Relationships

On Making New Friends

On Making New Friends

Have you tried to make new friends recently? It’s terrifying…

When I first came to New York, a year and a half ago, I moved into a tiny apartment with my two best friends from Missouri. We navigated the city together, ghostwrote each other’s romantic text messages, and battled homesickness with bottles of Trader Joe’s Cabernet Sauvignon and Twin Peaks episodes. We pleaded for each other to hang out five minutes longer and finished each other’s sentences before they even started. (You know that exaggerated breath right before someone starts talking? That was all we needed to hear.)

Our lease ended a few months ago. One friend moved back to Missouri. The other got engaged. I rented a studio apartment near my office. Even though I’m an introvert, all of my newfound alone time made me feel like I was “The Only Living (Girl) in New York.” I longed for the company of my old roommates, and the distance of my other hometown friends began to hit me. Those people knew me. They made me laugh until my ribs ached. They even thought I was funny. I already had my people, they were just far away.

But long days came where I just wanted grab a beer with a pal. And there were nights I needed someone to squeeze my shoulder and, with flicker of a smile, say, “My god. You’ll be okay.” So, I challenged myself to find new companions. After some trial and error, here’s what I found worked best:

Just say something.People already have their friends! They don’t want more!‘ I would hear myself think during social gatherings. I had to stop this self-fulfilling prophecy and force myself to walk up to people and say something — anything! Maybe the exchange will be just the run-of-the-mill, awkward small-talk, maybe I’ll meet someone who also has a celebrity crush on Michael Shannon and maybe, just maybe, there could be a long-term connection there. I had to give it a shot — and bribe myself with 90’s sitcom reruns when I got home.

Enjoy the world around you. You can have friendly experiences throughout your day without putting pressure on yourself to meet a soulmate immediately. I made a point to hang out longer at work events, comment on people’s reading choices on the train and engage more with my neighbors. Doing these things wouldn’t necessarily lead me to a best friend, but I started to recognize the community I already had.

Reach out to anyone/everyone. I racked my brain for people I sort of knew in Brooklyn. I emailed past co-workers to invite them to dinner. I met up with old classmates from my hometown who I didn’t know well. I joined friends of friends for hot toddies. I even made coffee dates with local Instagrammers (after all, we had established our commonalities online, like similar career ambitions and the same taste in memes).

Do more stuff. A couple weeks ago, I scheduled social events nine evenings in a row. (I almost died.) But, I realized, in moderation, there is magic to that mindset. It’s impossible to meet new people if you don’t try new things. One night, I attended a party where I only knew the host — something I typically avoided — and had the time of my life. Guests snacked on Baby Ruth candy bars and everyone ended up huddled in a circle telling murder stories from their hometowns. The group collectively murmured, “Noooooo,” anytime the story began to take a turn. It was traumatic and hilarious. To break the tension at the end of every story, one of the guests would say, “And he’s here tonight. [Insert murder’s name here], come on down!” Brooklyn began to feel like home again that night.

Don’t panic at parties. Large social gatherings where I didn’t know many guests used to give me the cold sweats. It’s tricky to insert yourself into conversations (those excruciating minutes smiling at the edge of the circle!) and retreating to your phone in the corner feels like a bummer. But at every event I’ve attended solo, there have been others in my same boat — and that’s who I’ve approached first. We had things to talk about (the party, the host, the food) and if we ended up hitting it off, it was easier to enter larger groups with a sidekick.

Invite people to join your rituals. Certain things I usually do on my own — like Sunday night movies and evening strolls — but I’ve started asking acquaintances to join me, especially if it ties into something we’ve discussed recently. It takes the pressure off their feeling obligated to go and gives the occasion a casual vibe. For example, if we had chatted about how many good movies are playing right now, I would say, “I’m going to see La La Land tonight; if you’re free, you should come!”

Give it time. At first, I put too much pressure on myself when I began new activities with the intention of finding a good friend. I had to chill out and start small. (It’s like that saying about dates: If you shave your legs, you’re less likely to get lucky.) When I think back to when I met my BFFs, I realized I wasn’t initially aware of how much those relationships would later mean to me. But over time, as you share experiences and lean on each other, the bond strengthens. I have to remind myself there isn’t a rush or goal line to friendships. It will grow naturally, if you put in the effort.

Over the holidays, I spent a couple weeks in Missouri; and afterward, like always, it was hard to leave my old friends. Yet for the first time since my move, I was also eager to return to new pals. It finally hit me that no one is ever done making friends. Like Barbra Streisand once sang, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

Have you made new friends as an adult? What worked for you?

P.S. Stella’s beauty uniform, and Mindy Kaling’s friendship advice.

  1. Sabrina says...

    I’m writing this with the hope that there is a fellow Cup of Jo reader in Vienna, Austria, looking for a friend. I moved here in August with my husband, and the only thing missing from my new crazy expat life is an awesome female friend to hang out with!

    • I’m in NY, but my family travelled to Vienna this summer. LOVE. I would go back in a heartbeat. Enjoy!

    • Sabrina says...

      Jody, I used to live in New York! If you ever come back to Vienna get in touch and I’ll show you around the city! IG: @hothitsshortypants

  2. Laurel says...

    I moved to Australia 2.5 years ago where knew no one, just a few family members on my husband’s side. It was hard and I totally relate to that feeling of putting pressure on myself to make a connection that stuck. I have kids and it’s a bit easier to tap into a community with/because of them, but sometimes all I have in common is the kid thing.

    I met my best friend through another friend and at first, I thought we wouldn’t get along well. We have very different parenting styles (that I was initially a bit snobbish and judgemental of) but we started hanging out and I found that this woman is AMAZING. I’ve learned so much from her and she is incredibly supportive, always makes and sticks to plans is just wonderful. It is so hard to make friends as an adult! Thanks for writing about this.

  3. Mei says...

    I haven’t seen any comments yet from people in San Diego but perhaps I’ll be the first!

    I moved here six years ago (how has it been that long!?) knowing just boyfriend and a cousin. It was super hard at first not having a friend group, especially since I’d consider myself an introvert. Eventually through husband’s work, my work, and some random instances I’d say we have quite a few acquaintances and “couple” friends but it’s hard without a “bestie” that you can rely on for anything. Plus San Diego is a very transient city-so minus three good friends later here I am…

    I think my goal is taking the time to build these “budding” friendships I do have…finding time to schedule meetups, trying out a new restaurant, or a coffee date!

    My dog has been such a great conversation starter! We haven’t met any close friends through her but I know people who have!

    • Hey !!! Mei ! I’m in San Diego myself ! I just actually commented, and I find it funny after a few years of reading this blog I finally see someone commenting from San Diego….

  4. Kerry says...

    This post really resonates with me! Anyone in Bangalore, India? I’d love to make some new friends here–in fact my new year’s resolution has been to get out and try to meet new people. I work from home, which it is definitely too solitary for me. I’ve been living here for most of the last seven years but somehow still consider it a bit temporary and find myself investing more time and energy into my older friendships from university and grad school. Since my husband is from here, he has a tight group of friends. But I need my own circle (especially girlfriends)!

  5. Katherine Austin-Evelyn says...

    I wanna be your friend!! ❤️

  6. Kamelli says...

    I loved this article; I can definitely relate! There are so many times where I’ve wanted to say “let’s be friends” but felt too awkward…next time I’m just going to go for it! And if anyone in Vancouver BC wants to have a CofJ meetup, let me know :)

  7. Liz says...

    Yes! This is something that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I stayed in the same city after college, and while a few of my college friends are still around, making new friends is completely daunting/overwhelming! Back in high school, I had a really solid friend group – and I’m definitely missing that these days! If any other readers are in Atlanta and want to grab coffee, let me know! :)

    • Hil says...

      I’m in Atlanta too and I’m working my way through a list of the top 25 coffee shops in the city! It would be awesome if we could do a Cup of Joe meetup here!

  8. Zoe says...

    What a lovely post Stella! I’m not in the same phase of life now, but I was single my entire 20s and this brought back so many memories of that time, and, frankly how much I would have loved to have run into you at a house party!

  9. This is such a great, timely post! We moved to Seattle from a small town in CA over two years ago. I heard about the Seattle freeze but discovered that North Seattle in my neighborhood was nothing like that. My daughter (then one year) and I walked everywhere and made many friends, just by being interested in people and being open. It was wild for me, as an introvert. But I feel like general interest in others and openness goes a long way.

    Also, I’ll add that we ended up in conversations with older men who regularly walk their dogs (Sounds creepy. It wasn’t, promise.) We met people who do not have a stable home and sell papers to generate income. And we met plenty of other sweet families who are pretty similar to us. Also, lots of dogs and lovely coffee shop owners who now say “love you” and give hugs. All of that to say, try to think beyond people who look like they’d be your friends if you’re really lonely. Friends can look many ways. Lots of people will give you company and you can mutually brighten each other’s days. It really felt like we had a little village that was quite lovely and unique.

    Since then, we’ve purchased a condo in a nearby North Seattle neighborhood. It’s not as walkable as our old spot, and I’d really love more kindreds. So if anyone is in North Seattle, make sure to stop by my blog and say hi! (Longest comment ever.)

    Wishing everyone love and friends. Xx

    http://www.thewefiles.com

    • martha segovia says...

      I live in Seattle too (ballard). Love your blog!

      I found some amazing things to do in seattle (dinner clubs, talks, gatherings, connections) happy to share resources!

  10. Liz says...

    So relating to this post and many, many of the comments! I spent my entire life in one city and developed multiple friendship circles. Then I moved 6 hours away on my own. It’s been a struggle to go from having a dinner date be a text away, to literally watching other women walk down the street and thinking “Hey, you look normal, wanna be friends?” Having to travel a lot for work hasn’t helped with developing new friendships, but it’s definitely a goal for 2017.

  11. I grew up pretty lonely and now I am blessed with many wonderful friends. One tip that others have not mentioned : go away with people. Share house at the beach, ski getaway, summer camping or tubing trip, yoga retreat, some kind of organized volunteer thing — getting away from it all for a few days and spending unstructured hours with people is amazing for bonding acquaintances or even strangers into actual friends. Just like we used to make friends at college or at summer camp. Literally 8 of my dearest friends I met in one crazy ski weekend.

  12. Evel says...

    Love the idea of COJ fans meet – up!
    Anybody from Manila? ;-)

  13. Evel says...

    love the idea of COJ fans meet – up! Anybody from Manila?

  14. Vanessa says...

    Joy, one of my close friends in elementary school, lives in Paris now. I’m in California. We met in Connecticut when I transferred to her school for third grade. We’re in our forties now and still stay in touch. Her Christmas letter this year said, “I still remember the day you walked into the classroom on your first day of school. I just know you’d be my friend.” I was so nervous that day. I had no idea I was about to make a life-long friend!

    I’ve found church to be a great place to meet wonderful, vibrant, like-minded women of all ages.

  15. Bets says...

    This is probably the most helpful post I’ve read on Cup of Jo. As an introvert full of anxiety who moved back to her hometown after more than a decade away and as a first time mother, it has been very difficult to meet friends. I’ve read so many articles about how to make friends as adults and they always say the same stupid things like, “join a book club” (with who!? my invisible friend?). Thank you for sharing concrete ideas that have worked for you. I can’t wait to try them out.

  16. Lindsey says...

    Stella- thank you for this post! I am in NYC. I told my husband last night that I need female friends. I am all in for meet ups and a CoJ group!

    • Emilie says...

      I’m in NYC too and would love a CoJ group! I need more female friends too!

    • Megan says...

      I’m in NYC too if you want to start one, count me in!

    • Alicia says...

      Also in NYC, downtown. Please let me know if you do get a local CoJ started–happy to host at some point!

    • Caroline says...

      Me too! In NYC and would love this.

    • ellie says...

      Same! In Brooklyn but would love to join.

  17. This has been something I’m STRUGGLING with! Thank you for sharing your story. ^_^ Would love to grab coffee some time lady!

  18. SJ says...

    Love the idea of a COJ meetup! Anyone else living in Montreal?

    • Anniclaude says...

      I do and would love to meet people who love CupofJo!! :) :)

    • Anniclaude says...

      Hi SJ! :) I live in Montreal and would love to meet other readers of Cup of Jo! Feel free to message me on my instagram: anniclaude_weiss.

    • Hi SJ! I also live in Montreal. I’d love to do a meetup :) find me @aworldofpretty

  19. Diana says...

    Anyone in nj or philly area looking for a once In a while get togethr kind of friend that is loyal. Independent and active!?? :)

  20. This post hits home for me as I’ve always just had a few close friends and prefer hanging out at home instead of going out (9 evenings out sounds like torture to me!!!) It’s such a challenge to make new friends as an adult, workplaces are a good resource but if you don’t work in a big office your options can be so limited. I’m banking on having kids and becoming friends with all the mommy group moms ;) Maybe instead I’ll attempt to tackle some of your tips!

