Design

Have a Delicious Weekend.

Meatball by Nikole Herriott

What are you up to this weekend? My mom is in town, so we’ve been eating cinnamon oatmeal for breakfast and playing lots of Uno! Hope you have a good one, and here are a few fun links from around the web…

Advice for marriage after kids. Loved #4.

This dog looks like a human!

The best place to break up with someone. (Do you agree?)

How pretty is this work dress?

Seven brilliantly quirky hotels in Amsterdam.

What sweet pajamas!

This title made me laugh.

The unbearable cuteness of maternity overalls.

Mother-in-law salmon looks delicious.

Wow, exercise can be as effective as antidepressants for many cases of depression. (Although antidepressants are THE BEST for people who need them, like myself.)

And, most important: YES and YES.

Plus, two great reader comments:

Says Melinda on Gina’s week of outfits: “My friend once told me something great: she pretends she’s a judge from American Idol when she’s trying on clothes. If something doesn’t fit, she gently says, ‘It’s a no from me,’ and puts it back. I love that the emphasis is on something being not-quite-right with the garment, not your body! I’ve been using this trick for years and it works.”

Says @nevereverfarer on a fun movie night idea: “My husband and I do something similar with cocktails — negronis when watching The Italian Job, whiskey sours for L.A. Confidential, and so on… It’s these tiny details that we will hold close in our memories.”

Have a good one. xoxo

(Photo by Nikole Herriott. Exercise link via Jocelyn Glei.)

  1. Katherine says...

    I just came back here to find the maternity overalls link (searched thru pages of old posts to find it) and saw you updated the depression link and promptly burst into tears. I am pregnant so hormones are besting me right now, but my gosh I love your addition and comment as well. As someone who has anxiety and depression, there’s much to be said for self-care and exercise but for me, when I was depressed, exercising often didn’t give me the “cure” I thought it would, which made my struggle even worse because I couldn’t “fix” myself. I had such a hard time accepting drugs could be the solution, because of the stigma surrounding it and how desperately I wanted to not have to take meds to be normal. But when your brain chemistry isn’t “normal” to begin with, sometimes you need a little help. My dad has BPD and so I’ve known all my life how powerful, helpful, and transformative meds can be, but for some reason it took me a long while to accept that as a solution for myself. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for being transparent about your personal dealings with depression; I appreciate you and the other commenters being so honest and vulnerable with their truths, which in turn empowers me to accept my own.

  2. Perdy Andrews says...

    This might seem superfluous in light of all the other comments, but I NEED to hear more about the cinnamon oatmeal… ;)
    Any chance you could share the recipe?

    xo
    Perdy

  3. Katrina says...

    Joanna, I SO appreciate that small de-stigmatizing line you added about benefitting from anti-depressants. Thanks for sharing about your mental health.

  4. Bailey says...

    low key angry that those adorable pajamas are not for adults. #betrayal

  5. That breakup article is all too relatable! I remember getting broken up with on my couch and that one spot where he sat, fidgeting awkwardly, haunted me for months. Even when I moved the couch to a different place in the room I would still walk by and remember every little detail of that horrible afternoon – the front door closing with a squeaky noise, the sound of his car rumbling away, the sliver of sunlight coming through the afternoon blinds – spotlighting me in that sinking moment. Funny how memories can be triggered!. So yes by all means break up with us on a subway – not our homes! :)

  6. Lars says...

    I loved your Motherhood Around the World series, and I think it would be really neat to do a similar series comparing stories from those in different religions. Like, to hear about traditions and holy days from women who are (for example) Roman Catholic, Orthodox Catholic (such as Greek or Russian), Orthodox Jew, Reform Jew, Hindu, Mormon, Mennonite, Seventh Day Adventist, Muslim, etc etc.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      what a fascinating idea. thank you so much, lars.

  7. I’m 100% on board with the breakup rule. I actually followed it both of the times that I broke up with someone (one of which was my future husband!). When I was broken up with it happened in our shared home, which was terrible but I was such a mess I can’t imagine having been anywhere else. Yes, I was reminded of our breakup there constantly, but also everything else about our relationship so I was going to have to get out no matter what. I ended up leaving the city (we had moved there together) and have never looked back.

  8. katie says...

    Thanks for all of these, as always, the whole round-up rocks.

    A note about the exercise to beat mild to moderate depression thing…please remember this when schools are fighting to keep PE and sports programs funded, especially in light of the (long overdue) conversations about child & adolescent mental health.

    Every year the middle school where I teach fights to keep PE and health classes and/or after-school programs. We already lost school sports (they’re all club, which can sometimes really leave economically disadvantaged kids out).

    Sports saved me in many ways during my schooling. Hurrah for any/every study that helps us help kids stay healthy.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      YES, such a great point, katie. thank you.

