Design

Have a Lovely Weekend.

What are you up to this weekend? Tonight we’re taking it easy, but tomorrow night we’re going to Miss Ada for dinner. (I’ve already picked out my meal on the online menu, as one does:) Hope you have a good one, and here are a few fun links from around the web…

Love these ceramics.

Making French toast on a weekday.

Three new movies that look great: Gloria Bell, Booksmart and The Last Black Man in San Francisco.

Should we all start our mornings like this?

Two lovely children’s books with Muslim characters: Big Red Lollipop and Under My Hijab.

The wallpaper-iest English cottage. (NYT)

Excited to get more into clean beauty, like this cult favorite.

On sexual assault in marriages.

Muffin-tin breakfast.

Kids practice every single emotion they’re ever going to use on anybody on you.”

A phonetic map of the human mouth. Fascinating.

Plus, two reader comments:

Says L. on games to play while lying down: “We play ‘spy,’ in which I sip tea and read in bed while my five-year-old and three-year-old sneak around the house and spy on my husband. Then they report back on what they’ve seen. They LOVE it. This is also an amazing game to play at parties. If you ask the kids to spy on a certain adult and report back, you will have whole stretches of time where no one is asking you for anything.”

Says C. on the many ways to say ‘I love you’: “My husband and I have been together for nine years. Last year, he came home on a random weekday. Gifts have never been his love language, so I was puzzled when he pulled out a beautiful necklace. I said, ‘Wait, what is this for?’ silently freaking out that I had forgotten some important date. He responded, ‘I just really like you.’ I started crying right on the spot and tear up now just typing this. In a relationship, ‘I love you’ can get so overused and feel meaningless in comparison to how his ‘I like you’ made me feel.”

(Photo by Nikole Herriott.)

  1. Elise says...

    We’ve just booked a week in Polkerris, Cornwall and I’m scrolling back through your holiday posts – so dreamy and getting me so excited for fish & chips and white wine on the beach. <3

  2. Lisa says...

    I read the comments about the sexual assault article, and it is similar to my own marriage and that of more than a few of my girlfriends. But what would be particularly helpful is how to continue to preserve the mental health for yourself if you plan to stay in the marriage for kids, family, cultural or religious reasons. When you have such a chasm between you and your partner as two complete differently thinking adults — when you cannot remedy it due to lack of fundamental understanding by the other party – what tools can you use to stay mentally healthy in light of that long term situation? What resources might be avail to you? Also, how can you avoid physical injury if the pressure for intercourse becomes more present. I know this is a heavy topic and not all would wish to see that here….maybe post the details after clicking on the jump.

    • I hope my comment doesn’t come off as condescent because we are all so different and come from só many different realities and also because English is not my language and I sometimes I am not sure if I express my idea clearly but. Why would someone want to know ways to stay “healthy” in a unhealthy situation instead of the miriad of options to get out of it? There is no healthy way to accept sexual assault. If you feel you must stay in that situation to feel nauseated by the situation is maybe the only way to keep your sanity and integrity at the same time. I hope like anais nin once said that one day the pain to stay will be greater than the pain to leave. I truly (a stranger on the internet, a woman you don’t know) that you have the strength to leave. Plan your way out, NOW.

  3. Cas says...

    Wow, wow, wow, that Vox article. So powerful and definitely the experience of many, unfortunately. I’m glad we’re all getting more enlightened as time goes on — more empowered by the modern feminist movement, more able to put our feelings into words, and more willing to be vulnerable and share these things with each other. It’s in the sharing that we all feel less like we’re crazy, and less alone <3. I don't experience what that author wrote about nearly as often and deeply as she did, but I know I have felt it before, especially as I look into my past. So thankful for the opportunity to read her story.

  4. Shira says...

    My son’s preschool class starts their mornings just like in the link! One child’s job every week is “greeter,” and that child picks three choices that he/she is comfortable with from a bunch of options. The greeter then goes around the circle, and each friend picks one of the greeter’s choices. Options include: smile, high five, foot five, bear hug, small hug, cow (a kind of handshake), butterfly (another type of handshake), pinkie hug, football shake, hand shake, and silly face. I think it’s so wonderful, and it also teaches consent at the same time, because the students learn to share (and respect) what others are comfortable with/what their boundaries are.

