Motherhood

Pop Quiz: Parenting in 10 Words or Less

Toby and Anton

Early this morning, my friend Gemma texted a couple friends of ours. “I am thinking of writing a poem about life with small boys,” she wrote. “It is titled, There Are Trucks in My Toilet.”

I laughed and wrote mine back: “Just Going to Close My Eyes for One Quick Sec, But I’m Still Playing.”

My friend, who was getting ready this morning with her husband and baby, wrote: “Mine would be, Everyone Here Wants to Touch My Boobs. Subtitle: For different reasons, but kind of all the same reason.”

Toby and Anton

The whole exchange made me laugh out loud.

What would yours be? What would be the title of your life poem right now?

P.S. The crazy things you do as a parent, and my motherhood mantra.

(Photos of Toby and Anton.)

  1. Erin says...

    Only a COJ comment thread can make me both laugh and cry. These are all so good. Mine currently is: “What percentage of my outfit needs to be covered in spit up to necessitate an outfit change?” and “How did spit up get THERE??”. The boob one also resonates with me.

    Mother of a 4-month old.

  2. Audrey says...

    I am LOVING everyone’s ability to find humor in parenting, but if I’m being completely honest, these comments are scaring me! As someone who has been unsure about whether or not or when to have children, details like these make me want to run the other way.

    • Carrie says...

      I’m with you, girl.

    • Tai says...

      Audrey, we could easily write some crazy things like this for any relationship–significant other, friend, coworker. Having kids has similarities to other relationships in that the other person has good and bad points, and we love them anyway. Whatever you decide will the right choice. Always follow your heart. Always.

    • Em says...

      It’s funny, because for me it’s actually making me feel ready, for the first time!! Incredibly funny, and heartwarming, comments.

    • Alex says...

      It’s only because we could write “How easily I love someone and could give everything for them” that we are able to laugh at the “Why is why the only question you know” moments :-)

    • B says...

      I think of having kids as changing into a whole new person. That has been my experience, anyway, for the most part. I honestly believe my brain is different now. Fortunately, I felt I did everything childfree that I wanted to do, and for me it has been a wonderful, breathtaking, exhilarating ride, but I was honestly unprepared for how much I would change.

  3. Erin says...

    I recently found myself saying, “Don’t jump on my back while I’m cleaning your pee!” The life of a mom of a very active 3-year-old (with very bad toilet aim).

    • Alex says...

      Make him clean it himself ;-) That’s what I did to at least give some ownership.

  4. Will we ever make it out of the house?: a story of child-rearing and time management

  5. Jessica says...

    Currently mine would be:
    Are We Sure Three Kids Under Three Was A Good Idea? A poem of exhaustion.

    • B says...

      Haha! That was definitely a brave move. Good luck!

  6. Tracy says...

    I never knew real fear until I had to clip your nails: A story of parenting with courage

    • Caitlin says...

      We use the Little Martin’s Nail File Trimmer and it is amazing! My son thinks it’s hilarious (he’s 5 months and it is actually one of the first things that made him laugh). It’s about $30 on Amazon and 1000% worth it. It also comes with different attachments for older kids and even adults.

  7. Brooke says...

    stop telling otto “that’s daddy’s.” he now believes his father owns his pajamas, the cat, and lately, my bra.

    • Erin says...

      LOL!

  8. Chantelle says...

    Mine would be, why is this wet?” :-) Every day, ALL THE TIME!

  9. Sania says...

    Hello, lone Pokémon card/LEGO/coloring pencil/barrette/playing card/sticker where are your brothers and sisters? Why are you stranded alone on the floor?

  10. Jaclyn says...

    Chocolate or poop? Chocolate or poop? One of motherhood’s most exciting questions.

    • Caitlin says...

      Hahaha – my husband and I often find us playing the cousin to this: Is that pee or spit up?

  11. Sandra says...

    The art of hiding my laughter… (“Yes I know I laughed, but it’s not ok for you to do that.. No, it’s not funny.. I´m smiling about something I remembered.”)

