“You Don’t Have to Kiss Grandma”

I also dreaded the kisses hello and goodbye as a child (I still do) but I would have done it anyway, because I would have hated to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t think my parents forced me to, it was just a social expectation that I felt compelled by. Kids will have to deal with social expectations no matter how their parents intervene. Sensitive shy little kids are always going to stress out about it. Power to those recalcitrant little delights who see no issue with upsetting Grandma… Or maybe those are just the kids who NEED a lesson in tact and social sensitivity?

Ah – I come from Malaysia, and this happens a lot during large gatherings of family and friends. Sometimes they would even carry or take your child off you without asking. They do it with the best of intentions of course, but it feels no less overwhelming, and my 7 mo doesn’t enjoy it one bit. I wouldn’t impose myself on my or anyone else’s child – and while I do believe in the importance of being polite, they shouldn’t feel obligated to hug, kiss or be carried by someone they’re not comfortable of familiar with. And I agree – while respecting a child’s space and decision might seem like a small thing to most of us, it means a whole lot to them!

x
Sam
http://www.passageblue.com

I too feel a little extreme, but have decided to embrace what I feel in my gut is the best policy to teach my kids about personal space and consent, even if it offends their great aunts! I don’t even make or try to persuade my kids to taste anything they don’t want to, because I truly believe they should have complete say over their bodies.

I work in the arts and everyone kisses – it drives me crazy as I would rather shake hands, at least until they recognise me enough to say hi on the street. A kiss on first meeting – tad quick for me.
I have a son who is not very touchy feely! Girls at daycare always want to hug him, kiss him and people laugh and don’t care that he does not consent… yet in a few years they will expect him to understand what no means in relation to those same girls – no means no, regardless of how old you are, or what your gender is. It is about respect.
We ask my son to high-five. We ask him to say hello, good bye, thank you etc, but kissing, you have to earn that sort love, and that takes time, interest and friendship.

This is very smart Joanna. It teaches them to be in charge of their own bodies from an early age.

I’ve been the aunt whose goodbye hugs were denied by one of my nephews. We usually did fist bumps instead. I would much rather have a willing goodbye than a forced hug. Now I get hugs when I see him and airhugs over the phone. Too many children are abused by relatives. It is as important for parents to teach their children how to say no respectfully as it is how to be polite, whatever that looks like in their culture. My mom always explained to us what she expected of us and why before we went to family gatherings, and I think it helped us immensely.

Kissing is not the only way to say hello and goodbye I think. I would like to teach my (someday) children to always greet others, but in what way would be of less importance to me. My sister-in-law will ask her (young) kids to give a kiss or a high five to the family members. That way they don’t have to say no but can simply choose and there are no awkward situations. I’m going to remember that!

I think one has to take culture into consideration. It looks like many people have commented about how different things are internationally. In Peru, where my husband is from, a barely-there kiss or two on the cheek is the standard greeting and goodbye for almost everyone. It’s pretty much the same as a handshake here (though some men simply shake hands with other men.) Even here, this is how I great our Peruvian and other South American friends. I plan to teach my children to follow my guidance as to how to greet and say goodbye to our friends and family, until they learn how to decide on their own, in the same way they’ll learn when to use Spanish and when to use English. As for our American family and friends, I think our children should learn to show affection, but in a way that they choose, as long as it is respectful.

I was talking about this with a friend just the other day – I hadn’t thought about it before that but it really got me thinking. I vividly remember being told to kiss people good night and feeling VERY uncomfortable doing so with one man in particular; I wouldn’t want my own (impending) child to feel that discomfort and I definitely don’t want her/him feeling that physical contact is good manners.

I have to say, I disagree with this. If you come from a family where hugging and kissing is the norm and is done with good will and love, it is important that the child learns to be part of this. I think knowing that you give your ancient great aunt a quick peck out of respect for her and love for the family that you are part of is more important than what you want personally as a child.

When I was younger I went through a phase from about age 3 – 5 where I had a ‘kiss bank’ (as my mum called it) – sometimes I would tell relatives that I had run out of kisses or hugs so they couldn’t have one at the moment. Mum says that at first a lot of people were offended and asked her what was wrong with me and she told them it was up to me who I wanted to kiss and hug. After a while people offered to give me a hug in exchange for a hug and a kiss for a kiss – apparently this was okay with my 3 year old self!

I think ultimately it was great for my mum to give me, as a child, the option to make my own decision about my body and if my children ever said no to kiss I would stand up for them!

I was 8 years old on my first remembered visit to the Philippines and one of my older cousins there would insist on having me sit in his lap whenever I saw him. I always hated this. I mean, I wasn’t exactly a toddler by then. To this day I still don’t really like him.

For the record, my immediate family is undemonstrative except for hugs hello and good-bye.

I really believe we can be both…encouraging loving behavior(via a kiss, hug, etc.) and give our kids the ability to say: “no thanks, may I give a simple good bye instead?” I agree with setting boundaries on physical contact with other family members. But, as we all know as parents with toddlers and older kids, there comes a time when they just want to be obstinate and in control (in a negative way). When that is the case, I believe it’s a time to reflect on their heart and the why. But, when it’s a genuine comfortableness with it, we need to allow that. I believe it really boils down to knowing your child. I know when mine wants to be obstinate and in control and when there is genuine comfortableness. It’s OUR jobs as the mommies to be in tune with our children and their hearts and fears.

I do remember being a very young child at family gatherings and being picked up and held foreverrrr but being too shy to say I wanted to be put down so I can go play.

I do think we should be considerate of a child trying to wriggle away (as long as they’re not trying to get into something dangerous). They are people, not just cute play things.

HOWEVER, I do think there is a thin line, my current thinking it is a little excessive to “protect” children from kissing and hugging. Greeting is a part of etiquette.

I completely agree, Joanna, and feel very strongly about this. I have never forced my three girls to hug relatives. If they don’t want to (not often), I say, sorry, I guess she doesn’t want to hug right now. I don’t care, and feel completely unapologetic about it. I also do not try to force hugs from my kids to me. Sometimes they don’t want to be physically touched. I think it’s a very important message, for any child, especially girls. Last Christmas a man dressed in an elf costume (part of our town’s tree lighting) asked my people-pleasing 8-year-old daughter 3 times (!!!!) for a hug, and she stood her ground and politely but firmly said no. I wish I had said something to that man, but things were so chaotic I didn’t get a chance to. Boundaries, especially physical ones, are so important.

unless a relative is hurting the child or offending them, the child needs to greet everyone, be polite, and learn to appreciate the love and affection.

My husband’s family is from Mexico, and like some of the other commenters, there are cultural differences when it comes to greetings. It’s not just an expectation of the kids – everyone greets one another with a handshake and half-hug with an air kiss on the cheek. For strangers a regular handshake is fine. For the family members I’m closest to, like my mother in law, we do a full embrace and kiss on the cheek, particularly when we say goodbye. I like that we’re generally more affectionate, and since we all follow the same custom, there is never the awkward moment when you’re not sure if you should hug or not. I want my kids to learn this custom, although I am okay with them just doing the handshake if they feel uncomfortable with the cheek kiss. I’m not okay with them refusing to say hi or hello. I think you can teach them to be polite and also teach about setting boundaries and having autonomy over their own bodies. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Another similar post that suggests a hug, handshake, or high-five. Cool way to give kids the choice: http://idealistmom.com/2014/11/rude-kids/