  21. Alison says...

    Great post! I always worry about coming on too strong when I have a friend crush. Making new friends is just as challenging as dating.

  22. Megan says...

    Like everyone else commenting on this thread, I can totally relate to Stella’s post–especially living in DC, which is so transient. This is a blessing and curse; people constantly cycling in and out means that you’re always losing friends, but there are always new people arriving too (many of which apparently read CoJ… count me in for a CoJ DC meet up! Hi new DC friends!)

    As a recently-single introvert, I definitely appreciated Stella’s comments about recognizing the community around you, even if doesn’t yield friends, per se. Having lovely interactions with people around me can really lift my spirits, and goes a long way toward making me feel (re-)connected to other humans… e.g., finding a yoga class to go to on a regular basis, where the teacher knows me and chats with me every week. Come to think of it, maybe I should actually ask her if she wants to go on a friend date…!

    • Lindsay says...

      In for a DC meetup!

    • Anne says...

      I’d love a D.C. Meet up too.

    • Kim says...

      Those interested in DC meet up – please email me and I’ll get something together! kimgmestre at gmail dot com

    • L. W. says...

      Yes to a DC meetup! I’ll be moving there this summer and know exactly 0 people there beyond my boyfriend.

    • Rachel says...

      Me too! Let’s make this happen!

    • SG says...

      Me too!

    • Katie says...

      Megan, I completely understand the cyclical friendships in DC since it is so transient. I’m going on year 7 in the District, with practically none of my original social circle remaining local. I’d love to be part of a DC meetup! Keep us posted on the details!

    • Karen says...

      Count me in!!

  23. E says...

    Omg The Onion article – that is my life! HAHAHAHA. I now want to email it to everyone I know.

    Can’t wait for the CoJ meetups!

  24. Katie says...

    I loved this article and the comments. Partly it made me a bit wistful for my late 20’s and early 30’s when I was single. I like being alone, but it was so. much. time. by. myself. I made a point to always be available to hang out, and to try new things. I met one of my closest friends during that period, and my now husband. There were some long, hard lonely weekends, but mainly I remember it being a lot of fun.

    Now, two young kids and a husband later, I find myself again actively trying to expand my friend circle, which makes me feel, and act, like a total weirdo. Like the woman in a comment above, I come in too hot or too cold. I recently had an awkward exchange with another parent (read: potential new friend(!)) in the elevator at daycare with an overly exuberant response to a random question. The next time I saw the woman I was purposely aloof. We still have not become friends. Go figure.

  25. Allison says...

    Hey Stella!
    This post strikes a cord with me and is just so relatable. I moved to Brooklyn about two years ago and have made a lot of acquintances and social friends, but I have found it hard to make the same deep, solid friendships as I had throughout college and back home. I’d love to participate in a Cup of Jo meet up :)

  26. Heather says...

    Awesome! This advice was like the arrival of the New Years Baby for me! I’ll be actively using these tips from now on. Thank you!!

  27. Amanda says...

    You never know what might happen or who you might meet when you’re open to it. I had been in Seattle a whole 6 weeks, fresh off a break up and with no friends aside from work acquaintances, with a cute boy and I struck up a conversation on the bus to work. He’s now my husband and father of our two children.

  28. Sam says...

    Hi Stella,
    I’ve been waiting for this one, and am so happy to have read it! I’m an introverted person, but have always gratefully had an amazing group of friends surrounding me, saving me from awkward new social situations. Now, though, one by one my friends have moved away, and I’m finding myself more alone than not. It’s a different situation, and I’d love to have a great group of girl friends again, so I’m looking forward to putting your tips to practice – starting now :) If anyone lives in San Diego, I would love to meet up for tea or beer anytime!

  29. Jill says...

    I love this, Stella! As an introvert who moved to London a year and a bit ago I can completely relate. Most of the friendships I’ve built over here have been random friend-of-a-friend set-ups that have just over time kind of clicked. I especially like your points about just enjoying the world around you and giving it time. Making a (title-caps) New Friend can feel like a tough prospect, but taking the time to enjoy little social moments which may or may not blossom into friendship is so much more achievable! I’ve found inviting new potential friends to join in regular activities (for me, an uber-low-key social sports group) has been a nice way to build up friendships organically over time.

    And also – thank god for other expats and non-locals! You’re almost guaranteed that they will be looking to make new friendships too :)

  30. Making & keeping friends was a HUGE priority for me when I got pregnant. My husband & I both work from home & he’s a true homebody, so I just made sure to schedule 2-3 social events (minimum) per week for myself. There were times when my daughter was a baby that I had to drag myself out, but I never regretted it. As a result, I have solid friendships & consistent me time. now if I could just get him to meet a few more friends….

  31. This is some solid advice. And as a fellow introvert, I could really relate to a lot of your thoughts and fears. The one time in my life I found it astoundingly easy to make new friends is when I was a new mom. I joined a mom and baby group and boom! A roomful of women who understood what I was going through.

  32. I really liked this post. I moved to a new area not so long ago and am gradually starting to get to know people. I linger longer in coffee shops and make a point of starting up conversations with people who I vaguely recognise from the area. You are right, it doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen and it is really nice when you feel you have that sense of community.

  33. Eva says...

    my heeaaart. i am so feeling all of this right now. moved to a new city a few months ago and having moment of feeling incredibly lonely—and all the anxieties listed here. and i am so feeling inspired—thanks, stella! <3

    btw, i'm in portland oregon if anyone else here is in the same boat and wants to be friends ;D if it works out we can tell stella to update this post with "participate in comments in your fav blog." tee.

    • Lauren says...

      I’m in Portland, OR and need to meet some new friends! Many of mine have moved away. Let me know if you want to grab a coffee – I know all the best shops. Lauren.mirow (at) gmail.com

    • Eva says...

      hi lauren! will do!

    • Hannah says...

      I’m in Portland, Oregon, too and would love to hear from either or both of you! hcnickerson@gmail.com

  34. Rachel says...

    Just chiming in (as a D.C. reader) that I love the idea of COJ meet-ups!

    • Jennifer says...

      I am in DC too and love this idea! Let’s make it happen!

    • Kim says...

      Hi Jennifer! I’m starting a DC meetup – we are meeting in early Feb. Reach out to me at kimgmestre at gmail dot com for more info :)

  35. Kelly says...

    Thank you for discussing this! After living as an expat for several years (where its much easier to make friends), I moved in with my boyfriend in a new city, Seattle. As a 33 year old, not single but no kids female, I found it very difficult to meet others (Seattle freeze is real). I had read about Bumble BFF and thought no way, I don’t need that. A friendless month later, I downloaded it. As weird as it may seem in the beginning- its fantastic. I met my boyfriend on Tinder and it worked very similarly- I connected with another older female who wasn’t interested in lots of partying and she has introduced me to many friends. I am SO thankful for the app and highly recommend it, just give it time and set your ego aside.

    • Ashleigh says...

      Did Bumble BFF really work?! I’ve been thinking about downloading it but I’ve been too afraid! I’m usually such an extrovert but making new friends terrifies me!

  36. hallie says...

    I’ll be your friend Stella!!! I live in the East Village and am a fan of good movies, Simon and Garfunkel, and evening strolls too :)

  37. Meredith says...

    I’ve lived in Nashville for four years and have struggled to find a solid group of girl friends. My New Year’s Resolution is to make some new friends so I’ve joined a flag football team (even though I’m a terrible athlete) and a small group at church. I’ve also decided that I need to decide if I want to stay here or move back home where cost of living is more affordable, I can live in the city and be near my family. BUT if you live in Nashville and want a new friend, I’m here! I have a list of almost 200 restaurants, bars and coffee shops to try. I’ve made it through about 89. I also sing in a community choir and belong to a CrossFit gym. I like the flea market, art walks, parks, hiking, live music, wine, whiskey & cheese. Some of my favorite bands are Johnnyswim, NEEDTOBREATHE, The Civil Wars, Austin Plaine and the Lone Bellow.

    • Caryn says...

      Hi Meredith! I’ve lived in Nashville for about 2.5 years now and also joined a crossfit gym last July. I currently live in southern Nashville, near the Brentwood border. My boyfriend and I don’t have kids but have 2 dogs that love parks and hikes. I’d be interested in grabbing a coffee or drink if you’re up for it! I have to admit that I don’t get out all too often just because of the lack of friends around town (we’re from MA) but I’m always up for trying new things.

    • Jessa says...

      I’m in Nashville! I’m on instagram as @jessaanderson if you want to connect :) I’ve found our church to be my greatest source of community, but as my two closest friends both moved at the end of 2016 (Nashville has proved to be very transient in the 11 years I’ve lived here!), I’ve been trying to challenge myself to be a little braver in connecting with new friends or women I haven’t gotten to know well!

    • Meredith says...

      We are so close to each other, Caryn! Find me on Instagram (@meredith_f), and we’ll plan a coffee date (with Jessa) for the three of us!

  38. Meg says...

    This post completely resonates with me. (Also, love the I Love Lucy picture!) I moved to DC a year a half ago, and I still haven’t really made any new friends. I know a few people in the area from college, but I feel like they’ve all been able to make friend groups from work. It’s a goal of mine at the start of this new year to really push myself to try and make friends!! I just joined a social volleyball league that starts in a few weeks, a good first step for me! :-)

  39. Catie says...

    I was in the exact same situation as you, down to the area of BK, last year! My best friend moved out of our shared apartment to go to grad school, and you might as well have cut off one of my arms.

    I panicked for a few weeks, and then found my way to Meetup.com, despite reservations that people on the internet would be weird. It was one of the very best decisions I’ve ever made (I swear I do not work for them and am not affiliated in any way hahaha). I bypassed most of the hobby-related groups, because that’s not me, and went straight to the ones for 20-something girls in my area, who were just looking for friends. (Also bypass the groups with hundreds and thousands of members and go for ones that are focused in your neighborhood – or make your own! The founder of my group started it because she wanted friends, and kept it below 75 people at all times.) I ended up meeting the most amazing friends.

    I second another commenter’s suggestion for a Cup of Jo readers meet-up :).

    • ellie says...

      Do you mind sharing the name of the group? Definitely something I’m interested in! Also live in Brooklyn.

  40. Carol says...

    I love this and would also love to know tips on how to make “family friends” . I wish we had a family with kids around my kids age to go on trips with, etc.

    I always feel that when we meet a new family, it’s hard for the husbands to have the same interests, the wives to get along, the kids be around the same age, etc. If one good friendship is hard to find, three(husband, wife and kids) at once is even harder!

    Has anybody had any luck finding good family friends?

    • Ange says...

      So true!

    • Kate says...

      Carol, I completely agree! I’m married and have a 2-year old and another arriving in 2 months. We live in Seattle and have some amazing friends; but finding families to do things with can be so hard. I have some very close female friends (neither of whom currently have kids, but love mine) and I am always comparing other women to them. One thing I’ve had to learn is that it’s okay to not have the same SUPER deep connection with everyone. So we’ve made friends with a few families in which the mom and I get along great, but I don’t have the same level of connection I do with other friends, and we still have a great time sharing experiences and park dates and brunches at home with our husbands and kids. Being a little more open to those different ‘levels’ of friendship can help! =)

    • Meghan says...

      Carol – We were members of a gym over the summer that has a great outdoor pool (with a kids pool and a bar!). At the very least, you know you all have kids in common and it’s easy to chat and hang out while the kids swim.

    • Jill says...

      I agree, it would be so much easier to have friends with kids that get along, husbands that get along too. I can’t think of the last time I met a family we all liked. One of my oldest friends’ family get along with my husband and I, but her kids my daughter nor I can tolerate. sigh.

  41. Alexis says...

    I see all the comments saying that they are in this state or that state — anyone in Utah that wants to be friends?! :)

    • Kendra says...

      I’m in Utah! Vineyard (near Provo/Orem)

    • Alexis says...

      Awesome! I’m in Pleasant Grove, but work in Provo :) I’m on Insta @alexiswdavis

    • Hannah says...

      I’m in Salt Lake and would love to meet up for coffee or something!! hannahthree@hotmail.com

  42. Meg says...

    This is such an inspiring article! I love the advice about attending a party where you only knew the host (which is something I would usually avoid myself but will now reconsider!) I have been in SF for 4 years, but just recently my boyfriend relocated for his job and a few of my closest girlfriends have left. This mass exodus has left me missing the ease and comfort of longtime friendships. If any Cup of Jo readers would like to meet up in SF I am always looking for a friend to go on a walk or explore this amazing city.