    There are a lot of things that my four year old says or does that make me laugh and I’m the worst at hiding it . Keeping a straight face when I want to explain things or situations to him have become a true challenge. Like telling him he shouldn’t say in such a LOUD tone, in the middle of church, that he is sure that that old lady’s purple hair tastes like cotton candy, and no, he´s definitely not allowed to lick it.

  12. Ashley says...

    We did this EXACT thing yesterday and you loved it, but today you hate it?

  13. Chelsey says...

    Trying not to make any sudden movements or noises. It will break the spell.

    – mama of two quietly reading children (what?!)

  14. Emily says...

    WHY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING???

    (Mom of 4)

    • Michelle says...

      Haha!!

  15. Nina says...

    I hope my expression shows interest in your (boring to me) video game because I want to keep you talking to me about everything even when I’m not interested. (Too long?)

  16. Sarah says...

    Flushing The Toilet Myself, And Other Mistakes I’ve Learned To Avoid

    • Ashley F. says...

      OMG, yes!!! My little loves to help me do this too.

    • B says...

      ha!

  17. Jill says...

    Lego. Lego. Lego EVERYWHERE

  18. Elizabeth Davis says...

    9,7,4,10 months: You are my favorite
    You are my favorite, child of mine. From the tips of your toes to the shine in your eye. You are wanted and loved, more than heaven and earth, but I’ll kick your ass if you throw anymore dirt!

  19. Margaret says...

    That’s not for eating

  20. Sarah says...

    What!? You can’t be up again? I just fed, changed, swaddled, shushed, and rocked you to sleep.
    -mama to a 5 week old.

    • Bee says...

      Yes!!!

  21. Kyle says...

    My penis is wiggly: the bodily happenings of a two year old

    Heaven: the unattainable dual nap

    Mother of two (2.5 boy, 5 month girl)

    When I was a preschool teacher:
    We don’t wipe our noses with poopy underwear.

  22. CJ says...

    You Just Had {{fill in the blank}} So Why Are You Acting Like This?

    Word bank:
    breakfast/dinner/snack/time on the potty/a nap/a hug/a kiss/a snuggle/a change of pants/a new toy/outside time/play time/a nose wipe/a bath/Paw Patrol fruit snacks

    To my three year old. Errrrr. Day.

  23. Anna says...

    No, I don’t know where your shoe is

    • B says...

      Weirdly, mine always knows not only where her shoes are but where mine are, too. And has a keen (too keen) sense for when something (toy, shoe, book, button off her homemade puppet) is “MISSING!”

  24. Becky says...

    Those are not your boobies. You can touch your own but not hers.
    (Life as a nanny to twin boys who want to touch everyone’s boobs because their mother is breast feeding an infant)

  25. Dana says...

    Ok, we wear tiaras to the grocery store now

    or

    No honey, you can’t eat the soup with your hands

  26. Dana says...

    Pause before you chew, your child might want that noodle back.

    • CJ says...

      Hahahaaa! YES!!!

    • Florencia says...

      Haha! So true.

    • Julia says...

      So true!

    • B says...

      This is when I say, with great glee, “I ate it alllllll.” And we laugh.

  27. Wear seatbelts and sunscreen, never try heroin: mom’s best advice

  28. Julia says...

    We once used a car for driving. Now we use a litter box with vehicles.

  29. Stop
    Talking.
    To me so I can finally
    poop.

    (Sliding notes under the door counts as talking.)

    • B says...

      I hear you.

  30. Rebeccah says...

    one, two, three. I said no licking!
    STOP. LICKING. YOUR. BROTHER’S. EARS!!!!

    Please can you publish these? I haven’t had a belly desk laugh like this in a long time!

  31. Other poems:

    You Can Play With It As Much As You Like In Privacy

    I Don’t Care If He Hit You First

    That’s The Best Lego Invention I’ve Ever Seen, Ever

    • Julia says...

      I love those!

    • Emma says...

      HAHAHAA! ALL OF THESE.

  32. Jenna says...

    “Has everyone in my family pooped today?”

    Thoughts of mine while laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep.

