank you”. My parents notice that this “birthright” attitude is more taking than giving and it wears them thin.

I’m South Asian and yes, I can relate to the not-saying-thank-you within the family thing. We never said it growing up, though there were certainly very strong ideas of showing gratitude and respect in other ways. For example, when we went to see my grandmother — whom I adored and was very close to — I would always kneel down and touch my forehead to her feet upon arrival and upon departure. But please and thank you were not words we said, and I do still feel very weird saying those words to my parents and partner. My mother has a memory of going to visit a cousin of hers when she was a child, and being struck by how that family said thank you to each other — so yes, there are exceptions, of course, but they’re just that, exceptions.

I have to disagree with the poster who said there’s no word for thank you in any Indian language except Hindi — sorry, that’s just not true! I am a Tamil speaker and we do have a word, nandri, but it’s reserved for very formal exchanges and almost never used within a family.

I love all these interesting comments!

I’m Australian and I was raised to always say please and thank you for everything – gifts, someone passing you the salt, someone giving you a drink, someone holding the door open for you, to whoever had cooked dinner etc. Thank you notes weren’t a big thing though, except to relatives who sent birthday gifts by post – my Nanna always made sure we wrote a letter.

My siblings and I were raised by a single parent Dad to be quite independent and not to feel too entitled to things from anyone. For example last time my Dad fixed something on my car I cleaned his house while he was doing it and we both said thank you to each other.

Now I live in Spain and all my Spanish friends think it’s so silly how I say please and thank you for every little thing. They say that with friends and family you don’t have to say please and thank you for small courtesies (like passing things at dinner), it’s implied by the tone you use. Bigger things will get a thank you though.

India speaks 780 languages. Unfortunately there is no word for “thank you” in any of those languages *gasp*! Except in Hindi of course, which is dhanyavād/shukriya.
As of July 1 2014 the population of India was estimated at 1,267,401,849 and roughly 425 million of them speak Hindi as a first language (and I’m pretty sure they “say” thank you when they mean it). But this guy-Deepak Singh probably speaks Punjabi (judging by his last name) and not Hindi. So I mean, come on, what can we folks do if it doesn’t exist in our lexicon?! But doesn’t mean we don’t feel or express appreciation and gratitude. Because we do.

Having been raised in an average American home, I come from a very different school of thought. My father thrives off of helping and pleasing others, so when we received gifts as children, we were always expected to express our gratitude. If we didn’t make a display of excitement about our gift, I could tell that he was worried we didn’t like it. I suppose that’s carried over to me as well. When my husband acknowledges that I’ve done something for him, even if it’s something expected, like the dishes or laundry, it always makes me feel good.

All that said, I find it fascinating to see how other cultures handle such exchanges. Thank you so much for the lovely article :)

This is such an interesting idea and highlights a cultural difference I did not quite realize existed. I’m from Ohio, and we did verbal and written thank-yous for everything, including things from parents. I remember a time in college when a few friends from my Turkish language class and I went out to dinner at a Turkish restaurant. Our teacher (who was a Turkish native) just happened to be there as well, and he sent over a dessert to our table. We wrote him a thank-you note and gave it to him the following week. He just stood there laughing at us, as if this note was the goofiest and most mystifying tradition. He even said, “you Americans!” I hadn’t really made those connections until now. Thanks for writing about this intriguing topic.

I’m Indian (born and raised in Canada) and this is very true. We tend not to say please and thank you to our family members or close family friends. It does put a strange, very awkward formality on the relationship and any time my parents have said thank you to me it’s been embarrassing for all of us. There’s an unspoken expectation of doing things for each other and expecting certain things to be done for you, that underlies our familial relationships and are themselves expressions of love and devotion.

I used to pay for my parents travel to see me and family vacations, even when I was a struggling college student. Ten years of planning every trip and taking care of every detail ground to a halt this year, when I realized they had come to take this for granted in order for them to visit. I realized this was a small part of a bigger family dynamic where I was bidding for their love and bending myself into a pretzel to have my father accept and like me. When the waiting-on-them-hand-and-foot service stopped–along with the big bills for flights, car service, and restaurants when they visited–my father stopped coming around. Very sad. My mother still makes the effort to come, and even help me, and I love her for it. I am glad that my newborn daughter will see a model of her mother (me!) acting with dignity and self-worth instead of trying to buy a distant father’s love.

Wow, this is really interesting. Definitely something I’ve never thought about! I say thank you constantly, and my parents are extremely generous. I think there is a lot to learn from this perspective, although in our culture I think just not saying thank you any more wouldn’t really fit. My mom raised us to express gratitude and to always write thank you cards. It’s interesting though; I grew up partly overseas but in a very international setting, and we had a lot of baby and wedding showers in our community. One (also American) woman still thanks me every time I see her for writing her a thank you card after my baby shower (we moved shortly after). It was the only thank you note she had ever received from all of the showers she had gifted at over there. I wonder if it’s partly for this reason…although there were a lot of westerners too, it may have just not been at all on the radar of the other cultures present. So many sides to it! I love that. (But I also think it’s awesome when everyone at a baby shower demands that the new mom NOT spend time writing notes!! Even if she ends up doing it ;)

What a different perspective! I think I was raised on the opposite spectrum in that my parents/family/husband don’t have to do the wonderful things they do for me. The older I get, the less I think of kindness as a “duty” and more of a gift. I’m one of those people that tells my husband I love him 500 times a day, ha!