    K, I am going to go make some more friends now… or should I say I am going to go patiently start laying the foundation for new friendships!!! :-)

    • Jillian says...

      Meg I am in SF and like to walk! Send me a msg on Insta if you want, I’m @jilliandavis :)

    • Mollie says...

      Hi Meg and Jillian, I too am in SF and like to walk! Insta @molliemac25

    • amber says...

      Hi Meg! Hi Jillian! I’m also in SF (5 years here) and I can totally relate – I had a similar experience when all my close gal pals left the state for various reasons after we were all roommates, I miss the ease of it all so much and have found it hard to meet new people!

      Get in touch ! i’m on insta @amberlundyleigh

    • I’m also in SF and always looking to meet great new people! I’m @quotidianphotography on instagram. I was thinking of starting an articles club soon, I’d love to have more CoJ readers in it!

    • J says...

      Ditto! Will ping you ladies on insta :)D

    • kristy says...

      Hi guys! I’m also in SF (3 years, originally from Chicago) and would love to meet up!

      Coffee? Wine? Hike?

      My insta is @iamkristygreen

    • Vivan says...

      Ladies! Please count me in for a CoJ SF meet-up!

      I’ve been in the city for about three years and like you all, am really missing the comfort and familiarity of my hometown girlfriends.

      I’m on insta @vivanchinn :)

    • Lindsay says...

      Chiming in from SF! I just arrived here in May from Brooklyn and while I already had some family and good friends living here, I am finding it a challenge to meet anyone outside that bubble! Would be so happy to do a coffee/wine/walking meetup :)
      I’m on insta @lindsayauxlunettes

    • Virginia says...

      Hi ladies!

      Just moved to SF 3 months ago and would love to make new friends! My Instagram is vyutiful, shoot me a message for tea or some exploring :)

  43. Charlotte says...

    When I was 22 I moved from New Zealand to England, just because. One of my first days of work I stood up at the end of the day and said, “I literally have no friends in this city. I am going to the pub right now and if anyone wants to join me I would really appreciate it”. And, somehow that didn’t scare people off and some people came with. I didn’t become BFFs with any of them, but it was a start and through work colleagues I got invited to other social gatherings where I met more people, and even though I now live in a different country and it is 11 years later I still have those friendships.

    • E says...

      glad to hear your bravery paid off!
      bravo!

    • Cousa says...

      That is so courageous :) I always liked the Kiwi way of making friends, it’s so casual and sincere. I moved to New Zealand 3 years ago and didn’t have any friends. I’m very shy in nature and couldn’t make attempts to meet new people. But I was so surprised how people approached to me so easily and invited me over for dinners and BBQ, without me making any effort. I feel like I’m in the friendliest country in the world :) Fast forward 3 years later I have a close group of friends and neighbors I like very much. I thought I would never have that close relationship I had already built with the people back in my country, but I was so wrong. If I go somewhere else in the future I know I’ll miss the people here terribly.

  44. mandy says...

    love this stella! making friends as an adult/in NYC is challenging! i have been here 2.5 years and still struggle with this sometimes. these tips are encouraging to me as i navigate this as well. i’m in BK too if you ever want a new companion for an evening stroll. :)

    • E says...

      Agreed! My acquaintance community has definitely grown, but now I want it to deepen :)

  45. Mia says...

    This is so timely – I needed this!!! My husband and I are moving this spring so he can attend grad. school (any Spokane folks out there?? Let me know!) – I am pregnant and will know 0 people there. Excited and slightly (scratch that – really) nervous about having to rebuild my community with so much change going on! Thanks for the tips!!

    • I’m 4 months pregnant and just moved to Seattle from NJ! It’s scary to be so far away from friends and any kind of support system during this time. Sadly Seattle is not close to Spokane but I feel you girl, sending lots of a luck your way.

    • Lindsay says...

      There is a really great blog called Swiss Lark run by a woman named LindsEy (not me, but I have talked to her before via instagram and she’s so friendly!) and I believe she lives in Spokane, or recently did and might have some tips for you on her blog if nothing else!

    • kt says...

      pregnancy/new baby phase is actually one of the easiest times to make new friends! there are usually some kind of new mom groups you can find, i was in one through yahoo when i lived in brooklyn. but seriously, it’s like freshman year of college when everyone leaves their dorm room doors open, just ready to hang out with anyone in the same boat. new moms are kinda lost and looking for women in the same situation to commiserate and bond with. good luck!

    • Kate says...

      Hi Tina, I am 7mo pregnant with my 2nd and live in Ballard, in Seattle, too. Welcome! Although I’ve lived here for 5 years and have some wonderful friends I’m always happy to make more1 =) I know lots about the city + kid-friendly things. I’m also about to start a new chapter with this baby – quitting my job as a school librarian (which I love) to stay at home with our kids for awhile, AND we’re moving into a new house a month before the baby is born. O_o So I will be around and definitely needing things to get me out of the house! You can e-mail anytime: kate dot kullberg at gmail dot com.

  46. I’m old and my husband is even older. Making new friends at this age (we’ve been getting SS for awhile now) is difficult. There is so much baggage to unpack to feel really connected with a person that it’s easier to just not bother. The problem is, we’ve all read how important a social life is to healthy aging, so we continue to bungle along. In my life, friends I’ve met at work continue to be the best. We started out with similar challenges (and complaints!) and continue to check in with lunches and dinners and email. BTW, I’m completely comfortable with my reclusiveness. It’s really OK!

    • Lilly says...

      Bungling along is all we really ever do, isn’t it? I met a friend who’s about 40 years older than I am through choir, and as a complete introvert who worries about this, her attitude inspires me to no end. Just to know it’s still something I’m going to have to work on, and still so possible! She moved across the country and is doing well making a new life for the most part. It has it’s ups and downs, but that’s what wine is for.

  47. Kate says...

    This is so timely – my number one intention this year is To Make New Friends.

    I moved to the Channel Islands 6 years ago and it feels very claustrophobic and everyone knows everyone, yet as an outsider I find it very difficult to break in to well established friendship groups. I would love to find a group to socialise with.

    My plan is to try and do one thing every month that makes me feel awkward/uncomfortable in the hope of meeting new people. I have loved reading all the comments, they make me feel less lame and had some great ideas! Thanks ladies :) Now to go break through some social barriers…

  48. Charli says...

    This is ringing so true for me too. I had a stellar and strong group of friends in Portland, but I moved to Austin two years ago and have only made a couple of friends. What I miss most is the casual nature that long term, close friendships develop. I think that’s where the “give it time” advice helps me the most.

    I’ve seen a couple of people in this comment thread posting about meetups in their cities…if anyone in Austin, TX wants to get together, let me know! At the risk of sounding like a personal ad – I’m 30, no kids, love to do outdoor things (kayak, hike, car camp, drink on patios), go to museums, thrifting, and explore weird small Texas towns. Open to new adventures too!

    • Nicola says...

      Hi! I also live in Austin. At the risk of sounding like I’m answering a personal ad, I’m 34 and married, no kids, also love outdoorsy things, thrifting, patio drinking, and just galavanting around. If you ever feel like meeting up, you can find me on Instagram @bittersnsalt

    • Grace says...

      Hi Charli, I would definitely be up for a meetup! I also moved to Austin two years ago (from Chicago) and have only made a couple friends, one of whom recently moved away. It’s been tough not having my closest friends nearby. I’m always up for outdoor activities and exploring with new friends!

    • Marissa says...

      I’ll tag on here too with my personal ad! Also been in Austin almost 2 years, 29, married and no kids. Love hiking and patio drinking! Also on Instagram at @marissahop.

    • Charli says...

      Yay! I just checked this today and I’m so glad people replied! I would love to get together. Nicola and Marissa – I’ll hit you up on Instagram – I’m “@mmmagpie.” Grace, you can either find me via instagram or my email is charli (dot) krause (at) gmail

  49. So. Relatable.

    Cup of Jo team, can you host a meet-up party for your followers? How fun would that be?!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      We are brainstorming how to do this right now!!!! :)

    • Megan says...

      Co-sign this idea!

    • stacy says...

      this would be totally amazing!

    • Kelsey says...

      I think this is a great idea! Just chiming in (as a Boston reader) that I love the idea of COJ meet-ups!

    • Tracey says...

      Agreed!

    • Yes yes yes! What a brilliant idea! I’m happy to organize something for the DETROIT area.

    • Kate says...

      Agree, would love this! ~Brooklyn reader :)

    • Emily says...

      Yes please! Melbourne, Australia reader!

  50. Emily says...

    I’m in this position at the moment having had a baby a few months ago and been placed in a mother’s group. While it’s great to have a ready made group of women to socialise with the problem is I have no idea how to hold a conversation! I bound in way too enthusiastically and scare people off so I try to play it cool then I just seem like a snob and in the end it must seem like I have multiple personalities. If you could write a post on how normal people have normal conversations then that would be super helpful at this point.

    • PLR says...

      This is literally me. I come on too strong or too cold. There is no middle!

    • Emily says...

      How do we do it right PLR?! I told my husband last night and he said I’m a really nice person (thanks darlin’!) but I’m just so clumsy with talking to people I don’t know. We’ve got our next mother’s group meet up on Tuesday and I’m already sweating.

  51. Laura says...

    Talking about making friends when you’re older: my mom (now 61) always had a hard time making close friends. Maybe because she was always busy with five kids, maybe of cultural differences (she’s a Greek immigrant to Germany). 10 years ago, we had a talk at our church and I invited the mother of my boyfriend. She came and since then she’s really good friends with my mom, they even go on vacation to Greece together.

    I broke up with said boyfriend 10 years ago and if it was worth anything, my mom made a great friend. :)

  52. This is all so true! I also live in NYC and particularly relate to the “reach out to anyone” tip — in my six years here, I have made two of my best friendships through social media. I reached out to one via blogging in 2010, the other reached out to me via Instagram in fall 2015. Funny story — we had followed each other on Instagram for a while and established we had similar interests, routines, and favorite spots around the city, but we had never met. One day she commented on my photo that she kept running into someone who looked a lot like my now-husband at her morning coffeeshop and she wondered if perhaps he had a lookalike brother in the city? And he totally does!! What she feared would be a creepy comment led to a long overdue in-person meeting and, ultimately, to a close and wonderful friendship!

  53. You are literally, in my head. I’ve been in LA 4 years now and feel like I’ve just recently started putting myself out there in the “find a friend” world. I’m married, so I’ve had my husband to fall back on, but nothing is quite like having quality girl time. I’ve had some success making friends in different fitness classes or more recently, on Instagram. But I’m still always plagued by the notion that people already have friends and don’t want more. My biggest issue is feeling like I’m always the one reaching out and doing the inviting and not getting the same in return. I’m insecure and unsure if people’s excuses are valid or something is wrong with me, haha. But I like your idea of not putting so much pressure on yourself. Friendship takes work, but it also has to come naturally.
    http://www.wonderlandsam.com

  54. These are the perfect tips to give! When I first started college these were the rulee I followed! I live super close to NYC if you ever wanna meet up xxx
    http://Www.ivefoundwaldo.com

  55. I can so relate to this! And I love that the cup of jo community seems to be full of brave and adventurous women who move to other cities where they don’t know anyone! It’s so hard and I’m so impressed! I’m on my 3rd move since college in KY- NYC, Chicago, and now Durham, NC. I love now having friends so many friends to visit, but it took be a solid year to find good dependable friends. Still working on that in Durham, and I have a husband now so it’s even harder because we can just hang out and I don’t feel as much pressure to find others, but I need some regular girl time! The first months after a move are the hardest. One of the hard seasons of life was right after I got married we moved to chicago in February (worst time to move there-blizzards constantly) and I didn’t have a job yet and so I never left the apartment! I just watched Parenthood and cried everyday until my husband got home from work. Seriously. I’m a TV producer and always jumping from one show to the next, so that also brings inconsistency with who I see each day. My mom always says she met her lifelong friends through my friends parents, so once she became a mom those friendships with other moms became everything to her. I look forward to that season of life too. If anyone is in the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill area, let’s meet up!

    • Ali says...

      Abby! I just recently moved to Carrboro from Los Angeles and would love to meet up! You can find me on instagram @zephyrtuesday . Feel free to shoot me a message. There’s so many new places I’ve been meaning to checkout in the triangle!

    • Abby! (and Ali!),

      I’m late to seeing this, but I live in Raleigh and have soooo few female friends here and would love to meet up! I’m on Instagram at @katiebaileyphoto if you’re interested!