  5. Amanda says...

    Love your book links to independent bookstores and author pages. I admit, I buy books (and so many other things) from Amazon but most of the time I try to support out local independent stores. I know that bloggers have benefits from the Amazon links that can make it more challenging to put in these links to smaller businesses so kudos to you to trying to get these in there too!

  6. Kelli says...

    The phonetic map of the human mouth is SO interesting! I have a two year old who (I think like most two year olds) doesn’t really pronounce her “L’s” or “R’s” yet. They both sound more like “W’s.” I’ve wondered about that before, thinking to myself that L’s and R’s are such different sounds, why are those the letters that are so difficult to master?? Well, on this map I notice they’re right next to each other!! I wonder if that’s an area of the mouth/tongue that takes a little extra work to develop. So interesting.

    • Sasha L says...

      R is often one of the last sounds to develop. My youngest had speech therapy for R and it was fascinating hearing the therapist explain how the tongue makes different sounds.

  7. Nina says...

    I would love for you to check out and talk about manofwire on instagram (did you suggest him before, I can’t remember where I found out about him?). He is based in NYC and he does art from wire…many nudes. I’m a bit fascinated and almost inspired to have a portrait done. I’d love for you to interview women who have had boudoir or other portraits done. Tips. Thoughts. etc…

  8. MarieP says...

    I’m an SLP who converted her husband from teacher to SLP and while he was taking articulatory phonetics, we would practice by writing notes back and forth to each other in IPA during Sunday morning sermons. Kind of liking being in high school again, only if we’d gotten caught (by the pastor?!?) very few people would’ve been able to read them!

  9. Rebecca says...

    You won’t regret RMS makeup! Their illuminator is also so so good.

  10. Emily says...

    I had a transcendent experience when I first tried the sweet potato hummus and the whipped ricotta with brown butter at Miss Ada.

    Hope you enjoyed. :)

  11. Lauren says...

    Love the mouth map! I took a few linguistics classes in college and began writing little notes back and forth with guy I had a big crush on using the phonemic symbols. Brings me back!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      That is so cute!

  12. Laura C. says...

    Should we all start our mornings like this? –> Yes, I think we should. I can’t stop watching that video, like when you posted this one of Anton:

    https://www.instagram.com/p/3RLFVknoCg/

    and I was showing it to my baby all the time!

  13. I love the part about “spy” such a cute idea! As a freelance writer this is the type of articles that remind me how fun it is to write even if it’s just a quick update on life in general. Thanks for the great read!

  14. Stephanie N says...

    I don’t have kids but I read through that games to play while I lay down thread and laughed and laughed. The comment who chose was SO GOOD! SO FUNNY! It’s only things like this that make me a little sad that I never had kids. I do wonder what kind of mom I would have been!

  15. Love that you’re getting into clean beauty, Jo! RMS is great, and they’re super transparent about their ingredients. My favorite brand by far is Beautycounter (check out their gorgeous shop in Soho, and tell them I sent you!). They’re really big on ingredient safety and sourcing – as some other readers mentioned, natural doesn’t always mean safe – and they advocate for more health-protective personal care laws nationwide. There’s even an old-school phone booth in the shop so you can call your representatives! Thanks for bringing attention to clean beauty; our country is woefully unregulated re: cosmetics, and I’m excited to follow along as you continue exploring :)

  16. emily says...

    I saw a preview for Booksmart last night in a movie theater and was a ABSOLUTE ‘woo-girl’ whenever another favorite actor came on screen. I also laughed untill I cried…IN THE PREVIEW. Truly cannot wait.

  17. Elizabeth says...

    Really appreciate that these books are not linked on Amazon! I find it hard to get to a plot summary from the front page of Amazon book links, and I also dislike the assumption that it’s where all of us buy all our things (even if that may be true). But this was great!

    • LB says...

      second that. the world could use a little less amazon sometimes ;)

  18. Annie says...

    So glad to see the clean beauty recommendation! RMS rocks. I read and adore almost every CoJ articles but find myself skimming over the beauty/makeup routines because I’ve switched to non toxic options slowly over the years. (Although the comments section can always be counted on for some alternatives, god bless the comments section). Thank you and please continue featuring more products with healthy ingredients!

    • Sue says...

      I also switched to clean beauty products a few years ago. RMS is my absolute favorite! My almost 13 year old daughter has started asking when she can wear makeup. I feel better knowing that I can recommend some great, healthy choices to her.