Danielle | D is for Dreamer

Being born and raised in India, I feel I have to chime in and add to this conversation. Like most countries, India has sub-cultures so it is not fair to paint it with one broad brush, however romantic the notion may be. In my family (and my school), we were taught to say thank-you. Yes, even to parents. No matter how close you are, no matter how much you love each other, expressing your gratitude is not just good manners, it’s expected. So this post surprised me, to say the least.

I am Indian and this is very true. My husband is very uncomfortable to hear our children say “thank you” to us, and feels that I am too Westernized to think it’s okay. It’s a balance – showing gratitude while also maintaining the intimacy between relatives which affirms the expectation that we DO for each other because that is what is right and natural. And as others have noted, there are many ways of showing gratitude besides saying “thank you”. I think it’s important for our children to be grateful, and beyond the words, recognize what others do for them.

what a timely post! My parents spent their entire weekend at my house (an hour away) to come help me paint, cut, and install baseboards for my ENTIRE HOUSE. It was no easy feat, but i couldn’t have done it without them, and the place looks so incredible now. I was so so stressed about it, but it’s done because of their help. I want to cry with gratitude when I think of how much they peace of mind they gave me, not to mention time and money! When I thanked my mom she said, “honey that’s just what we do. Families come in and help out. We love you so it’s not a big deal, not at all!”
In my head I know what she’s talking about, but that’s the thing with gratitude–it MUST be expressed! And they gave up a weekend they needed (to find a new home and start packing) so one of the few ways I know i can show them my gratitude is to just make sure I’m helping out with moving day and packing.

This was a very interesting post and a topic I’ve often considered. As an American twenty-something with older parents, I’ve seen an interesting shift in our relationship as they age out of the “Keeping up with the Joneses” mindset where everything must appear perfect. Experiencing the “real” them has been a delight.

I suspect that I, as most children, took them for granted growing up — withholding “thank yous” and even happy reactions though my favorite jeans were always clean, the best brands of cereal always in the pantry, an extra bottle of that nasty French Vanilla coffee creamer that I thought made me oh so sophisticated — and now I rather feel that I should make up for it. Saying “thank you” for little things like leftovers to take home, calling for no reason other than just to talk, watching a marathon of the worst TV ever because it makes them laugh … I wish I could tell the teenaged me to show appreciation for those little things.

I do not, however, agree with the idea of not saying “please and thank you” to yourself. As a writer, my brain is the key to earning a living and living the life that speaks to my soul — and I thank it daily, both with words and by just being kind to it (no smoking, lots of water, plenty of games, yoga). I see the flip side of Deborah Fallows’ argument as “If you can’t take the time to be grateful to yourself, how can you be sure you aren’t taking everyone else for granted?”

Oh this is so interesting! My partner is from India and his thoughts closely echo those you outlined–to him, there is no need to say “thank you” or even “I love you” (at least not all the time) to those you are closest to. I’ve never heard him say either to his family, and not for any other reason than it is simply not need or expected. I’ve tried thanking his mom on numerous visits and she just laughs–silly American I am! :)

I loved this post! It’s funny, being American, I do write thank-you notes and say thank-you for most things-but I totally understand the other way. When my friends or close family thank me for something, it always seems strange. Of course I would do these things for you, why would you thank me for it!

I’m so heartened to hear that you’re such a stickler for thank you notes, Joanna! I’m also trying to establish a culture of thanks with my two small children. I was brought up in England with traditional values and now live in the States. It’s amazing the subtle cultural differences between the two nations, but this article really opened my eyes to significant differences. Everyone’s comments are fascinating. Thank you for starting this conversation and to all those who shared.

Presents, Prose & Politesse
http://www.presentsprosepolitesse.com

Whats sounds peculiar to me as a greek girl, is how many time American people (as I have seen it in films) say ”I love you” to boyfriends/parents/kids/husbands etc. in the day.
We don’t use I LOVE U (a phrase that describes a very deep intimate feeling) casually in any tiny circumstance! Instead we’ll say I miss you/thanks for being so helpful/Have a nice day at work…

I spent a year living in Finland where there is no word for please. It took me a while to get used to, at first I almost felt nevrous asking “can you pass the milk?”, it felt rather rude. It goes both ways, the kids I was looking after had a hard time getting used to saying please in English too. When your language does’nt have an equivalent it’s a difficult concept to understand.

I sent my boyfriend the link to this ’cause this is similar to our situation. His parents taught him to always say please and thank you.
Mine never did (our parents are both swiss). “Get me a pot holder” ,”go call your sisters”,”help me out here”, my mom would say. My boyfriend was shocked. Even with the amount of assistance my mum needed with her disabilities, she would never say please or thank you. We helped her a lot and she did amazing incredible things for us all the time. It’s just another language. I mean emotionally. Nowadays I say it too, or he feels “abused” :D !!