Relationships

Do You Care About Height When Dating?

joanna goddard alex williams wedding

Alex and I recently celebrated our ninth anniversary, and my big question of the night was…

Should I wear heels? Alex is 5’8″ and I’m 5’6″, so when I wear heels, I’m slightly taller. As seen in sitcoms and movies and reality TV, there’s generally a societal expectation that women should be shorter than their partners, and it was ingrained in me as I stood at my closet debating footwear. But, then, my second question was: WHO CARES?

emma straub wedding michael fusco

My friend Emma, of Books Are Magic fame, is an inch taller than her husband. Sometimes I call Mike my short stack of pancakes,” she told me. “I truly don’t think about it anymore. My last boyfriend was even shorter! I suppose I always think of being tall and voluptuous as being sort of goddessy, and who would mind feeling goddessy? Not me.”

jana laidlaw wedding

Jana and Colin, who have been married for almost eight years, have a two-inch height difference (she’s 5’10” to his 5’8″). “When we were first dating, he asked, ‘Is it okay that I’m not taller than you are?’ Of course, it didn’t matter. He was a person I wanted to spend time with. He’s so confident and funny and goofy.”

jana laidlaw wedding

The only time it felt odd was for a moment at their wedding. “We had a great photographer, but she had go-to poses for couples, and I remember some of them felt awkward. She kept wanting me to put my head on his shoulder, and I’m like, my head is bending really far down and it feels really weird.”

caroline and leah

Caroline is three inches taller than her girlfriend, Leah. “I don’t really notice the difference,” she says, “but I also posture myself when standing next to her (leaning on one hip, for example) to be more level with her. The only time it comes up is for formal events. Now I consider flats because it makes it easier to dance together.”

brooke williams and josh

Brooke Williams is five inches taller than her husband, Josh. “I never thought I’d marry someone shorter than me, though at 5’11”, I’m not sure why the possibility had never crossed my mind,” she told me. “But then I met Josh, and all relative height considerations flew right out the window. I don’t remember being bothered by it or even thinking about it at all. Though every once in a while when I see us in the mirror I am taken aback by how much I loom over him. Plus, my hair doesn’t help!”

franny eremin and kerry

Franny, our trusty editorial assistant, and her girlfriend, Kerry, are exactly the same height. “We’re actually the same size in everything — down to our bra size! This comes in handy when packing for trips, since we can share a suitcase. I do wear heels way more than she does, though. It’s fun to play ‘tall person’ every now and then, and having her rest her head on my shoulder is weirdly romantic.”

new girl cece

Who knows, maybe cultural norms are loosening up? I was recently watching old episodes of The New Girl (because Nick), and the character Cece started dating a shorter guy. And I loved that the show didn’t mention their height difference at all. It was a complete non-issue.

michelle and barack obama

michelle and barack obama

Of course, there are some famous real-life examples, too. The Obamas are neck and neck — Barack is 6’1″ and Michelle is 5’11”. When she’s in high heels, she’s taller. And she’s PERFECT.

pharrell williams and wife helen lasichanh

Pharrell Williams is two inches shorter than his 5’11” wife Helen Lasichanh.

tina fey and husband jeff richmond

At 5’5″, Tina Fey and her husband Jeff Richmond are the same height, but she’s taller in heels…

john legend and chrissy teigan

Same with Chrissy Teigen and John Legend…

And Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres!

What about you? Do you care about height when dating? Does it feel complicated? What experiences have you had? I’d love to hear…

P.S. My sister’s awesome dating tip.

  1. Emily says...

    I’m 5’7 and have always felt very tall! I used to fantasize about dating a tall man and when I did date one very tall guy, I felt really small and feminine. Every other guy I’ve dated, though, including my current and very serious boyfriend, are just a tiny bit taller than me, around 5’8. I like looking them in the eye and it’s easy to get lost in the moment while kissing rather than feeling like I am craning my neck to reach them! I’ve gotten used to it and now I like it – it makes me feel like we are a matched pair.

  2. Maureen says...

    I am 5’9 1/2″ and my husband is two and a half inches shorter. We have been married 20 yrs as of last week and I wear the shoes that I feel like wearing. Sometimes flats and sometimes clogs that have a 2 inch height to them. He doesn’t mind and I do not either.

  3. Qiu Xian says...

    My husband is 167 cm and I’m 170 cm but it has never mattered to us. I simply wore ballet flats during our wedding and on formal occasions when I do wear heels, I would really tower over him! And being Asians our height differences might be an issue for some families but really, it shouldn’t be an issue at all in the first place.

  4. Sam says...

    This is such a great post! Thanks for making something I’ve never totally been able to shake (the “weirdness”of being a bit taller in heels than my sig oth) feel totally cool. The more I can be like Chrissy Tiegan and Tina Fey the better! :)

    I recently broke up (so that break up post from a couple weeks ago was so welcome; thanks for that, too) with a guy who was just about my size, and except for the thing in my head I couldn’t shake, I quite liked being the same size. It was comfortable. We fit!

    Now you should do a post on cool women who didn’t get married for the first time until after they were 30 (to someone they didn’t meet til after 30) bc dude I feel super weird. :)

    Thanks, coj!

  5. Hannah says...

    My fiancé is a few inches taller then me and he hates in when I wear heels.
    NOT because I’m
    taller but because if I’m wearing heels, that means I’m dressing up and if I’m dressing up that means he has to put on “big boy pants.”
    The man is 38 and would live in surf shorts and bare feet if he could.
    Height doesn’t matter anyway.

  6. Tracey says...

    I’m about 5 inches taller than my husband. My go-to retort for any comments about it? “It’s all the same when you’re lying down” WINK* mike drop, walk away.

  7. Meredith says...

    Oh this so resonated with me! I was 6ft tall even in high school, and I often had crushes on shorter guys. I’m sure height wasn’t the only reason that most we’re unrequited — high school was an awkward time for this to-this-day nerd — but I don’t imagine it helped. In college in NYC, when I was 19, I dated at 26 year old that I met at the insurance agency for which I interned. He wasn’t short but I was taller and definitely taller in the Sex-and-the-City-era stilletos that I used to wear out to the bars and clubs in Manhattan that we frequented with our party crew. I asked him once if that bothered him or it made him feel weird around his friends. He said, sincerely puzzled by the question, “No. It makes me feel like I’m dating a model. Who’d have a problem dating a model?” A little while after, he also pointed out that it meant I never got carded since the bouncers either didn’t know I wasn’t of 21 or didn’t care because they assumed I was a model. Ha! I heavily doubt that anyone other than him assumed as easily that I was a model (remember: nerd) but I’ve always appreciated that outlook and decided to carry that “model attitude” with me ever since!

  8. Kate says...

    This is so refreshing! Whenever I see articles like this the overwhelming majority of comments reinforce that men like shorter women because they are supposedly more “feminine.” At 5’8″ i’m glad to see this isn’t always the case at all.

  9. Greta says...

    My husband is 5’11” and I am 5’9”, but he is a wheelchair user, so I am always taller because he is sitting. I think when you are secure in yourselves and your love for one another, height is a non-issue. Society is finally catching onto this idea.

  10. Mika says...

    I’m 5’8″ and my boyfriend is 6’4″. I don’t know what the rhyme or reason is, but I’ve only ever been attracted to men taller than me. It may have started in high school when my boyfriend at the time was the same height, which made me feel a bit conscious. I always find it so interesting to learn what some people find attractive and some people don’t even notice. These comments are a great reminder that everyone, no matter what your qualities, are still celebrated :)

  11. Daniela says...

    All my exes were my height or shorter, even though I’m not super tall at 5’7. It wasn’t really a big deal, but when I started dating my current boyfriend who’s three inches taller I was like YOU ARE SO TALL. Haha, honestly I kind of love dating someone who’s taller and a lot more muscular than my exes, just because it’s fun. It’s obviously not an important issue, there are more important things than height:)

    I should show this to my very sweet coworker who at 5’5 is so self conscious about his height. I’m secretly on a mission to find him a girl who doesn’t care that he’s not the tallest!

  12. Zoe says...

    I am loving reading the comments by short girls! I am 5’2″ and I don’t often think about height. I always just assume people are much taller than me, If I find out later they are the same height I am always surprised because I think they grow in my head!

    One thing I struggle with is feeling like I am still waiting to grow up! It often feels like taller women seem to command much more respect and seem more put together. It is a bit ridiculous, but again an image I have in my mind,

  13. Tracy says...

    As a 6’0 woman, it feels almost inevitable that I date shorter. I have dated quite a few shorter guys. I just try to keep it within a 4″ difference. I find that over that and it does get noticeable.

  14. I am 4’9 and my husband is 5’7 and we have had no problems.

  15. Jane I. says...

    My mom is 5’9″ and my dad is 5’6″ – which is decidely below average for an American man. This never bothered me until I got older and realized that part of the reason my dad was attracted to my mom in the first place was so satisfy his own Napoleon complex. He felt like being married to a tall, thin woman like her would somehow make him feel more powerful. 26 years later and I still don’t know if this is flattering or weird. Haha!

  16. Allison says...

    Thank you for this! My husband is shorter by a few inches and I love everything about him. People point out the height issue more often than I would have expected. I usually say (and believe) if that’s the worst thing about him, we’re good.

  17. Jessica says...

    I’m 5’6” and I find myself only being attracted to men who are over 6 feet tall. I recognize this is happening and I realize that it SHOULD NOT MATTER!!! But I can’t seem to help it. I think there are two parts to it: 1) I’m a bigger girl so a tall man would maybe make me not feel as large and in charge, and 2) I think there is something primal about it-like a big strong man is going to be a better provider for me? All I know is my type is definitely tall, dark, and handsome!

  18. Jenna says...

    This making-yourself-smaller-to-be-lovable thing (whether it’s height, weight, thoughts or desires) seems to be something women innately understand about society without ever explicitly being told.

    My husband is just slightly taller than me, but I weigh a lot more than he does. I’d guess many overweight women are like me and used to doing some complicated (and exhausting) algebra in their heads regarding what ratio is/isn’t acceptable. For example, if the guy is MUCH taller than me, then it’s okay if I’m heavier, because (guy’s height x width)/(my height x width) x pi squared = I STILL FEEL FEMININE.

    Of course, I had to stop doing the math when I fell in love with my husband because I just wanted to be with him all the time and I no longer felt like I had to make myself LESS to be loved. I wish everyone the happiness of finding relationships that make you want to MAGNIFY yourselves instead. It’s the bees’ knees :)

    • AB says...

      Thanks for this! I relate to the ratio calculations so much. Pregnancy/postpartum was the first time I outweighed my one-inch-taller husband, and it bothered me so much that I whispered my weight to the nurse *while I was in labor* so my husband wouldn’t hear. I made a mental note then to work on this (after, you know, giving birth…), most especially to be a positive role model for our daughter. I’ll be trying to hold on to your wise last paragraph!!

