Relationships

“My Husband and I Sleep in Different Bedrooms”

My Husband and I Sleep in Different Bedrooms

This summer, when I wrote about my marriage’s bedtime routine, we noticed a compelling conversation happening in the comments. A bunch of readers said they were happily married but slept in different rooms from their spouses. We reached out to them, and here’s what they said…

How separate bedrooms came about

At first blush, separate rooms might seem dramatic — did the couple get in a huge fight? Is their relationship on the rocks? But sleeping apart is actually pretty common. A 2015 National Sleep Foundation survey found that 10 percent of couples reported sleeping in different rooms — and as many as 25 percent said they slept in separate beds.

Many reasons for sleeping apart are benign. “Originally, it was my husband’s snoring,” says Katie, who lives in Illinois and has two teenage sons. “The noise got really bad, and I was always poking him. Often, I would grab my pillow and go to the living room.”

Sleeping apart also permits alone time within a busy household. “My husband and I are big introverts, and once our twins were born, we needed more alone time than ever,” says Lee. Now, on a typical evening, the couple will put the twins to bed, hang out in the living room and part ways around 10 p.m. to retreat to their self-described introvert caves. “I swear, this has SAVED our marriage,” says Lee.

Erin from Florida agrees with the need for a room of one’s own. She and her husband are light sleepers who pick up on each other’s energy. “If one of us is struggling with something, and tossing and turning, the other will inevitably fall prey to the fitfulness,” she says. “We relish being alone at night to recharge our batteries.”

Where exactly they sleep

If you decide to sleep apart, the ideal scenario would be two different bedrooms, but what if you don’t have much space? “We don’t even have a master bedroom right now!” says Stephanie, who lives with her (snoring) husband and two children in New Zealand. Since converting their master into a home office, her husband has been crashing in the living room, while she has a single bed in the nursery.

Other couples switch things up, based on available sleeping spots. Katie sleeps in the master bedroom, while her husband heads to his study. And Erin’s husband alternates between the guest room, the living space and the master bedroom, which has two twin beds.

Why it’s awesome

No one likes waking up grumpy — and spending the night with a tosser-and-turner can cause that feeling every damn day. “We were miserable for our first handful of years together, and after we had a baby, forget it,” says Erin. By bunking apart, couples hope to wake up more refreshed. “We are so much happier during the day,” says Stephanie.

Plus, in your own room, you can choose the optimal temperature, fan setting, bedding, wake-up time, whatever you’d like. “There are so many things that I like about sleeping separately, but mainly aesthetics, which sounds kind of sad,” laughs Katie. “My bedroom feels serene to me, and I make my bed every day. My husband, not so much — he has a tendency to spill his espresso in the sheets!”

How sex happens

Movies and TV shows often equate intimacy with falling into bed together, but sex can come about in different ways, of course. “We might miss out on spontaneous interactions, but we just initiate sex earlier in the evening, or ask the other person while we’re spitting out toothpaste,” says Erin.

Plus, you can always knock on each other’s doors. “I retreat to my room to read before bed, so if I’m instigating, I might say, want to come read for a bit?” says Katie. “If my husband is instigating, he’ll come to my room dragging his big reading bolster and I’ll know what’s on his mind.”

What friends and relatives think

Since having separate bedrooms within a marriage isn’t the societal norm, friends and relatives aren’t always sure what to think. “I feel like I am forever explaining our situation,” says Stephanie. But generally, for these women, friends have been understanding. “My close girlfriends know and think it’s great, or at least amusing,” says Erin. “I’m pretty sure a few of them would like to try it themselves.”

What about kids? “I worried that our sons might think we were splitting up,” says Katie. “But they see us being affectionate all the time, so I don’t think it has ever been a real concern.”

After all, if something’s not working, why not switch things up? “What I find bizarre is how many couples have similar issues but keep sleeping the way they do because it is ‘normal,'” says Stephanie. “After being married for 30 years, my mum still loves snuggling under a big duvet and my dad still wakes up drenched in sweat — at least try two duvet covers!”


At the end of the day, of course, you don’t need to share covers every night to be connected. “If there is one thing in life I don’t worry about, it’s sleeping separately from my husband,” says Stephanie. “My husband is my best friend, and there isn’t one tiny ounce of me that feels like we aren’t meant to be. Our relationship is built on many things — sharing a bed just isn’t one of them.”

Or perhaps even sharing a house. “Some days I fantasize about separate little houses, Scandanavian-style, connected by an open porch,” says Katie. “I still love him like crazy after all these years, though, so maybe just a small porch.”

What about you? Have you ever thought about separate rooms? Or do you prefer having the same bed?

P.S. How to keep up a marriage after kids, and scheduling sex.

(Illustration by Alessandra Olanow for Cup of Jo. Thanks to Diana Woodward for help reporting.)

  1. mt says...

    Don’t know if anyone else has already mentioned this, but, I’m autistic and it’s pretty common among couples where one or both partners are on the spectrum to sleep separately. Because many of us autistic folks have major sensory sensitivities and/or REALLY dig our alone time, co-sleeping often just doesn’t make sense! And I don’t know anyone who’s relationship is the worse for it. I’m glad to see neurotypicals are getting in on the trend ; )

  2. Hi Jo. Great article. I am a passionate separate sleeper, with my husband and I lasting in a bed together for one week after he moved in to my house. We weren’t married then, but 10 years married and almost 13 years together, our own rooms has been the making of our relationship.

    When I started talking about our sleeping arrangements, the comments and responses were such that I realised there were many people close to me, and not so close, who were faced with similar issues in getting a good night’s sleep, but didn’t know how to approach the taboo and often judged practice of sleeping separately. Many couples hadn’t even thought it was an option. By the reactions and comments to your articles, it just proves that the topic is still one that generates a lot of interest.

    In response to the reactions I received, I decided to write a book and in 2013 ‘Sleeping Apart not Falling Apart: How to get a good night’s sleep and keep your relationship alive’ was published. In the book I try to offer couples (or one person in a relationship) some perspective on why sleep is just so important, and then some information about how to work with a partner to negotiate some ‘non-traditional’ sleep options.

    If you, or any of your readers, are interested in reading more on the topic, I invite you to my website – http://www.sleepingapartnotfallingapart.com – to check out a range of information on the topic.

    As a dedicated advocate of people talking about (and normalising) the practice, thanks for the article.

  3. When I was pregnant with our first (and so far, only) child, we ended up sleeping in different rooms. I had a lot of trouble getting comfortable, eventually making a little pillow nest that spread diagonally across the bed. Now that our son is here, we sleep in the same bed again, but often one will decamp in the night to the couch or spare room as we deal with insomnia (it seems unfair that people dealing with a baby would get insomnia, but it seems not uncommon). I loved sleeping alone and spreading out- and could see returning to that again sometime. For now though, I find I crave that companionship- even if he is asleep much of the time- as I’m getting up for the baby. It makes it feel less lonely, somehow.

  4. Danielle says...

    My parents starting sleeping in separate rooms about 5 years ago, when my Mom’s snoring worsened. Both are much happier (my Dad is a light sleeper and he’s ecstatic to finally get quality sleep each night, and my Mom is grateful to be able to sleep without being poked/prodded every few minutes in order to stop snoring ;)). As someone who loves and needs a ton of sleep each night in order to be able to function, I think these arrangements are genius!

    While I couldn’t imagine sleeping apart from my fiancé, if he were a snorer, I wonder how my feelings would change…

  5. Lovely blog, I feel the same way about this! I’m a light sleeper so any smallest movement can wake me up, I really need my beauty sleep for myself! Love your blog <3

  6. I didn’t realise that it was so common! My parents have done it for the past 4 years or so because after 22 years of snoring my mother couldn’t take it anymore and she had to move into the guest bedroom so that she could have a peaceful night of sleep! It’s actually quite a good idea.

    http://www.diaryofanexpatgirl.com

  7. Rose Hastings Keith says...

    I usually fall asleep in bed with my husband around 10pm while he’s working away on his laptop (he’s a professor and a night owl). Around 2am, I usually wake up to his snoring and simply walk down the hall to the guest room and go back to sleep. We’ve been doing this for about a year now and it works really well for us. He was always anxious about me waking him up in the middle of the night because of his snoring, and retreating to the guest bed in the middle of the night feels like a special treat to me. The bonus is that I can’t hear our two little boys quite as well when I’m in the guest room so he is often the one who first gets up with them, and then I switch with him so he can go back to sleep (which he luckily does very easily).

  8. kristen says...

    this is my dream! only because i like my bed much more different that my husband likes his. i.e.; i like 6 pillows he barely likes his one. i like a giant comforter, he sleeps in pants and calls it good. BUT if i suggested it, it would totally kill him. not sure a fragmented marriage is worth having a separate bed. dang! but kudos to all that can and make it work.

  9. I think separate bedrooms (or at least a king mattress) is a great idea. I am lucky to have found a man who never snores, but I have horrible hot flashes and keep the bedroom temp at 65 degrees, and the windows cracked open when it’s cold out. He is usually hibernating next to me under a huge comforter and I am in a tank top under a thin cotton blanket which I intermittently toss off. We took a long weekend in Portland ME a few months ago and the hotel had a king mattress and it worked really well for us. We don’t have kids and he travels a lot for work, so that is also a factor. I asked my mother what the secret was to her 40+ years with my father and she said, “separate bathrooms.” THAT is something I swear by, and probably worthy of a totally different post.

    • YES. I would absolutely love separate bathrooms more than anything else!!

    • Sara says...

      Separate bathrooms for the win for sure! We upgraded to a bigger apartment last year with two bathrooms and it has been amaaaaazing! Our mornings are so much less hectic and stressful having “his and hers” bathrooms :) It makes me marvel at the fact that the house I lived in with my mom and brother (and an au pair for a few years) between the ages of 10-18 had only one bathroom! Not even a separate half bath anywhere, literally just one bathroom. Not sure how we all survived but I’m now having the epiphany that this is the first time I’ve lived in a home with more than one bathroom in 20 years!

  10. Sadie says...

    I think this is so common, even when it’s not official. I come from a large family, with kids of all ages constantly climbing into bed with parents, camping out on the floor of the parents’ bedrooms, bed-wetting incidents that required relocations, living-room sleepovers with friends who wanted to crash, et cetera. In the mornings, I always used to wake up before the rest of my family, and I remember poking around all the different bedrooms and couches, trying to figure out which one my mother was in!

    Now, my family is the same. It’s musical beds every night. My son likes to go to sleep in his own bed, but inevitably comes to our bed before the night’s over. This often prompts either me or my husband to decamp to our son’s bed, or our sofa (our son is a sleep-kicker AND sleep-talker… and so am I). Sometimes we make advance agreements about who is going to be the designated co-sleeper for the night, and who gets to sleep alone!