  9. Jenna says...

    Bodies are meant to be active, get enough sleep, eat nourishing foods, drink water, and our minds are meant to be social with people who love us. And of course that isn’t the solution to all cases of depression, and not every body has the option of sleep or moving enough or being social, etc. – but it’s a good thing to keep in mind: bodies and minds will backfire if needs aren’t being met.

  10. I absolutely love the marriage advice for people with kids – so brilliant and insightful!

  11. Elizabeth says...

    That exercise article is really wonderful! I find that my exercise directly links to my mental health – I’m more optimistic, even keeled, and happier when I run or ride my bike. Running is SO important to my mental health that when I started having some IT band syndrome while running I put the work in to finding ways to address it because I was so scared I would lose that outlet if I didn’t address it immediately.

    In our healthcare system I feel like this wasn’t valued much and I really had to fight and advocate for this despite study after study showing that preventative medicine is cheaper in the long run. First, I went to my GP and asked for a prescription for Physical therapy, explaining that even though it wasn’t debilitating giving me a script for preventative PT was going to be a long-term solution for my mental health and my physical health.

    Once I got over that hurdle, I then called my insurance company to pre-clear it and find an in-network PT office. They were initially resistant to the idea of paying for non-catastrophic PT, but I told the rep that they’d be saving money in the long run by honoring the GP’s prescription for preventative PT because of the health benefits of exercise. She acquiesced and they covered 60 PT visits for me free and clear because of the conversation we had.

    The third step in this process was finding a sports-specific PT – the first few I looked at were used to issues related to more typical injuries or age and yes…lots of unhealthy lifestyles, not sports related issues so they were not a good fit. One actually told me “You are having trouble running? Why don’t you just walk instead? Why would you want to run when it hurts? Just ice it and stop working out so much” She kind of missed the point of why I was there.

    I did end up finding a clinic that only treats runners and getting PT through them…and within 12 visits I was fine because they had taught me to strengthen the muscles that were causing the IT band issues.

    Anyways…long story short…within our american medical system you REALLY have to advocate for your right to exercise. It’s not set up to encourage that, mental health or not.

  12. Maranda says...

    I have found developing a stable fitness routine has really improved my mental health. Before I started working out regularly I was an anxious mess. I did see a therapist for a time, but felt like it just didn’t work for me and I was very hesitant to go on antidepressants. I was a part of a dance club in college and after graduation I really missed that level of physical activity in my life so I started running and getting into boxing and strength training and now my anxiety feels so much more manageable- it was the outlet that I needed.

  13. Heather says...

    There’s a certain negative stigma around anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety meds, even though they’re incredibly prevalent in our society. My husband’s been on a variety of meds for years. Every so often, he has to re-calibrate and try something new. People don’t get it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told something like , “Well can’t he just TRY to feel better? Mind over matter!” No. Sometimes you need some help, and that is OKAY. I need insulin, but no one gives me a hard time about it.

    • ALI says...

      I loved the article about how important exercise is for mental health. My husband and I are naturally very….. let’s say… ‘slow moving’ as a default. Both of us are prone to mental illness.

      My husband has an amazing GP who prescribed him anti-depressants and made a point of writing another prescription for ‘a walk – morning and night’. It helped when I could say “we have to get up and go for a walk like the doctor prescribed!” Between the two treatments (medication and exercise), he got better so quickly (less than a month). Over a year later we still take our prescribed walks.

  14. While the dumping someone-in-your-own-space sounds like a great idea, it can get ugly (at best) or unsafe (at worst), especially if a woman is dumping a fella. Just saying.

    • katie says...

      I agree with you, Katherine.

      When I was in grad school to become a teacher, we had a lecture on conflict management, specifically with a violent and/or defiant child. Neutral ground is the first place to try to have a conversation; then your space (your classroom); and lastly — their space (by their locker, for example). The thought being: most humans (and nearly all other animals) confronted on their home turf are defensive by nature. Neutral ground could take some of the sting out of an otherwise unpleasant conversation.

      So far, this logic has worked well for me, and I’ve applied it to break-ups, too.

  15. shannon says...

    Thanks for linking to the article on exercise and depression. When we moved to a new state where we didn’t know anyone last year, I found myself having some symptoms of depression (low energy, lack of motivation, feeling sad). Luckily we lived by a wildlife refuge – walking that 5-mile loop a few times each week was just what I needed to get my mood back on track.

    As a counselor, I feel it’s important to note that the article specifies exercise as a recommendation for MILD to MODERATE depression. More severe symptoms (such as inability to get out of bed, serious impairment of day-to-day life, and any thoughts of harming yourself) all qualify depression as more intense than mild or moderate. Exercise as a treatment option has not been researched for those instances.