    • Jac says...

      MAGNIFY- I love that. : )

    • Brittany says...

      I love your math and your stopping of the math.

    • Katie says...

      I love how you phrased this idea that I think a lot of us struggle with!

  19. Ramona says...

    I’m one inch taller than my husband and he loves it when I wear heels! p.s. we’ve been married 38 years

  20. Jen says...

    Nope. Don’t care.

  21. L says...

    I am 5’3 and haven’t run into this problem, just the opposite! My husband is 6’4 and I can’t wear heels. I wish I were a little taller!! My brother is 5’9 and his wife is an inch taller. I have several tall ladies in my life with spouses/partners equal to their height or shorter.

  22. Cat says...

    This brings up some interesting gender issues for me. I am a woman 5’10” and I have dated men and women. Only once did I date a man shorter than me, and I don’t think I would again. I like the way taller and bigger men make me feel more delicate, which I am not. However, it never occurred to me to require that a woman I was dating be at least as tall as me. In fact, when dating women, I found that the more petite she was, the more she seemed to assume I was to be the dominant partner, which I didn’t find a fair assumption. Certainly makes me rethink the assumptions I apply to the men I date as well. Fascinating!

  23. Lauren E. says...

    My husband is significantly taller than me but I’m really just here to say I freaking love these photos. If anyone is ever insecure about being shorter than their partner, look at freaking Michelle Obama. Who DOESN’T want to be Michelle and Barack?!

  24. Marissa says...

    Very interesting, I started dating a guy who I am completely smitten by and he’s about 2 inches shorter than me. It doesnt bother me at all. When I’m with him I feel my best and I feel so safe with him… he makes me feel like I’ve never felt before. He stole my heart and today I was just thinking if anyone noticed it but it doesnt even matter because I want to keep him. I hope he wants to keep me too 😍😍❤❤💏👫

  25. Amanda says...

    Love these pictures! I had massive crushes on shorter men all of the time but didn’t have the confidence to pull it off. Luckily for me, I fell in love with a taller guy but as the mama of two girls who will inevitably be 6 ft tall, its a personal mission to help them be so confident that they can just fall in love. And not worry about whose legs are longer.

  26. Karen says...

    I cared so much growing up, but now I’m married to a slightly shorter man and it’s fine. I wear heels when I want and I don’t really care (and neither does he). I can tie all of my self-consciousness about height and dating back to one interaction, though. In ninth grade I got some new boots with a 4” heel (I’d already had most of my growth spurt and was 5’10”) and was hanging out with some friends in the art hall when the boy I liked (who unbeknownst to me at the time also liked me) commented on my boots and said, “why would you ever want to be that tall, you won’t be able to go out with anyone.” Like it was just a given that girls had to be shorter than guys at all times. It’s crazy how things like that make an impression and 20 years later I can still hear him say it. I stopped wearing anything with a heel for years after that day. But I’m tall enough that most guys I’ve been interested in based on personality have been shorter than me (because most humans are shorter than me) so eventually I got over it and now it’s totally normal. There is a weird association culturally with height and dominance though, where my husband and I hear a lot of jokes about me being taller and what it means for him that make me really uncomfortable about how the world perceives him in our relationship, but those tend to be from people our parents’ generation and older.

  27. laura says...

    This post reminded me of one of my favorite podcast episodes – the one about Jake Gyllenhaal’s height on Mystery Show. Not to spoil anything, but the conversation at the end was so insightful for me. They talked about how height can be so flexible depending on your perspective, and used the example that younger siblings always feel shorter than their older siblings. That’s so true! My little brother outgrew me long ago, but I always feel like I’m taller than him. The ‘little’ in the phrase little brother seems to translate to different parts – his age, his size, and my instinct to be protective over him.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      that’s fascinating!

    • Kristie says...

      That’s very interesting! I am older than my twin brother by 12 minutes, and I have always called him my little brother. Growing up he was shy where I was precocious, so I always looked out for him. Now he is 6 foot something and my head only comes up to his armpit… so now I call him my big little brother!

    • Emily says...

      I love this episode! It was hilarious. And surprisingly interesting! :D

  28. Pauline says...

    When I told my mother about my new boyfriend (now husband) I said that he was very sweet and handsome. After the first time i brought him home she was “oh he’s lovely but i expected a taller man because you said he would be handsome (my mom, i know…) he is quite short !” (173cm by the way, 2 cm shorter than me) And I was like “what, i didn’t realized that at all.” Then my big sis just said: ” oh Mama, that’s her thing. Remeber guy A, B, C, and D?” Ha! She was so right!

  29. Steph says...

    I’m 5’7″ and married to another woman who is 5’1″. Despite our size difference, she has superhuman strength and has been known to pick me up and carry me.
    When I hear single, straight friends express reluctance to date someone because they’re not tall enough, it just makes me kind of sad. Like, it’s hard enough as it is to find someone you’re compatible with, without excluding folks due to something like height. But as a woman who dated women, there definitely weren’t the same expectations for a discrepancy one way or the other.

  30. Deborah says...

    I’m 5″2 and my husband is 6’4.” At our wedding, our wedding planner arranged for me to stand on a crate so we could see eye to eye during our vows. The only problem was on the day of, when they couldn’t find the right crate, they ended up bringing over a huge one. I stood on it and was towering over my husband to be. So much so that my head was obscured by our chuppa (canopy). But we carried on like that saying our vows anyhow. It made for some hilarious photos and our guests thought it was hysterical.

    • Lindsay says...

      Very funny and cute!

  31. Ro says...

    SO JEALOUS OF FRANNY! Though sometimes we can wear each other’s shoes, I’m significantly fatter than my wife and she is significantly taller than me so sharing clothes isn’t possible. I used to seriously fantasize about how amazing it would be to basically have two wardrobes to choose from. And cost effective! Maybe someday we’ll get old and I’ll get thinner and she’ll start shrinking and we can share house dresses :)

  32. Nicole says...

    My husband and I couldn’t care less about our height difference, high heels or not–I’m 5’10 barefoot, he’s two inches shorter. Our son is VERY tall (four feet while he was still four years old), and my husband loves that he’ll be far taller than his dad someday!

  33. Megan says...

    Growing up, my ONLY physical requirement for a partner was that he was taller than me. But my husband of 10 years is 5’9″ (which I feel is generous) and I’m 6’0″. I’m with Emma, there’s something that makes me feel goddess-y about it.

  34. Megan says...

    I’m 5’11”, my husband maybe 5’8” (I actually have no idea, but I’m taller). I remember the summer we met it was a big deal to me and I actually never considered it serious because he was so much shorter. But then a colleague at the bar I worked at said “height doesn’t matter when you are laying down!” ;) and I laughed and pretty much got over it (and myself) right then.
    You realize you don’t give a sh*t when you really like the person!

    • Hahahah. I LOVE that. Totally stealing that when I talk to all my tall friends! (I’m 6’ 2” and my husband is 6’!)

  35. Kat says...

    My husband is an inch shorter than me. I actually never noticed for a long time when we were dating. He always carried himself with confidence and he never pointed it out. It was only the first time we were standing on the same step of an escalator when he put his arm around my waist. I asked him why he never put it around my shoulders. His response “Your shoulders of higher and it is uncomfortable”.

    I was surprised I had never noticed. Growing up, I had always been a “tall girl” and people pointed it out … a lot. It was typically the first thing I looked for when I was dating. But I realized since I felt so good being with my partner, that it had never even crossed my mind.

  36. Emily says...

    My wife is 6 feet tall. I’m 5’6. I love every single thing about it and her.

  37. I’m 5’10”, and I feel like it’s less about the guy’s height, than how he feels about taller women. One of the sexiest moments with a past boyfriend — who was about my height or an inch shorter — was when he picked me up from a work event when I was wearing heels. He was at least a few inches shorter, and made very clear when we were walking around afterwards and at dinner that he was very turned on by how tall I was! A man who finds tall women sexy is sexy to me!

    On the other hand, there was a guy I worked with in my first job, who was really cute and smart and was also about my height. One day when I wore heels said it was “intimidating” when I was tall. That crush dried right up!

    Also, on this topic, I absolutely love Ann Friedman’s article “Why Shorter Men Should Go After Taller Women” from a few years ago: https://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a26348/date-a-taller-woman/

  38. Trish says...

    At 5’11” I seem to be in good company amongst commenters on this post! My husband is 6’2″ and I often kid him for being the shortest man I ever dated. He’s also the shortest guy at gatherings of my extended family. Our friends over the years have nicknamed us “The Talls” and I remind him that, well, you’re not really thaaaaat tall. 10 years in and the joke apparently still isn’t stale for me. I expect we’ll be crouched-over 80-year-olds one day, and I’ll still be reminding him that he was never really all that tall.

  39. Annie says...

    I’m fairly short at 5’3″ and my boyfriend is 6’7″ and I hate it (he’s obviously worth it though)! I feel like I look like a small child around him. For some reason I’ve always associated tall women with such confidence and class so I gravitated towards heels. I wish height were less of a factor in our society though!

    • b says...

      I get that. I have two friends who are over 6 foot and I feel like a toddler around them. We’re within 10 years of age of each other, although I’m the youngest, which makes it even worse. I feel like I’m the kid and they’re the dad, even though we’re equals in so many ways.

  40. Hannah says...

    I’m a good 2-3 inches taller than my husband, who is not only short, but an all-around more petite person than I. He seems to take our size difference in stride, though I never felt brave enough to ask him about it, fearing I’d make him uncomfortable. In retrospect, I feel silly for playing into the clearly misogynistic ideal that the male partner should be taller/bigger! Anyway, I finally got a glimpse into his mindset when a friend asked him, in front of me, how he felt about dating a taller woman. He shrugged and said, “It doesn’t bother me. When we’re walking down the street, I just pretend I’m one of those short old Italian men with a lanky supermodel on his arm.” Needless to say, I married him soon thereafter.

  41. Chandra says...

    I absolutely care about height with dating. So much so that on my dating app profile I put that guys be 6’2+ only to get the guys who are 6’0+. Because every guy who is 5’10 will lie and say he’s 6’0 if he’s interested. Use this trick at your leisure gang! Btw i’m 5’9 for reference.

  42. Megan says...

    I’m exactly the same height as my husband, except first thing in the morning. When we get out of bed, I’ve got a half-inch or more on him! He lets me wrap my arms around his head and sing “Tiny Husband,” which is a song I made up for this purpose.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      oh my gosh, that’s so funny, megan!

    • Claire says...

      I love this. I also make up songs for my family, but generally borrow the tune from an existing song. Is there any chance “Tiny Husband” is set to the tune of “Tiny Bubbles” or “Tiny Dancer?”

    • I wish I could hear this song in real life because even my own made-up version is making me laugh!