  56. Adrienne Q says...

    Thank you so much for writing this! After a year of several friends moving away from my city and struggling to accept my introvertedness, I was starting to think everyone else has plenty of friends/doesn’t worry about making new friends/doesn’t grin and bear it through parties or events. So nice to know others are in the same boat :)

  57. Divya says...

    Oh this is so relatable! I moved to London after spending 31 years of my life in India. I moved into a flatshare specifically so I could meet new people and hangout with other women. While my flatmates were lovely and we had fun wine nights and heart to heart conversations, I can’t say I’m good friends with either of them.

    Now I’m living with my husband, but terribly miss the company of women who I can talk to without filters. Thanks for these ideas!

    PS – I’ve been a Cup of Jo reader since before you got married, but I don’t think I’ve ever commented before. So you can imagine, how much this article resonated with me :)

    • Kerry says...

      Aww Divya, too bad you left India. It would have been fun to hang out with another CoJ reader here :-) Although I have no idea what part of India you were living in and it’s a big country! I’m based in Bangalore (with frequent travel to Delhi), so if you’re ever in town…

      Good luck meeting lovely new people in London.

  58. I’m so glad you’ve found some good ways to move forward! That’s a big transition you’re still in.

    As someone who’s had to move a lot, I wonder if you’re thinking not just about how to make new friends in NYC, but maybe also how to be more open to people when you’re in familiar groups? Someone’s always in the spot you’re in now, and it’s easier to recognize and reach out once you’ve been there.

    • Kathleen says...

      Excellent comment!

    • Beth says...

      I have a lot of admiration for my sister-in-law’s ability to always make whoever she talks to feel comfortable and included (my husband does it too but she’s really elegantly natural about it). She asks people a lot of questions, and she interjects interesting and enthusiastic trivia about whomever else might be in the room. For instance, if she’s meeting you for the first time, she’ll introduce herself, she makes sure you have drinks/food/know where the bathroom is, she finds out where you grew up, how you might know the host, and my favorite- “have you met Jane Doe over there yet? No? Let’s go! She is taking a class on how to make keys!” And she’ll walk you over and introduce you to Jane Doe, telling Jane some great tidbit about yourself that she’s just learned that she thinks Jane will connect with. I’m shy myself, and I’ve really learned to simply pay more attention to other people and besides making them feel good, it helps keep my own anxiety in check.

  59. Carol says...

    This is really great–so well thought-out and practical. Doesn’t apply to me personally though. As a mom of two young children, I don’t want new friends. I want alone time. ALL THE TIME.

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      Hahahahaha. Thank you so much, Carol. Stella xoxo

    • Haha, I am sometimes there too Carol! Mum of 1, but often that’s enough :)

  60. What if there were Cup of Jo groups in various cities around the world? I’m in Boston and preeetty lonesome for friends. We could do Joanna’s suggestion from a few years back where instead of a book group, we do a magazine article group?

    • Mary Qiu says...

      I second this idea! I live in Baltimore and since finishing grad school and starting work, I feel like I’ve lost a lot of friends.

    • Christina says...

      That would be wonderful! I am in DC. :)

    • Love this idea! Currently living in Durham, NC, moved here from Chicago (NYC before that and KY before that!) Moving is hard, especially moving somewhere new and know no one! I’ve always admired Jo’s article club but never can find a group to do it with!

    • Christine says...

      omgoodness how wonderful! I’m in Toronto (Canada)!

    • Sydney says...

      I also love this idea! Anyone in southern Connecticut/Westchester county?

    • ann.e says...

      aw I just moved away from Boston and miss it and friends there so much! I’d have met up for a cup of jo coffee date :)

    • Oh my goodness, YES!! I would love this so much. Anyone in NYC interested?

    • Love this idea!! I’m in SC and while I do love my (small!!) circle of friends, I’ve been having the hardest time trying to make friends with people that I have more in common with.

    • Courtney says...

      I’m in Boston and would love to join a magazine article group! I can definitely relate to this article. I’ve been in Boston for over 10 years, and all I have learned about friendships is: nothing is constant. People come for school, leave for a job or another educational opportunity, everyone is constantly coming and going!

    • Lindsay says...

      If anyone from DC wants to meet up, I just moved to the US and would love to meet literally anyone! My email is mck890@gmail.com :)

    • Rebecca says...

      Such a great idea! I am in Toronto as well and I think there are quite a few of us from the city reading the blog.

    • Julia says...

      Love this as well! I’m new to Rochester NY from Toronto – would love to meet some local ladies!

    • I’ve been in Boston for two years and I need more friends! Anyone want to start a facebook group?

    • Sara says...

      This would be amazing! Toronto ladies, please feel free to get in touch: longtail@sympatico.ca

    • Jen says...

      Such a great idea! I’m also in Boston (/Cambridge) and like Courtney mentioned, the city is so transient. Have seen sooo many friends come and go, and it’d be wonderful to have a new way to meet people!

    • Megan says...

      I love this idea!

    • Megan says...

      Oh and I’m in NYC!

    • E says...

      Julia – I’m from Rochester, NY! I’d love to share tips and could introduce you to my best friend who still lives there :-)

    • Hil says...

      Love this! Anyone else from Atlanta?

    • Katherine says...

      I’m in Philly and would love to start an articles group! Any other Philly ladies on here?

    • Robyn says...

      I love this idea! I’m also in the Boston area and would love to do an article club. I moved here a few months ago from Chicago and would love to meet some new friends!

    • Julie says...

      I’d love an article or book club! I’m 45 minutes north of Boston.

    • Sara says...

      Love! I tried to get an article club going but it didn’t take off. Would love to try again! Like a few others on this thread, I’m in Toronto. On insta I’m @sara_campbell76

    • Laura says...

      I’m moving to Boston in 2 weeks and am so worried about this. A group would be amazing!!

    • Stacey says...

      I’m in NYC and love this idea too!

    • Sabrina says...

      I also love this idea! I moved to Vienna, Austria in August. My husband is awesome, but I could use some female friends!

    • Anna says...

      Me too!! How about in Australia too? I’m in melbourne!

    • Aoife says...

      That would be wonderful! I’m in Brussels; are there any other CoJ readers here in Belgium?

    • Claudia says...

      Yes, same here, live about 45 min north of Boston, working in Cambridge right now, Waltham soon.

    • Nikki says...

      I’m in Boston and am getting an article club started with two of my friends. I’m 29, single, a teacher and live in the Back Bay. I am ALWAYS looking for great females. Embrace the weird and just email me: NBollerman@gmail.com

      We will get the article club started!

    • Erika says...

      I’m in boston too! I would love to join!

    • Rosie says...

      Anyone in Edinburgh, Scotland? I moved six months ago, but man, it is hard to establish a group. Plus I live with a couple, and there’s nothing that makes loneliness hit harder than being around two people who are always together. I’m on insta as @scispy if anyone does live here!

    • Lisa says...

      I’m in chicago and would love this!

    • I am in West Los Angeles, with a husband, 2 adorable dogs and a 12 year old daughter. Please message me for cup of jo coffee get together!

    • We could make a public Google Drive doc or something- maybe CupOfJo could helm…or I could make one, I don’t mind. We could put location places and cities – ex: coffee shop, Back Bay, Boston, Feb 4, 3pm!

    • Kate says...

      I’m in Boston too! Would love to join anything we can get going.

    • Nikki says...

      I can but a google document together for a Boston group or people can email me! Either way :)
      NBollerman@gmail.com

    • Thanks for starting this Boston thread, Hannah! YAY!

    • Celia says...

      Lisa, I’m in Chicago too! Want to hang? I’m on Instagram at @go_litterless.

    • Chris says...

      Toronto too! @cschmeerzy on insta!

    • Sara says...

      Ditto to Toronto! :)

    • Caitlin says...

      Amazing idea! Anyone in Austin?? :-)

    • Suzy says...

      I’m also new to Boston and seeking female friends! How do we get this going?

    • Lara says...

      Celia & Lisa, I’m in Chicago as well, coffee – tea?! :)

    • Julia says...

      I am also in Boston and would love to join! Have we started a google doc or other way to get together?

  61. Eve says...

    I’ve made new friends sometimes through work, but mainly by way of neighbors whom I ran into a lot. (This must be what happens with parents in playgrounds.) With certain people there would be a relaxed vibe or something, weirdnesses click, and over time, that became new friendship. I’m finding it’s all what you allow for, yet it’s such a two-way street that prediction is futile.

  62. Mallory says...

    I love this. Totally agree you’re never done making friends, and that feels like one of the greatest adventures in life.

  63. Julie says...

    I find it easy to make acquaintances but difficult to find the friends who are “inner circle” comrades — the kind with whom you can be every version of your weird and wily self. The surface-level chit-chat can get exhausting pretty quickly.

    The best friendship I’ve had in adulthood was forged in graduate school; I sent a funny and kind classmate an email that said, “This may be awkward, but…want to go on a friend date sometime?” She said she had wanted the same but was too shy to ask! From that very first hang-out it was effortless, and now I can’t imagine life without her. That immediate “clicking” is so wonderful and rare (though reading these comments gives me hope that it’s not as rare as I might think!).

    • I love that you did this! What a great beginning :)

  64. Carolyn says...

    Yes, to all of it! Making friends as an adult is hard, but it’s so possible. At least that is what I choose to believe! Thanks for the practical tips, Stella, and for sharing your own journey.

    Recently I read somewhere that a friendship can be solidified with an act of service (bringing over soup when a friend is sick) or when requesting help (can you bring me some soup, hack, cough?). There is something about taking the friendship beyond common interests or mutual entertainment–it’s a bit vulnerable to offer or to ask for help but it’s real and connective. Recently I brought 2 friends a meal after they each had babies and I really do feel more connected to each of them!

    Best of luck!

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      Thank you for sharing, Carolyn! Such a great point. xx

  65. Rae says...

    Loved reading this!

  66. What a great article! This is something I’m really struggling with, as all my closest friends have moved away in the last few years. When we moved to our current town I had one child, taught at the university, and had lots more free time and energy. I worked really hard to get out and make friends and it was great! But then I had five more kids, started working from home, and friends moved away when I had neither time nor emotional energy to make new ones. So hard. Over the last year I’m making an effort to go to the local running group’s meet ups and races rather than just running on my own…I have so little free time, but I ALWAYS make time for running, so that’s my sneaky way of meeting new people! I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by the fact that some of my favorite people are my kids’ teachers, especially one who had three of my kids so I really got to know her well. Not a place I would have expected to meet a dear friend!

  67. It’s so funny that you sort of weeded out the people who don’t need friends with this post, and now you have a potential friend within all these comments. Ironic that so many of us are in the exact same place (*hand raised emoji*) and we know that people like YOU exist, longing for friendships, but finding the you’s is exhausting for us introverts. I wish there was an easier way to meet people and know immediately that you’re on the same wave length, so that you can decide if it’s worth it to be vulnerable. My big fear is wasting precious minutes getting to know people that I have nothing in common with. Then again, maybe therein lies the problem: the mindset – that meeting anyone new can be considered wasteful…Great post, Stella! You gave us so much to think about.

  68. Jennifer says...

    I moved to DC from LA a year and a half ago after grad school and relate to all of these feelings. Thank you!

  69. This is great advice!!

    We moved to NC from AZ about 2 1/2 years ago and I still don’t have many close friends. However, I have TONS of acquaintances, work friends and a wonderful group of people in the cul de sac we live in. While I don’t have a bestie that I can grab a drink with, I definitely feel fulfilled in the relationships I have right now. I’m a mom to three little ones so, as most moms know, maintaining friendships can be tricky in this stage of life!!

    -Sarah http://www.thefrugalmillionaireblog.com

  70. I love and need this article so much! I have lots of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends. I had a huge group of girlfriends in my 20s, but literally all of them moved to other cities before we turned 30 and now I’m having a hard time finding true blue friends. I have lots of “mom” friends, but many of them are older than I am and we don’t have much in common outside of our children. I would love to find some fun girls who I would be friends with regardless of motherhood status. Any ladies in Houston who want to hang out? I’m 33, have two small children (with one more on the way), and I love everything from hanging out in sweats with friends and drinking wine, to getting dressed up and going out to nice dinners, and lots of other things in between (both serious and frivolous). And I have a pool! Haha.

    • Jen says...

      What part of Houston? I just moved to Cypress!

  71. Claire says...

    We moved from Michigan to Texas almost 6 years ago and I didn’t make a real effort when we first moved because the move was supposed to be temporary. And now we own a house and we have kids and it’s not only that I don’t know a lot of people here but man, I am not Southern. There’s always a bit of culture shock, even now.