    • Jessica says...

      Yes. So much yes. *dying laughing*

  33. Beth says...

    I Found Poop in the Air Vent
    or
    Why is This Sticky?

  34. Katy says...

    Mine would be: Would you like it if I did that to you?

    Mom of two boys – 2.5 and 4.5.

    But this one has started to come back to me from my oldest – Mom, would you like it if I did that to YOU!?!? (after wiping his nose without asking).

    Nope, I would not. Damn.

  35. Thao says...

    Title: “Do you want to build a snowman?”
    Subtitle: And other existential questions

    • Tori Allen says...

      For some reason, my 2.5 year old son picks just one random line from all his fave Disney movies to repeat again and again. Current faves are “For the first time in forever” and “Then somebody bends” from Frozen and Beauty and the Beast respectively.

  36. Arielle Parker-Trout says...

    “Please be reasonable, this is all about what’s best for you!” I say to my nine month old as he crawls naked away from me, furiously refusing to be diapered.

  37. Marcy says...

    We do not have time to wait for you to find your other Wonder Woman armband.

  38. Heidi says...

    Pokemon card, sandwich cookie parts, hair dye wall art. Things I wish I had left there.

  39. Elizabeth says...

    A Tale of Permanent Drunk House Guests Who Need a Snack or Drink Every Five Minutes.

    • CJ says...

      Heheheeee so much this.

    • Bee says...

      Best description ever. I just started calling my nearly 5 months old the “rowdy drunk” after she has milk as she is so happy but also enjoys yelling randomly yelling out and wobbling around.

  40. Samantha says...

    “Put your pants back on.” (To my three your old son)

  41. B says...

    Raising and loving an autistic son – who will you be?

    • Jessica says...

      Love.

    • Lauren T Paull says...

      Biggest hug for you! We are at the beginning of our journey.

    • B says...

      I would read this poem :)

  42. CARRIE U.K. says...

    Would you like to eat dinner in the bath?

    Life with a strongly willed toddler…apparently water soaked fish fingers taste so much better…

  43. Leigh says...

    Mine would be ” What the f*ç% are papa’s slippers doing underneath my pillow” (So two weeks ago my head was uncomfortably high and pillow hard and it took me 45 minutes to realize my partner’s dusty dirty old leather house slippers had been jammed under my pillow by one or both of my kids : )

    It may have been 1 April.
    xx

  44. Nicole says...

    Life With Bipolar Brothers: Let’s Play, He’s Touching Me, You’re My Best Friend, You’re Not My Friend Anymore, I Won, I’m Not Playing, Want Some, He Touched My Food…

    Me: MOB Club, 9yrs and 5yrs old

  45. Jillian says...

    Pretending to be miffed that Siri now calls me “Poopy Pants”, when I actually think she’s a comic genius.

  46. Maria says...

    Best. Post. Ever.
    ‪Life with a 9 month old girl: sleep in the breast and don’t give Mom a rest. ‬

  47. Jennifer says...

    “Why is your brother on a leash?”

  48. Dana says...

    First they’re sour, then they’re sweet. Oh wait, i think thats been taken already.

    Also, i totally second the everyone wants my boobs here.

  49. Dee says...

    Mine last night was “LETS PLAY UNO!” after being asked if I could pls play hide and seek ?

  50. Marta says...

    Stop.You have your own toy.

  51. Annika says...

    Please put your shoes on.
    PLEASE put your shoes on.
    Please PUT your shoes on.
    Please put YOUR shoes on.
    Please put your SHOES on.
    Please put your shoes ON.
    Ok, fine just put them on in the car.

    • Cate says...

      Yes! This! Everyday! Like it’s a new requirement to wear shoes (mines 5). ?

    • Brittany says...

      Hahaha! This is so spot on. I love it (but also very much loathe the shoe struggle IRL).

  52. Geri Lovain says...

    “No , your easy- bake -oven does not make the cut for a bath-time toy”

    • B says...

      Haha. Mine always wants to bring stuffed animals.