  11. Steph B says...

    I always struggled sleeping next to my husband because I’m a light sleeper and when he would turn over he would lift his entire body off the bed and hurl it to the other side, like some sort of sleep aerobics. It made me crazy. When our daughter arrived she slept with us and he would wake me AND her up and I eventually asked him to move to the guest room, which has an insanely comfortable bed so he didn’t mind. Fast forward three years and I’m in bed with my now 4 year old in her room and he’s back in the master. I don’t miss sleeping with him. It never brought us closer. I’ve always disliked casual bedtime sex when everyone is tired, anyways. We still have plenty of sex, it’s just never in a bed at night, and that’s okay by me.

    • Leigh says...

      YES! This. My husband is such a light sleeper and we also do musical beds. We just moved into an apartment for a new job with only one bedroom. Our (two) kids share the bedroom with us, which usually means he retreats to the living room or to the finished basement at some point. I’ll be honest, since this happened so early in our marriage I got nervous…for one, I missed rolling over and kissing him goodnight, but the trade-off – a very grumpy husband who couldn’t sleep, was absolutely not worth it. As I realized that I’ve still kept the situation a bit hush-hush, not because I felt we were any less close, but because of what I thought other people would think about it and that it may be a sign the relationship wasn’t strong (though that played out not at all in real life). This is such a refreshing story. Thank you for letting me know we’re not total weirdos!! I’ll have to tell him.

      And yes, I ALWAYS disliked sex in bed at night. Everyone’s tired, we’re already relaxed and wound down, and doing something invigorating just means re-processing the wind-down process. As it turns out, we’ve tested out a lot of different other household locations and quite enjoyed it.

  12. I’ve recently heard on the radio that more and more newly built homes have two master bedrooms. Couples can afford now this luxury of having separate bedrooms, which was customary mostly for the upper classes before.

  13. Amanda says...

    My husband and I have slept separately for most of the past 6 years. Unlike many posting here, it is because he works out of state for 2 weeks, then is home for one week (for 4 years, he would be home for 2 weeks, but there was a job change). I enjoy having the bed to just my self and the cat (and occasionally one of the kids) when he is gone. It makes me miss his snoring (almost) and we definitely spoon/cuddle all night when he is home. I get a different kind of sleep when he is away than when he is home. If the kids are home and it’s just me, I sleep lighter b/c I have to listen for them. When he is home, I wouldn’t wake if a bomb went off (unless he has rolled onto my hair)!

  14. M says...

    My husband and I have had separate rooms back when I contracted a serious illness and it was crucial for my healing to sleep undisturbed. We became used to the space and as I healed, we realized it boosted our immune systems to get a very deep sleep and wake up refreshed. As far as intimacy, it is spicier now than ever before. ?

  15. Lowell says...

    My hubby and I have two Queen beds in our bedroom! It’s magical. We joke about getting a custom bed frame made. But we both love our own sleeping space. Sometimes I feel bad about not being “normal” or having a picture perfect bedroom. But sleeping well, on my own terms, is priceless.

  16. E says...

    So timely! I share everything with my husband (bed, closet, cars, bedroom) and kids (bathroom, clothes) and feel so resentful about lack of personal space and autonomy. I’ve been daydreaming all week about how to reconfigure so that I can have some space that is only mine.

    • Stretch says...

      Get a woman cave. Don’t ruin your marriage with separate beds.

  17. I love this! I’m a very light sleeper, and am engaged to a snorer who moves about a lot … we’re doing up our home so the spare room is full of boxes; but there’ve been a few times I have retreated to the sofa, slamming the door on the way (it never wakes him up! Grrr!)
    Not sure I’m ready to have permanent separate rooms, as I love our routine of going to bed and listening to a BBC Radio 4 comedy programme as we drift off (aka Radio 4 bedtime); but I can’t wait to have a spare bed, with crisp bedding, in a nice spare bedroom!

  18. My experience has been the opposite to many people here. I sleep with my husband, but almost all of our other married couple friends sleep apart! In my opinion, whatever works for the couple is the right thing.

    Personally, even though I am a night owl and my husband is a morning bird, we still love sleeping together. We don’t mind the compromises, and cuddling helps us feel connected. We did sleep apart for a few months when I was pregnant years ago. Recently we got a king size bed and I love it because I am a tosser and turner by nature, so I love the extra space to move. Overall though, sleeping togetherness makes us happy.

    • Stretch says...

      Thank you! I am glad to hear this. You’ve given me hope.

  19. Marie says...

    My parents always slept apart due to my mother’s snoring. As an older kid, I always thought that was sad they slept apart, but the outcome was each had their own room with their own ‘stuff’. Now, as a married woman, I kind of like the concept of having my own room with my own things.

    We currently have the largest bed that could possibly be sold and we each have our own bedding (which to me makes a WORLD of a difference) but I would miss those moments of connection before bed. Just being together, winding down together, even if it is just lying next to him listening to the same podcast together, him grabbing my hand or whispering I love you. I would hate to miss out on that intimacy, as simple as it may be.

    • Stretch says...

      That is why you get married (and regular sex, of course). I am happy to hear this.

  20. Ann says...

    I switched to a separate bedroom when my husband elevated the head of our bed about six inches so it would slant, as treatment for severe heartburn. I spent nights dreaming about sliding off mountains and would wake up with my feet and ankles swollen from not sleeping on a level surface. After over 50 years of sharing a room, I find that I like sleeping on my own, reading as late as I want to, and taking up as much space as I need. And because we no longer share the room, I no longer feel compelled to clean up his messes.

  21. Haylie says...

    My aunt and her husband live apart (she lives in literally the coolest apartment I’ve ever seen, filled with art and cool weird stuff; you should do a post!) and he lives in a nearby houseboat. Their story (friends forever, married, divorced, REmarried) is the greatest. And as a profoundly introverted married person, I’m a little envious of their current situation ;)

    • Martha says...

      I’d so very much love to know all about them…
      I find really inspiring that some people can actually make bold moves in the search of love and happiness.
      Lovely of you to share…
      <3

    • Stretch says...

      That sounds awful!

  22. Molly says...

    I love this! I swear you always run articles on the most random things I can completely relate to. My husband and I slept in separate beds for most of this year because we wake each other up, and our sagging but beloved king bed causes him some back pain. We have a great relationship and honestly sleeping separately I think made it better, ha! It was GREAT and we both loved it– I especially loved having the bed all to myself and getting to sleep with the curtain open (he likes to sleep in total dark and I don’t), and having plenty of room if either (or both) my boys snuck in during the night, but he moved back in to our bedroom at the beginning of the summer bc the guest room, where he was sleeping, can’t have an AC (there’s a fire escape in that room’s window so it’s not allowed). I think we were also a bit worried about how it would effect our relationship if we continued on that way, but now that I’m reading that lots of other people do this, I’m thinking maybe we’ll go back once the AC season is over!!

  23. Kiley says...

    My fiance and I routinely sleep apart on Friday and Saturday night. I typically go to bed around midnight and he stays up for a few extra hours by himself. When he crawled into bed it would wake me up and I had a hard time falling asleep, so he offered to sleep on the couch. It works great for both of us. I love sleeping in the same bed with him, but I also look forward to having the bed to myself a couple nights a week. We also sleep with separate comforters so there’s no blanket hogging, that’s key.

  24. Luna GC says...

    Husband and I have been together 12 years and married almost 2 months. I love his warm body to my cool body. BUT he sleeps heavy for a slim man & I get overheated by his body + blankets. Currently we are planning our 3rd baby and he’s accepted my suggestion of seperate rooms. Yay!
    With our 2nd child, a sickly premature newborn, breastfeeding issues, his shift work hours & heavy snoring/sleep, my mental health was at a desperate low. We already sleep seperately (2-3 nights) because of his work hours, bathroom antics, general messiness & I love having the queen bed to myself. I realise a good night’s sleep no matter how short/long helps me to be a more balanced person. I would love TWO master bedroom suites not just two sinks! ?

  25. I’m a big fan of sleeping in the same bed as my partner, though I have to say I relish when he’s out of town or I’m visiting a friend and get a bed to myself (or, at least, with only the dog…) But I like it as an occasional thing rather than all the time.

    We do, however, sleep with a king sized duvet on our queen bed. It makes a big difference for us in the same way that two twin duvets do!

  26. My husband DOES sleep in another room temporarily. We had our 3rd child (surprise!), and we only have 3 bedrooms. I’m sleeping in our room with my now 2 year old. My husband sleeps with our 7 year old. It’s not ideal, but thankfully my husband is a good sport and knows he’ll get back in our bed sooner than later. I do miss sleeping next to my husband, but I’m enjoying the last of the baby snuggles and embracing the fact that this part of life with my 2 year old is so sweet… and the fact that my husband is cool with it, is even sweeter! Makes me want him back in the bed! Haha!!!

  27. Karin says...

    I’ve long thought that a side-by-side duplex would be the ideal living situation. Each partner gets their own space and control of their own mess. A door connecting the bedrooms like in a hotel would provide an opportunity for a secret knock and sexy rendezvous (think The Pink Panther, without all the multi-partner confusion)
    My husband looks at me with an equal mix of insult and bafflement in my strangeness when I bring it up. Sigh.

    • Lydia says...

      This sounds like the perfect set up to me!

    • Ann says...

      I think I remember reading that the author Robert Parker (of Spencer fame) lived in one part of a duplex and his wife lived in the other part. It worked best for them, and they were devoted to each other.

    • Julia E says...

      I’ve joked (with some truth to it) to my husband that a Frida Kahlo set-up would be great….

    • Sadie says...

      Yes! And wouldn’t it be amazing as a step before moving in together? Just living next door?

    • Stretch says...

      As he should. That IS insulting.

    • Tracy says...

      That is PERFECT. Have you heard of (LAT) relationships. It stands for Living Apart Together. It’s a thing.

  28. Elise says...

    I think this is so interesting and I’m glad to see people are finding what works for them. I kind of like the idea of sleeping separately, or at least with separate duvets. However, my parents’ marriage advice has always been to sleep together in a double bed – because it encourages cuddling! They’ve been married for 34 years. My husband and I have had a double bed for 7 years of marriage and it’s mostly been great. We both have a hard time falling asleep without the other there! I can envision wanting/needing a bigger bed later on though, especially if/when kids come into the picture.