    Please, if you are feeling depressed, check in with a counselor, therapist, or doctor!! If someone offers treatment options you aren’t interested in, or is completely closed off to certain options (ie, they NEVER recommend medication, or they NEVER recommend therapy or lifestyle changes), get a second opinion. And if you’re interested in some lifestyle or holistic options like starting exercise, just ask.

  16. Heather says...

    I LOVE that dress! Can you find me a similar one (both in style and price) in a plus size?

  17. Like, Thank You

  18. Marta says...

    Just when I thought that I couldn’t love CupofJo more….! Thank you Joanna for sharing that you take antidepressants. Having someone like you be open about antidepressants makes it not that big of a deal (which it of course isn’t).

    I too started taking SSRIs when my son was 3 months due to post partum anxiety. It is the best thing that I ever did – for me, for my son and for my family. Before I started them I was so anxious that I was running 10 km a day to get of my extreme anxiety (with a 3 month old, can you imagine!), I was meditating every time the baby slept. And none of it helped.

    I was SO scared of starting the SSRIs (despite having close friends and a partner who had taken them and gotten better). But luckily my friend convinced me. After three weeks, my panic attacks, my complete lack of sleep, my spiraling thoughts, sank away and I was myself again.

    Antidepressants saved me when I was a new mum and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them. That said, running did help me a lot when I was weaning off of them.

    Thanks again for sharing. I look forward to reading your piece about antidepressants.

  19. Rue says...

    Dated a guy for about a month in January. I figured out the same breakup location, and I felt really good about the decision. In my case he did think we were going on a date when he arrived at my apartment, but I didn’t want him driving 30 minutes in total dread/panic mode. As soon as he walked in the door though I asked if we could talk. We talked, I cried on my own couch, he left, I cried in my own bed, and then I was okay.

  20. Michelle says...

    Thank you, joanna.

  21. Julie says...

    I don’t take meds for depression, but I do for BPD and anxiety. Thank you so much, Joanna, for being open about meds.

  22. Lisa says...

    The depression / exercise article reminded me of this article in the NYTimes After Surgery in Germany, I Wanted Vicodin, Not Herbal Tea that highlighted a less medicalised approach to medicine quite well.
    I’ve just started the process of referrals for treatment etc as I have suspected PND (and what made me think something was up was an episode of Black-ish of all things). I’m trying to monitor when I feel ok and when I don’t, what triggers me feeling down and what helps to make feel better when I’m having a bad day. What helped a lot (like I felt like a different person by the end of the day) was a yoga class. I think it was a combination of things – getting out, spending nice time with my baby, the breathing and weirdly improving my posture. I spend so much time hunched over looking after an infant, standing up straight felt revelatory and very freeing

  23. Merideth says...

    I can’t help but wonder if that article about parenting as a noun vs a verb these days has something to do with all the comments about depression/anxiety/ppd/PPA/ppocd, etc that have popped up. I, too, have taken an antidepressant for PPA (found greater healing through homeopathy, but medication was a great bridge) and I believe we face/have had heaped upon us great pressure as parents while at the same time not being taught/given(ing) value to networks of support/idealizing individuality. That was a lot, but basically, we have a lot of pressure from all sides and we have lost most of our support networks through our chosen lifestyles (which is encouraged through our culture).

  24. Emily says...

    I wish I had HBO so I could watch Room 104. I love everything The Duplass brothers are involved in, so I’m sure it is good. Speaking of The D brothers….have you been watching Wild Wild Country on Netflix? A documentary series produced by The D brothers. Mind blowing cringe and binge worthy!!

    • Andrea says...

      You can buy it on Amazon. I’m glad I bought only one episode. It was too scary to finish.

  25. Alison Hunter says...

    Thank you Joanna for posting about taking anti-depressants. I also take anti-depressants and credit them with enabling me to actually enjoy my life rather than expending all my energy trying to beat crippling anxiety. I have loved your blog for several years now and it has made my day to read your brave and honest post. Thank you so much x

  26. Cate says...

    Thanks for openly talking about taking antidepressants. It helps me feel less self conscious about taking them.

    Exercise is helpful for me, but there have been times when I went for a run and I end up crying by the end. I needed some extra help.

    I think that antidepressants lifted my lowest points just enough to make them manageable. Just enough so that the things I used to do to cheer myself up (like exercising, spending time with friends, etc. ) started doing the trick again.

  27. Erin says...

    Growing up, when my mom took us shopping and we were in ever-changing bodies, she would say to my sister and me: “You’re cuter than the dress.” It took away the awkwardness of acknowledging that I couldn’t fill out the top, or that my mid-section was too thick for the size that fit me everywhere else. You can’t feel bad about yourself if its the clothing’s fault!

    • Celeste says...

      Using. Thanks.

    • Jessica S says...