  53. Shira says...

    Do not lick the bus stop walls! And other things I never thought I’d utter.

    Also, parenting is when on your morning “off” you are so excited to go to the bathroom by yourself (aka without beloved 2 year old standing RIGHTTHERE in front of you) & to finish a cup of coffee while it’s still hot. Note: I just managed this for the first time in, well, 2 years. :)

  54. Taylor says...

    “No we do not pee in the washing machine” adventures in potty training.

    Mom to 4.5, 2.5, 1yo.

    4.5 and 2.5yo boys up in their respective rooms for ‘quiet time’ also known as Mom and Dad need a break time. They share a jack and Jill bathroom. Oldest decides he doesn’t want little brother coming into his bedroom and locks the bathroom door. Now little brother is locked in his room. Where he shits his pants, and then attempts to clean it up by rubbing it into the rug ?

    Also- why are they so obsessed with their penis! Seriously! Watching Curious George, time to put ones hand in their pants.

  55. KM3 says...

    No, you can’t eat ham in bed. Actually, go ahead – and other compromises

    • B says...

      “And other compromises.” Perfection.

  56. Christy says...

    “Why is this wet?” and other questions I don’t want to know the answer to.

    Mom of a 2 month old

  57. ellen says...

    here is another one that really got me recently
    “you know my mom, she is from the 1900’s”
    ouch!

    • Meg says...

      I love telling kids that I was born “in the last century.” Sounds so antique!

  58. ellen says...

    thanks for calling just to say hi, no money needed
    mom to a teen and a new college grad-

  59. Sara says...

    Confessions of a Costco Shopping Cart: Big Box of Diapers; Bigger Bottle of Vodka: Rotisserie Chicken.

    • B says...

      Dude. You know it.

  60. Teresa N Breon says...

    Me to my 5yr old.; stop biting your toe nails, seriously. Please stop.

  61. Teresa N Breon says...

    Mine would be: No, I’m not going to prove I don’t have a Weiner.

    • mwis says...

      LOL!!!!

  62. Beooke says...

    The face of pure wonderment upon discovering pizza flavored Pringles.

  63. Ashley F. says...

    You’ll always be sticky and other things no one tells you

    – Mom of a 19 month old and a Montessori teacher to 23

  64. Tina says...

    Who needs Google when there’s a person right here I can ask…Mom?!

    • Nina says...

      Haha yes. I also remind my son constantly “I don’t know what’s going to happen, this is my first time seeing it, too.” Of course sometime soon even the knowledge I have will be despised so I should relish this.

  65. Lee Ann says...

    “Is It Still Called Sleeping When You’re Waking Every 45 Minutes?”

    4-month sleep regression victim here! :)

  66. Nickeya C. says...

    It would be, “Ask me again; What’s the question?”

  67. Sarah says...

    But I literally just fed you.

    mama to 6, 4, & 2

  68. Lois says...

    Why everything had to end with a why. (Because I have 3.5 year old)

  69. Lauren says...

    Is that smell coming from you?

    • CJ says...

      Laughed out loud at this one!

  70. Tiffany says...

    Parent to 13 month old.., This, always: “Why is this Wet?”

  71. Bernie says...

    Life with a toddler is this:

    NO I DO THAT, HELP ME PLEASE, NO I DO THAT

  72. Melanie says...

    1. What is mashed into your hair? Probably avocado.
    2. Keep your socks on. It’s cold you need socks.

  73. Lily says...

    An Audience for the Toilet
    (life with a 1- and 2-year-old)

    • B says...

      Simple, evocative. A plus.

  74. Paige says...

    whose booger is this, and how long has it been there?

    Mom of 2, preschool teacher to 8 2-year olds.

  75. Michelle says...

    It was magical and unforgettable, promptly replaced and forgotten.

    • Meg says...

      Haha, absolutely.

  76. joanna says...

    I need 5 minutes of peace.

  77. Rebecca B. says...

    “Yes
    I will eat my lunch
    In the bathroom
    So we can experience
    Your glow sticks
    And You
    In full glory.”

    • jinna says...

