Relationships

Talking About Sex

Have you seen the new web video series FCK YES? The first episode, which came out last Thursday, features a man and a woman making out and then figuring how to get a condom.

Writer/director Emily Best and her all-women team want to promote consent as sexy. “Rather than making consent stressful — like, ‘consent, or else!’ — our goal of the series is to make getting affirmative consent a part of the sexual experience,” Best told Mashable. Best says that future episodes will show different voices, including a Muslim couple, gay couples and a transgender person.

Could not love this more!

P.S. My pet peeve on TV shows.

  1. Abi says...

    this is SO realistic and lovely. kudos!

  2. Emily says...

    I am a long time reader and wanted to put my two cents in. Joanna has the best blog out there, and I appreciate her honest and genuine discussions on real life issues for women. This community is really something special.
    I am LDS (as I know some of the other readers are, from past discussions) and waited for marriage, as did my husband. I’m happy with the choices we’ve made, but if we had made different choices we could have still landed where we are now, happy and together. I am glad to have frank discussions about the myriad of paths that the adult female can take in her life, including her sexuality. When I was younger, I only understood one very narrow path, and I am happy I took that path. However, I’m very grateful to learn more about other women and their experiences, the lives they lead and the choices they make. I have learned so much from this blog, both from Joanna’s great content and from the amazing comments.

    Besides, if a post isn’t something that interests you, isn’t it pretty easy to just click next on your reader?

  3. Forgive me if this is a repeat comment, but it struck me that the only motivation behind using a condom that they mention is not wanting to get pregnant versus mentioning STDs. I get that they can’t turn this sexy clip into a sex-ed class, but I did notice that. And that’s truthfully where I’d be thinking myself, but it sort of relates back to the pet peeve about TV not promoting/showing safe sex in a way.

    Part 2: I think if there was a series about married sex and they had only slept with each other because they’d waited, I’d be interested and open to perhaps seeing what the dynamics of that relationship were like in the sack….that’s not the road I took (sorry Mom) but different POVs can be fascinating.

  4. Emily S. says...

    I love this! Safe sex is so important, and I’m glad that it’s being portrayed here as another normal part of sex, that doesn’t have to ruin the mood. Also- I’m glad that you talk about sex here, among other topics. I’ve read your blog for years while growing up and it has provided me with a lot of healthy perspectives on sex and so many parts of adult life and relationships. Reading these posts sometimes makes me feel like I’m at a sleepover with my knowledgeable big sister haha!

  5. Juliette says...

    OMG! Joanna, I cannot believe people criticised you for this. How puritanical! I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, but people refusing to read your blog because of thi!. Those who waited to get married and said it was the best thing…..well how would they know it was the best thing if they haven’t tried the other? I have had very loving relationships and I have never been married. I find the negative comments really righteous and extreme. But then again, I am not American, and as they say in the rest of the world, “only in America”.
    We need to educate young girls, so we need this. Not only young girls, but a doctor friend told me that there are a lot of post menopausal women contracting STIs.
    First time commenting after years of reading. I love your blog but it is pretty safe. You are an intelligent woman and could write on more controversial topics, but I guess some readers might find that too much.
    It’s a pity people don’t want to be challenged. Then again, I don’t regard this clip as that challenging. It would be shown in sex ed in my country, yet your country has much higher rates of teen pregnancy.
    As we watch what’s going on over there regarding the election etc, it would be so great to have intelligent commentary on that as well as the gorgeous posts on food and clothes. You have a good mind and it’s a pity we don’t see more of it.

  6. Sandy says...

    On a slightly related topic, I would love to hear more about how you are talking about sex with your kids as they get older. Thank you!

  7. Rebecca says...

    I applaud this. Just because you use a condom does not automatically equal a casual situations and every experience is unique. That aside, not talking about using condoms (in casual sex situation or not) does not “make it go away” and I’m happy to see it addressed in an empowering, safe way.

  8. Anna says...

    This is great!

  9. Jessie says...

    Did anyone else notice that her ring changes fingers?!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      omg good catch of a continuity error! those are my favorite things to catch while watching TV. i’m always like HE PUT HIS DRINK DOWN!!!! etc :)

  10. Cait says...

    Although probably a minority, I intentionally avoid movies/tv with sex, which obviously drastically whittles down the modern choices. Still, we exist. I love Cup of Jo and don’t expect this viewpoint shared in the slightest – just wanted to put it out there, however tiny the sliver of readers like me is.

    • Danette says...

      I am completely with you. I have enjoyed this blog, but don’t feel comfortable reading something that makes light of something I consider sacred. If this continues, I will no longer be a follower.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      thank you so much for your reply! i completely hear your viewpoints. here, i wanted to say that if someone choses to have sex before married (which many people do), it’s definitely best to have safe sex. but i see your point that you’d rather not talk about sex outside marriage. thank you for weighing in!

    • Megan says...