  43. Rachel says...

    My husband and I are about the same height (I’m 5’7″). We met online (I found him and sent the first message), where I had arbitrarily set my height preference to 5’9″ or taller. Fortunately, he asked his roommates to measure him and they told him he was 5’9″! It wasn’t until we had been dating for a few months and were standing on level ground that I realized he is absolutely not taller than me. And it doesn’t matter at all. But it truly makes my heart skip a beat that we never would have met if not for his sneaky roommates. I will always be grateful to them!

    • Alice says...

      Oh my gosh, I just love this! It goes to show that height doesn’t matter in the end.

  44. Keri says...

    I am 5’2” and my husband is 6’4”. While there are pros to having a very tall man in my life – it also has consequences. It is very hard to dance with him without heels on and our pictures also look awkward – his head is frequently cut off. I can’t imagine being able to just lean over for a kiss! I have to ask him to bend down first….

  45. Laurel says...

    I’m exactly the same height as my boyfriend. I’m also a few pounds heavier. It took some getting used to, but it’s actually been an eye-opening experience. I didn’t realize how much my feelings of femininity were tied up in feeling smaller than men. I used to cower next to them, desperate to be tiny in comparison. But now, no amount of anything will make me smaller than this man I love. It’s been wonderful for my body image to be forced to let that image go.

  46. Danielle says...

    I always thought I preferred to be with someone taller but then I dated someone in a wheelchair which really impacts a lot of dynamics and expectations. I realized that height was really not important to me. It’s hard to know if you like what you like because that’s what you find attractive or because that’s what society has told you should like. Everyone has the physical things they find particularly attractive. Over the years I’ve realized that it seems strong shoulders and cleft chins are my jam.
    My husband is ever so slightly taller than me and it’s just fine. We can share bikes and we don’t have to adjust the car seat :)

  47. Willow says...

    If it’s good enough for Michelle Obama, it’s good enough for me. My motto is basically WWMD -what would Michelle do? You won’t go far wrong!

  48. my first boyfriend was exactly my height (5’2″) and i don’t think it bothered me (it was 12 years ago so who knowsss). but my dad is tiny – it’s been interesting to grow up and be taller than him and i wish it wasn’t such a big cultural thing because i know it bothers him. in my mind, height does not a strong person make (although i’m sure it’s pretty nice to be able to reach things easily :)

  49. Joy says...

    My preference is a much taller man. There is something about me having to look up at him and standing next to him is so very comforting.

  50. Veronica says...

    I’ll be honest, I have been with my husband for 13 years and I would prefer it if he were taller than me! I never say so, but still, it’s there even thought it’s obviously not really important.

  51. teef says...

    I’m 5’10” and was married to a woman who was 6’2″, which for me, as a woman people already think of as “tall,” was fun! Sometimes she liked to wiggle her eyebrows and say, “I’m taller than literally BILLIONS of people.” That always made me laugh.

    • Scarlett says...

      This is awesome!!

  52. Jenn says...

    I’m about 5′ 3/4″ (I need that 3/4″!) and am shorter than just about everybody I know. I’m short but not tiny, which feels as much a rebuke to social norms as women being taller than men. I love the variety and inclusivity in this post and can’t wait to get a thorough read to all of these comments. Cup of Jo readers always bring so much wit and wisdom, it’s my favorite corner of the internet.

  53. Sam says...

    I’m 5’8″ which is above normal but not tall and all I ever wanted was a 6’1″ gentleman that I could look up to when kissing or lean into when standing (I don’t know why). My husband and I have a running debate as to whether we’re the same height or if one of us has an extra 1/2″ on the other. All of the petite women in my life are married to men over 6′. I don’t get it.

  54. Rebecc says...

    Suggestions for sexy or dress up flats or boots without a heel??

  55. Carolyn says...

    My husband and I are both short at 5’4″ each. It’s actually something I liked about us right away: I didn’t feel overpowered by his physicality, as I had with other men. Not only did that go a long way in making me feel instantly safe and comfortable in his presence, I also felt EQUAL! In every way. Of course, there’s nothing wrong when a partner is taller — but I feel like the societal expectation for the man to be taller is also an expectation for a woman to ACT small, and that’s something we should resist! PS: Our same-height wedding pics are adorable.

    • What a great point! I never felt uncomfortable when dating shorter men (and I’m only 5′ 6″) and I think it was for this reason. I never acted small or “dainty”, and it felt good to be with men who didn’t mind it, and even appreciated being with a woman who pushed the boundaries of the female stereotype.

    • Karen says...

      Oh my gosh, yes! I’m ~2 inches taller than my husband at 5’11”, and I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard some variation on how I must be the dominant one in our relationship. Most notably, the first time I met his grandpa within five minutes of meeting him he literally said, “I noticed you’re taller than Jason, does that mean you wear the pants in the relationship?”

  56. Claudia says...

    This is such an interesting topic, and one I’ve had to struggle with. I wish I was confident about being tall and lanky (I’m almost 5’9) but I won’t lie – I’m not attracted to men who are shorter than me, and it would take me a lot to consider being with someone shorter. I was the same height as I am now by Grade 6 already, and I was bullied and made fun of. I was so self conscious that I even developed scoliosis because I hunched over and tried to make myself shorter. I think for me, personally, I’d need to be with someone taller so I could stand straight and confident like my chiropractor always tells me to. This probably isn’t a popular opinion, but I think height is one of many physical characteristics that people are attracted to… just like I’m more apt to fall for someone with darker features!

    • Cece says...

      I used to feel the same way! I felt like I was likely to only really be attracted to men over 6ft tall, probably because I had a 7 year relationship with a guy who was 6ft 4 and that became my norm.

      But the thing is, as well as being very tall, that boyfriend was also emotionally unavailable and massively unsuited to me. When I finally fell in love with my husband, who is about 5ft 7, after five years of friendship I realised I’d been totally blinded by the height factor. I’d subconsciously ruled him out for no good reason! Turns out for me kindness, loyalty and compatibility are deal breakers, height, not so much.

  57. Kate says...

    Tall ladies – own it! Especially own it in front of young girls who might be taller than the boys in their classes, or the rest of their classmates, for that matter. I’m 33 and to this day people, young and old, comment first on my good posture and second on my height. I’m so glad that my dad was a stickler about me not slouching. I really feel like tall women are called out our height all. the. time. and it can be exhausting. The temptation and pressure to act and look shorter can be strong at times, which is why it’s so important to not let this next generation of girls think they need to be a certain size in relation to a partner! I’m taller than my husband if I’m wearing any type of heel and I tell him all the time how lucky he is to have such a tall wife.

    • Luna says...

      Thank you for this- I am not tall, but my 5 year old daughter will be. I hope she remains as fearless and as proud of her height as she is now.

  58. CG says...

    I spy Smith College :)

  59. Kirsten says...

    I’m both taller than my husband (by like .5”, but definitely in heels) and older than him! Used to bother me a little but I don’t even think about it anymore.

  60. Margot says...

    I do think about height quite frequently, although my fiancé is 6 ft and I’m 5’6. We have talked about how our lives would be different if we were short. For a woman I don’t think it matters that much, but for a man to be 6 ft or taller, at least in our current society, is a massive privilege, not just romantically, but professionally, socially etc. Everything else that has contributed to his success, he has worked for (although there is a lot of inherited privilege, still) – he is super hard working, he deals with a ton of stress, he has always studied hard, he works out rigorously, he meditates, he reads a lot, he works on being a good partner etc. But if he had done everything else te same way, the only difference being that he was very short – sadly, I’m sure his life would be quite different. I’d like to believe that I would still have found him, had he been shorter than me, but then again, I have never dated, kissed or even had a crush on a guy that was shorter than me.

  61. Sarah A. says...

    As a 5’11” woman, married to a man who is 5’8″, I cringed reading that you questioned whether or not to wear the heels. I stopped noticing long ago that I’m taller, and am surprised when people point it out. This idea that men are supposed to be bigger is so riddled with patriarchal nonsense about the provider/protector and his childlike woman. I tower above my male boss and still wear my pumps. It is wonderful being tall. It did not feel that way in middle school, but now I see it as a privilege. I can stand anywhere at a concert, feel less claustrophobic on a packed train, and still wear the shoes of my choosing.
    On the other hand, I do love all these photos! :-)

    • Molly says...

      YES Sarah, its great to be tall! 5’11.5″ here, married to a guy that is about an inch shorter. My 3.5 year old daughter draws pictures of “mamas” that are shorter than the “papas” and I always think “why??”.

  62. Sara says...

    This is a really interesting post. I am 5’4″, a lesbian, and usually have dated people around my height and not thought much of it. However, my current girlfriend is 5’11” and although I don’t notice it when we’re together, I always do a little double take when I see us in the mirror or in a photo. I feel so tiny next to her… and not in a good way, it makes me feel awkward. I wish in general we women weren’t raised to have so many body issues, about every single thing. Like, we cannot help our height!! Why should we feel awkward about it? Sigh.

  63. Catherine says...

    I totally cared, but the other way round; I’m 5’9″ or 5’10” and suffered from being very tall all through my childhood and teenage years (I got lots of mean nicknames); when my biological clock started ticking, I I was more attracted to guys who were a bit shorter than me, because I thought if we end up having kids, I didn’t want for them to be super tall-which they would be if they had 2 very tall parents. My husband is shorter than me, and my 13 and 16 years old kids are still shorter than me, so definitely not giants! That was my biggest fear.
    I don’t wear heels often, event though my husband loves me to!

    • Alice says...

      I get this! I’m 5’9″ and didn’t plan on marrying a tall man, but ended up with a 6’4″ giant. We have two pre-schooler boys, and I worry for their search for trousers when they’re older. Feels weird to think I’ll soon be the shortest in my immediate family, despite previous mean nicknames when I was the lanky teen.

  64. Back when I acted professionally, I was in a short film where the guy cast as my husband was three-ish inches shorter than I am. The director said he hadn’t planned it that way at all, we just happened to be the people he wanted to cast for the parts. But he — and the two of us — ended up really loving the height difference and how it worked against a lot societal expectations. During two shots where we were arguing with each other, the director of photography kept trying to convince the director that my co-star should stand on an apple box (which is pretty standard when you’re filming above the feet and want or need to adjust someone’s height). And the director refused every time, which I loved. I think it’s great that he wanted to show a very romantic and very flawed couple with a height difference that was never mentioned in the script and didn’t matter to the story at all.

    • Kate says...

      Are you modern-day Katharine Hepburn?? Didn’t Bogey stand on a box or upscreen when filming with any woman (i.e. all) taller than him? I mean, you’ve got the same spelling and everything….