      What a great thing to say– I am going to use this with my own daughter.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      i love that, erin :)

  28. Ana O says...

    My psychiatrist prescribed both! She started me on welbutrin, but also said I would see effects faster if I excercised every day…. I did, and the combination was truly magical. I have stopped both now, but trying to get back to prioritizing excercise as feel the anxiety creeping up again…

  29. Andrea says...

    I love Esther Perel’s point about child activities and adult activities. It’s ridiculous to me that whole families choose to give their weeknights and weekends to watching sport practices and meets.

  30. susieq says...

    Thanks for openly supporting antidepressants! They allow me to be an active, engaged mom who is consistently up for pillow forts and trips to the park.

    I was opposed to taking medicine initially. My therapist pointed me to studies showing that untreated maternal depression harms the cognitive development of young children (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2724169/). This hit me in the gut. I thought I was hiding my depression from my daughter, but it turns out that is basically impossible. I started my medicine immediately and it has been tremendously effective.

  31. Laura says...

    How awesome of you to describe the exercise-for-depression article the way you did. From someone who knows she needs them and is reluctant to take them, that moves (and helps!) me.

  32. j.fizz says...

    Always break up with a person at their house. They can fall to pieces in the comfort of their own home. You can leave when you’re ready, hopefully in full possession of your stuff. If you break up with them at your own house, you can’t leave. The person who’s been emotionally hurt gets to hold you and your house hostage–and then you still have to arrange to get your stuff.

  33. Morgan says...

    I had a slightly different take away from the exercise/antidepressant article. I was so surprised to read that the average American takes ~4,500 steps a day. I’m a person who walks everywhere and I’m on my feet at work all day, so I was SO sure I took more, but I checked the app on my phone that tells me how many steps I take per day, and yep! there I was, averaging about 4,500! For someone who has low energy/moods and probably slight depression, I can see how if I moved more intentionally, taking even 30 extra minutes a day to power walk around my neighborhood, or swim laps at my school a few times a week, I would probably benefit physically AND mentally, possibly even enough to clear away the low levels of depression I have. But even the article mentioned that for people with medium to severe depression, exercise alone won’t be able to do what a good antidepressant can, for sure!
    Thanks, as always, Cup of Jo team for being thoughtful and compassionate! These weekend round-up posts never fail to inspire me and give me something to think about!

  34. Anne says...

    Can I just say I love this sentence “Wow, exercise can be as effective as antidepressants for many cases of depression. (Although antidepressants are THE BEST for people who need them, like myself.)”
    I think talking about exercise helping is important but with decreasing the importance of medication for some. Thanks for hitting that point perfectly.

  35. It took some time before I can accept that I need anti depressants and anti anxiety pills. I have the stigma towards them even when they make me feel better. I am better in accepting them now. I need them and they are not evil.

  36. K says...

    I’ve been working out consistently 4-5 days a week for years, and MOST of the time I feel absolutely terrible, depleted, and often disappointed after I exercise. I work out to keep my body in shape DESPITE depression.

    For a long time I was incredibly frustrated by all of the “you should exercise, you’ll feel SO much better” or “aren’t the endorphins great?!” type comments, when I should have been more accepting that it’s just never going to be like that for me.

    TL;DR Don’t beat yourself up if exercise (or anything else, really) doesn’t work as an antidepressant for you like it does for someone else! Seriously!

  37. Paula says...

    “Although antidepressants are THE BEST for people who need them, like myself.” <- Thank you so much for this! I have an anxiety disorder and take medication every day. It really is the best for me, it's changed my life and got me out of a very dark place when I never thought I'd see the light again. It took a lot of time and tears to be at peace with the idea that my mind needed medication, but it's exactly as you said in a comment: "mental health medication is JUST as essential and important and lifesaving as medications for any physical ailment". YES! Thanks, Joanna!

  38. carmen says...

    Joanna – I had no idea you took medicine for depression. I was so surprised (which I know is a weird thing to say since I don’t know you personally!) – would you be open to sharing details in a blog post?

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      absolutely, would be very happy to. i’ll start working on a post. thank you, carmen. xo

    • Daniela says...

      Joanna, I second this! In particular, I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether it’s okay to take antidepressants during pregnancy. I’ve heard both sides, of people who stayed on them and others who tapered off before they fell pregnant.

    • Kathryn says...

      I am glad you are going to write the post about medication. I had read your post about the “Hardest 2 Months of My Life” as a reader, but then, when I was pregnant with my second child, I developed depression (another not talked about type of depression), and the article was sent back to me by my sister. It meant so much to me to have something so accurately describe how I was feeling, not only for me, but also for others who loved me, but were not living the experience. If sharing your experience can help another the way your previous post helped me, it will be a wonderful gift to the world. Thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully talk about mental health.

  39. carmen says...