  19. Laura says...

    Joanna, I really admire the way you manage tricky situations on the blog, and highlighting this clean beauty choice is such a graceful way to deal with not-so-positive (and sometimes unkind) feedback. Xx

    • AM says...

      agreed. <3

    • A Martin says...

      Yes! Jo handles it with poise, elegance and wit.

  20. SR says...

    I am a speech pathologist and love that phonetic graphic! Always love your posts.

  21. C says...

    Sexual assault in marriage is a HARD article to read. I know there have been times in my marriage where I have had sex because he wanted to, even though I didn’t. I know I could have said no- but I didn’t want to deal with the negative emotions and manipulative talk that would have happened. But, having said all that- it is not the norm in my marriage- the norm is that my husband wants me to be as sexually satisfied as he is. My pleasure is important to him. I did feel like a bad feminist at those times, though!
    It’s been a long time since that has been our experience- our marriage is very different now then it was 10 years ago.

  22. A says...

    My kid said on an airplane to his dad, “Daddy, you are so mean to me! You’re fired, you’re fired!” Everyone around us burst out laughing.

  23. Vishakha Gupta says...

    About clean beauty. Clean ingredients, whatever that means, isn’t actually much better for your skin, Cerave for example is not considered “clean” but very good for your skin, and unlike fear mongers would have you believe, the ingredient paraben is not “toxic” or proven to be cancer causing. Sometimes natural products are bad for your specific skin. I, for example, have to stay away from RMS because of the coconut oil in all of their products which is very comedogenic. We need to start looking at facts and science when it comes to beauty instead of this fear mongering of “cleaner is better.” EWG is a popular tool that readers on here have referenced, but if you dig deeper you learn their data is not accurate. I encourage everyone reading this to carefully research their makeup and if it is possible and affordable, to speak to a dermatologist about skincare. Poison Oak is natural and you would likely not put it all over your face! Before you put anything on your face “clean,” or not, you should understand the ingredients.

    • Jessica says...

      Yes! I highly recommend anyone who is interested in ingredients check out reddit.com/r/skincareaddiction. There are a lot of resources there to learn about what is actually going into your skincare (and some of it applies to makeup as well). I got caught in the fearmongering in the past, but the studies referenced in the argument that “parabens cause breast cancer!!1!1” are flawed and misleading. Do your research, folks!

    • Mariel says...

      I agree that most “natural” products totally destroy my sensitive skin, even though I wish they worked for me. Nowadays my favorite products are Vanicream products, which my derm uncle said were the most non-irritating products he knew of. And after using them, I can heartily agree!

    • Suzanne B says...

      Thank you for saying this!

  24. Lauren Jones says...

    The phonetics map is only for consonants too! I want to see a similar graphic for vowels. Language is so interesting!

  25. hahahahahahaha ‘as one does’!!! : )

  26. Sam says...

    If they have octopus, for sure get it. Also the labneh and ricotta and just everything. Wear a flowy dress and over order. So good.

  27. Meagan says...

    Miss Ada lives up to the hype. Enjoy. I need more whipped feta in my life.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Thank you!!!

  28. Notmyrealname says...

    I needed to read that article on sexual assault in marriages right this very second. (It’s not a new thing in my house, but I was finally ready to see that in print.). I’m a grateful mess right now.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Thinking of you. xoxoxo

    • J.P. says...

      Sending you all the strength. Thinking of you.

    • Meredith says...

      Sending strength & courage to you — you are not alone.

    • Adel says...

      Wow. So hard, so confusing. May you have the strength to make the right decision on how to handle…

    • caitlin says...

      Thinking of you and sending strength.

  29. Cynthia says...

    I looked at the menu from Miss Ada’s, and it all looks so good. My husband and I love ethnic restaurants, but we don’t live in New York, so we take adavantage of the ones in our area. Enjoy!

  30. Sasha says...

    I am paranoid enough from previous poor relationships that if my person came to me with a random gift “just because” I would immediately suspect they had done something they were pre-emptively atoning for / trying to distract me. Reminds me of that scene in Love Story when Ollie wants to take Jenny to lunch randomly, and she immediately says: “Ok, who is she? If you have to take your wife out to lunch in the middle of the week, you must be screwing someone….”