    • That was one of the reasons my parents choose that particular spelling — they were both big fans! (I also use Kay as a nickname, just like KH, but that was a total coincidence. 😉)

  65. C says...

    s/o to the C.J. Cregg & Danny romance of the West Wing! C.J. (played by Allison Janney) always rocked heels :)

  66. Cara says...

    This is a topic that plagued me until I met my husband who’s 6’8″. I’m 6 feet tall and not exactly what I’d call thin, which I long considered to be the only acceptable form of tall because then you were like a model. I was told more times than I can count that I had “such a pretty face.” I know for a fact that there were many boys who wouldn’t date me or even ask me to dance because of my size. And my height was often the first thing boys who were shorter than me would ask about when they met me. It usually came with a tone of disgust, like “How tall *are* you?” When I told them, some would dare to say, “Oh, yeah, that’s about how tall I am.” Meanwhile I was staring down at the top of their head thinking that’s literally impossible.

    Now my husband calls me his “tiny wife,” which I must admit makes me very happy. But he absolutely loves how tall I am. It was one of the main things that initially attracted him to me. It feels good to finally fit with someone without thinking about it or awkwardly addressing it. Of course, most of this fitting is emotional and the physical fitting is a nice plus, but it’ s still awesome when we scare the crap out of people when we’re together—especially when I wear heels.

    He makes being tall feel cool.

    • Jaclyn says...

      I can totally relate. I’m 5’9” and people ask all the time “How tall ARE you?!?!” With a tone that makes me think I’m at least two feet taller than the tallest person they ever met before me. And if is a guy shorter than me he’ll say “That’s impossible! I AM 5’9!” Eye roll.

      And at the same time I feel badly that they must really struggle w their own height to make such a big deal about mine.

    • Elizabeth says...

      So why is it OK to ask about or comment on people’s height when they’re tall, but not if they’re short? Why is it OK to say “How’s the weather up there?” when short people would feel insulted if tall said something comparable. I feel like being asked my height (5’10”) often carries a note of rudeness or hostility or contempt. It’s rude to ask short people how tall they are, or ask anyone how much they weigh, or how much money they make, or what religion they are. But tall people? Apparently we’re fair game for the height questions…

    • Janelle says...

      I hear you about the passive aggressive comments to tall people, Elizabeth, but I would like to also add that short people receive unkind comments about their height too. I am short at 5’0 and was constantly pestered about my height growing up, by both bullies and friends. People would often put my things on high shelves and laugh as I struggled to reach them. Comments included, “How are you so small?” and “Does your height qualify you as a midget!?” and “You would have been a great munchkin in the Wizard of Oz!” I wish people would just leave people alone about their height, whether they are tall or short. In the end, we are all just people trying to achieve the same things: happiness, success, and love in this world. With my own children and with my friends, I try to model acceptance and positiveness. In the realm of things to comment on about a person, height is a pretty insipid one. I would much rather comment on someone’s wit, sass, eloquence, beautiful smile, laugh, intelligence, or inner joy.

    • Emily says...

      As a short woman, I have to stand up tall to say, people comment on my size constantly. I am 43 years old and since I was about 14 I have been perceived as short/petite (at age 12 I was practically the tallest girl in my class but that was when I stopped growing). Rarely does a day go by when someone doesn’t make a remark on my height or my size–and it happens in all arenas of my life-personal, professional, public. While I don’t wish size commentary to be an ongoing part of anyone’s life, I can assure you it is not only something tall people deal with. When you’re small, you also deal with size/space encroachment in public constantly–the biggest offenders are men. AND people fail to ACTUALLY SEE YOU, which in crowds can be a nightmare. I think of course everyone is most used to their own experience so while a tall woman may not notice the commentary a short woman puts up with, trust that it is ever present. Because of this I try NEVER to comment on a person’s height or size–this is challenging as I have a pre-teenager whose friends are shooting up seemingly overnight. But trust me, I have heard my more than fair share of “How’s the weather down there” for the past 30 years.

  67. Roxanne says...

    This is a really interesting post! I’m on the tall side and I find that it’s much more likely for other women to comment on my height than it is for my husband (who is my height exactly) or even other men, who seem to mostly not care. I’ve skipped out on heels for most of my adult life because I always felt uncomfortable drawing attention to my height. However, I recently got the cutest pair of heels from Nisolo and wore them to the office. A woman colleague of mine commented that I didn’t need to be any taller than I naturally was, which I’ll admit stung a little bit. I brushed it off and wore them again, but I long for a day when these types of comments are not part of day to day conversations (or the neverending loop in my mind).

    • Chelsea says...

      I’m sorry someone said that to you. How horrible! I’m glad you wore them again anyway!

    • Liz says...

      Also glad you wore them again. She probably was just jealous of your height!!

  68. Matt says...

    It always matters much more to women than to men. Many women will not ever consider a shorter man but for me, I have always known from a very early age that my wife was going to be taller than me.

  69. Ellen says...

    While not the point of the article, I’m pretty sure I was in the same Girl Scout troop as Kerry, Franny’s girlfriend…

    • Franny Eremin says...

      HA! Small world. Just texted her – she remembers you. :)

  70. Pam says...

    I am 5’10” and my husband is 5’9″. Funny thing – we didn’t officially notice (in my head we just seemed about the same and he has a lot of hair) until after we had a kid and started marking her growing height in the pantry door jamb, and she wanted us to mark ours as well. Had a good laugh!
    It has taken years though to really embrace my height (I was taller than everyone in my 6th grade class, even the teacher). After being with my now-husband for 10 years, I just now like wearing heels with him, not just at work; whadduya know, he likes tall me too. I LOVE Emma’s “goddess” quote, and am adopting this view!

  71. Abby says...

    Thanks for including lots of different kinds of couples!

  72. This is why I love your blog, it is so relatable. The comments section is great. I was thinking about this question THIS morning. I’m 5’8 and I always think shorter women are “lucky” because they get to wear heels and not think about it twice.

  73. b says...

    I’m only 5’2″ so I generally prefer the guy to be at least 5’6″. It’s just more comfortable for me. I dated a guy shorter than me once and it was uncomfortable for myriad reasons, although his height was the least of the issues.

    Also, that photo of the Obamas in the elevator is so good. I’m reading her memoir right now and it’s all I want to do.

  74. GM says...

    My boyfriend is 3 inches shorter than me (at least, I’m not sure of the exact numbers because I think his estimate of himself is off) and I seriously always thought I would find someone taller. My dad used to tease me and say “what if you meet someone you love but he’s short?” and I would just say “that would never happen!” It did happen, and if you feel that way it’ll probably happen to you too, lol. But it really doesn’t matter, and he’s close *enough* that if we’re just standing together I can’t tell. That being said, I do occasionally feel giant as a woman who is already (5’8″) taller than I’m “supposed” to be. On the plus side, boyf loves it when I wear heels and tower up to 6′, and I’m learning to be ok with it because I definitely like wearing heels when I’m not worried about the height difference. If you feel constrained by height in some way now, I’d highly advice you to let that go because as much as you may want to be “the small one”, it’s honestly stupid and totally built around norms that we need to break down anyway. You’re limiting yourself and, by the way, sometimes it’s just as cozy to be the big one

  75. Mouse says...

    I struggle to be 5’2″ (But I’m the tallest sibling in my family!!!:)) so I am never taller than any partner. But almost all my guys have been much taller than I, once to a freakish extent: 6’8″. When we walked down the street holding hands people actually laughed. My husband is 5’10”-ish and sometimes he seems too tall, but I think most to the point he (and most of the others) is very unlike my Dad. (5’7″-ish) I love my father, but apparently something in me is responding to men unlike him. Which is ok.

    And I don’t know if wanting to feel small is such a bad thing; I think we all want to feel small and cared for like a child at various times in our lives, men included. I often want to feel large, so I take up space. It’s nice being able to explore the idea of different physical/emotional states.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      “And I don’t know if wanting to feel small is such a bad thing; I think we all want to feel small and cared for like a child at various times in our lives, men included. I often want to feel large, so I take up space. It’s nice being able to explore the idea of different physical/emotional states.” = great point, mouse. xoxo

    • Ani says...

      I’m 4’11 and my husband is 5’11. But I have never felt the difference. I guess it is just how you feel in the world, although I must admit that my two boys are going to be my height soon and they are not even in kinder yet, hehe.

  76. Susan Kerr says...

    Such an interesting post! My teen daughters (5’9 & 5’7) play volleyball competitively, and height is such a requirement–either height or being very quick/agile to play in the back row. I don’t see my kids as tall, mostly because we are surrounded by very tall players at tournaments. Tall in vball might mean 6’4′ for a 16 yr old. People tell me my daughters are SO tall, and I think–well, not really. It’s all relative. Being taller than most peers as a teen girl can be very hard. Adults have had some time to shake off societal norms. It can take time to be secure about body type & height, and in teens these things can change constantly. I am 5’7″ and my husband is 6′ & when I wear heels he definitely notices, but not in a negative way. I think different regions of the country matter with height. We live in Kansas City. When I go to NYC/east coast I feel super tall, but in Minnesota not so much. My good friend in Pittsburgh has a 5’10” daughter and when she was young, everyone in Pittsburgh told her constantly her daughter was SO tall. When they moved to KC for a few years, no one mentioned her daughter’s height. Someone told me once daughters get height from dad and his gene pool, and sons from mom and her gene pool.

    • Amy says...

      The gene pool theory is true in my family – our two daughters take after their 6’2″ dad, and our son takes after 5’4″ me! ;)
      I sometimes feel bad for him, but not that bad.

    • Just Average Height, IMO says...

      I agree on the regional differences! I’m 5’7″ and never felt “tall” growing up in Minnesota. My best girl friends were all 5’10”-5’12” (haha – my 5’12” friend has a great sense of humor)! But when I moved to NYC I felt like a giant – I found myself crouching just to get my hair wet in the shower in the swimming pool locker room, or with my knees bunched up under my desk at the office. I used to work at Target’s corporate office doing merchandise placement on shelves, and we were told to put the most lucrative items at eye level for the average American woman – who is apparently 5’5″, according to Target. (Creepy, anyone?) So by that measure at least, I guess I’m tall!

    • Kate says...

      So true that it’s all relative! In my case, actually relative – all of my cousins on one side of the family are over 6 feet tall. I’m the shorty at 5′ 11″, so I just don’t really notice other tall people. I’ve never felt particularly tall here in KC but next time I travel I’m going to pay attention! I do love watching volleyball games and seeing those awesome strong TALL women owning the court!

    • Karen says...

      The Mom/Dad theory doesn’t hold at all in my family. I’m very tall, which is from my mom’s side and my sister is 8” shorter than me, which could only be from our paternal grandmother, who is the only short one on either side. She’s 2 years older and people used to ask if we were twins growing up.

  77. Josie MacLeod says...

    My mom is 5’10” and my dad is 5’6″. Growing up, I was embarrassed about it, but they have never cared. They definitely prefer photos of them sitting together or in a few go to poses, and they don’t dance together very often since it’s just plain tough, but it is so a non issue. As I have gotten older, this has been an example to me of relationships truly being primarily about the two people in them. If you don’t let something be an issue, those in your life will follow your lead, and I believe this is how society’s opinions slowly change in a bigger way.