      Oh my heart!

  78. Jenny says...

    Grandma “so many toys ” Me “I wonder who bought them?”

    • Neen says...

      Yes!!

    • B says...

      Grandmas are the worst :)

  79. Amanda says...

    That is not bugs in the bath water, just dirt.

  80. Leah Serio says...

    Mine: Don’t touch that.. That’s not yours

  81. Colleen S says...

    I don’t have kids, but right now mine is: Anxiety Over Getting New Neighbors is Messing With My Mind.

    • B says...

      Have been there, my friend. Good wishes.

  82. Kara Castellanos says...

    Mom, I just kissed an ant!

  83. Ashley says...

    To woman telling me my baby’s bodily fluids are on my sweater: Is it clear? Eh, we good!

  84. Addie says...

    My three boys:a story of penis’s and poop

    • Nicole says...

      Don’t forget farts & burps, LOOL! 2 Boys 9yr & 5yr.

  85. Britny says...

    Life with a kindergartener:

    please don’t bring anything to the after school program: teacher found a pair of scissors, play handcuffs and cars ?‍♀️

    Please don’t lick the window in the cab. It’s disgusting

    Please stop trying to open the door when I’m in the bathroom and stop asking me what I’m doing in here

  86. Kel says...

    I’ll Be in the Parking Lot While You Live Your Life–the story of raising teenagers

    • Kim says...

      You nailed it.

    • Em says...

      Hahaha, love :-)

  87. Emma says...

    Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.
    I’m just as tired as I was when my kids were little…it’s just such a different tired.

  88. Avigail says...

    A how to guide: A broom isn’t an appropriate tool to clean your newborn sisters face with.

    A Murder mystery: Strangers don’t like when you stick your head under the stall to watch them pee.

    Memoir: Dear poison control… no, yea, no, I don’t know, maybe just a mouthful of hand sanitizer.

    home decor DIY book: Our house isn’t your public garbage bin.

    Science book: Is that chocolate or is that poop? (Smells, touches, or licks to find out)

    Cookbook: how to use chocolate 5 ways to create an over the top brunch

  89. Lisa says...

    From a mom of 3 grown sons:
    “It Was Over Far Too Soon.”

    • Maiz says...

      Awww… (sniff!) -From a mom of three growing sons

  90. Amanda says...

    Between Two Boobs: A Maternity Leave Story

  91. Kathy L Walker says...

    My 3 boys clean the house just because- Dream on…Dream on.

  92. Flora says...

    Two titles courtesy of my 15-month-old son:

    Everything Bounces If You Throw It Hard Enough: A Primer in Toddler Physics

    Did You Say Food or Poop?: The Importance of Consonants

    • B says...

      Food or poop – ha ha!

  93. Midge says...

    “Deodorant and Tinker Toys: Lives in Transition”

    My kids are 10 and 12.

  94. Tristen says...

    Mom Attempts to Fix a ‘Broken’ Banana with a Toothpick: A Tragedy in Three Acts

    • Maiz says...

      HAHAHA!!!

    • Neen says...

      LOL.

    • B says...

      Dying. So funny to this toddler mama.

    • Caroline says...

      I have done this exact same thing!

  95. ceciel says...

    8pm: table strewn with peanut butter crusts, markers and Legos. (I could go on…papers, stapler, kidmade Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask, empty sticky bowl, one doll slipper) but you said 10 words ;) (also, tomorrow night’s poem could be 10pm: what’s under the table?)

  96. Paige says...

    As the mom of an 8-week old:

    “How are you awake again?! I’m so tired!”

  97. t says...

    Dr., I know I’ve asked before are you sure my toddler isn’t a sociopath?

  98. Francesca says...

    A few that have come to mind while learning who this little person (my 19-month old son) really is:

    “Ooops, I crapped my pants – again!” (I know we just went down the stairs and you strapped me into my carseat (it wasn’t that hard was it? I only kicked and struggled a bit) AND I’m wearing a billion layers of clothes since it’s 1 degree today but it looks like you’ll have to do something about it unless… unless, you don’t mind the smell. I kinda like it, but you’re the boss when it comes to poop).