  29. Sam says...

    My parents started sleeping apart when I was in high school ostensibly because of my mom’s snoring, but theirs is not the happiest marriage. I was embarrassed of them sleeping apart and never thought I’d do it. But life happens and with a co-sleeping 3 year old, nursing baby and co-sleeping 150lbs dog, my husband and I haven’t slept in the same bed for months. And we both kinda love it. I am not sure we’ll ever have permanent separate bedrooms given how I felt about my parents, but a king bed and separate duvets are definitely in our future.

  30. Annie M says...

    Yes yes yes! My hubbs and I first got the idea of sleeping in different beds when a hotel only had two queens- it was such a dream (ha!)
    He snores and I thrash, and between the two of us, we never had a good night’s sleep and were constantly resentful- I can’t tell you how many times I would poke and push him in the middle of the night while seeing RED!
    Since our daughter came along almost 3 years ago, I started sleeping across the room from her and hubby stayed downstairs in our master. We are lucky to have the room to spread out, but I know people may think it’s slightly strange. We’re so much happier with each other, but I do find myself trying to explain to people that yes, we still love each other, no we’re not splitting up, he snores and I CANT HANDLE IT, HOW DOES ANYONE DEAL WITH A PARTNER WHO SNORES?!?! ;)

  31. TC says...

    Sleep is so personal. My husband and I have the opposite dilemma — we have trouble sleeping when we’re apart, like when one of us travels for work. The bed just never feels right. We are pretty compatible sleepers, though that wasn’t the case when we first moved in together. My husband would put on a CD of music to fall asleep to, and I’d be wide awake listening to the lyrics. I eventually got him to give up the music in lieu of a fan, and we both sleep much better.

    • Sarah Jane says...

      I hear you on this. So hard to sleep alone now! Those late work nights for my wife mean very little sleep for me– it’s rough!

  32. Nancy says...

    Ever since I saw this movie that takes place in Victorian times, I’ve wanted my own bedroom! In the movie, the husband and wife had separate bedrooms with a jack’n’jill conjugal bedroom in between. :) My dream!

    • Luna GC says...

      Wishlist!! ?

    • karen says...

      ” jack’n’jill conjugal bedroom in between” = perfection!

  33. Never thought of separate rooms. Hubby is a light sleeper – me? I go upstairs, shower, read and when my head hits the pillow – out like a light. Hubby often asks me if I heard/seen all the thunder and lightening that went on the night before – What thunder/lightening?

  34. My parents slept in separate rooms on opposite ends of a very longgggg house. I never thought anything of it until my friends would be like WHAAAAAT? My dad was a huge tosser-turner so they had their own little nooks. As much as I love sharing a room and bed with my husband, when he gets up earlier than me, I love starfishing out onto his side and when he is out of town I have a hard time GETTING to sleep without him (scaredy-cat) but once asleep, I sleep better with more space. Maybe we just need to go back to a King bed!

  35. Lydia says...

    My husband used to snore so loudly that it would wake me up. He ordered a sleep wedge from Amazon and it has changed our lives. He can even sleep on his back without snoring. Best 40 bucks ever spent!

    • dana says...

      What pillow is this? I must know! =)

    • karen says...

      Lydia, we need the link to that pillow!

  36. Alison says...

    Prior to marrying my husband (we were already living together), I had to convince him that we should register for twin duvets instead of a new standard duvet cover or bedspread. I’d traveled to Europe previously and loved this way of sleeping, but he wasn’t necessarily sure it would help us. The change has 100% has worked miracles – after travel abroad together, he was so on board asking me why we waited so long to change our bedding, ha! It allows us to both control our own temperatures and disturb each other so much less during the evening if someone gets up, or is tossing and turning (at least he doesn’t pull the blankets off me!).

    Can’t recommend this enough as a “first step” for those wanting to get some separation while sleeping.

  37. Tess says...

    I remember how relieved I felt when I first revealed to some coworkers that my husband and I do this and an older colleague who has been happily married for many years was like “yeah, duh, it’s way better.” Like many others have said, my husband and I love having our own space to sleep in our unique ways. We are so committed to our arrangement that while we are house hunting right now we are actually factoring the need for an extra bedroom into our selection process. Well rested people get along better!

  38. Sasha says...

    After reading comments, I’m convinced snoring is the leading cause of divorce (and homicidal thoughts).

    Separate beds save marriages ;)

    • Michelle says...

      Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

  39. YoungDirectionless says...

    I’m glad this works for people, but it would make me so sad. Even though I am pregnant and getting up to pee all the time when I asked my husband if he wanted to sleep separately he said he would rather I wake him up all night long.

  40. K says...

    Same bed but we sleep with two twin blankets! He’s a duvet guy and I sleep best with my ratty comforter from college.

    He’s out of town so much for work that we both got accustomed to sleeping the way we like. Then when we were together, it would take a few sleeps to get comfy next to each other. Two twin blankets is perfect for us!

  41. Sydney says...

    I really love sharing a bed with my partner however I do foresee separate duvets in the future. He is constantly rolling up in ours leaving me freezing, luckily he is a heavy sleeper so when I rip them back he doesn’t even seem to notice.

    Loving all these couples who are challenging convention and doing what works for them!

  42. Kate says...

    My husband and I sleep separately for the most part because a) he’s a night owl and a snorer and b) I am a light sleeper who goes to bed early and can’t help stealing the covers. It’s not a good mix.

    I don’t feel like we’re missing much intimacy because we were never cuddlers anyway (we both like our own space to sleep).

    We make up for it during the day and fun evenings before bed.

  43. Addie says...

    My husband and I want to sleep in the same bed, but…kids. Our son refuses to sleep alone, so at the moment, my husband either sleeps in his bed with him, or my son sleeps in our bed with me and my husband takes the couch. Hoping to fit a king size bed in our budget soon, or that our son gets over his fears!

    • Abesha1 says...

      Remove your bed frames, and place the mattresses on the floor next to each other. Et voila- one big bed!

  44. Alexa says...

    My husband and I are compatible sleepers, so we share a bed, but I am just really excited to see folks tossing convention out the window and figuring out what works for them! That’s the key to a happy marriage/a happy life, I think :)

  45. J.J. says...

    My husband works nights. We share a small home (2 bdrm, 1 bath 800 sq ft) with my college age son (and 3 small dogs and one cat). In order for my husband to get a good nights sleep, he sleeps in our travel trailer in the backyard. We miss sleeping in the same bed but making sure he gets good sleep is more important. On his days off, he’ll stay in our bed or sometimes I join him in the trailer (that bed is so comfy). We still find time for plenty of intimacy – we just don’t sleep in the same room most nights.

  46. Olga says...

    My husband is a light sleeper and gets up at 4.30AM for work, so if he’s especially sleep-deprived we’ll spend the night in different rooms.

    Also, I believe you may have used vacillating incorrectly.

  47. Amanda says...

    My husband and I sleep in different rooms on the nights I work. I’m a nurse and I get home at midnight (asleep at 130a and up around 9/930a), my husband is a teacher and goes to bed at 9p and is up at 6a. We both treasure sleep and this set up has made rested with this scenario. Before we started sleeping in separate rooms it was such a shit show.

  48. My husband and I had to resort to separate blankets on the bed. We would fight over them all night. If we had room for separate bedrooms I think we would try it. He likes the TV on all night, I get up early, and we both move a lot. Our dogs would be so confused.

  49. Mary says...

    It’s good to “talk” about these things. My husband has terrible sleep issues due to Parkinson’s. We have had our own bedrooms for several years now.
    Years ago, I was sick with a cough and told a friend it was absurd to think you could share a bed every night – especially when you are sick. Accept what is and deal with it. It’s silly to disturb each other if you can prevent it.

  50. Em says...

    I feel like my husband and I are headed on this path. He is a night owl, and often falls asleep downstairs anyways…sometimes he doesn’t come to bed until 5 am when I am getting up from work! I’m a horrible snorer, so I see this in our future when we have more space.

  51. my husband started a new job earlier this year. he now gets up super early (and goes to bed earlier too) and drives 50 miles to his job. my husband sleeps in the guest bedroom during the week so he can get a full night’s rest and sneak out of the house in the morning without disturbing me and our 2 dogs sleeping in the king-sized bed (once the youngest dog is awake, EVERYONE is awake). i do any middle-of-the-night potty breaks without disturbing my husband. i work from home and my schedule is flexible so i can take a quick power nap during the day if needed. it’s a great arrangement for us.

  52. Hani says...

    I NEVER, EVER would have imagined wanting to sleep separately from my spouse. I always looked askance at couples who did and secretly assumed they must not be doing well.
    But…come actual marriage, actual kids….
    Separate sleeping arrangements evolved as pure survival.
    He likes a huge blanket even in the summer, and can fall asleep anywhere anytime as long as he has one. He’s also a super peppy early riser. (How?!?!)
    I need a cool, dark room with light covers and soft background noise. I need 1-2 hrs to have any interest in talking in the mornings.
    I’m taking care of our kids all day and nursing a little one; come nighttime, I’m so touched out and drained I just have to be by myself. The last thing I want is to be cuddling with Mr. Hot Blanket. ;D Bless his heart.
    He has to go to bed early and get up really early, so the last thing he wants is to be woken several times in the night when I wake up to nurse the baby.

    It took some time to come to terms with those facts; I found I judged myself for not being able to make sleeping together ‘work’, but…we, our whole family, just does so much better if we sleep separately! This works for us in this season. I provide no explanations to anyone. Let ’em wonder, let ’em judge!
    (Anyway, how fun is it to booty call your husband on weekends?!?)

    • Christina says...

      Best comment!

    • Chelsey says...

      Yup love this comment.

  53. Arielle says...

    Lately I feel like you all have been writing just for my life! I have a four week old baby, and that nursing top post was so helpful. And just a few days ago my partner and I started sleeping in separate rooms. I’m up 4-5 times throughout the night with the baby, and I feel safer co-sleeping when its just us two in bed- overall we just both sleep so much better if we’re in separate rooms right now. Plus, we had a lot of fun making each room into our own space. He put his music equipment in the guest room and made it into his own quiet studio/sleeping space and I went to target and bought a set of light pink sheets that I’ve been eyeing forever! It might not be a permanent arrangement but its working so well for us right now.

    • KB says...

      Aww I have a 4-week old baby too! Congrats!! We’re still sleeping in the same room. My husband can sleep through the nighttime feedings.

  54. Erin says...

    I love sharing a bed with my husband (and our dog) but we cannot share a bathroom! Before our current home, we have always shared small bathrooms with very little storage. My husband was always frustrated with the amount of products I have all over the place and I was always frustrated by who filthy he allows the bathroom to get. So when we bought our new house Hubs declared that he no longer wanted to share a bathroom. I was honestly a little hurt at first but now I absolutely love it. I love having my own private space and so does he. And we no longer fight about mundane bathroom related things!