  78. Ellen says...

    My husband is short–5’4”?–and I’m tall–5’9”. But he’s my love. We clicked from the first time we met. Issues of height just…don’t matter compared to everything else.

  79. Laura says...

    I always thought I would be open to it, because really, why does it matter? But the truth is, the first time I dated a guy who was shorter than me, he ended up dumping me because it made him feel emasculated. Kind of burned me a bit, and I ended up with a tall drink of water husband who is proud to have a slightly-shorter tall drink of water wife! High fives to all the guys who can handle a gorgeous, strong, tall woman!

  80. Camila says...

    Back when I was single and not finding any dates, my online-dating-savvy friend helped me create a dating profile. She asked me if I wanted to put in a height “requirement” – she is 5’10 and did not date men shorter than her (she is now married to a man a few inches taller). I’m 5’7, never had an issue with height when meeting guys, so did not add any height “requirement”. After a few months of lacklustre dating (tall and short guys), I ended up meeting my now-husband, who is the same height as me, and my perfect match (I still remember discussing “meat sweats” on our first date – if the person sticks around after that, you got a keeper!). I still remember shortly before our wedding, my mom casually suggested I not wear heels so I wouldn’t tower over him. I asked him if it would bother him (although I already knew his answer), and he told me he was happy with whatever I chose, and encouraged me to wear the heels, which I did! We just welcomed our second son this year and just want them to be happy, good people regardless of their size.
    Good thing I didn’t only date tall guys :-)

  81. Emily says...

    As someone who is 5’0 exactly, everyone and their grandmother is taller than me. Past boyfriends required my to crane my neck/stand on my toes at nearly 6’0. I was so excited when I met my husband who is 5’5! Someone I can comfortable snuggle and kiss! Yet still societal pressure made him worry and ask if I “wished he was even taller”. Heck no! He is perfect to me.

    • polyana says...

      same! i’m 5’1 and my husband is 5’6ish. he’s pretty self conscious about his height, but that 5 inch difference is perfect, haha.

  82. Katie says...

    When my husband and I first started dating, I wore flats because I worried if I wore heels I would be taller than him. After dating for almost a month, my hubby finally brings it up… “So, um, do you ever wear heels?” Lol. We had a funny conversation. He loves women in heels and didnt care if they were taller than him. Go figure.

  83. Corinne says...

    I’m 5’10” and my husband is 5’6″. 4 inches doesn’t seem like a lot but it can be awkward for photos. We had the same issue as Jana and Colin for our wedding photos. The photographer had me stand behind my husband at one point and it felt so weird. I had dated someone in college that was only 2 inches shorter than me and he was very self conscious about it. My husband however obviously doesn’t care though he does make jokes when I wear heels. He asks if I’m being “tall” today. :)

  84. I just want to say that I really appreciate that you include lesbian couples when you do relationship posts like this. A lot of feminist minded women’s content about relationships tend to be focused on gender roles, and end up ommitting same gender couples— Cup of Jo always makes an effort to include gay girls in the convo— of course girls can be different heights too, even if there isn’t a stigma attached to it!

  85. Julie says...

    In high school I had a crush on my friend, who was one of MANY Mikes so he was called Little Mike. He was exactly my height at 5’6″, and that didn’t matter one bit-he was also my senior prom date and he was still able to swing me to “Zoot Suit Riot.” (Oh 1998 and your brief obsession with swing music).

    My husband is 6′ tall, which is hot in that he’s so much stronger and bigger, but the half a foot height differential can be awkward sometimes.

  86. My ex husband was just two inches taller and would say he loved how tall I was in heels. I knew he was insecure about how outgoing I was, friendly, and popular in networking circles but never about his height until a conversation with the other woman revealed he preferred her height because she was insanely shorter in heels and it made him feel better. The amazing man I am with now is 6’5” with a bigger outgoing personality who admits he doesn’t feel tall at all, the rest of us are just a bit smaller. He’s also super funny.

  87. Gwen says...

    I’m slightly taller than my boyfriend, but like others here decided that couldn’t stand in the way of true love. I will say though, it -is- uncomfortable at times, makes you question your femininity, think twice about wearing heels etc. I don’t want to feel this way (and I try hard not to), but I society/traditions weigh heavy on who you think you should be, and be with. Want we can all do is consider potential partners regardless of their height and certainly not make friends feel bad for falling for a shorther man. Us taller women are basically pioneering this – but it will get better with time :-)

    • Anon says...

      I love this comment!

  88. Bren says...

    It’s so crazy this is a post because I’ve been thinking for weeks about how you all need to write a post on this topic!!! I am 5’9″ and my husband is 5’8″, although his license claims 5’9″ but I think we all know the truth haha. I will be super transparent that after my first 5 dates with my husband, I called it off because I didn’t know if I could ever get over the height difference. We were set up on a blind date, mind you, and I almost didn’t even say yes to that in the first place. It didn’t help that my previous boyfriend was 6’5″ and I was still adjusting. But he was SO cute, and SOOOOO hilarious that I wanted to keep seeing him! He chased me down despite me calling it off and I eventually gave in. There are a lot of moments that stand out as I came to grips that this may be my forever reality if we kept on dating and getting more serious. One time I went over to his house after work and I really wanted to change out of my work clothes, and he offered me his sweatpants. I just politely declined, because internally I was horrified that my legs are FIVE INCHES LONGER than his and his sweatpants would have been capris on me! We would be sitting next to each other in church and my femurs would just keep on going way past his shorter legs! I remember in the beginning of our relationship, I was sitting with a close girlfriend kind of whining about the whole height thing. And I’ll never forget that she said “There will come a day that you will not only not care at all about the height difference, but you will actually be super defensive of the fact that it even matters at all!” And you know what? She was right. 7 years of marriage and 2 babies later and I never even think about it anymore. It took me about 3 years of marriage to start wearing heels, and looking back I should have done it way sooner. Why should short girls get to wear heels?! Can’t I have fun too?! I actually think it takes a really confident man to not care if his partner is taller than he is. And I’m now on a lifelong quest for tall girls to give shorter guys a chance. Because how sad would it be if you missed out on the best life ever all over a couple of inches?!

  89. Marisa says...

    My partner is 3 inches shorter than me and I wish I could say it didn’t bother me for the first few years we were together. Now 13 years and two kids later, I’ve discovered some great advantages! First of all, I had two wonderful births of 7 pound babies that fit easily through my tall lady pelvis. Our older daughter has always been tall like me, and our one year old is in the 10th percentile in height and is clearly going to be a much smaller person. I’ve been really sad about having my last baby, and I kind of get cheered up by having her be so physically little! Haha. Another advantage is that we bought an adorable little vintage camper for family vacations and if my partner were any taller than me he just wouldn’t fit! As it is our little family fits perfectly.

    • Cory says...

      I love this blog so much! I had an emotional journey reading the comments. I’ve always been attracted to tall guys, but it isn’t hard to be taller than me because I’m only 5’5” and I don’t care thaaat much, but I guess I do care deep down and I’m going to wrestle with that a little. I can’t abide by anyone who wishes me to be smaller physically, emotionally, professionally, whatever— that’s probably the root of it, and we make a lot of assumptions about tall guys and confidence that are BS. I live in southern mexico right now and I tower over people here, which was weird for a few months but now I really don’t notice it. I read something recently, I can’t remember for the life of me where, but this girl was talking about staying in a relationship for too long because she thought her boyfriend was interesting and had a good personality but it turned out that he didn’t, he was just tall— it cracked me up!

  90. My brother read this book The Definitive Book of Body Language and always said to me that I’d be better off with a guy who is within two inches of my height! My husband is 5’5 and I am 5’3! I guess I took it to heart! We met on OkCupid and he said that when he was on the app he would filter out girls who were 5’5 or taller because he didn’t want them to be disappointed when they met him. That made me SO sad, but I totally understood his logic!

  91. Elise says...

    My husband is an inch taller than me, and I remember thinking about it when we started dating, but not anymore! I like being basically the same height – it makes kissing and holding hands and everything easier!

  92. Laura says...

    I come from a tall family-friendly I’ve been 6ft since I was 14. Something that made me SO MAD a few years ago, was finding out that one of my friends liked my also-tall sister, but his reason for not dating her was her height. He was taller! It just annoyed me so that basically he liked her, but not her height. For a while I wondered if I was still single because I’m ‘too tall’… I don’t think I believe that anymore!

  93. Becca says...

    I am 5’9 and don’t share my height on dating apps, cause I don’t really care. But, the guys *always* comment on how tall I am, and sometimes their face betrays that they wish I weren’t quite so much taller than them. Oh well, that’s a good way for me to know they’re not my type, if they feel so insecure about their height :P

  94. My Oma was taller than my Opa. In their wedding photos he is standing a full step up from her in front of the church so they look to be the same height. She never got over it- she was always lamenting shortening our genetic line! Meanwhile, my wife is a full foot taller than I am and almost twice my size and we rarely notice (except when we’re folding laundry!).

    • Julia says...

      Hahaha my husband is 10’ taller than me and he always has so much folding my laundry- or, as he calls it, “playing with dolls’ clothes”

    • Julia says...

      @Julia, that’s hysterical, my 9″ taller-than-me husband says the same thing…I was thinking, wait did I already comment on this post?

  95. Colleen says...

    I’m a solid 5’8″ and my husband is an almost-there 5’8″, and he loves it even more when I wear heels. He calls me his tall lady! Even aside his sweet nature, I’m not sure why it ever matters to anyone. I’ve dated taller and shorter, and the good ones just don’t care either way.

  96. d says...

    My brother, the kindest, most generous person, has gotten dumped over the height factor. Single Ladies, if 5′-6″ isn’t an issue for you, my little brother is turning 31, is gainfully employed, smart with money, has a Westie and a great family, and is still patiently looking for the love of his life. He would kill me for posting this. HA!

    • Jessica says...

      aw that’s terrible, your brother sounds like a great guy! (and you sound like a wonderful sister!) too bad I am in Canada…!

    • Claire says...

      D, I am 5’2″, 31, and 100% about guys that are 5’6″ (it’s how tall literally everyone else in my family is, and I have always been so jealous!). If he doesn’t live too far from Houston…tell him to call me, haha!

    • Claire says...

      D, I am 5’2″, 31, and all about dating guys who are 5’6″ – that’s how tall everyone else is in my family (literally everyone but me!), so it’s honestly my preferred height! If he is anywhere near Houston, tell him to call me, haha

    • cgw says...

      I’m married, but I love this comment ^^^. You forgot to say whereabouts he lives.

  97. Alexandra says...

    Great topic and so much fun to read the comments section. 6 footer here, with a 1 inch shorter husband; with heels the difference is visible. And he loves having a tall woman! He has never had any issues with my size, and I did not care either.
    I was that size when I was 14, and it was the most awkward time, but later I got used to it and enjoy wearing heels now. The good thing is that if you get lost in a crowd, your friends will always find you, because you stick out conveniently. The funny thing is, however, that my best (male) friend and coworker is not much more than 5.2, and we both can feel people stare at us when we go out together. Also, I am wondering why people feel it’s okay to ask me about my height. Just like someone’s weight, ancestry or other, it’s nobody’s business.