    • The midwestern/southern culture shock is REAL. I grew up in Texas and moved to Illinois and it’s like living in another country! I’m back in Texas now, and my mother-in-law wants to move here from central Illinois, and I keep cautioning her that it’s really different from what she’s used to!

  72. I love this, Stella! Especially your advice give it time. Friendships don’t happen overnight. When I first moved to Nashville I knew NO ONE. But I met my now best friend at a party where I knew one person and we hit it off talking about the cheese plate. Over the course of a year we’d see each other now and then, but all of a sudden, it’s like we had broken the seal and were just really good friends. You never know if that person you met a year ago will become your best friend! It’s amazing to look back and discover how all the little encounters add up to a wonderful friendship!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      that’s such a great example, elizabeth! i love that :)

  73. Moly says...

    I truly appreciate the timing of this post. I’m in the same boat that maybe your friends in Missouri are in, where my 3 (3! Like come on, how many people have 3 besties!) best friends all moved away for grad school. I recently started a new job, and am going to push myself to connect more with the amazing 9 to 5 friends I have from my old job. We still meet for lunch and message each other! The friendships are right there in front of me, and I’m going to try and identify them with intention and nurture them.

  74. Sarah says...

    I moved to Seattle almost a year ago and have also experienced the “Seattle freeze”. I’ve mainly made friends through random and distant connections, friends of friends, etc. I’ve gone on about a dozen set-up “friend dates”. One piece of advice I give is to go on a first “friend date” when you are feeling like you have energy to put your best foot forward. It may sound obvious but in my experience, going on an early friend date when you are tired and/or stressed doesn’t go well. I love the idea of cupofjo meetups! This is such an awesome community of smart, thoughtful women.

    ps. stella, i love your posts! especially your beauty uniform :)

  75. Heather says...

    These are such great tips. I needed this post about 4 years ago!

    Four years ago, I broke up with a boyfriend and left him – and our dog :( – in Vermont while I moved to Annapolis, MD. I knew one person when I moved here, and got incredibly lucky that a social life opened up through her.

    BUT the other amazing friends that I’ve made NOT through my friend, I made through community theater! I think theater people tend to be truly welcoming, friendly, and SOCIAL. And if you’re not a performer, you can always volunteer in other ways too to get involved and meet people – help to paint sets, work on costumes, etc.

    • Robin J. says...

      I love this comment! That’s exactly how I made most of my friends in college. The first couple of months were SO lonely, and I struggled to connect with anyone. I auditioned for a show with the hopes that the theatre folks would be friendly. I met some of my best friends that year!

    • Jess says...

      Same here! Theatre people are the best.

  76. Now that I have a dog and I’m engaged and I live somewhat far out in the burbs of Brooklyn and I don’t like drinking or staying up too late, I feel like I’ve gotten very content with my quiet little nights at home–but a few weeks ago, we went to a housewarming party and had THE BEST TIME! We chatted with all of these really warm and interesting people, and remembered just how fun parties can be (and got a bunch of great podcast recommendations)! Even if I didn’t get any new lifelong friends out of the evening, it did remind me that it’s worth breaking out of my comfort zone every once in a while :)

  77. Lindsey Fox Parker says...

    I met one of my dearest (like Anne of Green Gables and Diana Barry kindred spirit) friends 9 years ago when she walked up to me at a party and said, “hi, I’m Cait. I think we should be friends.” I’ve used that line a few times since, and it always seems to work! Anyways, here’s to friendships, new and old. Loved this post.

    • Lena says...

      “Here’s to friendships, new and old” – love that!

    • Heather says...

      there’s nothing like a true AoGG kindred spirit :)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      funny story: my sister went to dartmouth, and while she was there, someone mentioned to her that she should be friends with a girl named mindy kaling (of course, she was just a regular student then, into comedy, etc.:) a few days later, my sister saw her at a party and went up to her and said, “people say that we’re both funny and should be friends.” but then she suddenly felt totally awkward and went mute after that. haha, she and i always laugh about how she would have been friends with mindy in another life!

    • Maureen says...

      Anne of Green Gables and Diana. That’s the friendship Holy Grail!

  78. Alice says...

    Great post Stella! I live in Brooklyn and absolutely love The Bachelor and wine, always looking for new friend… ;)

    • Annemarie says...

      In NYC and looking to find or start a Bachelor wine night…if you’re game!

    • Alice says...

      Yes!!

    • Laura says...

      This sounds wonderful! Just moved to Brooklyn and I am definitely looking for some new pals to enjoy bachelor & wine nights with :)

  79. I think the younger you are and being in a new place is harder than it is as you age! I remember in my late twenties and early thirties moving to a new place and feeling the same way! I just turned 50 this year, and find that it’s a lot easier to jive with people you really like, and it happens more organically. I realize now how much I appreciate the long time friends I have that are scattered around the country, but new friendships as middle aged person seem a lot healthier and more stable. The best way I met people was by doing stuff I loved, and meeting people who loved the same things ( I have always had a dog) so I met some of my closest friends at dog parks. But that’s just an example, take a cooking class, join a knitting circle, etc. great post.

  80. Lena says...

    In all the pieces you’ve written I’ve always thought “it’s like she’s putting my thoughts onto paper (well, screen)!”

    I might be moving to New York at the end of summer for graduate school and (I have now decided that) if I do, I will be emailing you – just wanted to let you know so you can expect a message from a random person who also loves her Sunday night movies :D

  81. anna z says...

    It’s so much harder to make friends as a grown up!

    If there’s anyone in NYC who wants to hang out and likes any of the following, let me know!

    Art – galleries, museums, shows. I also paint on the side (mostly watercolor)
    Yoga – kind of a beginner still but am loving it so far
    FOOD! – brunch, dinner, food exploration trips in Flushing, dim sum, hot pot, you name it and I’ll probably like eating it :)
    The Outdoors – hikes in the catskills, hudson valley, walks in Central Park/Prospect park
    Tech – I work in mobile product for a travel company, and love attending tech based talks/events

    • Annemarie says...

      So I live in NYC and I think we have very overlapping interests!

      Any interest in the Beatrice Mandelman And The Sixties or Piss and Vinegar shows – opening receptions respectively January 18th and January 19th?

    • Kate says...

      I’ve never commented here but I’m doing the “trying to make friends” thing. Particularly since I don’t know anyone right now who loves museums and galleries, because I totally do! I go to the MoMA by myself all the time and it’s so lame.

      In terms of art-related stuff, I draw comics and illustrate, and I go to figure drawing at least once a month if you’re interested in that. I went to one at Bat Haus in Brooklyn last night that was a lot of fun and included unlimited free beer for $10, not bad.

      I also love Flushing/dim sum/hot pot, and that kind of stuff, and I love hiking but I never get to do it!

      So yeah! Email me if you want to hang out!

    • anna zeng says...

      Annemarie – Yes to the Beatrice Mandelman show :)

      And Kate – I would love to take art classes together, open to doing figure drawing. And eat lots of delicious food and maybe burning that off by going on hikes.

      my email is azeng25@gmail.com – send me a note!

  82. Marisa says...

    This is something I think about ALL THE TIME. Similar to other women who have commented, it’s not about meeting people for me, but putting in the time to nurture the friendships. It is very daunting and scary to potentially have someone cancel last minute on what I thought was going to be an awesome girls night. It’s scary to willingly put myself in that vulnerable position. But, I have made some really nice friends via work and partners of folks I used to work with. Whether we connect over shared interest in camping, running, or our Midwest roots, once we have found that commonality, I think it becomes easier to connect and try out new things together. The friends I have made in 2016 aren’t people I share my deepest, soul-connecting thoughts with–yet :)

  83. annie says...

    This post really spoke to me. It really describes my experience moving to Philadelphia and not knowing anyone. Thanks for sharing!

  84. Erica H. says...

    Love this

  85. Yes! I spent 3 amazing years living in Memphis with my best friends (more like sisters) and now that I’ve moved away I find myself so lonely sometimes. I live with my fiance and he is my best friend (in the totally cliche, “I’m marrying my best friend!” kind of way) but there are definitely those days when I just miss my girls. Meeting new people has been really difficult. Any Montana Cup of Jo readers want to hang out? :)

  86. Christina R says...

    Love this post and your list of ideas! I would add, VOLUNTEER. Find an organization that speaks to your heart, become a semi-regular volunteer, and you will quickly find a group of people who share your ideals. A few years ago, most of my friends were coupling up and moving to the suburbs, and I found a fantastic new group of friends in the young professionals group at my local United Way. It took some time, and a lot of the tips you have above, but I now have a new core group of friends for brunch, movies, dog walks, wine, end-of-bad-workday phone calls… And because we continue to volunteer together, we keep adding more people to the mix! xoxox

    • Christina R says...

      P.S. Anyone in the Denver area, check out Mile High United Way and come be friends with us!!! <3

    • I absolutely second this. It’s easily the quickest way to new friends. You already know you have some sort of passion in common, and working together on a meaningful project cuts out so much of the early awkwardness. Especially something where you go all in- organizing something or committing to something often for several months. Becoming active in a club or church works too! It’s worked for me from everything to fundraising events to social work to theater plays, and I’ve made some truly amazing friends I really cherish in lots of different life stages. The bonus is sometimes the diversity of people you find in those places!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      what a great idea!!!

    • Teresa says...

      Christina, I’m new to Denver and would love to be friends :o) Let me know how I can join the next event you’re going to!

  87. Kristin says...

    Oh man, I am in the same boat. We moved to a small town last year, from a medium sized city where we had lived for 20 years (attended college there and stayed). I had many different sets of friends there–college friends, work buddies, new mom friends, parents of my kid’s friends, neighbors, etc., etc. Basically a lifetime worth of friends. We moved about half an hour away, so we can still see those people fairly often, but I know it is really important to make new friends in my new town, so I have been trying like mad. It is so hard!!! So hard. I have really put myself out there (both for the sake of my three kids and myself) and it has been slow going. I definitely feel like I know a lot of people now, but I don’t really have any close friendships yet. People invite us to parties, and playdates, and we reciprocate, but none of us have formed those kind of friendships where you just call someone up last minute to come over for dinner, or a movie, or to hang out. Part of the problem is that we moved to a small town (under 8,000 people) where people already have their friends and family. They don’t really need any new people in their lives. It was much easier to make friends in a bigger city because everyone was kind of in the same boat–all receptive to new relationships because most people were transplants to the city and didn’t already have deep ties there. We all feel a little bit like interlopes into our new friend’s lives. I’m sure it will get better, but I do sometimes question whether we will ever have the kind of friendships we had in our old city.

    • Laura says...

      Small town person here, just wanted to say – we don’t all have our people. For me, many of my friends have moved away (probably to big cities like the people you mentioned) or just drifted apart.

    • Kristin says...

      That’s a good point, Laura–thanks! I will totally keep that in mind. Was having a little pity party for myself yesterday.

  88. This post is so timely. A couple of days ago, I just finished MWF Seeking BFF, all about one woman’s quest to find new friends after she moves to Chicago and leaves her old friends behind, and now I can’t stop thinking about making friends. I just moved recently too and feel like I kind of hide behind my husband/toddler son because I get tons of interaction from them (and obviously I love them the most) but really, I miss having friends to hang out with.

    I’ve been trying to push myself to say yes to any invitations that come my way and love the tips you posted. Thanks so much!

  89. If there’s any proof needed to back up your ‘just say something’ tip, it has got to be this comment section! Of course, I feel the way you all do: I want and need more friends but often feel like everyone has all the friends they need already. It’s amazing to read the comments here and realize that we’re all yearning for something we *think* we can’t have.

    Clearly, all we have to do is SAY something and we’ll all breathe a sigh of relief and enthusiastically say ‘YES!’

    • Alexandra H. says...

      LOVE this! And, YES to more of this. :)

  90. Katherine says...

    What good tips!

    My best one is to be suuuuper blunt. I have had the best success with straight-up saying “This might be a little awkward to ask but–do you want to be friends and hang out sometime?”

    people are like 99% of the time charmed and/or relieved to be asked!

    • Christina R says...

      I love this! I’ve done it once or twice before, always with great results.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      yes!! i totally agree.

  91. mollie says...

    really enjoyed your article!

  92. Lizzie says...

    Hi Stella! Just wanted to let you know that this post brought tears to my eyes. You did a beautiful job capturing how tough it can be to put yourself out there. I lived in NYC for six years and definitely remember the strange feeling of being simultaneously surrounded by amazing people and also strangely alone. Anywho, you’re brave and smart and there are many folks out there who would love to be your friend (me included!), so keep at it!

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      Lizzie, thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. Means so much.