    • Sasha says...

      I am so jealous!!!
      I’ve tried having my husband use the guest bath as “his” but then he just uses both, and let’s both get filthy.

  55. My parents have slept apart for almost my entire life, and they just celebrated their 40th anniversary this past April. They both snore, and my mom is a “sprawler” … so it’s just been way more comfortable for them to sleep separately!

    • Capucine says...

      My parents also slept separately my entire childhood. In their case, there was an undercurrent of unresolved issues that had the ultimate effect of landing me squarely in the WE SLEEP TOGETHER NO MATTER WHAT camp as an adult. (Ditto with sharing a closet.) It’s not a rational viewpoint I can back up, I just feel all is right with my world if he is rightthere, snoring away. I never the less can see the point for swing shift couples commenting here! And I did get a couch specifically comfortable for sitting up all night on with a sick child or a sick me, and have coughingly slept there many a time. But the twin beds or separate rooms…I can’t shake the feeling of underlying cracks hiding in the dark.

  56. brianna says...

    10 years ago I would have said no way to this, but now I have my routine and I like my space, so I’d be all about this. My love language is physical touch, though, so I would need some sort of touch (cuddles, whatever) each night, but otherwise, I am pro separate beds.

  57. Britney says...

    When I was a teenager I could literally hear my dad snoring through the floor in my parents room below mine. Family trips where we shared a hotel room were the worst. No one got good sleep. So no one in the family questioned why my mom moved into the spare bedroom. She has stayed there happily ever since. They’re high school sweethearts and have been married for almost 40 years. Do what works for you!

  58. Melody says...

    Ha, I love this. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about three years and are total opposites in terms of schedules and sleep patterns. For the most part it works since he works overnight during the week so I’m usually home alone at night to sleep in peace but weekends are a struggle. He likes to sleep in all day while I am up and watching tv/listening to music/crafting and generally just living my life lol.
    I love the idea of separate bedrooms although that’s not feasible for us at this moment. I always dream of having my own personal space to design as I please but still have him close. An artsy/bedroom for me and a gaming/bedroom for him. Open door policy of course lol.

  59. Stasha says...

    After 22 years we started sleeping in separate rooms to save my sanity and our marriage. My husband started snoring in the last couple of years and I couldn’t take it anymore. For many months it has been me who bumbled around in the night looking for a bed to sleep in (we have four kids). I was always grumpy and would wake up angry at my spouse. Now when he peeks his head into our room in the morning, i am so happy to see him!

  60. Meridith says...

    Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I have been married for two years, and we lived together for three years before that. During our first week of living together, I got banished to my own room. While I am a very active sleeper and nothing wakes me up, my husband is an incredibly light sleeper. So when I accidentally punched him square in the face one night, he didn’t take it so well. We both agree that beds are for sleeping. Plus we had been single for so long beforehand, that it is quite an adjustment to merge everything completely. We don’t have kids (yet), and we divide everything in and about our home in half. We each have our own bedrooms, bathrooms, and closets. He has a game room and I have a craft/art room. We do our own laundry. We have our own bank accounts. We alternate all chores and split all bills down the middle. This set up works for us. We are very independent people. This says it best, “Our relationship is built on many things — sharing a bed just isn’t one of them.” I imagine that when children come into the picture, our life will look a lot different, but for now, we couldn’t imagine it any other way.

    • Amanda says...

      My husband and I are the exact same way! We’ve been together for 8 years, married for one, and I’m happy to say not much changed after we got married. We’re both independent people who like to do our own things our own way. It works for us, and I’m glad to see it’s more normal than I thought :)

    • Laughed out loud to punching him – I can relate! I don’t think I’ve punched my bf (yet) but I’m definitely active and a very deep sleeper lol.

    • Lisa says...

      I feel you (or rather, I get your husband, kinda): Twice in the last few weeks have I rolled myself eye-first into my boyfriend’s elbow – as weird as that may sound.
      Right now, I live in another town for work, and I’m only home for the weekends, so even though I kinda struggle sharing a queen bed right now, I’d never sleep somewhere else.
      When we’re together again, though (he’ll get a job in my new town soon, hopefully), I’d like to have a guest/second bedroom, so I can sleep there in case I am sick, or when I can’t deal with his ever-changing shifts.

  61. I love sharing a bed with my husband, but because I go to sleep much earlier he “tucks me in” each night and I actually find it harder to fall asleep if he’s in bed with me! I do have to say that the idea of sneaking down to the other’s room for sex is totally cute!

    • MK says...

      OMG, SAME. There’s something comforting about knowing someone is still up as I drift off. (In case of what? Home invaders? IDK) We usually have sex during the daytime, so separate beds at night would have zero impact on sexy times.
      I will say as an aside, though- my husband would LOVE to sleep separately, and I would not. Circumstances don’t permit us to do that right now, but I may give it a shot in the future if they ever do. I could see us doing this as empty nesters one day.

  62. Sasha says...

    We slept in the same bed forever (kids too when they were little), then when our oldest moved out, my husband moved to her queen bed in an other room. I loved it!! He didn’t. I think it felt weird to him and he worries more what others might think. But he snores, and we have three bed sharing dogs….so I was pretty happy.
    In the spirit of compromise, we moved his queen next to my queen in our bedroom and this is perfect for us. We have plenty of space, so happy pups, I run sound machines (3!!) to drown out the snoring, we have our own bedding (I’m cold, he’s hot).
    Now the extra room is my meditation and yoga space :)
    When we camp in our pop up, we still sleep in separate beds, but for back packing we squeeze in together and he keeps me warm. But no one sleeps.

    Thank you for this post & all of the great comments too. I love it when we can normalize what seems outside the norm. As long as everyone is happy right?

  63. Abigail says...

    Thank you for this! My boyfriend and I sleep seperately, and while I know it’s best for us, having well-meaning friends and society pushback against it is frustrating. My boyfriend snores, cocoons in the blanket, and tosses and turns. I elbow, push, and summon the voice of a demon when I’m woken/uncomfortable in the middle of the night. None of this is good for our relationship or our personal health, but sleeping separately is.

  64. Erica says...

    Our game changer was incorporating the European habit of separate bed linens. I saw a post here a year or so ago noting the use of individual comforters. Although it’s not exactly the same, we use two twin duvets on our king bed with only a fitted sheet covering the entire mattress. I was constantly fighting for cover from my husband and two shih tzus. We both admit we get much better sleep now than ever. My family, our housekeeper and some friends know we do this and they think we are nuts. However, it doesn’t look very polished. If we have company, we will toss the twins in the closet and pull out a trusty king duvet to make it look more presentable. One of our neighbors traveled to Sweden last year and noted how tiny their individual shared covers were confirming my decision to not trim our twins down.

    • Susan Magnolia says...

      My partner and I recently did this same thing a few years ago and it was a game changer. For years I would go to sleep first then roll myself into our shared duvet. By the time he came to sleep it would be a problem. It’s was such a simple fix it is funny it took so us so long to come up with the solution.

  65. Rose says...

    Ugh, this would be a dream for me. I sleep so terribly because I am a night-owl and my husband is an early bird. We don’t wake up together, but his rising is enough to throw off my sleep. But I won’t even suggest separate beds because my husband is always telling me how much he loves sleeping together and how snuggling up in bed is his favourite part of the day. I’ve been making an effort to shift to his sleep schedule so I’m not angry every morning.

  66. Mimi says...

    We have been married ten years and have slept in separate rooms for nearly 4 years. My husband snores (I can sometimes hear him through the wall!!) and I am a light sleeper (with misophonia, to boot!). The only time this situation is difficult is when we are traveling and staying at someone’s house. When we have to sleep in the same bed/room I am inevitably full of rage the next morning. Still love my husband, just can’t stand the sound of his “sleep sounds” :)

    • Katie says...

      Wow, Mimi. Me too! I’m single, not yet married. And I am worried that my feelings of actual rage in reaction to sounds (snoring is WAY up there) will ruin my chance at a happy relationship.

      This makes me feel better. :)

    • Yeah, me too Katie! So glad to read this!

  67. Alice says...

    Honestly couples who feel secure enough in their relationship to sleep separately probably have a stronger, healthier bond and more respect for each other than couples whose entire relationship depends on them sharing a bed (and thus being sexually available constantly)

    • Capucine says...

      Maybe. But also, maybe not…my parents slept apart supposedly because he liked firm mattresses and she liked squishy ones that hurt his back…but man, oh man, the baggage beneath they were not seeing!

  68. Maranda says...

    I’m admittedly not married, but this is something that I could see coming up in mine and my partners life later on. We’ve been living together for 2 years and we have VERY different living styles- I’m in bed by 10 PM predictably and I need a completely pitch black room and silence to fall asleep, whereas he likes to have the light and sound of a show on and comes into bed at sporadic times. Right now things are working out with me wearing a sleep mask and him using an iPad and headphones to watch a show. We have a futon in our guest bedroom that we use if we’re ever having issues falling asleep or if we’re out late and don’t want to disturb the other. I could see these things changing as we get older, grow our family, etc so it’s good to hear about other options and have it be normalized.

  69. It’s funny – my husband and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past week or so because I’ve been experiencing light insomnia and he wakes up super early for work every morning (5:30 a.m., on the dot), so I don’t want to disturb him … and we miss sleeping with each other so much! The other night, I ended up falling asleep cuddled up to him before moving to the guest bedroom when I woke up with insomnia. We have a super kingsize bed, which helps, as it really gives us the space to move around if necessary (we’re not the world’s tallest people e.g. vertically challenged), and sometimes we don’t even touch each other if we’re starfish-ing! But one of the sweetest things I miss, is the way my husband gently flips me over like a pancake in the middle of the night if I snore. I feel so bad and don’t know that I’m doing it, but he’ll do this thing where he’ll just scoop under my shoulder and flip me over like a spatula! It’s so funny (though he probably doesn’t find it as amusing as I’m a repeat offender!).

  70. Amanda says...

    I love this non-judgmental exploration of the individuality of relationships. It is very inspiring! My parents were divorced for 11 years, and then they remarried each other. In that time apart, they developed completely different sleeping habits—my mother can only fall asleep with the TV on (a defense against loneliness in their early years of being apart), and my father can only sleep if a fan is roaring above his head—no matter what the season or temperature. It’s definitely a struggle for them, and now that all of their kids are out of the house, I could absolutely see them sleeping in separate rooms. I, on the other hand, adore sleeping with my husband. It’s one of our favorite parts of the day, and I am very blessed that he allows me to starfish on top of him, wrapping my limbs wherever I can find an opening. When he’s away on business, though, I stay stock still in my sleep—the other side of the bed stays completely made. Sleep is a highly individual thing, so big kudos to couples who have found what works for them, and refuse to let “norms” dictate their sleeping ritual.