    “Where is Bah-bah??!?!! Who are you again?” (I don’t exist after 4 pm; it’s all ears and eyes on the front door for “BAH-BAH!!!!” (his name for Daddy).

    “Did you say GRAPES?! (spitting out my lunch now to eat some grapes since I think I just heard you say that word; Oh wait, did you say “gate?” It doesn’t matter, I’ve gotten most of my lunch spat out onto this book here now so I have tons of room for those grapes I’m 99% sure you mentioned and therefore will shortly present for me to eat).

  99. Lindsey says...

    Is that poop or chocolate?

    Mama is not a napkin.

    Don’t poke your brother’s penis.

    We never knew how good we had it (before kids) or how good it could be (after kids).

    (2 boys, 4 & almost 3)

  100. Gitty says...

    Mother of two boys (2.5 years and 5 weeks) here. “Milk and Pish; Squishes and Kisses” My baby nurses a whole day and pishes thru every diaper, both my sons are as squishable and kissable as could be.

  101. Josefine says...

    “I now know more than I ever wanted to know about bulldozers, combine harvesters, excavators, and something called a track paver.”

  102. Nessa Bixler says...

    I don’t know when I last showered buy I know when my two youngest pooped… Down to the hour.

  103. Vicki says...

    I guess I’ll never pee alone or my toddler now knows how to open doors.

  104. First Time Mommy says...

    My 4 month old needs baby anger management, otherwise it’ll be boot camp by 5 years old.

  105. Emily says...

    “You can’t swing your legs all willy-nilly while your sister’s sniffing your toes” (actual quote from my husband)

    • Kimberley says...

      LOL! hehehehehee

  106. Claire says...

    “OMG I said DO NOT EAT THE ROCKS”
    or dirt
    or “shells”
    or dirt
    or dirt
    or chalk
    or THE ROCKS STOP EATING THE ROCKS

  107. Claire says...

    “I guess I’ll shower tomorrow”

    • B says...

      Would buy this book. Tell it.

  108. Lauren says...

    “i have to pump now” and other awkward work conversations brought to you by pregnancy

    • B says...

      I just died inside remembering those talks,

  109. Kristen says...

    Mommies don’t have Penises and other potty training observations from the mind of a 2 year old boy

  110. Mother of 6: What it feels like to never go to the bathroom alone, a true story.

  111. Caroline says...

    You’re brother doesn’t like it when you sit on his head.

  112. Abbie Nelson says...

    Life with 3 girls ages 3, 6 and 9: My roommates have mental health problems.

  113. maia says...

    Surviving to rape is
    Having the privilege,
    To choose yourself your side:
    Pile : you speak,
    They kill you by deny.
    Heads : you shut up,
    And keep dying inside.

    Sorry for this not parented-related nor funny poem, but that’s what I’ve talked about with a friend tonight.
    We actually laughed and cried and I feel pretty good on a day to day basis, but that’s also what’s been in my heart lately.

    • Shira says...

      Hey there,
      Just sending a big hug and support. I haven’t been there, but I’ve been there – we all have. Keep hugging yourself, and let others do so as well.

    • Paula says...

      Thank you for sharing this, Maia. Sending love and support. <3

    • maia says...

      Thank you so much Laura and Shira! It really means a lot to me and encourages me to find a kindly place to share about this and feel as much understood.
      Hugs from the other side of the world! (I’m Belgian)

  114. Hallie says...

    For today it would have to be:
    “Do we now understand why we don’t pick each other’s noses?”

    • Sara says...

      HAHAHAHA

  115. Becky says...

    “Let’s see how long we can all go without talking!” :D

  116. Laura says...

    Deescalating Meltdowns & Discreatly Peeling Kids off the Floor at Target: A Manifesto.

  117. Lyndsy A says...

    For my 4 year old:
    “Please don’t ride the dog like a horse. Nope, not your brother either.”

    For my 11 month old:
    “Please stop playing with the toilet bowl water.”