      Completely Agreed! I love Cup of Jo as well but it makes me sad to see casual sex applauded because rarely (if ever) is the outcome emotional security and the two people involved putting the other before their own needs. You cannot be emotionally vulnerable without the safety of knowing the other person will be there day after day and year after year. Is uncommitted physically safe sex really safe? Don’t our emotional wounds count? Is it responsible and loving to promote this in a young female community? Cup of Jo has such an amazing voice and women are listening…

    • Ellen says...

      Amen to Cait and Danette. I don’t need this garbage.

    • Serena says...

      Not so tiny. I with held from sex and it was all the worthwhile when I did get married. Seems like a rarity these days. But I do respect that if people are doing it – this is informative and a better take than the forcefulness of what people are watching on shows, i.e. GIRLS.

    • Elle_dee_em says...

      There’s nothing in the clip that suggests it’s casual sex; the script clearly avoids that, and you can interpret the scene however you choose, as this situation can apply to any type of sexual relationship. Maybe they’re married (or not!), and just ran out of condoms, and she doesn’t want to have sex because her legs are hairy and she feels unsexy? Both of these situations have occurred to me during marriage (and before); It’s just something that can happen when you have sex. Practicing safe sex and consent are still important parts of marriage, and don’t stop just because you’ve got a ring on.
      I applaud this web series for promoting safe sex (and consent) as sexy, and I’m glad Joanna shared it with us!

    • Hey Cait – would you be comfortable on sharing why you do that? Coming for a curious place of love, not ridicule.

    • Anna says...

      Ellen, I don’t know about “garbage” — seems like too strong a word? I get that people don’t want to talk about sex (and some might not want to talk about finances, homes, sponsored posts, etc etc) but couldn’t you just skip this post and read the others? I mean, it’s her blog and you don’t pay to read it. Why is it garbage? Maybe if you provide more context, i.e. what your issues are with is and what you’re looking for, it will help Joanna cater to your interests.

    • Rosabella says...

      I think this video would also be excellent to promote the idea that casual sex does NOT have to be selfish, careless and unemotional (and protection-less), and it definitely does NOT have to be about “using” the other person for your own satisfaction and not caring about them. I am now convinced that people who approach casual sex that way also tend to view relationships that way, because it doesn’t make sense to “reserve” honesty, basic respect and decency for the person, communication and empathy “just” for your committed partners, and view “casual” encounters as not really people, and ultimately disposable. As I see it, the main difference between a committed partner and the casual partner should lie in the relationship and life that lie beyond the sex, and the level of intimacy and trust involved.
      To Danette….I would suggest just skipping this post, although if it offends it would be far more interesting to hear your side more fully. Of course, the risk we all run by engaging in open and honest conversation is that hearing different points of view may challenge our own beliefs, and even change us…

  11. I can’t wait to check this out! Thanks!

    (And PSA: please take your damn socks off gentlemen. Even if they are the chic restlesssocks line lol)

    • Katie says...

      I am totally guilty of leaving my own socks on, especially in the winter! I just feel so much more comfortable! Haha besides my feet are never that pretty…

  12. LOVE this! It’s so realistic! Fun, funny, safe and with no power play. Unfortunately my husband is on a work trip now….

  13. KATRINA says...

    Wowza!

  14. I did a lot of work with rape and sexual assault counseling in college and would have died to have this as a teaching tool. We did a whole campaign around the totally realistic, true idea of “Consent as Sexy”. It can be! This video is funny and charming and sexy all while ensuring that both partners are 100% percent on the same page. Brilliant!

  15. virginie says...

    So cool! And totally agree that for once it’s just looks…”normal”?! Like that’s the way things happen right?!

  16. Lizzie says...

    I liked this video, too! Very sexy and real. I do want to give a shout out for pregnancy prevention method like an IUD or a contraceptive implant to be used along with the condom (to protect from STD’s). The IUD and the implant are called LARC (long-acting reversible contraception) and they constitute the current gold standard in contraception. ACOG (American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) classes LARC as “first-line” contraceptive options. As in, doctors are advised to discuss them with patients first- before any other contraception methods. The idea is that LARC aren’t user dependent like other birth control methods and are therefore many, many, many times more effective in preventing unwanted pregnancy. With LARC, woman can “set it and forget it”. It turns out that the old standbys like the pill and condoms don’t have such great real- life effectiveness ratings. Hey, come to think of it, I think an article on LARC would be quite interesting to Cup of jo readers!!!

    • I had the opposite reaction. As I watched this, I was happy to see that a non-hormonal method of birth control was being promoted. Absolutely nothing has been proven, but in the last four years, three young women that I have been close with have been diagnosed with breast cancer. It seems that no one knows what is causing this influx, but because it has hit so close to home, so many times, I am wary of anything that is going to be messing with my hormones.

    • I meant to type four young women in the last three years. Sadly, even worse.

    • Lizzie says...

