Things That Will Happen If I Don’t Take My Phone Out Right Now


In The New Yorker, Scaachi Koul explains the Things That Will Happen If I Don’t Take My Phone Out Right Now

1. Someone will post a photo of a brunch sandwich—like, a really great brunch sandwich, one with bacon and avocado—and I won’t get to comment, “omg where.”

4. I’ll come up with a great idea—a tampon that is also a mild antidepressant — and won’t have a way to write it down.

6. I will get bangs without consulting everyone I know on the Internet, and they will be a mistake, as bangs ALWAYS ARE.

10. I will have to spend at least one second of my life not agonizing over how everyone else’s life seems better. (How are you always at a cottage? Who drove you there? You don’t have a car and I don’t understand.)

Still laughing. Read the whole list here.

P.S. Taking a phone break.

(Thanks, Stella, for the find. Photo by Hulton Archive.)

  1. This is the best thing I’ve seen alllll day! Sharing generously with everyone I know :)

  2. This is so funny! I find it strange how attached people are to their phones, but I do understand it.

    My boyfriend often stops me when we’re heading out the door all “…you’re not taking your phone!?” and my response is always “…well, no! You’ve your phone don’t you? We don’t need two!”. I don’t mind not having something to snap photos on, consult the internet or check how many steps I’ve walked…it’s so freeing to leave the house without it!


  3. Weirdly enough I worry about some of the items! Oopsss time to get off the phone right about now =P

  4. Prudence Marule says...

    no. 11: I will make eye contact with someone. and no.: 15: In-person small talk. are valid for me and they exactly why im never without my phone!

  5. Jamie says...

    That was so funny! I feel like I’ve been using my phone a lot, so I got this app called Forest: Stay Focused. It sorta locks you out of your phone for a certain amount of time you set and while you’re staying away from your phone, it grows a little virtual tree. It’s pretty cute and I think I’ve become more productive since using it!

    • I love that idea! This was hilarious and I don’t even have a smartphone.

  6. Erica H. says...

    Um, amazing!

  7. Awads says...

    Ha! I ate my lunch outside today and left my phone on my desk!! all of the above happened, though.

  8. K says...

    Tampon with a mild antidepressant is a great idea. I would buy those. They could make someone a millionaire, no, a billionaire.

    This insightful comment is brought to you by the glorious marvel that is commonly known as an iPhone.

  9. Andrea says...

    bangs always seem like a good idea, until you get them…

    • Aidel.K says...

      I liked Michele Obama’s bangs, though.

  10. Trish O says...

    am I addicted? YES oh my…

  11. Giggling at “new phone who dis.”

  12. This is too funny. The manhole one especially cracked me up. Heaven forbid we look up while walking!! :)

    • Jaclyn says...

      This was also very funny!

      I have a long commute with lots of traffic and there have definitely been mornings where I’ve thought, “If I got in a fender bender right now that’d be a great excuse not to go to work.”

      And then comes the depression of realizing my life has been reduced to wanting to crash my car so I don’t have to go to work….so I can probably just do something SUPER important like make a smoothie and read a book at home. LOL

  13. Move abroad, don’t get a phone plan for six weeks, finally get connected and… find out that not much happened. The most exciting things that happened were all the imagined things while you were sweating being without a phone plan.

    • Yes! This! Every time I’ve gone out of the country and come back, expecting my phone to have blown up in my absence…nary an urgent matter had been missed. I think I’ve underestimated the power of these trips to reduce my phone anxieties.

  14. is true this list is hilarius!!!

  15. Nailed it. (Because, let’s face it, nothing I can comment in response to this list can sound any wittier. And I love that I live in a world where people like this… and while I’m at it, The Onion… exist.)

  16. My bangs don’t like this list ;-)

    • Natalie says...

      ;) Mine neither!

  17. Jaclyn says...

    The cottage one is so true for my instagram feed except it’s France. It seems like everyone I follow on instagram is in France. All the time.

    On a weekly basis my inner dialogue goes like this: “they were JUST in france last month!” “don’t they have a job?!” “why can’t I go to France on a whim??” “who is paying for this?” “they have to have a rich uncle, please god let them have a rich uncle because I can’t handle it if *I* should be able to afford these trips too!” “France again?! Come on!”

    • YES!!! Exactly. Exactly. Who are these people and why are they always in freaking France?! Also, at a cottage or “at our camp” and everyone’s camp just happens to be on a gorgeous lake. WHERE are all of these lakes? It’s Tuesday afternoon, do you not work?! hahaha… glad I’m not the only one…

    • i had a week like this, so i went home and got a damn baguette, cured meats, cheese, pickles and went to the park. made me feel a bit better? haha

    • Iz says...

      I know the feeling! They are always glamourous and traveling around the world. Perfect body, perfect other half. It makes me question my life choices. And you know what? I’m tired of it. I think I will go unplugged… If I can! :)