    • Kristy says...

      I would love to hear more about your parent’s divorce and then remarriage!

  71. Katie Larissa says...

    Personally, I sleep terribly without being curled up next to my husband. We spoon or generally tangle ourselves together all night, and I feel so safe and intimate with him. Waking up to nurse the baby and then slipping back into his arms is almost my favorite part of the whole day.
    However, my sister’s husband snored so loudly before getting sinus surgery that sleeping together almost ruined their marriage. To each her own!!

    • Max says...

      I’ve had insomnia my entire life and never slept comfortably with another person in bed. The first ‘sleepover’ with my partner he spooned me and I slept the most perfect deep sleep. We both woke up feeling rested and refreshed, and haven’t had a problem sleeping since. Almost the opposite- as soon as we get into our cuddle position I will fall asleep instantaneously :) When we visit his parents and have to sleep in little twin trundle beds neither of us sleeps well. Who knows if time, kids, or anything else will change this but it’s pretty much a miracle for me so I will enjoy every night.

  72. Heidi says...

    My husband goes to sleep later than I do and he has a deviated septum, which causes him to snore and has gotten worse as he’s gotten older. I’m also a light sleeper and a tosser/turner. Although we used to sleep together, we stopped after having a baby because I’d have to get up to feed baby 2-3 times a night, causing my husband to wake. I was on maternity leave but he had to work, so he went into the guest room and I stayed with our wonderful king sized bed. The cat then got used to sleeping with him and she cries and scratches the door if he sleeps in the master with me. So we both discussed it and decided we were more rested and overall in better health sleeping on our own. We watch shows together and this is our main opportunity to segue into intimacy (among other opportunities such as toddler nap time). I miss mostly the morning snuggles with him (I always go to sleep before he does so no night snuggles) but because we get up so early for work and commute together, it does help with getting to work on time that we don’t have the morning snuggle temptations. We were always late to work when we slept in the same bed! Whatever works….

  73. Love this! We’ve been sleeping separately since I was pregnant with my first 4 years ago and I have never slept better. He likes to stay up late and sleep in, I like to go to bed early and wake early. Our kids like to sleep with my and take naps with him. It may not make sense to most people, but it’s what works for us.

  74. Jill says...

    My husband and I last year upgraded to a king-sized bed, which was amazing for needed our own space to spread out. But even better- we bought twin sheets and blankets so that each of us has our own sheets to snuggle into. I used to wake up regularly when my husband would roll over because he would “unroll” me from my half of our blanket. This has BY FAR been the best sleep aid I can imagine. We don’t really care about making the bed in the morning, but I bought a pretty king-sized quilt for when company comes over that I can lay on top and none is the wiser. If you think separate beds/rooms might be too extreme for what you want, I highly recommend separate sheets and blankets on a king bed. Best of both worlds.

  75. Gina says...

    Thank you thank you for addressing this issue. My husband and I have slept apart for years and it is something we’ve always kept secret like it’s shameful. It started when he was struggling with insomnia and again when we had newborns. He also snores like a freight train so it just became the norm to sleep apart. He sleeps in the guest room and I sleep in the master on the same floor as the kids. I don’t believe it dampens our sex life and we sleep SO much better apart. Traveling is our hardest obstacle. When friends suggest a spontaneous trip or family wants us to visit I initially get a little panicked. If I don’t sleep well I am not fun to be around. When we travel with the kids on our own we often get two rooms, a boys room for my husband and son, and a girls room for my daughter and me. But we don’t know how to navigate traveling just the two of us with other people without the judgment. People hear separate rooms and believe your marriage is in trouble.

  76. Rachel says...

    My aunt and uncle slept in separate bedrooms. I used to visit them in the summer and always thought it strange until I asked my aunt and she explained it was because of snoring, her husband’s late nights at work and occasional insomnia patterns. They had one of the most connected and passionate relationships I have ever seen! But, my family also has a summer cabin and many of the rooms have two twin beds, my same aunt told me that the generations before us (ie. my great grandparents) never slept together – that it was just how it was..side by side in twin beds for their whole marriage!

  77. Before my husband and I separated(ish) we are sleeping in a different room because he got night terrors. He would flip over and shriek like someone is trying to kill him in his sleep and talk while still asleep with his eyes open. Then when he wakes up he would just go back to sleep. He would do this 2x a night so we need to sleep separately because its so scary for me.

  78. This is so fascinating! My parents (in their 60’s now) sleep in separate rooms, and have done so for years now. My mum is a very light sleeper and my Dad is one of those guttural snoring types, so this arrangement has suited them fine for years. And I get it, I sooo get it. The nights where my other half snores for England, I prefer to move to the spare room rather than unsuccessfully kick him under the covers. Isn’t it strange how sharing a bed is seen as a sign of a stable and loving relationship?

  79. Karen says...

    I think everyone should choose what works for them, but personally I could never imagine sleeping in a separate room or even a separate bed than my husband. I love lying next to him, cuddling, talking, just being close. And of course one can do all these things any other time of the day, but for us that time together just before we go to sleep, sharing a bed and sleeping next to each other is important.

    • Sasha says...

      I’m guessing that all of the folks who say similarly, that they love sleeping together, don’t have husbands who snore. :)

    • Capucine says...

      My husband snores loudly and I am fine with it. I think, on reflection, that it bothers me less than most wives because he falls asleep after me generally so I’m already adrift; hearing it in my half-sleep reassures me all is well in my world and his, as he doesn’t snore if he’s perturbed over something.

    • Agnes says...

      Is it just me then?? I find snoring to be like white noise! Doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but I imagine that might be because I didn’t have my own bed til I was 12. I can sleep anywhere, anytime, any noise, as long as it’s consistent noise ;)

  80. Andrea says...

    just divorced from a super-restless sleeper and insomniac, who would wake up two hours into sleep with an agitated fight/flight response, often directed at me. He also wanted me to go to bed with him for “pillow talk,” although I tend to stay up late, and got angry when I didn’t want to do that. All of it made nighttime so wretched! I’d get resentful about his sleep-kicking and -bouncing, resentful that my own nighttime needs for solitude got minimized, and anxious that he’d wake up and direct anger at me. It is such a blessing to be alone at night now. If I find someone new, guessing I will need to be creative about nighttime arrangements for my own peace of mind!

  81. My boyfriend and I met when we were flatmates during university times, so we had our own rooms from the start and no intention to change that. I had a bigger bed, so sleep-overs usually happened in my room.
    When we moved to another apartment we tried the bedroom-office-setting for a week or so, but it did not work out at all. We both need a lot of alone-time and get really grumpy if we cannot get that (me sooner than him).
    We can always sleep in the same bed if we want to, but I think it’s nice to have the choice.

  82. Stef says...

    My (happily married) parents haven’t lived together in 22 years. They live about 30 minutes away from each other, have keys to the other’s houses, go out for dinners, travel together…I really think that not living together saved their marriage.

    • Oh how interesting! I’ve always said that human beings were never meant to co-habitate. At our id we’re just too focused on being the apex being and sharing is not our forte lol. I don’t know if I could live apart from my bf in practice but as an introvert I can definitely appreciate the perks (my own space, my own decorating style, lots of room for all my stuff, can play my own music as loud as I want haha).

    • Sharon in Scotland says...

      I am not married, but I’ve shared my bed with various snorers and have dreamt about living in a separate house. never mind about separate rooms I love the idea of having my own complete space, clearing up after myself, cooking my kind of food etc and meeting up with my beloved when we both want to meet up. Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton had separate houses, but right next to each other. It’s good to know this arrangement works in the real world, with real people.

    • Meg says...

      I’ve dreamed about separate houses since I saw the movie Frida, in which Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera are portrayed as living in separate houses that are connected by an upper-level walkway. Yes! Ideal (if you can afford to keep two houses).

    • Stef says...

      Yes! Perhaps their living situation has permanently colored my perception of cohabitation, but I’m not sure I could ever live with someone long-term again. Ideal to me would be 2 apartments in the same building, although that does require the financial means to do so.

  83. Meg says...

    We’ve slept apart since I was pregnant with our first. It’s the best! When we are both well-rested I totally get laid more. To make up for the lack of cuddles, we spend an hour-ish in bed together either reading aloud or watching netflix on a laptop, usually without clothes. I feel like I get more out of this intimacy because it’s intentional and so I don’t resent it for keeping me awake. Because if there is anything that can make me seethe hatred toward the person I love the most in the world, it’s being kept awake. We also have weekend sleepovers, which are sweet but make us so glad to go our separate ways again on Monday and sleep through night again. Romance is what works!

    • Sasha says...

      Yep!! I’m not a nice person the fourth time I’ve been woken by snoring, and it’s not even midnight yet.

    • Christina says...

      Oh I like the idea of reading/Netflix together (naked)!!

    • Meg says...

      Also, our “rooms” are next to each other, and we have a special “wanna do it?” knock that IS SO FUN TO HEAR even when it wakes you up in the middle of the night. Like, why is that so funny and exciting? I don’t know. I love it.

  84. I don’t think I could survive if I slept with my partner every night. I really like sleeping alone. We’ve been together for 10 years and don’t live together, which is a whole other level of explanations. People assume we live together (we’re in our late 40’s early 50’s and have both had previous relationships). But as other people have said you do what works for you. My parents don’t understand it. They’ve been married for over 50 years and always shared a bed. I always thought that was how married life should be. But now I realise that I have to do what works for me and not worry what other people think or try to emulate a societal norm that clearly doesn’t work for a lot of people.

  85. I very much prefer sleeping in the same bed. In fact, often one can’t manage to fall asleep without the other. We never really cuddle up before or after we fall asleep (in fact, one hairy leg against mine can count on a firm nudge) but we both feel we need eachother’s presence in every other way.

    Of course we catered to this, by getting the largest standardized bed we could find (with lits-jumeux sheets). This is also necessary because we’re Dutch, and the Mister is 6,4″. We also often sleep with different bedding, since the Mister runs a little warmer. So in that aspect, I do understand why the people you describe cater to their needs. But I got to admit, I personally keep hearing that tiny troubled voice in the back of my mind. “These people will grow apart, seperate beds are seperate minds”. I guess because the concept of succesfully sleeping apart is so foreign to me.