  98. S says...

    How interesting that so many of the responses are from tall women! I am 5″11 and live in NYC and it feels like I rarely interact with women my height, yet so many are responding here! And there is definitely a tall woman bond…Carla Hall walked by me outside of Trader Joe’s recently, caught my eye, hooted and yelled something about how wonderful it is to be tall and gave me a high five. It was such a joyous sweet celebratory moment!

    My mother is 5″2 on a good day and really ingrained in me how lucky I am to be tall, and I think because of that I was never attracted to anyone who was not tall. My husband is 6″3 so he is taller, but on the short end of people I dated and I am always taller than him when we go out because I wear heels.

    Now our two year old is a teeny tiny GIANT. She towers over children her age and older! Practically daily I have conversations with strangers who cannot believe she is not three or four, often they treat me like I must be mistaken. I am already making a huge effort to make her feel positively towards her height. As Krate commented, I am so deeply worried that gender dynamics will make her want to apologize for being so wonderfully tall. I want her to embrace it and love it like I do!

    Fuck society. She will be a 6″3 swan goddess.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      “Carla Hall walked by me outside of Trader Joe’s recently, caught my eye, hooted and yelled something about how wonderful it is to be tall and gave me a high five.” = AMAZING. and i love that you are showing your daughter to love her height and body and self. xoxo

    • Monica says...

      Don’t worry I have the same situation with my almost two year old! She’s tall and big and SO darling. I’m 5’11” and my husband is 6’4″ and my extended family is obsessed with keeping height in the family. Whenever any of my cousins or siblings are dating somebody the first question is always, “How tall is he/she?” But maybe that’s part because my grandparents met in a club for tall people!

    • Tovah Close says...

      My kiddos are in the same boat– they’ve always been off the charts tall; my barely-three year old is taller than a six year old we know. They’re both boys, so I get that society may see that differently than tall girls. But I still hope they stand tall and aren’t teased for being giants!

  99. Liz says...

    Man, I wish so bad that I could not care — because really, you’re right: who cares?! But honestly, I’ve always felt so insecure about my “largeness” whenever I’ve dated someone shorter than me. I’m 5’9″, which is not super tall, but still a good 5″ taller than average. I really hope its just something I can learn to not think about because it really is so meaningless.

  100. Paige says...

    I’m 5’8, and have been so since I was 12. My first boyfriend was 8 (!) inches shorter then I was, and while we got a bit of teasing from our friends, it was never a factor in our relationship, it’s not like we could change it at will.
    My husband is 6 inches taller then I am, but my girlfriend (we’re polyamorous) is 7 inches shorter. Both of them love when I wear heels, my husband because we’re near the same height with heels so he doesn’t have to bend down, and my girlfriend because she feels like she dating an Amazonian goddess (her words lol).

  101. Emily says...

    I’m very short so everyone is taller than I am, including (now) many of my 11-year-old son’s friends. I don’t know that I have even ever closely interacted with a man my height so I can’t say if it would have an impact on me but I’m guessing it might as I am so accustomed to being the smaller one in any relationship.

    I will say as a petite female one thing that drives me bananas is that a lot of people try to pick me up. I’m wondering if other smaller people experience this? I have had to repeatedly ask some of my male friends not to do this–I can tell when someone is about to pick me up (often when hugging me) and I say, Oh don’t pick me up please.

  102. It’s wild how this cultural ‘norm’ persists. I want to live like it doesn’t matter, but it’s so ingrained! My most serious ex boyfriend was only about an inch taller than me and I wore heels a good deal. Sometimes he would joke about it but I couldn’t really tell if he cared. I didn’t.

    Recently I watched Dancing with the Stars Juniors and thought it was really refreshing how little to no emphasis was placed on the heights in each pairing.

  103. Liz L says...

    It is important to me that my partner be taller than me because I’m so petite (4’9″) and I needed someone to reach the second shelf. I thought for years my now husband was very tall (we met in high school so forgive me naïveté) and as it turned out he is only tall to me as he is only 5’5″!

  104. Ro says...

    At 5’7, I tend to be around the same height as many guys, especially when I’m wearing heels. It’s crossed my mind in the past that it might look weird that I’m taller, and I’ve adjusted my footwear accordingly.

    But really, who cares? Not only does it not matter, but I’ve realized shorter men are the perfect hugging height. My boyfriend is a few inches taller than me, but the same height when he slouches, and we really get in there chest-to-chest when we hug. I feel totally enveloped, like a puzzle piece locking in. I don’t know if it’d be the same with a taller guy, though I’m sure they have their good qualities too :)

  105. alison says...

    I’m 5’6 and my boyfriend is 6’6, a full foot taller than me. Usually he is the tallest guy in the room. I am constantly surprised by how many women say “aw, I always wanted a tall man.” Because while he is good at changing light bulbs, mostly he wishes he was shorter! Driving a sedan? Forget about it. Terrifying small children? All the time. People thinking you are the bouncer? More often than you would think. It’s a good reminder that we all have insecurities.

    • Ivy says...

      I’m 5’7″ and my husband is 6’4″. No one tells you that you’re always going to need to stand at the back of concerts, otherwise people yell at you!

  106. Sarah says...

    I was just overhearing friends recently who were swiping through a dating app and one said “oh but how tall are you? He’s shorter. No way.” And I just feel like height is something you don’t have any control over, so why should it matter? I know some people are attracted to certain qualities, and maybe height is one of them. But for me, I’m more interested in character and personality than what we will look like in formal photos when I wear heels. I’m slightly taller than my partner and I’ve never even thought to ask what he thinks when I wear heels!

  107. Rachael says...

    I’m 5’8” and my husband is 6’5”. I really love that he’s so tall (especially when I was pregnant it made me happy that he would always be bigger in one dimension!) 😂 and I always consciously dated taller guys. But I’m the first girl my husband ever dated over 5’2”—go figure!

    • Laura C. says...

      6’5″? Lucky you sister! Both me and my husband are 5’5″!

  108. JC says...

    My husband is only a few inches taller than I am (and at 5’1″ I’m pretty petite). When I was dating my partners would generally be much taller, except for one fellow who was the same height as my husband. The only difference was that the fellow I dated was incredibly insecure about his height and made a big deal about things like heel height and how to properly pose for pictures. My husband however is confident in himself and his height and encourages me to “wear the shoes”! I have to admit, having had the two very different experiences, the self-confidence is so. damn. sexy. Who cares anyway!?!

  109. kat randall says...

    Some of my good friends have a big height difference (she’s a bit over 6 ft and he’s around 5’9″) She told me they were freinds for awhile first and “I turned him down twice before we started going out, and then I realized, he is everything I want in a man, the ONLY thing holding me back was his height, I always thought I’d marry someone taller than me, so I got over it, and that was that”

    beautiful!

  110. Sarah says...

    I found it odd to include same sex couples in this post…
    Are Ellen and Portia an example b/c Ellen is the more masculine (at least at face value because of how she dresses) person in the relationship and she is shorter? It’s seems like that’s what you’re getting at here, which just plays into the whole “gender dynamics baggage” that you commented about above. They’re both women-height difference, no height difference-there is no expectation of your significant other being taller as there is for women with men, who are genetically predisposed to grow taller than women…

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      thanks for your note! we included same-sex couples because it does seem that women are told by society (as they grow up) to be small, young, demure, etc, no matter what their sexual orientation is. so, for this post, we wanted to talk to various women who are taller than their partners (whether their partners are male or female or non-binary) about how they feel about this.

    • Franny Eremin says...

      Hi Sarah!

      Thank you for your comment – I really appreciate hearing your perspective. Even though height in dating has always been more closely associated with heterosexual couples, I think that because of societal beauty standards (like Joanna is also talking about), women who don’t identify as straight can also relate to the topic.

      Franny x

    • I was honestly glad to see same sex couples on the list. Even though there isn’t the exact same expectation for which woman will be taller or shorter, I definitely felt the height thing with my last girlfriend. We were the same height, but I was more feminine, so I often wondered if I should refrain from wearing heals/make myself look smaller. Gender expectations are still present in same sex relationships, they can just be even more confusing!

      COJ does a great job of including different types of relationships, which I really appreciate as a queer person who has dated both men and women. I feel like there is almost always something I can relate to in your relationship articles.

  111. Elizabeth says...

    I’m 5’3 and my husband is 6’6. THIS IS NOT PRACTICAL! Impossible to dance with, really. And kissing? After weeks of neck pain when we were first dating, I finally demanded that he squat. I believe there was some feminist diatribe involved where I talked about how short women were just expected to strain their neck and stand up on their tippy-tippy toes to kiss tall men, but men were never expected to come to our level. So now I’m like: bend at the waist, I want a kiss.

    • Claire says...

      Haha, I love that, Elizabeth! I’m 5’1.75″ (yes, the three-quarters is critical…) and my boyfriend is 5’10.5″ or so. When he stands directly next to me, I notice a big height difference, but, oddly, as we’re walking, it seems like his gait makes him look shorter to me? But when we kiss it can be noticeable. I tease him that he never met a bench he didn’t like/want to sit on, so if we’re out somewhere, we often end up side by side on a bench to kiss. Then, sometimes he’ll sort of pick me up so I’m sitting on his lap. Swoon. And problem solved.

    • So funny. I’m 5’8” and my boyfriend is 6’5”. When I’m wearing flats or barefoot and he notices that I am on my tippy toes, he lifts me to kiss me. Otherwise, bend, homie. Lol

  112. M says...

    I’ve dated men several inches shorter and more than a foot taller, and someone about the same height or a little taller feels the most comfortable to me – so easy to hug, kiss, or stare down when mad. My current boyfriend is about an inch taller than me, and I like it. Plus, I’ve always hated wearing heels, so this gives me an excuse never to wear them again! Like the other commenters, what I really struggle with is not height but weight difference. My boyfriend is broad shouldered but very slim, whereas I am very buxom and curvy. Early on, I remember sitting next to him at dinner and noticing that my thighs were twice as wide as his and being filled with revulsion. After mentally lamenting his toothpick legs, I realized that my feelings weren’t about his legs at all but about my own internalized shame about not being skinny and how his thin frame made me feel correspondingly fatter. I’d been purposefully dating giant slab of beef men not to face my own feelings about my body. I still sometimes find myself getting caught in that mind trap as I pick out size small shirts for him and large for myself, but my boyfriend is kind and funny and makes all of my bad days good. In the face of that, the discrepancy in the size of our thighs seems so irrelevant.

    • Courtney says...