    Another advocate for exercise for mental health. It might not be for everyone, but in most cases, I agree with information that I’ve read about it being the more effective option. Personally, I’ve found it to be miraculous.
    After several years of suffering with what probably started as post partum depression, I finally found the courage to go to the doctor – I probably should have told him this because his response was that he wanted me to keep a diary! Whilst I completely understand he had a process to follow, I was waaay beyond that, but maybe down played it because I was very reluctant to disclose suicidal thoughts when I cared for young children. It took me another 10 years to confront it with exercise, which I now do every day. I also don’t like taking drugs, eg birth control, for goodness knows what reason. But mainly I find it extremely difficult to open up, and the thought of going to a doctor who might not take what I said seriously again filled me with dread; I just find it so embarrassing and demoralising. And now I know exercise can be life changing. But it probably takes a lot more than a class three times a week!

  40. Dee says...

    Me *clicking on the best place to break up with someone link*
    Husband *watching over my shoulder* ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’
    oops.

  41. Jen says...

    While I appreciated some of the marriage advice (especially the lunch date!), I can’t help but feel like parents get flack for everything these days! Some parents really, truly enjoy going to their kids’ activities every weekend, and that’s great! Some prefer to use that time for themselves, and that’s great too! How I feel reminds me of an Amy Poehler quote I think you referenced once- “great for her, not for me!” I just wish everyone would repeat this mantra when it comes to passing judgment on how others parent. If you’re happy and your kids are happy, just keep doing what works for you and your family. :)

  42. I am not depressed just exhausted latley I wonder can exercise work for that

  43. Sophia R says...

    I am not depressed but I am surely am exhausted does exercise work for that I wonder

    • Bec B says...

      According to my sports scientist parents, yes! Being active becomes a habit and ends up making you feel more energised, I always forget the science but whenever I complain of feeling tired Dad always asks “are you doing any excercise?” Even a nice walk :)
      Good luck!

  44. Margaret says...

    Thank you so much for your comment about antidepressants being the best for people who need them (despite exercise being great, too)! I am also one of those people that need antidepressants, which I didn’t admit until I was exercising regularly, earning straight-A’s, working and learning at a fun job, following a low-oil vegan diet, hanging out with the most supportive friends, and still feeling miserable. Destigmatizing antidepressants is part of destigmatizing mental illness as a whole. Comments like yours go a long way, Joanna! <3

  45. Carina says...

    I have to add to the comments about breaking up with someone at your own home. I think it is a very, very bad idea. Don’ Risk it! What if the person you just broke up with doesn’t want to leave? A neutral place where either party can leave as soon as they are ready is the kindest, best option. Just make sure it’s a place that is non-distinct and off the daily beaten path.

  46. Maywyn says...

    Oo. I feel bad for the dog, how he feels when people in person freak out.
    Marking the days it will take my brain to unsee that face.

  47. Sarah says...

    I love the cocktail idea!

  48. adp says...

    re: exercise as anti-depressant: it does work, but it takes a huge amount of effort that one may not have when depressed. you need to work out AT MINIMUM 3 times a week for 30 minutes (though honestly i need much more) and you need to do it consistently for TWELVE WEEKS before you’ll start to see a real & more or less constant elevation in mood.

    • Mb says...

      Totally agree. I weaned off antidepressants with exercise. That said, at my lowest I could not get out of bed. Much less have the mental energy to work out. It did help when I was better! But antidepressants were necessary for me to get to that place.

    • Lily says...

      I figured it’s more for people with a tendency toward depression who aren’t depressed at the moment but want to prevent it? But it’s a good point you make.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      just reposting my comment from below: oh my gosh, no one could be more supportive than antidepressants than i am! i take them every day and honestly credit them for saving my life when i was rock bottom with postpartum depression with anton. i’ve been taking them for almost five years. mental health medication is JUST as essential and important and lifesaving as medications for any physical ailment. i added a note to the post so this comes across and there isn’t any misinterpretation — the link is simply to show how exercise can be helpful, too, when you’re feeling well but are prone to depression and want to help keep it at bay. thank you!!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      PS the guy who wrote the article takes antidepressants too!

    • nadine says...

      I just love how you Jo (and team) answer to our comments. It’s so easy to interpret things in different ways. Thank you for always being so positive and thoughtful!! Have a delicious weekend too!

    • Savannah says...

      I have bipolar II and the best I feel is when I am sleeping regular, high quality sleep (difficult when I also have chronic pain!), am taking my meds as I should be, taking regular walks (I try for 30 minutes every day right now), and also getting regular talk therapy. There is absolutely no such thing as “just get some exercise!” for me.