  86. Elizabeth N. says...

    Shortly after marriage, I mentioned to my husband that we would be sleeping in separate rooms if his snoring kept me up all the time. He was completely against the idea because it went against everything he had seen his parents do and everything he had been taught. But my parents slept separately because of snoring so I was much more open to the idea. Thankfully the snoring wasn’t consistent and stopped a year or two later. 7 years later and he is the one that hardly seems to sleep in the bed for one reason or another, including how hot our room gets without A/C (part of Hawaii living). What’s the point in not having two rooms if he is always on the couch? I would think (hope?) his perspective and opinions have changed a bit.

  87. Jodi says...

    Queen bed, king sized duvet & an eye mask for my early to sleep fella & we are happy sleepers. I would be sad to sleep without him at my side every night!

  88. Jessica says...

    My grandparents had separate bedrooms and my mom said it was that way her whole life. I never found it odd. In fact, when we would come stay, my grandma would give up her bedroom for our family and go sleep with my grandpa in his room. They had 5 kids and were married for over 60 years, so I would definitely say seperate bedrooms worked for them.

    On the opposite end, my husband is a heavy sleeper, so me watching tv to fall asleep at night doesn’t bother him. And we both like the room really cold, so we are happy sharing a room. But I can totally get why people wouldn’t. Sleep is important.

  89. jen says...

    Those old tv shows had it right with those twin beds! Married 25 years, I sleep in the bedroom and he sleeps on the couch. Visits in the night at times. He is a snorer and I need my sleep.

  90. My ex had a huge snoring problem, and I always joked that we would need two separate bedrooms if we ever lived together. I would head for the couch most nights, when it got really bad. Now that I am with someone else, I am rediscovering the joy of sleeping with another person, of how special it is to wake up next to someone and watch them sleeping quietly. I think both variations work for me, but I personally really prefer sleeping together in the same bed.

    My best friend’s grandparents actually built two houses directly next to each other because they liked their alone time so much and each had distinct tastes in decoration and style. They ended up moving into one of the houses together in their 60s, but they continued sleeping separately even then (they turned the spare house into a B&B). The houses are so totally different in every way that it seemed to have been the only reasonable thing that they each get their own house! They each had tooo much personality to be contained in just one house :-)

    • Sasha says...

      I love this story!!! And would love to have separate houses if finances would allow :(

  91. kim says...

    great post. husband snores. i stay up late. three kids. it’s bliss when I get to crash out in my study. I’d love to make it the norm.

  92. M says...

    I had no idea couples did this. I’d be crushed if my husband even suggested sleeping apart. Very interesting to read!

  93. Rachel says...

    Sleeping in separate rooms has been our new awesome ‘norm’ for the past 4 years. Been married 18! We are both rested and enjoy the down time in our own little spaces before sleep! Works for us..who cares where you sleep? If you are well rested then you are less grumpy…much better for everyone!

    • Lily says...

      Ageeed! Who cares? You’re unconscious anyway! Thanks to this post for saying it out in the open! It’s the best way to go ;-)

  94. Thank you so much for normalizing this, Joanna. I’m 42 but only married 4 years (to a partner 13 years older on his second marriage). We used to sleep together…and now, do not (though we spend most waking hours side-by-side, are business partners and best friends, and talk to each other more than anyone else in this world!).

    We have VERY different sleeping preferences – especially when it comes to temperature. Plus, he snores and I have a life-long history of light sleeping + insomnia. Oh, yeah, and I stay up later.

    Sleep is so important – truly affects EVERYTHING. But I’m new-ish at marriage and have been feeling very weird and like a failure around this.

    Again, thank you.

  95. Danielle Gomez says...

    What a great post, thank you! We have 3 kids aged 16,13 and 6. We’re co-sleepers, which can be very challenging for alone time! When pregnant with #3, the bed was too full so I moved to the guest bed during my 3rd trimester to help my sleep, along with the rest of the family. Once baby came, no one was ready to leave the family bed so baby and I stayed in “our room”. We now only have our 6 year old co sleeping but with insomnia, differing bed times and teenagers wanting to talk later at night it helps that one of us puts youngest to bed and the other gets free time and availability to tend to big kids. As a bonus, it makes for exciting and sneaky escapes to the guest room ;)

  96. Lynn says...

    We’ve been married 32 years and have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past 12 or so. A big reason was my husbands work schedule, he rotated shifts and would wake me at odd hours. Also, snoring was problematic on his part. We both sleep better, I like it cold and tons of blankets, him the opposite! If we want to have sex, one of us will just go to the others bedroom!

  97. My husband and I have always slept separately, for 14 years now. It began because of snoring/restless leg syndrome/ etc. After we had kids, I became the lightest sleeper in history. I often wake up from people breathing ‘too loud’. Having our own rooms is lovely in so many ways, but I admit missing the bonding that comes in those final minutes before sleep, when our brains are soft and somehow more tender. :)

    • Krista says...

      I am such a light sleeper too, and I have to sleep with a fan to drown out other noises. When I tell people this they usually say, “Oh, does your husband snore?” I say, “No, he breathes.” :) I would love to have my own room, we just don’t have the space :(

  98. Alyssa says...

    My husband snores…LOUDLY…and also doesn’t get home from work until 2am. We started sleeping separately when our son was born and I couldn’t deal with him waking/keeping us up more than I already was throughout the night. Almost 3 years later, everyone is still sleeping much better (I with our son, my husband in spare room.) It really just works for us, for now. I don’t really see it as permanent, or any type of issue people should be worried about! Happy wife, happy life. Reading all of these comments, I wasn’t expecting so many to be in the same boat as us!

  99. Holly says...

    Sleeping arrangements have been an evolution in our home due to allergies/snoring, pregnancy complications, babies, and my police officer husband’s work schedule and irregular hours. Somewhere along the way he jokingly named our guest room the “rejection room” because it is where he ends up sleeping when his snoring gets too loud or if he needs to sleep in complete darkness/silence to prepare for or recover from a crazy shift during times when I still need access to our bedroom. You gotta do what works – sleep is not something to skimp on and everyone is happier when they’ve had some shut-eye.

  100. My husband and son go to sleep together in my son’s room, and then my husband gets up and does his work, cleans the kitchen, and watches his programs on Netflix. He often goes back and forth between the couch and our older son’s room. I sleep with our baby in a queen bed in the bedroom. My older son used to sleep with me mostly and sometimes in his room with his Dad, until I was pregnant last year and needed the space. Plus, my husband snores. He also falls asleep in a minute, just like you, Joanna, and I tend to ruminate for awhile. I’ve heard on the radio that more houses than ever are being designed with two master bedrooms. That’s the best idea!

  101. Tyler says...

    my husband and i both sleep like logs lol. hasn’t been an issue but things may change over the years. we also don’t have the option spatially – currently sharing a tiny apartment!

  102. Rebecca says...

    I actually sleep better WITH my husband even though he sometimes snores. We’ve lived together almost 10 years now so if he snores, I poke him, and he automatically knows to roll over. If I’m sleeping alone he’s either, out with friends, so I don’t sleep well because I know he’s coming home and will prob wake me up, but I don’t know when so I toss and turn, or he’s out of town for work, and then I always feel a little on edge being the only adult home at night (at34!). Anyway, I like when he’s home and will agree to go to bed with me nice and early! Haha! He always falls asleep within seconds anyway.

    • Kirsten says...

      This is so me! I’m a light sleeper/take forever to fall asleep and sometimes my husband’s snoring/loud breathing really bothers me, but I find that when he’s not there I can’t sleep for exactly the same reasons. I definitely can’t sleep due to the anticipation of when he’ll come into bed (and likely waken me inadvertently) when he’s up late. And usually when he’s out of town for a business trip or something I have like one night of luxuriating in my alone-ness, but then for the rest of the time it just feels weird going to sleep without him.

  103. I adore this post. In past relationships, I’ve always felt claustrophobic sharing the bed every night. I’m now single again and am so happy with my feminine bedroom (not to mention my clean sheets and treasured alone time :)). This post makes me think maybe I’ll have both one day—a private bedroom sanctuary and a relationship with someone who values separateness, too. :)

  104. Lauren says...

    We do both – usually we sleep together, but I have my own girly bedroom where I sometimes go if I can’t put a book down, or if one of us can’t sleep or is sick and coughing a lot, or if I just want to be by myself – it works great! I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone though, for fear they’d think we were fighting or something :)

    Sharing a bed with the man of my dreams AND still having a high school-style bedroom is just the best.

    • Luna GC says...

      I am so jealous.

  105. jill says...

    my dream is adjoining bedrooms: two master bedrooms with en suites, joined by a double door. ahhh, the bliss! As a teen I dreamt a little larger: Two homes, side by side on one large lush property! Perhaps connected by a long, glass breezeway.

    • jen says...

      Wow. We have friends who live in houses next door to each other–beeen together 30 years.

  106. I love this! I am a light sleeper and one who likes to go to bed early and get a good 8-9 hours in. My husband is restless often at night, and goes to bed anytime between 10 and 2…which is too big a gap for me. But, I felt so guilty when we were sleeping apart…worrying that this wasn’t the norm. We switched to two duvets which has been SOOOO helpful, but there are still nights we end up sleeping separately so that we can at least get some good sleep apart!

  107. I love having my husband sleeps next to me (i think because I’m the bed and duvet hogger instead of him). Can’t say the same about him though lol!

  108. Maureen says...

    We usually start out in the same bed but he snores and I have fibromyalgia so sleeping isn’t always the easiest for me. I also get hot in the middle of the night so I usually end up going to the guest room and trying to fall back to sleep there.

  109. Lauren says...

    Stephanie’s comment about her parents totally hit home for me! My husband usually stays up way later than I do and falls asleep in the basement, and I’ve always been a little embarrassed that I kind of prefer having the bed to myself. My mom judges, but when I was growing up my dad would get such intense night terrors that he once KNOCKED A SHELF OFF THE WALL AND ONTO HER HEAD and they STILL share a bed! Who’s the crazy one here?!

    • Rachel says...

      love that story!

    • Hahaha me too!

  110. Becky says...

    My husband travels for work so often that when he is home we sleep as close as humanly possible and We love it! I do love to stretch across the king size bed in starfish sleep style when I have the bed to myself though! Best of both worlds!

  111. Anna says...

    We sleep together about half of the time & my husband sleeps in the living room or guest room the other half. He just crashes wherever. I fantasize about sharing a duplex – each with our own side – because he’s really disorganized and I like things to be neat!

    • Holly says...

      I have thought the same thing about sharing a duplex with my husband! It could even be kind of romantic and fun, like “your place or mine?” Haha. And the answer would usually be my place because I would know the sheets would be fresh and clean! :)

  112. Libbynan says...

    As my husband and I have aged, our perfect sleeping temps have diverged significantly. We have now been sleeping apart for over ten years. I would really prefer to sleep together, but we just can’t comfortably. It’s easier for me to start out in a different room than to move in the middle of the night. We have both adjusted to sleeping separately and there are many pluses. I don’t bother him when I have to read myself to sleep and I’m undisturbed when he gets up at 5:00 am to check the markets. I don’t pretend that having separate bedrooms is ideal, but sometimes it is the only option and can save a marriage.