      Oh my gosh, I can completely relate! I am 5’8 and my husband is 6’1, but I was very insecure about the thigh difference in particular for a long time. I never told him about it specifically, always just how I wanted to lose weight, eat better, etc. He has never told me that I am anything other than beautiful and how lucky he is. It is totally my insecurity, and you’re right, in the face of all that is amazing in our relationship (and even some of the struggles) it’s irrelevant. Keep in mind he loves you just the way you are :)

  113. Jess says...

    I am 2 inches taller than my husband (I’m 5’8”). I never thought I’d end up with someone shorter than me, but he is the person for me and it’s a total non-issue.

    Now we have a 2 year old son who (if he maintains his current height chart trajectory) will likely be on the shorter side as an adult. I really hope his future romantic partners don’t rule him out based on his height! So I loved seeing the examples in this post of couples with various height combos. Thank you!

  114. Nichole says...

    My husband is taller than me and I do like that physical aspect of him to be honest. I did date a guy in college who was an inch or two shorter than me. It didn’t bother me though and I never gave it much thought until one day we were standing in line at a restaurant and it suddenly dawned on him. He looks at me and says, “You’re taller than me, aren’t you.” Since it hadn’t bothered me before I just laughed and joked “Yeah, I think so! Does this mean I can’t wear heels around you?” He gave me the most annoyed look and replied, “Seriously, don’t ever wear heels around me.” Now, I hate heels anyway, but what right did he have to tell me what I could or couldn’t wear?? It was also pretty unattractive to see how he reacted in that moment. There were other issues too, but it was no surprise that we broke up not long after that.

    • Heather says...

      I am so annoyed by your former boyfriend and I don’t know either of you! lol

  115. Whitney says...

    So funny -my husband brought this up last night and told me he loves that I’m shorter than him. He’s 6’ and I’m 5’4”. I’ve dated guys at varying heights but I prefer my husband’s height. I fit into his arms just so, I love when he leans down to kiss me and I never question wearing heels. Ultimately height doesn’t really matter. My attraction to him lies in his intelligence, his ability to make me laugh at everything, and the way he lights up when he plays with our children.

  116. Lauren says...

    I am 5’10 and have been since middle school which lead to a lot of taunting from the boys who had not yet hit their growth spurts and made me feel really insecure about my height. I unfortunately internalized their “giant woman” taunts and felt big and awkward for years. As I have grown older, I have embraced my height and am happy to wear heels but tend to buy ones that are 3″ and under for comfort. My husband is 5’11 so we are basically the same height and he has no problem with me being taller than him in heels which has also increased my confidence. I wish I hadn’t spent so much of my adolescence upset about my height but am grateful that it’s no longer something I feel negative about as an adult.

  117. JBS says...

    Thank you for writing about this! My 4 year-old son is the smallest in his preschool class, and I have my moments of “Will he be picked on? Will he find a date?!” So it’s very, very refreshing to read about these lovely couples who just don’t give a hoot for convention! It is, after all, about personality, and good things really do come in small packages! (Like my precious boy!)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      he sounds wonderful, JBS! i’m sure he will be adored :)

  118. Isa says...

    I’m 5’7 and my boyfriend too. Although I wish I didn’t care, he always preferred shorter girls… But here we’re. We’re getting married next year and I must say that my heels will be tiny and I hope he wears some shoes that make him taller… Or that I learn to be less insecure :) will rethink about the goddess quote!

  119. Laura says...

    I’ve always dated taller than me (I’m 5’6) – but over time, the height of the men I dated slowly went down. My high school boyfriend was 6’5, college boyfriend was 6’2, after-college boyfriend was 6′. My husband is 5’6 – exact same as me. We have very different body types, but look amazing in each other’s clothes (down to our shoes). We call it “our wardrobe”.

  120. Jen says...

    What a fun post! I’m 5’9 and my partner is 6′ but I have dated guys my height, and shorter, and taller. I love when I’m slightly taller than my bf in 4″ heels – it feels fun and sexy and don’t we all wish we could be Chrissy Teigen?! Franny and her girlfriend are just the cutest- I can’t believe they are the same size in everything. How convenient and yet romantic!

    • Franny Eremin says...

      Haha, thanks Jen!! It’s super convenient – when we both like something in a store, only one of us will buy it because we know we’ll just end up sharing. :)

  121. I LOVE this topic because it comes up all the time with my husband and I. He’s very tall and I’m very average–he’s 6’7″ and I’m only 5’4″. I grew up as the shorty in a family of tall people so I’ve always been aware of my small stature but I did NOT anticipate falling in love with somebody SO TALL. When we first began dating I was a little self-conscious about it but after so many years, I literally forget there is even a difference at all between us. That is, until we’re shopping and I catch a glimpse of us in a store window, and then I gasp! I also turn into a total mamma bear when people ask him blunt questions like “omg do you play basketball?” (I secretly want to punch them, would you ask somebody how they got so fat or why their nose is so big?) For some reason, people feel completely comfortable commenting on this one particular physical trait that oddly enough you have zero control over. But, I love being the smalley to my talley. :)

  122. Lucy says...

    This really resonated with me! I’m the exact same height as my boyfriend, though he also slouches more. And honestly, if I could change *one thing* about him it would be his height (because the rest of him is perfect but also because I WANT TO BE THE SMALL ONE). Luckily I hate wearing heels, so just don’t. But it’s so hard not to care about being shorter! Curse you social pressure!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      “I WANT TO BE THE SMALL ONE” = that is soooooooo much of what it is! you’re so taught to be small. and i feel the same way!

  123. Kate says...

    I’m 5’10” and I was never worried about height, but the men I dated seemed so hung up on it. First dates always felt like a minefield traversed in the flattest shoes possible because I was honest about my height and the men weren’t :D (I was showed up to a date and the guy looked up at me, said “I didn’t think you’d be so tall” and that was the end of the date.) I’m also plus size so I just take up space on this earth and dating felt so stressful.

    My current boyfriend (who I think is the one) is 6’2″ and he loves my height and my plus size self. He’s happy to see me wear heels and he calls me his Wonder Woman. (I’m far closer to Rubenesque but it’s the thought that counts. :D) I could care less that he’s taller than me, but my mother seems very pleased that I’ve found someone taller than me :)

  124. Eliza says...

    Dude, I was about to search your archives for a post on this subject this very day!! how did you know?

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      wow, eliza! brain match :)

    • Eliza says...

      Ironically, I was thinking about it because I’ve started seeing a (great!!) guy who is about 2 inches taller than me, and then I was thinking, I think Alex is not that much taller than Jo, I wonder if she’s written about it. I’ve been reading here for too long :)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      awww, i love that, eliza. he sounds wonderful!!!! it’s nice to be similar height, good for selfies ;)

  125. Kate says...

    These photos of the Obamas just make my heart ache. Long may they serve as brilliant humans – and keep living by example with their tireless work, grace, dignity, and humor.

    • Marcella says...

      SAME, I’ve been binge watching all the Michelle Obama book tour interviews on youtube recently. Miss them </3

  126. Lindsey says...

    At 5’9″, it always felt strangely difficult to find a man taller than me. So I dated men shorter! It never bothered me; strangely, it made me feel even sexier, like how Emma calls herself “tall and goddessy” (though I wouldn’t have used that word at the time). Now, my husband is 3 inches taller, but when I wear heels, we’re the same height, and that’s nice too. :)

  127. Louisa says...

    I’m 5’10” and my husband is 5’9″ (he says…). The difference is unmistakable. But recently I noticed that whenever my daughter draws our family, she draws daddy as the tallest one. Or if she is pretending that, say, three pumpkins are a family then the biggest pumpkin is the “daddy.” It bothers me, but I’ve said “That’s interesting – is the daddy always the tallest one?” (and also: “Do all families have daddies?”) so many times she’s started to roll her four-year-old eyes at me. I can’t believe how early on society wins out over my feminist gusto. (Also, if she’s drawing a boy animal, she just draws it. If she’s drawing a girl animal she adds a bow or eyelashes. Kid, you KILL me.)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      this is so fascinating, louisa!!!

    • shade says...

      I love that you’re bringing up these questions to her. Even if she is rolling her eyes at them, she is hearing it. That seems important.
      My 5 yr old son also wanted the daddy pumpkin to be the biggest this halloween (although I am much shorter than my husband). I’m going to start adding your questions into relevant situations. I’m sure I’ll get some eye rolls as well. ;)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      love these questions. when we play with little wooden figures, i’ll also sometimes have two men be married, or two women as the mommies of a baby, etc. i just try to work in different scenarios, so they always know it’s a possibility for them, and wonderful for others, too!

  128. Jennifer says...

    I’m 5’6″. My brother and dad are 5’9″ and very hairy (well, my dad has shrunk a bit, but…). My husband is a not-so-hairy 6’1″ and a slimmer body type than the barrel-chested guys in my family. Like others have mentioned, I like that my husband’s frame doesn’t feel like a family member. It’s not his height that’s specifically a bonus (except when he reaches stuff for me), but it’s the difference from my family that I like.

  129. As a girl who’s six two, the topic of how tall your partner is definitely still front and center. Strangers stop me on the street, in restaurants, bars, etc. to ask: “How tall are you?” Constantly. Often, they’ll follow up with, “How tall is your husband/boyfriend?” or, “How tall are your parents?” (I never understand that last one, are they doing some breakthrough genetic research? Yes, my parents are tall….duh.)

    As for me, my husband is 2 inches shorter than I am. Like Franny and her girlfriend, we wear (almost) all the same sizes, down to the shoes. (But when I note how convenient this is—I can literally borrow his running shoes while we’re traveling!—people always react awkwardly.)

    Being an extra tall girl was tough in high school—I struggled to get dates to dances, etc.—but in hindsight, it’s nice because I naturally weeded out a lot of guys who were insecure and unconfident in themselves and their own bodies. As the great Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie says:

    “Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in.”

    • Amanda says...

      As a fellow 6’2″ woman dating someone 2 inches shorter than me, I endorse all of this! So many people have asked my boyfriend if it bothers him, right in front of me. He has zero hang-ups about it…but it’s crazy how height is one thing people feel totally comfortable asking invasive questions about.

  130. Lynn Bossange says...

    Hahaha this 5’10” girl maaaaay have thought that throughout her 20s. :) Now I am secure in my height (which is the same as my husband’s).

  131. Allyson says...

    I personally don’t care, but… I have several friends who fudged their height to be shorter (to be under 5’6″) on various dating sites, and it turned out they only appeared in their significant other’s searches because they were listed in that shorter category.

    I also have a male coworker who is solidly 5’8″, but wears shoe lifts and shoes with disguised higher heels… so the bias may only be changing among women, and not men…?

  132. jessica says...

    One of my sons is 5’4 so I worry about this all the time….

  133. Sarah Hansen says...

    I’m 6’0″ and my husband is 5’10”. I love my height and he loves having a tall partner. We have two children together (and a third on the way!) and they are truly baby giants. At doctor appointments, in the grocery store, etc, everyone comments that my kids must be “tall like Daddy!” I always respond emphatically “No, they are tall like Mommy!”