    Sigh ? but I absolutely love this post!

  118. Ash says...

    “Was that the baby or the dog?”

    An ode to an infant with particularly terrible farts

  119. Katherine says...

    The china press is not R2D2. You better not fight it!

  120. Ragon says...

    Not EVERY joke has to be a fart joke to be funny.

  121. Meagan says...

    The season of spit up and other people’s bowl movements.

    Mama to an almost 2 year old and an almost 2 month old.

  122. Jo says...

    I licked it so it’s mine now!

    • Amanda says...

      Yes! Saturday at a restaurant with my 3 year old:
      Me: What are you doing?
      3YO: Licking my fruit…so you can’t eat it.

  123. Emmie says...

    “Oh, that’s banana on my jacket”

    -Everyday when I get to work and look down

  124. Sarah says...

    Public bathroom: Please don’t open the door when mommy’s on the toilet!

    Love these BTW. I would “like” several of them!

    • Katy says...

      Yes! Going to the bathroom in a public bathroom with my sons with me in the stall is so nerve racking. I’m hovering over the toilet but in a track start stance in case I need to dive to close the door. They just stare at me with their hands on the unlock waiting until I stand up.

    • B says...

      I am trying to pee going, “Don’t touch anything! Don’t touch anything!”

  125. Tai says...

    “Please don’t put lotion on the vacuum.
    My 3-year-old doesn’t like my attitude, but he says, “Don’t wike you aaaaaa-tude, Mommy.”
    The background photo on my phone is a picture of the toilet and I don’t know how to change it.

    • ???

  126. Lindsay says...

    I wanted a taco and you gave me a quesadilla, among other tragedies.

    • Veronica says...

      Lol

    • Shira says...

      ^ laughing so hard right now – this is one of my faves, and my life right now.

    • Sara says...

      Haha!

    • Teresa says...

      And some days …

      I wanted a taco and you gave me a taco, among other tragedies.

      ?

  127. Life with a 1yo and almost-3yo:

    DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING and other adventures from public restrooms.

    And…

    What happened? Why is she crying?

    P.S. 2 year olds always find the most germ-ridden thing in a public restroom and manage to touch it. ALWAYS.

    P.P.S. How long is the “why” phase? Is it forever? It feels like forever.

    • Vicki says...

      Forever. Also, why do you they ask why about something they did or said? I don’t know. You tell me why!

  128. Once at the dinner table I was trying to tell my daughter not to chew with her mouth open, and not to talk with her mouth full, but it got mixed up…

    “Don’t talk with your mouth open!”

    And Other Muddled Wisdom

  129. Jess says...

    Please keep your penis put away while you’re in the living room.
    And:
    There will be no parenting awards granted here today.

  130. Erin says...

    “Rocks in My Dryer” would be one. But then I also have an edgier poem trilogy…
    “Who Farted?” Followed by
    “Who Farted This Time?”
    And the surprising third installment, “Why Is There Poop on This?”

    • Sara says...

      Hahaha! Totally identify with rocks in my dryer. And acorns. And sooo much sand.

  131. Suzanne says...

    My poem title would be: “My Oldest Is Leaving for College, and So Everything Makes Me Cry.”

  132. Laurel says...

    “We Don’t Lick the Windows At Our House”

    –> Not sure at whose house you *do* lick the windows, but that’s not the point.

  133. Kristin says...

    Fuck, I forgot my kids can spell now

    • Danielle Snyder says...

      Hahahaha brilliant!

  134. Jen says...

    The Toilet Door is Always Open: tales of toddlers

  135. Elizabeth says...

    Cooking for kids, Chapter 1- “toast, not toasted with butter”

    • Emmie says...

      lol

    • Charity says...

      Mine asked for “cold toast” for a long time, which meant a piece of bread straight out of the freezer. Haha.

    • I also know this poem!!

  136. Isabelle says...

    My friend says this about parenting: 80 per cent chores, 20 per cent magic. Pretty accurate I think!

    • B says...