      I am so sorry to hear about these experiences of your loved ones. I will say-one of the two major IUD’s don’t have hormones at all. The Paragard IUD works via copper- it’s actually quite a simple, low-tech, and in a sense, natural approach, and an excellent choice for women who wish to avoid hormonal contraception.

    • michimidue says...

      It sure is the best option to combine the two methods (LARC + condoms), but, when talking about casual sex, condoms are a must, while IUDs alone increase the risk of STDs. Contraception is not the only thing to worry about.

  17. Amy says...

    THIS! Yes. Fuck yes. :)

  18. Jessie says...

    This is the best!! Actually wish I had resources like this when I was dating.

  19. Bindi says...

    This actually happened to me once. We both walked down the street together, both condoms and vitamin water (because I knew I would need it the next morning) and started back up when we got home. It was so NOT a buzz kill and kept the anticipation going longer. And I actually found it fun and sexy that we are both together looking at the gas station clerk like “yep”.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      that is actually so cute!!

  20. Clementine says...

    I genuinely think that might have been the FIRST time I’ve seen sex on film that in any way resembled sex as I have actually experienced it. Although I haven’t particularly sought it out on screen, I certainly haven’t avoided it, and nor have I missed so very much in the way of cinema and television over the last 35 years. Where has the fun, funny sex BEEN? Even Girls (which I love!) consistently makes sex a form of power play…

    I’ve often wondered how on earth young people today navigate their early experiences when trying to make sense of it through the distorted looking glass of the web. It felt hard enough to do twenty years ago, and that was with Judy Blume as your guide!

    Well; awesome work Awesome Lady Team who made it – you rocked my world (with the appropriate protection).

    Thanks Joanna for sharing!

  21. KT says...

    Jo, I’ve been watching Girls from episode 1 on (second time through) and thought you might want a refresher: lots and lots of conversation around condoms and condoms being put on in the heat of the moment and snapped off after sex. I think it’s actually realistic for Lena Dunham to have some scenes in which condoms are either not discussed or blatantly being put on or taken off because it would get tedious for the viewer (we can assume they’re being used, even if we don’t witness it); sometimes, let’s be real, people do not use condoms (bad idea, but that’s life). No one is watching Girls for lessons on life. We watch the show to get entertained.

    • Emily says...

      To piggy back off of this – it just occurred to me that Marnie not using protection with Charlie is actually very consistent with her character. In the first season when she schedules the abortion for Jessa, she tearfully tells Hannah that she thinks she’s infertile because she’s never had a pregnancy scare despite being “sexually irresponsible enough in [her] life.” While I agree she is dumb for not using protection, it’s something she’s said about herself before.

  22. Jamie says...

    Love this!!!

  23. I LOVE this. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I totally agree — how can it possibly be that we are in 2016 and the conversation about protection isn’t just a standard part of pre-sexy-time discussion? In most of our personal lives, obviously it is (if we aren’t having babies left and right)….but why isn’t it part of the dialogue we see about sex in movies, tv, books, etc? LOVE what they are doing with this!

  24. G says...

    ahahaha the goofiness is so real! Buttons, bra clasps and co. are the enemies!

  25. Eliza says...

    That was HOT! I will have to catch this show. Love that it presents it in a positive light. Thank you for sharing!

  26. Natalie Brennan says...

    yes, yes!

  27. Oooh I would love to catch a episode of this programme. Sex is a part of life and should be shown and presented in sexy healthy way! Xx

    http://www.lauralivinglife.com

  28. Celeste says...

    Like whoa I’m way better at this than I thought

  29. Kate says...

    Speaking of sex on TV shows, I cannot get over how Mindy got accidentally pregnant on The Mindy Project and they totally glossed over it without explanation or even mentioned it. And they are both OBGYNs!!! Drives me NUTS! And is really disappointing to me tbh. Missed opportunity, and really inconsistent with the rest of the show I think.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      i also don’t believe the narrative that they were totally in love and then broke up because she wanted to keep her job. it seems so forced and unrealistic. but overall i still really enjoy the show. morgan makes me laugh every time :)

    • Personally, I don’t believe in “accidentally pregnant” … it would be an accident if your condom broke or the pill failed but when you have sex, aside from how good it feels, something else happens every time.. it isn’t a surprise .. so if you aren’t looking to get pregnant, do something to prevent it .. it isn’t an accident.

    • Jenn says...

      I agree that they should have done better to explain how it happened (I think there was something about Morgan being in charge of Mindy’s birth control pills?? Maybe I made that up), but Mindy Kaling has said that she really wanted Mindy and Danny to have an accidental pregnancy BECAUSE they are both OBGYNs and it just seemed like the most ridiculous thing she could think of

  30. It’s about time that somebody presented healthy sex that involves both participants enjoying it (rather than a weird porn version) and being responsible.

    • Liz says...

      haha yes!

  31. Danielle says...

    that was awesome!