  134. Susie says...

    A lovely guy I dated is 6’4 and I’m 5’7, so hugging was a bit awkward (sore backs all round) until I discovered the joy of the bottom step of the stairs. From then on, when I wanted to give him a proper hug I stood on the step and he stood on the ground. It became our “kissing step”!

    • Amy P says...

      Yes! My husband is 6’2″ and I’m 5’4″, and I don’t really enjoy our height difference except when he can reach things for me. We do use our bottom stair as a kissing step as well haha! The sore back/neck thing is real.

      The thing that’s the saddest to me is that it’s difficult to feel connected in a crowd because it’s not as casual to make eye contact when we’re next to each other. If I want to whisper something to him, give him a quick kiss, or even shoot him a look to warn him to say no to the person about to harangue us into something – it’s not subtle. And I can’t read his face out of the corner of my eye to gauge his reaction to things. I’ll admit I feel a little jealous of our friends who are usually much closer in height and have this advantage when in social settings. It seems to be romanticized to have a man significantly taller than his petite wife, but I have to say I’d rather that my partner and I were within a couple inches of each other!

  135. Cat says...

    I’m 5″3 and in high school/college, I dated a guy that was 5″2. It never impacted our relationship but in the end, he turned out to be a jerk (cheated, lied etc). His lack of integrity more than anything made me lose attraction to him. When it ended though, I found myself relieved that I could wear my heels and boots again. One reason I couldn’t before was that he was always insecure about his own height. So long story short, height shouldn’t matter – but some short guys bring their own insecurities into the relationship that can be unhealthy.

  136. Elizabeth says...

    I’m 5’10” and my husband is about 6’1″. I enjoy being tall, for the most part (I liked it more 25 lbs ago). Everyone, but especially tall women, understand the phrase “he has a short man complex” but I have also known legions of men who were extremely charming, funny, kind, and so appealing. I attribute this to a positive “short man complex” in that they knew being short and male would be a disadvantage and they compensated by developing character and personality. I find that I get along better with short men than tall men — it’s like we have an understanding that we’re at a disadvantage socially. It’s us against the Tall Man World!

    Over my long (way too long) dating life, I was always amazed at the number of short men who expressed an interest in me. I always respected the fact that height didn’t seem to bother them.

    I find it much harder to be in a group of shorter women. Physically it’s harder to participate in the conversation — it’s going on below me. Again, I think there’s an unspoken bond between tall women: “So nice to look another woman in the eye — thank you for being tall!”

    • Anne says...

      I’m 5’7″ – tall but not unusually so – and I find it difficult to be in a group of women too! Nearly all of my girl friends are 5′, mayyybe 5’2″. I end up slumping to be in their conversation zone, and group photos are so silly! How did I end up with exclusively short friends?

    • Alexandra says...

      Oh, so true about it being more difficult to be in a group of short women. My bosses (all female) are all quite a bit shorter than my 6 ft. self. I sometimes do feel that the conversation is going on below me and I tend to slump a bit in their presence, which is not great. Luckily my CFO is a tall guy, so that makes up for it, because in his presence I don’t feel the need to slump.
      And yes, I agree to the unspoken bond between tall women: I sing in a choir, where it’s a bit awkward to be that tall, as most women are shorter. But I found my crew: two tall, older ladies who are absolutely hilarious, and we are the fun right hand back corner …

  137. Anna says...

    My dad is 6’6″ and my mom is 5’5″, so there’s a 13 inch difference between them, I think I just assumed that was the norm! I also grew up in a part of the country where there are lots of people of Dutch descent, so I hardly knew any boys under 6′!
    Until I met my husband, that is!
    He (says) he is 5’10” (so does my sister-in-law–but one of them is lying because she is DEF taller), and for me at 5’6″ I’ve never minded. When I hug tall men, it feels like I’m hugging my dad. Which is wonderful, but not what I want from a husband-hug :)

  138. Carrie says...

    I think it’s so cute when the wife is taller!! My husband, on the other hand, stands exactly 1′ taller than me…and I think we’re cute too :)

  139. Julia says...

    I’ve always dated men that are my height or a tiny bit taller. I’m 5’6. I will say I have never had an issue with it, but I did realize while hugging a friend the other day (that is about 6’4), that I fit comfortably under his arm in a side hug. AND it was just so cozy! Or maybe its just winter and I was cold?? Or maybe I like my friend more than a friend regardless of height?!!? Woah.

  140. Zulema says...

    Yes, it’s ingrained in me to have dated guys taller than me. I guess I feel more protected for some weird reason. I did date a guy who was my height and it really bothered me. I’m 5’4″ and my husband is 5’10” so I’m glad I’m not taller than him even in I wear heels.

  141. Stephanie says...

    My dad is shorter than my mom and I never understood why it was a big deal. My dad is amazing – he is a great leader, silly, handy, and a wonderful person. Men’s heights don’t define them and I hope this stigma is changing. One thing I love is that his nickname was Wishbone in college since he had bowed legs (hence the shortness), haha!

  142. Julie says...

    I don’t *want* to be the person who cares about this, but I always dated much taller guys (I’m 5’8 and most of them were over 6′ at least) and my husband of 5.5 years is about my same height. I obviously don’t care so much that it was a deciding factor, but I do miss that height difference sometimes. Not going to lie.

  143. Jane h Lee says...

    My fiancé, Dan is 3 inches shorter than me. I’m 5’11” and I always swore off shorter guys. I always wanted to feel smaller. But when I met him he made me head-back-laugh. His personality really drew me in and I just overlook the height. There were times when I felt insecure especially during formal events… I would always debate on wearing heels! But he would just encourage me to wear whatever made me feel confident. Now our wedding is in March and I was thinking when we stand by the alter it’s going to look SO awkward!! But then Dan would say – everyone in that room knows us and loves us – they will not care. SO true!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      you guys sound like an amazing, joyful couple!!!

    • KC says...

      1. I would totally not worry about it, but
      2. If you truly can’t stop worrying about it, wearing ballet flats (I went for actual ballet shoes: there is maybe 1mm of “stuff” between you and the floor, and bonus: incredibly easy to dance in) while he’s wearing regular men’s shoes can swipe about an inch off the height difference. I wanted to wear ballet shoes for my wedding because one of my Wedding Day Criteria was that everything I wore needed to not hurt, not move out of place, not make me worry, and basically not distract me at all – so I wore plain white leather ballet shoes as the most reliable easy-to-move-in, no-pain shoes I’ve ever found. And it turned out that choice also snipped down the small height differential between me and my husband (which doesn’t bother me at all, but does bother someone else every once in a while, which I find bizarre) – I mean, it’s basically like being in socks while he’s in shoes.

      But really: it doesn’t matter. Wear what you want to! You’re marrying someone who is fabulous enough that the height difference doesn’t matter beans! This is only a possible “adjustment” option if you do find yourself mentally spinning in circles around the issue.

  144. Bev says...

    I am 5’ nothing and once shot a guy down to date because he was 6’4” and “we’d look so awkward walking down the street!”Jokes on me ( karma!) because I ended up marrying a guy who is 6’ 6” and we honestly forget the height difference until we see pics of us together and then we get a laugh.
    But it has its own charm.

  145. Steph says...

    I’ve always been fascinated by this! As someone who’s 5’3″, I’ve never really had to think about dating someone shorter than me. I’d like to think it wouldn’t matter at all! Of course my boyfriend is 6’4″ and I HAVE noticed some taller girls giving me looks, like WHY would you have to take one of the tall ones? Sorry not sorry :)

    • Elizabeth says...

      Years ago, a friend (5’6″) was dating a very tall man (6’4″) and his sister (6’1″) made some comment about my friend taking one of the tall men out of the dating pool and how unfair that was, as my friend could have dated someone of “regular” height.

      It was super awkward, partly because of the assumptions about societal expectations. But even more so: did the sister want to date her brother? I never quite figured that part out.

    • Nikki says...

      THIS! I’m 5”1 and dating a guy who is 6”2 and a marine. He’s in incredible shape. I’m in great shape but it’s not as noticeable in clothes- where he looks amazing in everything. Anyway when we go out I get terrible looks from talks girls or very in shape girls…. even my boyfriend notices. He always says that with my red hair and loud voice I’m practically 6 feet. I wish girls lifted each other up, check out my boyfriend and wink at me not check out my boyfriend and glare at me. It’s hard enough out here haha

  146. Oh, I love this post! I’m 5’10” and my hubbie is 6’2″, and I have to admit our first hug was so lovely in part because I could snuggle into him in a certain way. But it might also just be that he was the one — I’ve dated guys who are 6’8″ and 5’6″ (and I met the guy who was 5’6″ while I was wearing 3 inch heels) and hugging them never felt as good as hugging my husband. … It’s interesting how these couples all seem to be more or less the same body-size in terms of weight. I’m fat, and that’s another thing society doesn’t like women to be. So I have a kind of double whammy — really tall, really not-small — and when I was younger I was always trying to diet and become thin, in part because I wanted to be smaller than any guy I dated.

    • Nina says...

      Yes, this. I’m short 5’3″ so I never anticipated dating a guy shorter than me. I’ve had a few hit on me and usually add in they are skinny which I am not and its a no go. I mean I won’t want to ever feel like I’m crushing someone in bed (or just hugging them for that matter). My Dad is 5′ 10″ and I’ve dated guys that tall or taller. Now, I’d never say NO WAY EVER but…I don’t know if I could feel comfortable. It would be lovely to not have that even matter/cross my mind. My favorite was 6’4″ just because it made me feel little and I should probably explore why I want to feel that way but I liked it.

  147. Marta says...

    My husband is a few inches shorter than me (I’m 5’10). I always thought it was sexy that he had no hangups about it. And why would I limit my options due to height/weight/appearance in general?

  148. Krate says...

    I dated a guy who was probably 5’3” (I’m 5’7”) and even though it wasn’t a love connection, I couldn’t imagine not giving someone a shot for that a reason. What if he was my perfect match?. I ended up with a man who is very very tall and it’s nice, but that’s not why I married him. Although I was open in dating, I’ll admit it is nice not to be taller, particularly as a not-small woman who doesn’t want to appear large. So I do wonder about that. Gender dynamics baggage is the worst. Because of society.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      “Gender dynamics baggage is the worst. Because of society.” = so true. women are generally taught that they should be tinier/younger/more demure/quieter, etc than the people they date. it gets ingrained in you your whole life and it’s hard to shrug off.

  149. Audrey says...

    Love this! It definitely shouldn’t matter. Although I’ve never personal experienced this b/c I’m 5’0 and have yet to meet/date a man shorter than me :)

  150. jlw says...

    I love the variety and inclusivity in this post! So much fun!

    • CS says...

      Me too! I caught myself when I realized that I hadn’t expected it to be so inclusive, and then I was like, but of course! Thanks, COJ.