  31. Bailey says...

    The worst is when you pick out your meal in the online menu, get really excited, crave that dish, and arrive only to find the menu has changed. Ugh!

    OMG those hugging kindergarteners! The best part is how excited that little boy gets for each and every friend he interacts with. I’d like to absorb some of his genuine happiness.

  32. Shannon says...

    I loved the kindergarten class video! So interesting, most kids chose a hug!

    • Maelle says...

      I’m a kindergarten teacher and do this with the children, except that I am on the receiving end. I get so many hugs! :) Watching this now, i’m thinking maybe i should pick one child to do it everyday, it seems like a great idea to strenghten their respect and love for each others!

    • Elizabeth says...

      My son’s Pre-K teacher does this every morning with the kids. They love it!

    • Bonnie says...

      And Maelle, maybe ask for volunteers so a child who would prefer to not be on the receiving end of each child’s choice isn’t placed in that situation. I would have enjoyed it but had a friend who would have dreaded it. I loved this little boy’s excitement and exuberance.

    • KC says...

      One of the preschool classes I work in has “greeter” as one if the class jobs. They have a similar chart to choose how to be greeted. They LOVE it. There is frequent sneaking back into the line for anither go.

  33. Em says...

    I’m not going to Miss Ada this weekend (or ever?) but I picked out what I’d get from the online menu anyways just in case :) Enjoy!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Hahaha :)

    • Claire says...

      me too! I live across the country but really want to know- did you try the Jerusalem artichoke soup? and if so was it really good?

  34. YAY! so glad to see you getting into clean beauty after the other day- i recommend honest beauty creme blush- it’s SOOOOO good and much more budget friendly!

  35. Ann says...

    Another great kids book featuring Muslim families is Mommy’s Khimar by Jamilah Thomkins-Bigelow. My girls love it.

  36. ANDREA says...

    I’m hoping to spend my weekend with the Mueller report!

  37. Colleen S says...

    That kindergarten class video was so darn cute! As a shy kid, I don’t know if I would have enjoyed that, but who knows? Maybe I would have.

    • Julia Lee Stone says...

      I teach at an elementary school that uses greeting as part of something called “Conscious Discipline.” The greetings really help build bonds between every one in the class- even the shy kids! I will say that there is always at least one “non-touch” greeting (in my room it is “smile and wave”).

  38. Anonymous says...

    Thank you for posting that Vox article on sexual assault in marriages. I’ve never been married, but I was in a relationship where I began dreading my boyfriend’s initiations for sex. He would get annoyed if I didn’t want to do it, and once said, “You do other things even when you don’t feel like it to make me happy, like cleaning or watching a movie, so why can’t you do this to make me happy even if you don’t feel like it?” I had no idea how to respond. I would be relieved after we did have sex, because it meant that I could maybe have a week’s time before I felt too much pressure again. I felt so angry and ashamed, and so resentful towards him, even now years later, for the situation. I didn’t know how to talk to friends about it, because calling it sexual harassment or assault seemed too intense. And this was a man who was, for all intents and purposes, a culturally and politically enlightened person who advocated for women’s equality and all that. Yet somehow when it comes to sex in a relationship, it seems like men still feel like it is a domain where their perspective and fulfillment matter most.

    • caitlin says...

      Yes, came here to talk about this as well, and I relate to feeling like “assault” is too heavy a term. I’m really sorry to hear that your relationship went through that kind of struggle. This article feels so important because for some reason we still seem to have hangups about consent within relationships, and this idea that sex is a requirement for a healthy relationship.

      When the #metoo movement first started, I was reminded of an incident in a past serious relationship. I had taken a xanax and was passed out, but there was a brief moment where I woke up and sex was happening. Then I was out again. When I asked my boyfriend the next morning if we had sex, he said yes and that “I thought you would like it.” That’s all we ever said about it.

      I felt violated at the time, but buried those feelings. Like the author of the vox article, there’s more at risk to fight these sexual misconducts. Shame, everything else she talks about is familiar to me. Because we were in a relationship, because it was all hazy, I tried to dismiss it.

      It’s taken me a long time to say this, but what happened was wrong. It was violation — He violated me. I never had much sexual agency in that relationship, it was always about his wants and needs, even if I objected because I was in pain.