  49. Sara says...

    I’m married, so if I were “breaking up” with my husband it probably would be in my/our home BUT I would not recommend it to my daughter, nieces, or female friends who are casually dating. I’ve just seen too many stories of men turning violent when they feel rejected. Make it a place where both parties can get out easily and safely. I don’t know, maybe I’m being morbid?

  50. Amanda says...

    I totally disagree with the dumping! I feel cozy and safe in my home, and even if all of my memories there aren’t perfect, I would feel so much better being sad and vulnerable in my own space. And I don’t want to have to sadly get myself home after being dumped, trying to drive safely, or pretending like everything’s okay and my heart isn’t breaking as I walk back to my house. I just want to cry and take a nap. Plus, being on someone else’s home turf automatically gives that person a position of power; not cool if you’re about to hurt someone (even if it’s done in as kind a way as possible.)

    • Cait says...

      Agreed. I don’t have to try to get home from somewhere while sobbing or with a puffy face, my dog is there to immediately comfort me, I can immediately change into sweats and pour a glass of wine or break out ice cream. If you’ve dated anyone for a decent amount of time, you’re going to have memories of them in your home anyway. I think that making it as easy as possible on the person being dumped is the only way to go.

  51. Elizabeth Wilcox says...

    Did you know when you put in a link to a really interesting article, that if it is to something in NYT or WaPo and a reader is not a subscriber then the reader cannot actually read the article? We get blurred out. At least, could you indicate the source of the link so I don’t suffer the annoyance and disappointment of clicking on a link and being excluded from something you think is worthy of note? That would be appreciated.

    • Caitlin says...

      Yes please! I truly look forward to clicking all the links on Friday but only have 10 NYT articles a month and have to really make them count! Just knowing the source ahead of time for those subscription based sites will help me know if I really need to see maternity overalls or save my limited articles for an in depth analysis of what’s going on in Russia ;)

    • Julie says...

      If you hover over a link, you can see the URL at the bottom of the screen (at least in the Chrome browser) before clicking. Hope that helps!

    • india says...

      Readers have been asking for this for ages. I have asked a few times and still nothing. It would be really nice and thoughtful if the team could do this in the future. I know people have mentioned if you hover over the link it tells you the source but it doesn’t work for me and I know it doesn’t work for some others….maybe if you’re a subscriber?? A simple NYT in brackets or something would work and not take away from the look/layout of the post. :)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      yes, we hear the requests for sure! we are working on a redesigned layout which will help with this. in the meantime, if you hover over, it will show the source IF you set that up with your browser. it’s a setting you can do (you see the source at the bottom of your browser page). hope this helps! xoxo

    • Lily says...

      Just clear your cache!

  52. Lynn says...

    I totally agree with the best place to break up with someone, but what if you live together? Also, someone dumping you need not “ruin” anything, like your home or an outfit (I recall seeing items given away and trashed in TV dramas) because casting things as ruined grants way too much power to the dumper. I probably sound cold. There there, dumpee. This too shall pass, and you’ll want that ottoman back.

  53. Ro says...

    The Advice for Marriage after Kids link was AMAZING. Sent it to my spouse immediately. You always have the best Friday posts.

    • Ann says...

      Just did the SAME THING!!! ?

  54. Stephanie says...

    Ok, am I the only one drooling at that meatball? I’m sure the links are wonderful…..but meatball!

    • Bethanne says...

      I was about to say the same…oh, and the bowl of olives too! ?

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      yes! :)

    • Maywyn says...

      You are not the only one. That meatball is beautiful.

  55. ann says...

    Regarding the breakup location, it all sounds great except that the dumped person has to be the one to leave. I think that leaves lots of room for awkward.

  56. Shannon says...

    Breaking up with someone at your own place isn’t recommendable. If the freshly dumped doesn’t immediately leave, things could range from (best case) awkward and/or uncomfortable to (worst case) unsafe.

  57. Alice says...

    Unrelated to any posts today, I’m suddenly seeing advertisements when I scroll through Cup of Jo. Did something change with the blog, or is this related to my phone settings?

    • Sasha says...

      Ads there for me too.

  58. Lorange says...

    It’s great that exercise can help with some people’s depression. I know I have felt it lift my spirits and really ramp down my anxiety. But when I was literally crying while exercising on a regular basis, it was clear exercise was not enough for that bout of depression. Like Melissa above, I tried medication and it changed my life. Here’s to everyone’s health!

  59. Bridget says...

    Haha ha on room 104 episode 7. My sister highly recommended that episode to me. As an ex mormon, I thought it was so silly and I couldn’t finish it- even with my ex mormon husband (who also served a mission). They just don’t talk that way. not really. ever. Hokey. I hope you got a whole lot of laughs and I am sure glad I am no longer mormon :)

  60. Alia says...

    I heartily disagree that your own home is the best place to break up with someone! I dated a psychotherapist for a total of two months, start to finish. When I tried to break up with him at my apt., he told me my “reasons aren’t good enough, I can’t allow you to break up with me”. Then he wouldn’t leave! I was desperate, so I resorted to saying some mildly hurtful things, hoping he would go. He eventually left, but then sent me long, typewritten letters and poems for months afterward.