  113. teeny says...

    I love this article! My husband and I were married for 13 years before we started sleeping separately.  Ironically, we started our relationship sleeping together on a sofa then upgraded to a twin bed then onto a queen after we were married and now it’s separate beds lol!

    He is a chronic, very LOUD snorer and he would wake me multiple times per night truly disrupting the quality of my sleep and affecting my mood and cognition the next day. I tried several measures such as ear plugs, sound machines, nasal strips for him, etc but nothing worked to drown it out.  It caused me a horrible amount of sleep anxiety and resentment towards him.

    When we first started sleeping apart it seemed like a temporary solution to an aggravating problem but after seeing how well rested we both were, and how having even just two hours at the end of the night to ourselves can help replenish us it is unlikely we will go back anytime soon.

  114. Emma says...

    Our son was born this past New Year’s Eve and was extremely colicky for months! My husband was so, so sweet and slept in the nursery with him and only got me when he needed to eat. We bought a baby monitor a couple of weeks ago and began sleeping in the same bed again. After a few nights of NO sleep and waking up to every little sound on the monitor while my husband snoozed, I timidly (not wanting to force him back into the nursery) said, “I kind of liked the way things were before.” My husband responded, “I’ve been waiting all week to hear you say that! I’m not sleeping at all!” The boys are reunited in the nursery again. Now we just dream of the day that our baby sleeps through the night and we dream of getting a king sized bed to accommodate my newfound taste for space. Who knows what our sleeping arrangements will be in the future, but right now sleep is too precious of a commodity for us to jeopardize it even for a second!

  115. Lauren O says...

    Maybe this is a result of my PTSD from Year One of parenthood with a baby who thought sleeping was for suckers, never fell asleep (not even once) in the car, never fell asleep (not even once) in her stroller, has never taken more than an hour nap, etc. — but I honestly think that the success of my marriage going forward will hinge entirely on one question: whether my husband and I are able to get enough sleep. When I am sleep deprived I am a hollow shell of my former self and I act like a Disney villain. He’s not much better. When we are both getting enough sleep, we are kinder, more generous, more willing to assume the best in each other’s intentions, and of course much better parents to our daughter.

    We currently sleep in a King bed in our living room – we gave our toddler the bedroom in our one bedroom apartment. Totally worth it.

    • Luna GC says...

      Identical to my experience with our 2nd child.

    • Sasha says...

      Man, I’m sorry about the no sleep no how baby :( I bet she’ll be an awesome teenager (based on my very scientific study of my chill baby, and her subsequent evil teen years).

      I had to laugh at your “disney villain” comment! Since I became a mom, I’ve pictured my self as Malificent when I’m cranky, and Mary Poppins when I’m on good behavior :) No sleep definitely brings out the Malificent.

    • Lauren says...

      Yes! IMO sleep is underrated if it isn’t a top-3 priority in a marriage -seriously! It’s not as “compelling” as working on communication and trust and reciprocity, but you don’t need to be as good at those if you’ve simply had enough sleep to be a decent person. Love reading someone else who gets it : )

  116. Emma says...

    Nope! There is absolutely no other point to being in a relationship. If my husband has a hard time sleeping and moves to the couch, I go squish next to him on the couch. There will be no ditching this barnacle.

    • Emma says...

      From another Emma–this made me crack up. Not sure if you are joking or not, but if not, I have to agree! I just moved in with my fellow so who knows what will happen in years to come, but right now I definitely feel better rested when I sleep–and wake up–with him. I get home from work around 11pm and he wakes up at 6am, so on those days we really only see each other right before bed and on waking. We have plenty of alone and separate time the rest of the day. Neither one of us likes or needs a ton of sleep–6 or 7 hours is good. When we can “sleep in” we still wake up before 8.

    • Liz says...

      I can’t fall asleep unless my husband is in bed next to me….we somehow fall asleep every night spooning! I’m lucky he doesn’t snore!

    • Capucine says...

      This CRACKED ME UP! This is me. We’re together to be together, there will be no ditching this barnacle either! Nearing twenty years together and that ten years of babyhood there in the middle…I can’t curl up in his arms alone and babyless enough, I swear. Barnacle. Him too, though. Two-way barnacling. Wait, do they do that? Stick to eachother permanently instead of pilings? ME.

  117. Allison says...

    My husband was listening to a podcast where a dad on the show mentioned sleeping in a separate bed from his wife. They take turns alternating each night – one night he sleeps in the nursery and his wife sleeps in their master bed, the next night they swap. We don’t have babies yet but we are seriously considering this when that time comes. That way one partner always gets good sleep and you can share the load.

  118. Becca says...

    My husband and I have slept in separate bedrooms since before we were married (even in a one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn where one of us took the bedroom and the other would use the living room.) It works wonderfully for us and I feel so lucky to have a bed all to myself. The only person who ever made a comment about it was my Mom – she said “don’t you think you should at least start off your marriage in the same bed.” (Insert eye roll – total Mom comment!) Most people I tell are jealous or I get asked a lot of questions about logistics, haha. I do wonder what will happen when my 2 year old daughter gets older and invites her friends over – will they think her parents are really weird? I hope she doesn’t get any flak for it!

  119. My husband and I have gone to bed at the same time almost our entire marriage. We watch TV for a bit before going to sleep and usually fall asleep around the same time. I will admit I do love falling asleep next to him!!

    However, he snores, LOL. When first falling asleep I don’t notice it, but if I wake up in the middle of the night (which ALWAYS happens with three little kids) I have trouble getting back to sleep because of his racket. But, I do like having him next to me so I just put a pillow over my head and hope for the best, lol!!

    -Sarah

  120. Olga says...

    Yes!! Thank you for posting this. I keep telling my husband we should do it (separate bedrooms) but he thinks I’m crazy…

  121. Laura says...

    My husband and I honeymooned in Switzerland, and in two of the three hotels we were in, we had a king bed with two twin duvets. I’d never thought of that before, and it was brilliant!! I love totally wrapping myself in the duvet .. not really leaving much for my husband! We love the idea so much, I got online and ordered two ikea twin duvets to be delivered to us even before we got home from the honeymoon.

    As far as the aesthetics of making the bed, we have a queen and use a bottom sheet, but no top sheet. Usually, the duvets just get folded in half the long way and left side-by-side. My husband does like to get creative with some origami bed-making some mornings, though!

  122. Laura C. says...

    Very interesting post snd comments, my dear ladies. We sleep together, but I have very light sleep. We could try this, but I think my husband won’t be willing

  123. Eleanor says...

    I can totally understand! My husband is a… cling on, where I need need need alone time. He snores, tosses and turns and wakes at 5am. He gets upset if/when I go to the guest bed and he doesn’t sleep well as a result but I end up getting amazing nights sleep that way. So if both people are on the same page I definitely get how it works! We are intimate at other times so I don’t think it’d affect that aspect of our marriage.

  124. Claire says...

    My husband and I like separate beds but still like being in the same room. We just need space when we sleep, so we bought a queen size bed and a separate twin bed and pushed them together so we have our separate space. Now we just have an awkwardly large bed in our apartment, but no one seems to notice.

  125. Sadie says...

    Yes! This is the best. I love not sleeping with my husband- he steals the duvet, likes it too hot and is a grump if he gets awakened in the night. Plus I hated being asked for sex when I was already falling asleep while we were watching something in bed and it’s exciting to go to his room for adult time. My parents probably think there’s something wrong bc even when we visit them he sleeps in the bunk beds with our daughter but my friends think it’s great.

  126. My grandparents slept apart (a very traditional couple who raised kids in the 50s), so I’ve never found this to be weird! My grandpa gave my grandma foot rubs every night, and I decided that has to be what love looks like! That they slept in beds didn’t matter at all.

  127. Kate says...

    We also sleep separately. My husband tucks me in each night so that’s when we’ll read/chat/fool around and then he retires to the guest room. I don’t feel worried about it, but I still sometimes feel embarrassed when my kids out us to strangers/teachers/etc. (I.e. I left my homework in my “dad’s bedroom.”)

  128. Julie says...

    Yay, so glad this post exists after that initial discussion! I didn’t want to sound shallow in my comment on the original post, but…aesthetics and feel of the room are definitely a plus of the situation. If I want to buy floral sheets and light an incredibly overly fragrant Anthropologie candle and have a humidifier going all night and listen to my particular shade of white noise…it doesn’t bug him, because he’s in his room. :)

  129. Laura says...

    My husband and I have been married for 12 years (no kids) and started sleeping in separate rooms about 3-4 years ago. It started due to his intense snoring. I am a very light sleeper and am very sensitive to getting a good nights sleep. Also, he is a night owl and will often wake up in the middle of the night, open up his computer and start working! As far as sex is concerned, I love going into his masculine room. I love his dark charcoal masculine sheets, dark furniture and framed black and white photos. It feels sexy to me. Then I retreat to my pale, light room. And vice versa. He loves coming into my feminine room. We both keep necessary accoutrements in our bedside tables. It works for us. We both get sleep on our own schedules.
    I am not public about our sleeping arrangement for fear of being judged. The only people that know about it are our housekeeper and my best friend! And of course our dog. :)

  130. Helen says...

    My husband and I are the opposite, we have terrible sleep if we aren’t in the same bed. I can be an anxious dreamer, and having him there in the middle of the night to curl around helps keep all that at bay. Touch is also my love language, and between work and 3 kids we’re lucky to just brush against one another during the day haha. Night time snuggles are my favorite part of the day. But we also have evening alone time, where he works out and I read or take a relaxing bath, which is also very treasured (and probably ending soon with a newborn). However, my parents slept in seperate beds their whole marriage, so I don’t find the idea of separate bedrooms weird at all! I think every couple just needs to find what works best for them.

    • Carrie says...

      Touch is my love language too, and I think that’s a big part of why I treasure bed time as well! I’m filled with all sorts of good feelings when my husband and I finally get to snuggle down in our cozy bed. I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

    • i’m with you.. we do use different blankets and he comes to sleep quite a bit later than me some nights.

  131. Betsy says...

    My fiancé and I have lived together for almost 4 years. He snores something awful! This Spring during allergy season, when his snoring kicks up a notch, he started sleeping on the couch and just never moved back. Our relationship is better for it. We’ve noticed we fight less. Issues that used to set us off are smoothed over more easily. It’s seems like we have more emotional reserves now that we’re both not being woken up or punched in our sleep. We own a company together and spend most of our days together so having a little time to ourselves at the end of the nice suits us. We’ve made a point of cuddling more on the couch and kissing goodnight. It works for us. Someday we’ll live in more than 600sq ft and will actually have two bedrooms. Ahh the dream.