      Maybe I am in the honeymoon phase (but terrible twos aren’t supposed to be the best) but I would say the magic is more like 60-70%. I can’t even keep track of all the cute things said!

  137. L says...

    Will I Ever Read the Sunday New York Times Again: An Open-Ended Question

    • Tristen says...

      Ha! Sequel: Will I Ever Drink Hot Coffee on the Weekend Again?

  138. Daria says...

    Haha! Mine would be « I go to the office to rest »! 21 months old – how do you people have more than one kid? A friend with an only child told me yesterday « my sister has been infuriated ever since she had her second daughter » (she’s now 6).

    • Maria says...

      I have a 9 month old girl and I ask how people have more than one kid since day one. ?

  139. Laura says...

    I have a tracking device in my uterus; or “Nothing is ever lost unless mom can’t find it”.

  140. Lydia says...

    Music teacher here… 8.45am class today, 2nd grade

    I just finished explaining what we will do next.
    Student: Can we do this fun thing we did last year, about the bird?
    Me: I have no idea what you mean.
    Student trying to explain, I cut him off…
    Me: If you have requests please write me a little note and I will try to put it into next week’s class.
    Student: Can I have some paper and a pen?
    Me: No not NOW!

    5 min later…
    Me: No more comments for now, let’s start playing
    Student: Miss Lydia?
    Me: YES?
    Student: Can I say something?
    Me: Is it a question or a comment?
    Student: A question.
    Me: Ok, go ahead.
    Student: Soooooo… Uhm… Actually it’s a comment….
    Me: (URGHHHHH)

  141. Sam H. says...

    Taking hot baths and daydreaming about picnics —
    survival tactics for when spring is delayed by a record breaking snowstorm in April.

  142. Claudia says...

    To the almost 13 year old boy:
    Please take a shower. Put on deodorant. Spend 30 seconds on your hair.
    (thinking to herself…maybe, maybe when he starts liking a girl this does not need to be a daily reminder that turns into an argument?)

    • Caroline says...

      I stand with you in solidarity…and Febreeze

      Mom to 13 & 15 yo boys.

    • Clair McLaughlin says...

      Hahahha – I hear you! Mine is please shower and WASH YOUR HAIR AND BODY WITH SOAP! And we’ve been doing this for almost 13 years- why is it STILL a surprise.

  143. Katie says...

    It’s Been 5-Minutes: This and Other Lies you Tell to Get Off the Playground

    • Jorden says...

      Yes to this. I am dreading the day they can tell time. The horror!

    • Nancy says...

      “Where’s It Going?: Oh, The Places That Every Car on the Road Might Go!”

  144. Laura says...

    Your bug catcher is really a mausoleum … and other concerns.

    • jaime says...

      This made me LOL

  145. Kara says...

    Don’t Lick That

  146. Jill says...

    “Kitchen is closed!”

    Mom of 3 very hungry teenagers.

    • Darby says...

      HA! I have a 15 and 10 year old…
      My choice: “A whole chicken is not a snack: how my teenager ate me out of house and home”

    • Alex says...

      Haha! When I finally moved out of home my dad started giving me a $20 note whenever I saw him. The reason: “we save so much money on milk now you’re gone!”

  147. Valerie says...

    “Stop licking the bottom of your feet. Please.”… and other things I never thought I’d have to say.

  148. Alice says...

    Why Was I Not Alive Before I Was Born, and other unanswerable questions.

    What Did You Just Wipe On Me?

    Will Any Of The Three Males I Live With Ever Learn To Aim Their Pee?
    (I think there’s hope for the 2 and 4 year old, the 42 year old less so…)

    I so get the tractor title. Dinosaurs in the washing machine are a regular here. These comments are THE BEST!

  149. Tina, nyc. says...

    “We were together and I’ve forgotten the rest.”

    These words pierced my heart as a 20 year old, heartbroken over my first love, while living abroad.

    Was it Rilke Or Walt whitman? Either way, I found it in a Baci chocolate ball and the words have never left me.

    Now, these words perfectly capture parenting our three beautiful souls.

    • Jessica says...

      This makes my heart soar and break at the same time