  61. A.M. says...

    I always look forward to the Friday round-up! I just read the Esther Perel interview last night on Man Repeller and have been thinking since then about her thoughts on parent as a noun vs. a verb.

    Also – Just listened to Nina Rigg’s essay “When a Couch is More Than a Couch” on the Modern Love podcast, and cried through the whole thing. Loved hearing your sister’s touching thoughts at the end, Joanna.

  62. Ali says...

    Re: the best place to break up, I broke up with my most recent TWO exes at my house. I’m not certain that it’s easier. The end of my last relationship came when we both realised that he wanted different things to me, and while there was a lot of love and affection between us, we knew that we were in such different places, continuing the relationship- however good it was- would not have been good for either one of us, and I took responsibility for ending it. So breaking up with him at my house was really hard. I had to watch him walk out of my door, and out of my life, see his indentation on the pillow, and I just cried and cried and cried. It may have been easier on him- but it’s easy to forget that breaking up with someone can be really hard for the person doing the breaking up, not just for the person being broken up with. Oh, heartbreak. Isn’t it just the WORST!?

  63. Emily says...

    I wanted maternity overalls SO badly during my pregnancy and then I got some and I obsessed and obsessed about what pair to get. Then one night I impulsively bought some off eBay and looked like a disaster in them. My husband couldn’t stop laughing about how terrible they were on me. My daughter is 7 months old now and apparently it’s still “too soon” because that article was like salt in the wound!

  64. Tammy says...

    I think breaking up with someone at your place is such a good idea, except when I think about the brokenhearted’s commute home.

    I think I read in Cosmo, years ago, that Tyra Banks (even supermodels get their hearts broken!) once had an ex who lived somewhere like the Hollywood hills. He broke up with her and she had to drive the windy roads down, in the dark, through her tear-streaked eyes and gasping sobs. It was emotionally painful and physically dangerous, and she was so mad at him for putting her through both the breakup and the journey home.

    If you can and their car isn’t at your place, get your former beau an Uber home (yes, on your dime). Or, better yet, to their best friend’s place, because that’s probably where they were headed next anyway.

    • Cait says...

      I too remember the Tyra Banks story and have often thought of it! And your idea of the Uber is amazing and thoughtful.

  65. Melissa says...

    I think it’s important to not over stigmatize antidepressant medication as wrong or evil. After struggling for years with depression after the birth of my sons, I did everything right, exercising multiple times a week, therapy once a week and always refused medication. Finally, during a particularly sad period a few months ago, my therapist told me to cut myself some slack and allow myself to try medication. I wish I tried it years earlier. I could have been a better mom instead of always punishing myself for the fact that I was still struggling despite my regular therapy and exercise. Sometimes, medication is a god-send and not as evil as we all think it is. I feel so lucky to have finally taken that step.

    • Ali says...

      I completely agree. Medication is the only thing that helped me come out of my deep, dark, awful depression. I was self harming, had severe suicidal thoughts, and I tried everything else for nearly 10 years before trying antidepressants. After three years of taking them, I finally came off them last July, and throughout those years, they helped me become a depression-free, functioning, happy person. Exercise is great, and its value shouldn’t be underestimated- but it is not a cure all. On the other side, this article describes a major study which found how effective antidepressants are! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-43143889

    • Lindsey says...

      YEP! And, listen, I say this as someone who loves to exercise EXCLUSIVELY for my mental health. But I also know that it’s not enough for me, and for a lot of people, and also that goddamnit… sometimes you’re so depressed you truly do not have the energy or emotional strength to do the things you want to, even if you know they’ll make you feel better.

      Medication is medication. I take insulin for my diabetes, I take meds for my mood disorder. I think holistic health is great, and approaching treatment as more of just “take this pill every day and see you in 6 months” is VITAL, but I also think that people should do what they need to do. No stigma. No “have you tried ______”. Every one of us is doing our best, and that’s gonna look different for all of us.

    • yes! medication can be really helpful in the beginning, as well, to give someone enough energy and motivation to start exercising regularly. Antidepressants don’t have to be life-long medications for a lot of people.

    • Sasha says...

      I agree wholeheartedly Melissa, let’s please be thankful about those whom medication helps. Of course many things can help mental health, but medication is vital for some. As vital as insulin is for diabetics, or chemo for cancer, or ibuprofen for a headache. If someone out there happens to be a person who got better because of exercise, or eating vegan or whole foods, or doing yoga or meditation, without medication, I am so happy for you and that’s wonderful. That doesn’t mean anything for the person who medication helps live a happy and fulfilled life.