  132. MelTown says...

    I can totally see how sleeping separately would be ideal for a lot of couples, but the opposite is true for me! My husband and I have been sleeping separately for the past month because I’m recovering from a c-section and it hurts to sleep in my big cushy bed so I’m downstairs on the couch with the baby in a bassinet, and my husband is upstairs with our other kids who aren’t sleeping well as they adjust to a new sibling. It sucks! We miss each other so much! We’re both extroverts, and we both work a lot (when I’m not on maternity leave), and then our evenings are crazy kid time so bedtime is when we connect. It’s the best part of the day. I also don’t sleep well when he isn’t in bed with me. I guess it’s the result of sleeping together almost every night for 12 years!

  133. Angela says...

    You know, I think it was pretty common back in the day (at least for families of some means) to sleep in adjoining bedrooms. We have friends that do and I recently mentioned it to my MIL who looked at me like our friends were probably on the brink of divorce. They aren’t. They’re quite happily married…and well rested.

    We have a CalKing, and normally my husband and I don’t have sleep issues, but I’ve been thinking of relocating to the guest room for the last few weeks of my pregnancy. We have a big bed, but me, the belly, and my pregnancy pillow take up a lot of space…plus there are the frequent trips to pee and the rolling over all night trying to get comfortable. I think I just talked myself into it…lol

    • TC says...

      I ended up sleeping on the couch a lot in my last month of pregnancy. Whatever you have to do to sleep, do it.

  134. Katy says...

    My parents sleep in separate rooms, and have for the last 10-15 years or so. My dad retired, so his sleep habits changed completely, but my mom still needed to get to bed on time every night! She says “I still love snuggling with your father, but I need my sleep!” I’m grateful for their relationship as an example to me and my husband as two people who can put their health and well-being first so that they can be the best partner possible to the other. When I am cranky, my poor husband bears the brunt of it! Good rest = better marriage, in my book!

  135. Joi Caplen says...

    I’ve been married for 29 years and I could not imagine sleeping apart. My kids like that we’re together and when those moments came when for some reason we slept apart they wanted to know. It’s cozy and intimate and is a positive unit in our family. Just another perspective.

  136. Lindsay says...

    I could never sleep in seperate beds! I’m not needy with anyone on earth except my husband. If he rolls away from me at night I make a funny little sound so he knows I want him to roll back over toward me. We both are blatant about wanting as much time together as possible. Two kids (7 & 10 y/o) and all their demands and activities makes that time alone scarce. Even socializing separately isn’t something we do all the time. Is that weird? After 17 years I keep saying , when will we feel like we’ve had enough of each other??? Never, I hope.

    • Lucy says...

      This is so lovely!

  137. Erin says...

    My husband and I are both light sleepers who wake each other up when we toss and turn. But we recently made a few changes that have helped. We upgraded to a king bed with a Helix mattress and separate blankets! We got two twin blankets and two twin flat sheets (1 king fitted sheet), which really minimizes disturbances. The Helix mattress is also great — you can customize the mattress so that each side has a different firmness, cooling level, etc. And it really minimizes motion transfer!

    • Laura says...

      is it weird i’m trying to imagine how you’d make a bed with separate sheets and blankets? one on top of the other? but if they’re twin sizes, how does that work? side by side? v curious/confused.

    • Carrie says...

      King beds are awesome! You can snuggle when you want, or roll over and get your space when you need! Have you liked your Helix, in terms of comfort?

    • Tari says...

      In Germany and other European countries they always have two smaller sized duvets on a bed for a couple. And forgo the top sheet, just washing the duvet cover often,

      It’s genius.

    • brianna says...

      Laura, it’s I Love Lucy style, with twin beds at least. Their beds were made separately and sometimes pushed together.

  138. Katy says...

    Yes! We do this! I keep it kind of a dirty little secret, but my husband and I are so happy sleeping apart. I love my room – it feels serene and cozy. And my husband is a light sleeper who gets irrationally angry if anything in the night disturbs him (and then completely forgets by morning) so I had so much anxiety sleeping with him, worried any little movement or sound would disturb him. So sleeping apart makes me feel FREE! I still love him, but I love my separate bedroom too. :)

    • Hanna says...

      Exactly the same here! I feel so much better when I don’t have to think about not disturbing my husband’s light sleep.

  139. Laura says...

    I’ve been living with my boyfriend for several years now and it’s extremely hard for me to fall asleep when he’s not in the bed. In the future if we have different schedules or need more space, maybe I’d get used to it, but for now I can’t imagine how I would fall asleep with BF in another room! When he travels it’s hours of me laying awake.

    • Kate says...

      My husband RARELY goes to bed at the same time I do. He’s always up late doing something, so we hardly ever go to bed together. However, when he’s out of town it’s so much harder for me to go to sleep! My subconscious knows and is comforted by the fact that he’s in the house, so even though I don’t need him in the bed to fall asleep, I like knowing he’s around :)

  140. Lori says...

    Sometimes people just aren’t compatible sleepwise. I’m a light sleeper, go to bed early, am always cold. My husband is a heavy snorer/sleeper, goes to be late and is always hot.

    I don’t know about you, but I’d rather sleep in my own room than be tired and crabby my whole life ;)

  141. Kim says...

    I’ve been married almost 5 years (living together for 7) and I LOVE sleeping apart from my husband! At our old, one bedroom house, he wound up sleeping on the couch because he is a terrible snorer. Now we have moved house and we have a 2 year old who doesn’t always sleep through, sleep is of the essence, so he sleeps in the ‘snoring room’ downstairs. It’s great – uninterrupted sleep so we can both feel like normal functioning people when we go to work, and sex is not an issue at all – we were never ones to have sex when someone comes to bed of a night anyway, favouring doing it other times of day or evening.

  142. Katie Erin says...

    “Our relationship is built on many things — sharing a bed just isn’t one of them.” I LOVE that. This collection really resonated with me. Thanks for sharing!

  143. Meg says...

    I’m reading Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, and the thing that comes up again and again in terms of encouraging desire is the importance of cultivating separateness, which isn’t always easy when sharing a space in a long-term, monogamous relationships. In light of her book, sleeping separately makes sense to me, even if that’s not the initial reason it.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      so interesting! one of my friends was just saying that her marriage is best when she or her husband are traveling for work. they get so excited to see each other at the end of the trip. very interesting to think about!

    • TNelly says...

      I am reading this book too (via audible), talk about a new perspective on relationships, sex and intimacy. But I have to say, I am not quite ready to board the sleeping separately train, definitely something I will be thinking about for the rest of the day.

  144. E Gray says...

    Yes! Ever since I was pregnant with my third we’ve slept apart – when I was pregnant I was huge and snored terribly, so my husband migrated to the living room. We are also big introverts who like alone time, which is rare with three kids. We plan ‘date’ nights to ‘play kitty games,’ so we don’t miss out on intimacy. I figure that when I am asleep I am in my own world, so it doesn’t matter who’s around me. Unfortunately, now I am so used to having our queen bed to myself, I don’t know how I would go back to sharing, which we periodically talk about, but we’re happy with how things are. This Friday is our 10 year wedding anniversary.

  145. Kathryn says...

    I was just discussing this topic with some friends recently – why is sleeping in the same bed sometimes used as a measurement for whether your marriage is strong? That’s always seemed silly to me. You’re asleep. If you’re sleeping in separate bedrooms that shouldn’t translate to a relationship with problems. I agree – if it works for you, don’t worry about what other people think or say. My husband and I go back and forth between sharing a bed and sleeping separately, depending on what either of us needs. I don’t even bother telling people – it doens’t mean our marriage is suffering, so why try to make other people understand it?

    • yes! to all of this.

  146. Em says...

    Sleep and alone time are both important, so if you need to “do you” for the night, I think it’s a smart to figure out what works for YOU– regardless of what society says.

    Unfortunately I don’t have the luxury of a spare room, but I do want to steal my friend’s idea… She got a bigger bed and put two comforters on it. That way, there’s more space and no need to pull and tug at blankets all night. It ~almost~ creates a private space to sleep “alone,” even though you’re partner is still feet away.

    • Em says...

      Your* Ugh :P

    • Hanna says...

      That’s funny – separate blankets are very common in Europe and I was surprised that people in US choose it so seldom. I live in Poland and it’s just one of the options here, chosen by circa 50% of people.

  147. Carrie says...

    Maybe it’s because I’ve only been married for 2 years but I just can’t even fathom sleeping in a different room or bed than my husband. Bed time is our favorite part of the entire day. We talk, we snuggle, we connect more than we are able to do all day because of work/life. I suppose it also helps that we have a california king size bed :) Bed time is the time where I can be still, smile and realize how amazing life is because I’ve got all I could ever need lying right there next to me.

  148. Joanna says...

    After 30 years of marriage my husband started snoring and I went through menopause at the same time! I was getting no sleep! I moved into one of the empty kids bedrooms and slept in peace, AND if need be, tossed and turned during hot flashes without feeling like I was bothering him.

  149. I love this. I am so over feeling pressured to do things the way they have always been done, simply because that’s they way they’ve always been done! When I turned 30 it was like a switch flipped and I finally felt free to do things the way I wanted to do them–convention be damned!

    What a radical thought: doing what works for you and the people you love. And still, it’s amazing how many people feel entitled to tell you how you’re doing it wrong…

    • Trisha says...

      OMG same here! I totally agree. Hitting my 30’s and having a kid really made me think, “why am I doing everything everyone else wants or does?” So I stopped. We co-sleep, sleep share, whatever and we all love it! My husband sleeps with us in our giant california king and he loves it too (notice I said HE sleeps with US, lol!) If one of us isn’t feeling the toddler kicks or being restless or he’s cold, I’m hot, then we go to our guest bed. We are still as close as can be, love each other and have no issues with sex! Which always always seems to be the question for some reason.
      Everyone be comfortable and do what’s best for you and your family!

    • Kate says...

      So well said!!

  150. Lauren E. says...

    I’m very much of the mindset of, “If it works for you.” I admit, I sleep better when I’m alone in bed but the moments before and after sleep with my husband are my most treasured. Maybe someday I’ll prioritize my best sleep but for now, good-enough sleep wins out!

    • Kristin says...

      Well put, Lauren! I feel the same way. Every once in a while when one of us is out of town on business, it’s the BEST to starfish in a big king sized bed. But only for a night or two :)