      And while I can acknowledge it was wrong, it’s still hard for me to call what happened assault. There’s a voice that says it wasn’t that bad, that maybe he just misunderstood the situation. I’m going to therapy, which helps, but man, reading this article–we need to talk about this more. Being in a relationship does not entitle you to that other person wholly, and acting as if it does IS harassment or assault. Why is it so hard to call it that?

    • Leah says...

      The vox article was so interesting, but also heartbreaking.

      I think there are definitely shades of grey in relationships. I’ve had it both ways with my husband – there have been times where I’m not in the mood and he is, and then there have been times where I’m really in the mood and he’s not. Usually, with a little foreplay, we’ll get on the same page, but once or twice we did have a conversation similar to the one you mentioned: “You do other things to make me happy, why not this?”

      In hindsight, most of the times we have been out-of-sync have had to do with other issues. For example, work was really stressful or someone was grieving. Totally understandable to have a period like that in a marriage, where one person’s sex drive is, err, nonexistent.

      That said, occasionally being out-of-sync sexually is totally different than a prolonged trend, where one is dreading sex on a regular basis, or if there’s an underlying issue related to core problems in the relationship. (Which, it sounds like the woman in the vox article was dealing with.) One of my good friends is getting divorced right now, and for the last 2 years of her marriage, they had some serious problems they were trying to address in therapy – fundamental things like respecting each other, listening to each other, helping each other. Her ex still wanted to have sex on a regular basis, even though she felt she was being mistreated – and in many ways she was.

      In a situation like that, where one person feels mistreated by the other for a prolonged period, and the other does not want to address/listen and wants to have sex on a regular basis, I don’t think “assault” or “harassment” is too strong. It would be a violation. I know I would feel like I was being used. Respect is so important for all relationships, and especially sexual ones, and being a “wife” doesn’t change that.

      @Caitlin – I’m so sorry that happened to you with your ex when you were on xanax. That’s fucked.

    • Meredith says...

      Thank you both so much for sharing your stories. I agree, we need to talk about these things so much more! The power moves in both these stories, and the way they made you second-guess yourself, makes me angry. And yes, Caitlin, it was most definitely wrong; you obviously don’t need me to tell you that, but I will just validate that to you! I think maybe we still hold onto these “rape myths” about attacks by stranger in the dark (when, in fact, most people in the US who are raped know their attacker)…and if you’ve had sex before with someone, especially in a serious relationship or marriage, it’s as though we think that’s permission to ask for it or use it other times, too. Or as if it’s transactional. Bleh. Anyway…thank you again, and wishing you wholeness and peace as you continue to process and move forward.

    • mb says...

      For Caitlin–as a note– I don’t mean to share this to be triggering. Reveal is an investigative journalism podcast. This episode was based on an investigation that speaks of precisely the situation you describe: where the woman has consented to sex before but is out of it and cannot consent during one occasion. It is hard for some men to even recognize how this is such a violation. I’m sorry you went through that.
      Sadly, we do need to discuss these issues and the gray areas more frequently and they are not easy conversations.
      https://www.revealnews.org/episodes/case-cleared-part-2/

    • caitlin says...

      MB — thank you for sharing that podcast, I will definitely give it a listen. That grey area that you talk about, the consent has been given before but not in that moment, is exactly what my situation was and I’ve never put those words to it.

      Thank you Meredith and Leah for your words and validation. I wish validation wasn’t needed/wanted but it truly does help.

      I’m glad that people want to talk about consent more and I’m grateful to the author of the Vox essay for sharing her story. The more we share, the more we can talk through these experiences and hopefully the more we can heal and change.

  39. Maclean Nash says...

    I look forward to these posts all week!
    Seeing the phonetic map of the mouth made me especially happy! I was in a Linguistics class in my third year of my Anthropology degree and it was, without a doubt, the hardest class I ever took!
    Our midterm exam consisted of 2 parts…in the first part, the prof went around the room pronouncing different sounds (but trust me, some of them sounded EXACTLY the same) and the students had to provide the correct IPA symbol. For the second part of the exam – each student was given a symbol and we had to give the correct sound. I studied a little bit every day for that exam and I got 95%! The best in the class which was full of amateur linguists! I’m, very clearly, still riding that high!

    • Em says...

      Brings me back to college! I took a similar class for my undergraduate degree in communication disorders. I remember studying so much for my phonetics class and being so nervous for the final exam!