    • Diane says...

      I don’t see anyone stigmatizing medication, I see Jo highlighting the benefits of exercise too. I’m so glad you have what you need and I agree, medication is a Godsend!

    • J says...

      I agree! I didn’t even click on that link because it made me mad. I had post-partum depression for two years before I finally believed all the questionnaires that said I most likely DID have PPD. The thing that got me? “If you think, ‘If I just exercised more, journaled more, was closer to God, kept a gratitude journal, etc., then I wouldn’t be depressed’…” There was a season during PPD when I was exercising regularly and I was so upset because it didn’t help past the serotonin surge directly post-workout. A few months ago I finally went on anti-depressants and saw a huge difference in two weeks. I was finally myself again. And still, I feel guilt over it and pressure to get off them as soon as possible.

    • t says...

      I am so glad you found a solution and I am so sorry that medication had been stigmatized for you to the point you held off trying it for so long. The the author is a runner and takes wellbutrin so I think he would agree.

      I totally support all avenues to mental and physical health so I hope more people are inspired by your experience (and the author’s experience). Do what you need to do people!

    • Ro says...

      I think exercise can help so much with moods and really benefit the long term care of someone with depression. I always smart a little when it’s suggested though, because I suffer from major depression (managed reasonably well with drugs and more) and during the hard times the last thing I can do is exercise, unless that exercise could be described as taking a shower and tying my shoes and not crying at work, because those can be incredible feats.

    • LS says...

      Agreed! And I wanted to add, when I was at my lowest point, two professionals DID recommend exercise but I was so overwhelmed that I never really gave it a chance. Antidepressants gave me the emotional stability to start taking care of myself, which eventually included exercise. Eventually I was able to get off medication, and now exercise IS a big part of how I manage my depression and anxiety. It’s an interesting article, but maybe a little too black and white.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      oh my gosh, no one could be more supportive than antidepressants than i am! i take them every day and honestly credit them for saving my life when i was rock bottom with postpartum depression with anton. i’ve been taking them for almost five years. mental health medication is JUST as essential and important and lifesaving as medications for any physical ailment. i added a note to the post so this comes across and there isn’t any misinterpretation — i simply wanted to also show how exercise can be helpful, too, when you’re feeling well but are prone to depression and want to help keep it at bay.

    • Eve says...

      For a while I didn’t want to try antidepressants, but a friend finally broke through to me that I didn’t have to be struggling so much to do basic things, so why was I making things harder on myself? I have since tried many antidepressants and none have worked for me. It’s incredibly frustrating. I thought we finally found something that worked but in the last few weeks I’ve spiraled and my anxiety is at an all time high. Maybe more exercise would help a little. I don’t know, I feel like I’ve tried it all already.

    • Cait says...

      Just wanted to add that for some, medication IS a lifelong (or at least a years long) necessity. A diabetic doesn’t just go on insulin for a little while until they feel better. For those who have a chemical imbalance, there is no shame in using medication to correct it (along with diet, exercise, etc.) Some don’t need it for as long, but just wanted to point out that it isn’t a weakness if one does need it for extended or life-long periods.

    • M says...

      As both a doctor and person who has been through depresssion, I can honestly tell you everyone here is right. Americans don’t exercise enough, doctors learn very little about exercise and nutrition in medical school AND antidepressants save lives. No one should EVER feel bad about taking their antidepressants, and we could probably all stand to exercise more. I thought the article did a great job of highlighting both these points when the author shared that he is on Wellbutrin at the end of the piece. Jo, thanks again for making efforts to destigmatize a very normal (although unfortunate) part of life.

    • Sasha says...

      Jo, thank you for adding on to the link, that sentence makes all the difference. Thank you for always being so thoughtful.

      It’s been hard for me to come to terms with our culture and so many of us on psychotropic drugs. Is it an easy fix? Are we just unhealthy and that leads to depression, and then we just pop a pill? I finally came to some answers, at least for me, when I saw the difference in my husband when he started Wellbutrin. As an addict with a very dysfunctional childhood with a lot of trauma, he self medicated. When he got clean, he also unleashed his depression. It’s not something that can be fixed, it’s the accumulation of his whole life. He was always doing the best he could. On Wellbutrin, he has a happy life. It’s not a quick fix, but I do think it’s a story so many of us can relate to, circumstances way beyond our control shaping how our brain responds to the world. There is so much abuse and trauma and inequality in our world, I think our individual mental health is a response to it. Our world is sick, so are we. Medications help us cope with things we just can’t change, and maybe give us the energy to do better in our own lives and stop the cycle.

  66. Rebecca says...

    YES to exercise as an effective anti-depressant. The hardest part is starting, but it’s amazing how effective it is at rewiring the brain temporarily.