      Stella xoxoxox

  93. M says...

    I have moved 5 times in 13 years. Its been interesting. I do love that I met people I would not have normally met. Thus, learning things I never knew. One strategy is to be open and work hard. Keep trying. Just be positive and repeat exposure situations work the best. So, clubs or teams or some kind of group with a common goal/interest always works. After you initially find a group and know you will see them over and over, you can then see which person you may have an affinity for or them you. If there is someone, and that is lucky, then you can do something separately with them to get to know them on a deeper level. Its hard work, but it does pay off. Don’t judge people by how they look. Some of the best people for me (good friends without social climbing motives) have been the ones I would never have expected (much older, completely different demographic, etc). Do not overlook older women. It is true that they become ‘invisible’ as they age. I feel this. You will be there too. Plus, they have more maturity and knowledge available to you than anyone. :)

    • Lizzie says...

      Such a lovely piece of advice not to overlook older women. My mom always makes friends with women of all ages in her workplace, many of them my own age. Its inspired me to think more diversely about who I consider a friend and I love knowing that she has a special place in their lives since I am far from home!

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      Love, love, love. Such a great point.

    • LJ says...

      I second that. Excellent advice, and something I will work on.

    • margie says...

      Older women, yes! When I was 18, I met a woman who was 35- so she seemed SO ANCIENT! I hilariously asked her if she still used tampons, b/c I was a total idiot. Despite my idiocy, we have remained friends for 17 years, and she is now my younger son’s godmother! She is someone who I would have not picked out of a lineup and said YES! We will be great friends! But here we are. My son and her grandson are the same age (she had her son very young), and it all works out. Be open to all who cross your path!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      i love that, margie.

    • Jane says...

      I love how specific this is! It builds well on Stella’s ideas. Such a good reminder to consider friends who may not be so similar to you on the outside. My parents are raising a grandchild, and it’s been harder for them to make friends with the other parents due to the age difference. But they have made a couple of lovely friends with 30-something parents willing to overlook it and hang out.

    • ann.e says...

      I’ve moved a similar amount of times and you are so right! It’s amazing the different kinds of people who ended up being my “kindred spirit friends” in each place. Different ages, nationalities, religions, family dynamics, all of it. Struggling now as we moved to a super conservative smallish town after living in Boston :( Still waiting to meet that kindred spirit and going to keep some of these tips in mind. Great post, thank you!

  94. Erin says...

    I love this post. And to anyone in Dallas, LET’S BE FRIENDS!!!!

    • Claire says...

      ooo! Erin, I’m in Dallas! Let’s be friends!

    • Me too! :)

    • Jess says...

      I’m in Dallas, too! Since it looks like the CoJ team is working on official CoJ meetup groups, let’s connect there and make some plans!

  95. Amanda says...

    I feel your pain! I recently moved to Madrid from San Francisco where I had lived for many years and had plenty of wonderful friends. The first few months abroad were exciting, but then the feelings of loneliness set in. Eventually I decided to start a women’s only book club and reached out to anyone and everyone I knew or might know others who were interested. We’ve been meeting every other Monday evening now for four months and love it! I’ve met so many amazing women from all over the world, and although we don’t always talk about our books (blame it on the wine), we always have a blast.

    • Amanda, I love this idea! This long, cold winter feels like the perfect time to start one. Thanks for sharing this.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      great idea, amanda!

    • Laura RM says...

      Omg I would have never guessed there would be readers in Madrid!! How can I find your group? I’m an Anglophone Spaniard and would LOVE to join you! Xx

  96. Em says...

    Yes! Last year my boyfriend and I moved to a new city together, where I didn’t know a soul. I was worried about making new friends, I expected it to be awkward and tedious but it’s been far easier than I expected. I knew from the start that I was too awkward to just strike up conversations with strangers so I took a more structured approach. I use the website MeetUp, and the app Bumble BFF. It might feel weird or inorganic to make friends using the internet but that’s how most people are dating now so, why not? MeetUp sets up events for people with common interests (like, fans of a certain sports team or people into rock climbing). Everyone at the events is actively trying to make friends and you have a common interest so it’s a breeze to start conversations. Bumble BFF is basically like tinder but for making female friends. At first I thought Bumble BFF would be just a silly joke but it ended up being AWESOME. I can’t believe the smart, funny friends that I’ve made just by swiping right and meeting up for happy hour! I highly recommend it.

    • Alexandra H. says...

      Great tip, downloading Bumble BFF!

    • YES to meetup! after a particularly bad breakup in 2008 i realized i didn’t have any female friends, i was sad, i was so lonely, so i signed up to a woman’s group on meetup called Baltimore Broads. it’s since disbanded but some of my closest lady friends are from that group.

    • lea says...

      I was just thinking “there should be an app like tinder but for making friends!” when I read your post. I want to try Bumble BFFs even though for some reason it is really scary to me. It has been so hard to meet people, especially kick ass girl friends since I moved to Utah. I wish friend apps were are common and popular as the billion dating apps out there. It would make this so much easier! It is so much harder to find people you really connect to as an adult.
      Thank you for this post!

    • Alexis says...

      Hey Lea! I’m in Utah! Want to be friends? :) There is another comment thread where a couple of other ladies are sharing contact info to meet up, if you are interested!

  97. Kristen says...

    What a great post, Stella! I moved across country with my husband and have been in our”new” city for 5 years. Though we had each other it was still tough to make friends at first. I am a freelancer so could not meet new people through work. I met fellow freelancers through a couple of meetup events around town and eventually we started our own “creative coffee,” of women who were in the same freelance situation. I also joined a book club and barre class. As a couple my husband and I started going to trivia nights, poetry slams, gallery openings etc. It was hard to make myself go at first (fellow introvert) but now I have met a ton of wonderful people. At first I didn’t want anyone to know I was “new” to town but realized many people were in the same situation as soon as I spoke up!

  98. Ruth says...

    My husband is in the foreign service, so we move internationally every two years 😕 When we arrive at a new post, I spend the first three months meeting as many people as possible. I ask people over for dinner or playdates, or to go grocery shopping (more fun with a friend!) There are a few hits, plenty of misses. But the sooner I can find “our people” in town, the sooner my husband and kids will feel at home. It’s hard putting myself out there, but absolutely worth it. You’re right, though – you just have to say something, and suggest plans 😊

    • my father was in the foreign services, it was easy for me to make friends – i had school. i realize now how lonely it probably was for my stepmother. depending on the post, there were instances where we lived in very close proximity to other embassy families and then other places we lived off compound.

  99. MJay says...

    Great post – I’m beginning to think making new friends is a scheduling problem! It’s hard to find time to hang out and get to know people when everyone is busy with work, kids, activities, etc.

    My goal last year was to make a couple new friends. I promised myself to go to new events, not turn down invitations and try new things. It was work, but fun!

    One thing that did work (and it does sound stalker-ish!) was to just show up. Over the summer, I kept seeing the same group of moms (who were already friends) at our local pool. Our kids swam together, I made a point of sitting near them every day and by the end of summer we were friends. The challenge now is keeping it going in the winter, but all of us have been making a point of lunch dates, meeting up with kids and as couples.

  100. Lauren E. says...

    I’m in a strange place in life where all my friends seem to be moving away. Suddenly I have entire months without a single weekend plan (my husband works weekends which used to be great when I had a lot of friends and is now stressful and lonely).

    I’ve tapped into the friends-of-friends pool and also classes. I took an adult tap class and a woman who takes it with me asked me out for a drink one time. We had a lovely conversation and multiple glasses of wine and it was so refreshing.

    • Janet says...

      You’ve literally tapped-in! ;) Love it!

  101. Caroline says...

    Love all of this! For me, getting involved in a church has been the most helpful way to make new friends. Most churches have small groups that you can join which is a great way to get to know people on a deeper level. I would imagine that other non-Christian places of worship have similar opportunities, and that getting involved in any kind of neighborhood organization would have similar benefits for people who aren’t religious at all!

  102. Kate says...

    Every stage I enter has it’s new friend-making and friend-keeping challenge – I totally go through highs and lows. I end up talking about this a lot and always refer people to Alex’s NYT article from a few years ago because I feel like it really hits on some of the subtleties beyond: you like yoga, i like yoga, let’s be friends!

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html

  103. Love this post! It’s scary to meet new friends when you’re not in school or at work. Keep fighting the good fight, friends!

  104. Kelly says...

    That party sounds hilarious! Have you listened to the podcast “my favorite murder”? It might be right up your alley!

  105. Angela says...

    I love this topic because I just started using Bumble BFF and Hey Vina in October after a bad breakup and it’s been awesome! I’ve met one really good friend who I really clicked with and another few who I’ll probably chat with a few times a week and hang out with every few weeks.

  106. One of my new years resolutions is to be more open to meeting new friends, especially since moving to Boerum Hill. Let’s be friends Stella! :)

  107. Loved this! I myself am quite the introvert (I call it “hermiting”). This past year I started to realize some friends from my past weren’t necessarily ones I should bring into my future. It was a tough realization, especially when it hit me that I needed to make new friends. I forced myself to go out more. Many times I would come close to canceling, or I’d cringe the entire way there. But almost always I’d end up having a great time. I also (politely) started inviting myself places. “Hey, I’d love to join you guys if you wouldn’t mind one more!” goes a long way.
    Great article!

  108. I met new friends, some of the best I’ve had, at the gym! What they say about the CrossFit community is true! The same people go to the same class every day and I lucked out and picked a class at a new place full of sassy ladies and even though half of use go to different gyms now, we still get together every couple months and even have a chat group on Facebook. The best part is that you all have whatever terrible workout is scheduled that day in common so it’s easier to go up to someone and chat.

  109. Hi, Stella! Thank you so much for writing this. I am in a very similar situation. My husband and I moved to Portland, OR a year and a half ago, and I’ve found one of the most difficult adjustments to be the necessity to put myself out there and make some friends! It can be so vulnerable and awkward, but I think it’s a testament to the human spirit that we are able to find commonalities with lots of different people.

    I especially appreciated your final point about trying to exercise patience. This one is probably the hardest for me! I always pressure myself thinking, “we’ve been here for over a year! You should have more friends by now!” That doesn’t help anyone, least of all myself. And even though you and I aren’t even remotely in the same location, it feels comforting to know that someone else is in the same boat as I am! Thank you so much for sharing! XO

    • Kerry says...

      I am in Portland, Roxanne! I’ve been here since 1998. But this past year? — everything is new. Newly single. Newly sold my house. New apartment. Want to meet me for a coffee or a beer? I live in SE.

    • Diana says...

      In the spirit of this post– my fiancé and I moved to Portland a few months ago and are in the same boat! Let me know if you ever want to grab a cup of tea or we could even double date :)

    • Lena says...

      I would love to see this happen! :)

    • Hi, yes, yes, yes! Find me on Instagram (roxsincich) and DM me to let me know that we chatted about this on Cup of Jo! Would be SO fun! :) XO

    • Eva says...

      um group hangout, ladies? count me in :) also on instagram!! (@_evakins_)

    • Lauren says...

      Also in Pdx and would love to meet up! Instagram: Lauren.mirow

    • Hannah says...

      Oh I was so happy to see a couple of people from Portland chime in! I’m 26, single, and living in NW. @hcnickerson on Instagram if any of you would like to connect! I’ve been here 2 years and moved from NYC…still struggling to find “my people.”

    • Heidi says...

      I’d be interested too! I’m a Portland native but spent many years away. I live in SE, married, 2 kids. Can be found at @heidimoore38 on insta.

  110. Maggie says...

    Stella! I just had such a great idea! What about starting a book (or article? ;) club or even just a dinner party with a very systematic rule: you invite one friend, who is instructed to invite a friend who doesn’t know you. She invites a friend who doesn’t know anyone on the roster yet, etc, etc on down the line for as big as you want the group! It kind of sounds like a fun challenge and a guarantee that everyone there only knows one other person!

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      Love this idea, Maggie! Thank you so much for sharing!

    • hallie says...

      I did this with a bookclub and it is so much fun!

    • Emily says...

      Out of all the ideas given with the replies, this one is my favorite! Thanks Maggie for idea!

  111. Jennifer says...

    Zumba has the most amazing community of worldly, diverse, fun, accepting and generous people! It’s a great place to make new connections, not to mention get a great workout.

  112. Cara says...

    Love this. I lived in Seattle a few years ago and due to the “Seattle Freeze” (you Seattlites know what I’m talking about), I had the hardest time making new friends, even though my childhood best friend lived there. I decided to join a girlfriends meet up group and it was wonderful! I would attend these fun, planned events and I met a great friend. We have both since left Seattle (she to Minneapolis and me to SF and then Philadelphia) but we are still very close and visit each other every few months and talk weekly. After that experience, I’ve always been more brave about getting out there to meet new girlfriends. I also think there is a new app to meet girlfriends in your city- kind of like Hinge or Tinder but for friends :)

    • Lisa says...

      Oh the Seattle Freeze. Native Seattleite here, yes I know it well. I have had 3 best friends move away and it’s incredibly hard to make new friends here. I have a few, but I’m 50 & single, and most of my other friends are grandparents now, or so busy with their lives.

    • Abby says...

      I lived in Seattle for five years and making friends was SO difficult. The few good friends I made were all transplants, originally from the Midwest, btw.

      I find it amusing that it’s a known thing in the city, but there’s no great effort made to combat it (that I know of, maybe there is now!).

  113. Nicky says...

    I moved to a new city recently and freaked out over not having any close friends here just yesterday. I definitely needed this post. Glad I’m not alone in the process. Thanks so much, Stella!
    PS I’d be your friend if I still lived in Brooklyn!

    • Nicky says...

      Throwing this out there: I’m new to the OC Cali area if anyone wants to meet up!

    • Heather says...

      Hi, Nicky!

      I’m in Riverside, but I’ve had friends in the OC I would meet up with every month, and we would alternate between me going there, and then coming here. I would love to head over there if you would like to meet! :)

    • Nicky says...

      Heather, that would be awesome! I would love to meet up. My instagram is @_nickyalexandra if you want to DM me. :)

  114. Jenn says...

    Oh man, this article comes at the perfect time when my resolution for 2017 is to make more friends! For myself I have a few lifelong, soulmate friends that are strong, individual friendships and then a larger group of friends who have become toxic and negative to be around.

    The idea of making new friends totally gives me anxiety and I’m that person that avoids gatherings if I only know the host. I’m turning 30 next year and I think the same thing – “No one wants new friends now! They already have them!” But after reading your article, this has offered me some more confidence to put myself out there. Thanks, Stella!

    • Kimberley says...

      Jenn that first paragraph, you took the words out of my mouth! I moved to the Netherlands from the UK for my PhD 14 months ago and tried so hard for 10 months to make friends! So hard! And then it got cold and I began to hibernate. But I agree to putting ourselves out there in 2017!

  115. Every time we got a new neighbor in our old two story building (which was basically every year, for 6 years) I would exclaim to my husband- “I’m finally going to get my Ethel!!!” And each year, a new weirdo moved in. The floor above us in our new apt is currently for rent – waiting for my Ethel to arrive….

    Marisa
    (Chasingsaturdays.com)

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      Hahahah, Marisa! This is seriously the cutest thing. Fingers crossed this time.

    • “And each year, a new weirdo moved in” HAHAHAHA!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      haha i love this! you should put the listing on Cup of Jo ;)

    • Listing for apt in Carroll gardens: 3 bedroom above a toddler who wakes up at 5 am, may hear the theme to peppa pig at 5:30 as mom has given up by then. Neighbors welcome to join for coffee and yogurt. Mom also likes red wine, good books, taco nights, puns and good and terrible tv (from twin peaks to the bachelor)

      nonserious and serious inquiries welcome

      (Did I sell it with the 5 am wake up call?)

    • I feel the same way about the town home next door every time the lease is up…..Maybe this tenant will be a great friend or a potential romantic connection, like a 50 year old uncle to a Hensworth or Channing Tatum. But alas….druggies and squatters have rented every time, and we are not that kind of a neighborhood!

    • Nicole says...

      I laughed out loud when I saw this, Marisa. Same thing ran through my mind a few months ago when the apartment next door was for rent. Sadly, Ethel DID NOT move in and some SERIOUS weirdos did instead. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  116. Oh I’ve been looking forward to this article!!! I will need this when we move next week :)

    Has anyone tried a friend app like Meetup? How was it? And what happened to our Cup of Jo meetup-in-various-cities idea?? :)

    • Nicky says...

      I would love a cup-of-jo meet-up in my area! I’ve tried meet-ups for job related networking and it’s great for that! I think it just depends on the group you join.

    • The Cup of Jo meetup idea sounds SO awesome! xo

    • Lauren E. says...

      I have ALWAYS thought that would be a fantastic idea. This is such a kind, intelligent group of women.

      Maybe someone could start the idea on Meet Up?

    • Melissa says...

      I just moved to Houston and have attended a few meetup events and have liked them so far! Give it a shot!

    • Kate says...

      I would love a Cup of Jo meet up in London!

    • Em says...

      Yes to a meet-up!! Maine, anyone?!

    • Oh, I could set up a COJ Reader Meetup on the Meetup app, and then anyone who is interested could come? I didn’t realize that’s how it works. Maybe I will try and then report back. Thanks for the encouragement, everyone :)

    • Alice says...

      Second the London meetup idea!

    • Michelle says...

      CoJ meet up – brilliant! I feel like anyone that reads this blog is my kind of people. Hello Chicago followers…

      Returning to a city after several years where all your friends have left is so strange. On top of that, I am in a completely different stage of life then where I was when living in Brooklyn. Trying to start a family kind of puts you in a new category.

      These tips are super helpful – THANK YOU.

  117. In recent years I’ve met many friends through Moms groups. Joining a group or taking a class are some nice ways to meet people in a natural setting.

    I definitely experienced what you describe when I moved to a new city several years back. As an introvert it’s especially tough, so thanks for sharing your advice!

  118. Laura says...

    RE: Reach out to anyone/everyone –

    To commenters in LA, let’s be friends.

    • Jessica says...

      Yes please!! I just moved here! Group meetup somewhere??

    • Anya says...

      Yes, I would do it! :)

    • Alyce says...

      I moved to LA this summer and was JUST thinking about how to meet friends! Room for one more??

    • Abby says...

      I’m in LA! I love LA!

      I’m not from here but know parts of it really well, which is what I can offer to a newcomer!

      Let’s figure out a way to connect offline from here?

    • Lindsay says...

      Also in LA and would love to join!

    • Jessica says...

      Yay look at all of us! I’ve created a Google Group, which is hopefully a simple way to connect us all. In Google Groups (groups.google.com), search “Cup of Jo LA” to find and join!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      this is awesome, jessica!

      based on this thread, we are also working on putting together official Cup of Jo groups in multiple cities — please stay tuned!!! xoxoxo

  119. erin says...

    I have a great base of college friends here in NYC so sometimes motivation to make knew friends is low, but I’m so grateful I do have those other friends in my life. Some have stuck more than others. But what really helps is having a shared interest. Two friends I met at events – we were both there for a reason and we built our friendship off of that. Another friend I know from grad school. We weren’t super close during school, but since graduating we realized we have very similar tastes in music, and she’s also a do-er. So now whenever either of us finds a show we want to go to or an activity, we’ve got each other :)

    And proximity is a huge help! Most of my new friends all live in/near my neighborhood.

  120. Kellie P. says...

    The problem I have is not meeting people, it is putting in the time required for the friendship to go from being work to being comfortable. With two little kids/work/everything else, it feels impossible. Maybe it’s an introvert thing, but it sounds exhausting to reach out and do more stuff with the tiny bit of down time I have. I like the idea of inviting people to partake in rituals, for me that would be yoga or walks in the park, but that alone time is too sacred…

    • Sherry says...

      Agreed! Could’ve written this word for word!

    • Anna says...

      Well said! I think keeping newly formed friendships for working moms is specially hard. I personally meet great people in different settings all the time but it becomes a production to carve out time to follow-up with them. Even when I have free time I don’t want to waste it exchanging endless emails/texts with people to find a suitable activity and the time to do it. So I don’t because I rather use the time to relax and unwind. I wish for an article about being your own best friend!

    • Diana says...

      Oh my yes!!! I want friends but love and need lots of alone time. I get worried making new friends bc I don’t want to disappoint them with me “friends in small increments” policy! I’d love to get together once in a while. Not feel like friends are pissed at me for not wanting to spend every night or weekend together but a once in a while friend of that makes sense. I am a loving caring reliable always there for you person just require a lot of independent me time!

  121. Amanda says...

    Wait, are you me? I’m an introvert who is obsessed with Twin Peaks AND Michael Shannon! You sound fabulous!

    I’ve lived in the same town my entire life, which is both good and bad for finding new friends. I do find it helps to have a job with people you genuinely like. I’ve made several close friends with people at my current job. I’ve also made friends with people from my yoga classes.

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      WHAT! You made my day, Amanda! xoxoxo

    • Elizabeth says...

      Michael Shannon is the most underrated actor of our generation. He can do no wrong.

  122. i was thinking about this same thing just this morning! a few months ago, my husband and i were waiting for our takeout order at a local ramen place, and the woman next to me was wearing adorable leopard-print flats, and i’ve been looking for a pair. so i complimented them and asked where she got them, and we spoke a little bit about shopping, and she was really nice! and then we all left. and my husband was like “you should have asked for her number!” and i was all “wait WHAT? you can’t just DO that!” but you can!!! and maybe next time i will.
    ps – i live in brooklyn and would happily be your friend! ha!

  123. Alice says...

    This is great advice Stella! I love that it differs from the typical – join a club, volunteer, invite people for dinner. It can be much smaller than that – “just say something!”

    I moved to the suburbs two years ago and with work, family, kids activities, I’ve been too busy to think about making new friends – like it’s something I need to consciously be doing. Your post reminded me that a little shifts can add up….I will linger a bit longer when I casually say hello to a fellow mom at drop-off, send a quick text letting people know we’re going to the playground “you should come!”, and give it time – dear friends are not made overnight :)

    You’ve got a great voice and I hope you enjoy the city…it was my favorite place to spend my 20s!

  124. Emma says...

    After moving between 4 cities in 4 years I really need these tips! It has been a real struggle for me to find and maintain friends, and something I think about quite often. I was in a job interview a few weeks ago and the interviewer asked me (I swear on all that is holy) “how do you make friends when you move to a new city?” I was like COME ON! ANY OTHER QUESTION!

    I’ve just started a monthly Supper Club with a few random Facebook acquaintances (our first “meeting” is next week) loosely inspired by Friday Night Meatballs!

  125. There are a lot of cultural differences around making friends. I had (an American) friend in graduate school who spent a year in Germany working on a post-doc. He was in a graduate level seminar with a very small group of students. One time he had an interesting exchange with one of the guys during class and after class was over, he asked the guy if he’d want to go grab a beer and keep talking. The guy (German), said…. and I quote… “No, thank you. I already have enough friends.” WHAT?!

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      MY DEEPEST FEAR! Ahhhhh

    • are says...

      would only happen in Germany, no need to fear:)

    • M says...

      Maybe cultural, but also just bitchy. I moved to Texas and someone here had a large gathering with all the neighbours. One lady (very pretty) said—after suggestion by the host to be introduced to me— loudly and clearly, “I don’t need any new friends” and turned around. I think jerks run through every continent. ;)

    • Mary says...

      I just gasped out loud.

    • Steph says...

      I don’t think you can judge a whole culture based on some isolated experiences. Now that I’m a mom and work full-time is hard for me to stay connected, but my friends from Germany never give up and keep calling and checking in on me, even if I flake for months. There are great and not so great friends in every culture.

    • Beth says...

      I’ve lived in Germany for close to 8 years. Trust me, that guy was not being rude and nasty, just stating fact. It is extremely hard to make friends in Germany because many friendships are forged in elementary school (no joke) and people haven’t the desire or the social skills to approach strangers. It seems that most of the time only the other foreigners truly understand and take care of the newbies.

    • Sarah says...

      That sounds very German to me, last night my fiancé and I signed a lease on our first apartment together, and met the owner for the first time. She’s German, and my fiancé speaks it fluently, so they got along quite well and had a whole conversation before looping me back in. As we were heading out, she started to tell us a story about someone, saying “A friend of mine – ” and then she corrected herself: “no, an acquaintance.” I thought it was pretty funny (if unintentionally so).

  126. Love this! After finishing grad school, most of my closest friends moved away, and the one that was left had a new baby, so I hardly hung out with anyone. There was a girl I knew tangentially because of the cafe I worked at, and because of my husband and I totally just messaged her on facebook and asked her out on a friend date. I basically said, I’ve seen you around and I think you’re really cool and we could be friends. Wanna go drink wine? And she said yes, we had an awesome time, and now, two years later, she is one of my closest friends. I think it helped to think of making friends like dating- you won’t know if you like each other until you hang out, so why not just ask?

  127. Colleen says...

    All I had to do was join a running group and chat with the moms at school. Instant friends!

  128. Oh my, I so needed this today! I’m about to make a life-changing, terrifying move to LA and the thought of making adult friendships is making me anxious. Thanks for the you’re-not-alone post!

    • Jessica says...

      I just replied to another LA commenter above–but I also just made a terrifying move to LA (3 days ago)! Let’s be friends! :)

  129. Maud says...

    This article is so timely! My husband and I have recently been discussing how sad it is not to have more “couple friends”. He moved to NY 5 years ago from Mexico (where all of his closest friends still live) and, while I have been in this city longer, most of my friends have either gotten married and moved away or are still single. Every time I see a movie or show with a tight group of girlfriends or a few close-knit couples, it makes me sad… but your article makes it seem fixable! Thanks for sharing :)

  130. Laura C. says...

    Oh, yes, of course. When my eldest started school two years ago, I met another 25 moms, potential new friends. Some of them are really nice.
    Last September, my little one started school too and there we go again! 25 new moms-potential new friends! And this time all of them seem to be really nice!
    Since I am a SAHM, I don’t have colleagues and the moms are making my days.

  131. uughghhghgh thank you Stella for this post!!! I moved to DC from LA a few months ago and am feeling basically everything you described, especially the all-my-people-are-far-away melancholy. Luckily I moved into a house with 4 other young people/potential friends and they’ve introduced me to some new cool people, but I’m still struggling to find my own community here and as an introvert it’s definitely exhausting. But good to know I’m not the only one going through it all!!! Can’t wait to take some of your suggestions and find some more of my people on this side of the country. (I’ll start by suggesting we grab a coffee next time I’m in NYC/if you’re ever in DC??) Besos to y’all at COJ!!

    • Kim says...

      I moved to DC last July from SF (two weeks after getting married) and now that I finally feel settled in, it’s my friends I miss the most (OK, and good burritos). Anyone up for a DC CoJ meetup? At least DC has good coffee going for it :)

    • Maggie says...

      Me! I’m in DC, too, and am trying desperately to make some new friends. Would love to grab coffee! I agree with you, Kim, we do have some good choices here :)

    • Kim says...

      Those interested in DC meet up – please email me and I’ll get something together! kimgmestre at gmail dot com

    • Rachel B says...

      I’d love to join a DC meet up also!

  132. Loved this post, Stella! I had a mantra last year that worked well: When in doubt, reach out.

    So, for example, a former co-worker’s dad died and I decided to send him a heartfelt email. Or, I’d be thinking of an old classmate I’d randomly text her. I even knocked on an apartment-neighbor’s door I barely knew and asked her to cat sit. (I knew she had a cat :) It’s SO easy to sit around and think “Is everyone hanging out without me?” (to quote Kaling) but I’ve found people to be MUCH more receptive than you’d think.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      “I’ve found people to be MUCH more receptive than you’d think.” = I agree!!! I feel like most people generally want to hang out :)

  133. Caitlin says...

    Hi Stella!
    This article could NOT have come at a better time as I just found out yesterday my best friend/roommate is moving to Boston for her dream job (happy for her, sad for my social life), and I’m worried about finding new friends when I’m always the most comfortable and happy with my college friends (most of whom also live in Boston).

    This is all great advice—I appreciate your candidness and willingness to be open to lots of new things. Just wondering, as a fellow New Yorker and lover of all things outdoors, books/movies/television shows, and casual/low-stress social situations, do you have any recommendations for things that you’ve already done/are planning to do to get yourself out there to meet more people? Even doing a whole post about this could be cool (like reporting from different types of events and your takes on them as good ways to meet new people).

    Absolutely love your addition to Cup of Jo and if you’re ever looking for another pal to discuss strange celebrity crushes with or just grab coffee, I’m now definitely in the market for new friends :)

    • Kirsten says...

      Hi Caitlin!

      I too live in NYC and though I’ve been here for a while, I’m lacking the close friend group I was privileged to have in college. I’m still close with those girls, but they are now scattered across the country (some are up in Boston, as well!). I’ve tried a few ways of making friends to varying degrees of success. I I joined ClassPass a year ago and came up with a bunch of pick up lines to start talking to other women in class. Everyone I spoke to was so friendly and I ended up taking class with some of the women on other occasions, but I didn’t form any serious friendships doing this. I blame that on my self though; if I had tried harder to translate our casual friendships to a more legitimate one, who knows what might have happened! I love the outdoors, reading, movies, and TV too, so I tried searching for a book club or outdoors club to be a part of but didn’t have much luck. If you have any friends who have friends moving to your area, it could be helpful to reach out to them. I poached a good friend this way! One of my best friends from college’s best friend from high school (does that make sense?!) moved to NYC to Maryland so knowing that she probably didn’t know many people, I messaged her on Facebook and she’s now one of my closest friends in the city.

      Hope some of my rambling is a little helpful. If any NYC women are looking for friends, I’m always looking for new people!

    • Leah says...

      Loved this post and would also love to meet other CoJ readers in NYC!!

    • I’m in the same boat! To Kirsten below, I find it hard to meet people in workout classes because I feel like I’m there to get a good workout and I find it hard to worry about that and about making friends/not looking too ridiculous in front of strangers. So I have to at least pretend I’ll never see the people in my class again! :)
      I also love reading and TV as well as any crafting/DIY projects and live in NYC – would love to meet up and meet new people.

    • Kirsten says...

      To the group of women who have commented on this post and are interested in perhaps organizing a COJ meetup, I think that would be so fun. Any ideas on how to organize this? I created a Facebook group (link below) that might be a good starting place!

      https://www.facebook.com/groups/1795552010696261/

  134. lindsay says...

    Thank you for this! I just moved with my husband from a small town in Oklahoma to a slightly larger city (Twin Falls!) in Idaho. We came for his work, and I am not working yet. The only person I know in town is HIM.
    My methods for meeting new friends will have to be a little different from yours (since I don’t have coworkers or subways) but your optimism really inspires me! I’ll have to force myself to be more friendly when I’m out and about (and I’ll have to go out and about more).

  135. Awads says...

    Love this! I moved to Washington, DC a long time ago with one friend, who immediately met a dude and never spent another night at our place again. sadness ensued, but it didn’t take long to get back out there. I didn’t make one BFF, but i had tons of friends and a happy social life. Now, married with a kid, I envy your nights of 90s sitcoms and long strolls alone!! And you see movies!!?? Enjoy your life!

  136. Kate says...

    This is me, but in San Francisco right now! I moved from Denver about a year ago and only in the couple months have I started to come out of the awkward feelings and homesickness. There were nights in the beginning where my heart ached just to wander into my neighborhood wine bar back in Denver where everyone knew my name. Then, there were the times I’d make cheesy jokes with new acquaintances, and they wouldn’t laugh! Eeeek! I thought I’d DIE of embarrassment – I always thought humor was the fastest way to shorten the distance between two people. If I couldn’t laugh with people, I didn’t think I’d survive my new life!

    I’ve finally reconnected with some old acquaintances in the area and found the challenge of building new friendships really rewarding. I also joined a social club for singles that encouraged me to try new things and explore my new locale – the more events I attend, the more people i add to my network. I just have to remember that it takes TIME to build a community!

    • Whitney says...

      Hi Kate! What is the name of the social club you joined? My best friend just moved to the Bay Area and I’d love to pass along any reccos!

    • Christina R says...

      Hi Kate! What was the neighborhood wine bar in Denver where everyone knew your name? I’m always on the hunt for a good spot!

    • Sasha says...

      Hey Kate!

      Let’s be friends! I’m in SF too :) Wine not? lol

    • Kate says...

      The group in San Francisco is Events and Adventures.
      BookBar is the wine bar/book store/coffee shop in Denver! Lovely place, lovely people!!!

    • Virginia says...

      Just moved to SF 3 months ago, shoot me an email or message on Instagram for a meetup? :) My insta is @vyutiful

  137. Kate says...

    This is a great piece Stella! I have many of the same challenges. I also have introvert tendencies, and have to work to put myself out there!

  138. Abby says...

    I met my best friend since moving to a new state in a grocery store! Our babies were wearing the same cloth diapers which gave us about 20 hours of conversation material right off the bat. Making other mom friends comes with it’s own set of obstacles (i.e.: trying to get a word in edgewise when all 4 of our kids are hanging out with us), but there’s really something to be said for going through life with other people by your side.

  139. Thanks for sharing Stella! Great article which sounds very familiar to me. After moving from Paris, France to Boston 6 years ago and then from Boston to California 3 years ago, I have been in that same boat! The good thing now is that I have friends in Paris, Boston and here in Oakland.
    I think kids are a good help. They are much more socially free than we are as adults. One of the best friend I have met here is completely randomly at an ice cream shop. Our daughters started playing together like they have been friends forever. So we looked at each other and started chatting! We realized we had a lot in common and we are really good friends now.
    Also you get to meet a lot of people at your kids’ school.

    • Carolyn says...

      We have so much to learn from kids watching them make friends! And then to remember that very same impulse to befriend the kid right next to you and just start playing is still in all of us. Right?

  140. Ali says...

    Working on your cooking can help! I recently met two women who I would now call great friends, despite our social networks being largely established. I had a bit of a falling in and then (mostly respectful) falling out with a man in their group – but I so badly wanted to still be friends with those women. I’ve always enjoyed cooking and it made it pretty easy to say “hey, I’m trying out a new recipe, want to ‘test’ it for me?” to them.

  141. Christina says...

    I moved from Canada to London, England nearly two years ago, and it’s been challenging. The city is so massive, when you make plans with someone, it can take them 90 minutes on public transport to come to you or vice versa! Also, my husband works a lot, so when he’s free, I want to spend time with him, but then it’s a situation of him or them (possibly). It’s hard, and when I move again this year to Australia, I’ll be effectively starting again, though this time will be a more permanent move.

    I would say my best advice is say yes to invites – is it a work night? Yes anyway! Do you feel tired? Yes anyway! Is it cold out? Yes anyway! It helps!

  142. Nancy says...

    About 10 years ago, a friend and I started a book club with the express purpose of making more friends. We invited women who we barely knew but wanted to know better. The formality of a monthly meeting with a common goal was a great jump start to friendships. The book club dissolved after about 7 years, but now I am close with 3 women who I never would have met otherwise!

  143. First off: Love that Simon & Garfunkle song.

    For me, making new friends is as bad (if not worse) than dating. I’m at the point in my life where my daughter just started school so, I kind of make friends on her coattails with the other parents. But, it’s just like ‘what if they don’t like me’? Why is it that when we are in our 30’s – social circles are so defined?

  144. Sandra says...

    Awesome post, Stella! This takes me back to when I moved to Chicago in my 20s not knowing anyone in the city. I’m also an introvert, so it was tough! (Plus there was no internet then, so no way to reach out to friends of friends through Facebook or anything.) I think once in a while you are lucky enough to meet those people you instantly become really good friends with. The rest of my friendships seemed to grow from repeated exposure to people–generally through some organized group or activity. There was a group of women I met through a volunteer organization 18 years ago who are still among my closest friends today, but we definitely weren’t BFF’s from the start. It really took a year or two of working together regularly for us to become close. So some friendships are a little slower to catch fire.

    I found the single years of my late 20s/early 30s the easiest time for me to make friends as an adult. I had a few extroverted friends, and one of them was always sending out a group email to do something or other. Now I’m in my late 40s and new to the suburbs, and it is much harder to make friends here. But I’m going to try some of your ideas. :-)

  145. Kara says...

    I just moved to a small town in Indiana and started working from home. Not nearly as many people around as in New York, but I definitely needed this reminder and will have to commit to putting some of these ideas to use! Thanks for sharing…and good luck!

  146. Alice says...

    Yes to the idea of “asking out” friends of friends. I actually told my friends (who live in my city and also who live elsewhere) that I wanted to make more friends. they set me up with potentially friends like they would for dates! I now have 3 close friends from that method!

  147. Brenna Wong says...

    I totally agree Stella! It is so tricky meeting new friends as you get older, I have found it hard as a Mum in a new town but I always feel so brave striking up a conversation with someone new!
    Good for you!

  148. My grandma, who was an only child but was incredibly social had a mantra. If you want a friend, be a friend. Words to live by.

    • Stella Blackmon says...

      Love that, Maddy!!

      Stella xx

  149. I love the optimistic tone of the article. There are so many articles that say “Making friends gets harder and harder as you get older,” which isn’t necessarily false but they make it sound as if it’s impossible!

    Your tips are really helpful. I made new friends by attending church, and joining a connect group. That really helped. It also helps to join a group through Meetup.com.

    Sarah
    SarahJaiheLee.com

  150. Sarah Kang says...

    Loved this article! I’ll be friends with you Stella ;-)