Do or Don’t: Scheduling Sex

Hi Jo-
I was just curious….3 years later, do you still do this? We just started “Friday Fun Nights” since we fell into a rut post-baby and i think I recalled reading this post awhile back. Would you mind sharing a follow up as to how long this worked and/or if you tweaked your pattern over time? I always thought it was a great idea, so I’d love a follow up to see how it works long term!! Thanks for sharing something so personal- and helpful to others!!

Well my husband says that I always want to have sex at the wrong times. So he wanted to set a sex day for us to be together. I really didn’t agree to this arrangement. I just went along with it cause he is my husband. I will say from my point of view it kills your sex life. Planned sex becomes boring and repetitious. I really just do it because of my husband and I love him very much. I an’t gone lie sometimes it becomes the most amazing sex sometimes. On the other hand it’s boring at times to many. So let me know what you think.

I believe, to my very core, that had my now ex-husband and I scheduled time for sex after our baby was born that we’d still be married. By the time baby was toddler, we were having sex maybe once every six weeks.

When I met met my to-be second husband we made a commitment to never, ever, EVER go a week without sex (for the first four year we didn’t go a day without getting ‘jiggy’). Eight years in and we’ve not broken our commitment – still as madly in love as when we met.

If it’s not just happening – SCHEDULE IT!

Been married for 33 years. We started scheduling sex about 2 years ago and its the best thing every.
Before it was once a month maybe. Now its once a week. Scheduling helps get your mind into it. If you know your going to have sex that night its the anticipation thats great. My wife loves it as well.
It works for us.

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my siggy and I used to try and force it, and it just killed the mood entirely-and now we just usually make time to snuggle (between classes, after homework, in the morning on weekends…) and if it turns into something else, great! If not, well, snuggling is the next best thing ;)

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Patient Appointment Scheduling

What I have trouble wrapping my head around is if we hire a baby sitter for a date night, then feel in the mood when we get home, can we just disappear to the bedroom for a bit? That would be really embarrassing. I guess we could revert to being teenagers in the car, haha.

M boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties with no children and no huge work responsibilities yet, but I thought I’d weigh in: I really enjoy spontaneous scheduled sex. Back when we were in college together we would always plan things like, “Sex when I get back from class?” or “Sex now and then library or library then sex?” We also liked to joke that our three S’s of college were: Sleep, Sex, Study. Clearly we made it a priority. Now, sometimes we wake up and one of us suggests., “Sex as soon as we’re both home?” It’s so fun and it gives me something to look forward to through the work day. (even though we’d probably be having sex anyway!) So while we aren’t busy enough now, I don’t think I’d mind scheduling sex later in life. Plus, I love anticipation :)

Yes, yes, yes! As a mom of 4 kids it is almost impossible to find the time to wash my hair never mind trying to get busy with my hubby..but, scheduling a little get busy sesh is such a good idea!

LOVE that you always tackle the interesting stuff!! Like many other commenter’s I am torn between planned and unplanned – I think we try and keep a mental note of how many times a week we have done the deed and compensate accordingly

on the other hand we as a family know not to call mum and dad on a Sunday morning lest we disturb their routine and they have been happily married for 28 years – last time I visited they even kicked me out of the house for a few hours

We have a boy who is 3 now, The first year was very hard bc he did not sleep well, but even then we did not have to plan sex. Now he is a little man so things are easier.
But if planning is good for you i think it is a good idea!
And this is not a raison for not having kids, my son is the best thing i have done in my life!

I’m one of the people who tried this out and it didn’t really work out in the way that I hoped.

My husband and I have set aside date night for two years now, and Wednesday night really is something we’ve come to look forward to. We typically plan our at home meals for the week, leaving Wednesday night as a wildcard to see how we feel, most of the time opting for a nice meal out and sometimes mixing it up by going to a bar, or trying something new. I never schedule anything on Wednesdays – my friends have come to know that I’m not available, and they love the idea. And so did I.

Until recently.

We found that a lot of our fights and disagreements unfortunately happened on those date nights. 40% of the time we end up disappointed that the night didn’t turn out the way we hoped, and I realized that we were putting pressure on ourselves to make it perfect. Amidst a busy schedule, putting this time aside was a great idea for a while, and it helped us focus, but, when things aren’t all that great, date night isn’t going to be great, and it’s supposed to be.

So we canceled date night last week, and it was the best change we’ve made in a while. We went to dinner with some friends, and ended up getting into an argument about something else, anyway, on the date night that was canceled. But, I didn’t feel like the night or the week was ruined, like we missed our chance to have a good time. Instead of feeling obligated to have fun at a scheduled time, we started to have fun all the time. We might have even missed the idea of date night, and just made it happen on Thursday, and Friday, and right now as he sits next to me.

In short, my opinion is, definitely, set aside time for each other especially if you can’t find the time otherwise – it is so important to focus on the relationship with total attention, and it really does become something to look forward to. But, on the other hand, if after trying it, it doesn’t end up working out, just change it up again. Even if it means taking something away. Too much of one thing is never good.

No thanks
No scheduling for us
It just seems so stiff and uptight… Like weekly meal plans and his hers list of chores… Yuck

I just think people love to think they have super busy lives but really, most dont. Otherwise people would not watch
so much crap on tv. I will watch Bachelor shows and American Idol of I have time left after sex, priorities people!

The Gentleman and I have to do this or we’ll just move into “roommate” territory. We’re just too busy and exhausted to rely on spontaneity.

I think this is great. Mainly because I felt the same way, you should never plan it. Unfortunately with school, working and interning, there is very little alone time. I don’t have a child yet, but I’m tired from everything else. Scheduling works for my husband and I. It’s the only way we can have our intimate moments right now. I think planning sex is better than no sex (my husband would agree too). :)

I think, as long as it turns you on, it’s good.

We don’t go so far as to schedule it (yet!), but I’ve been known to put it on the to-do list of weekend chores. That notepad sits on the counter and it always makes us laugh to see “hot sex” between “take recycling to the dump” and “replace lightbulbs in kitchen light.” And it always gets checked off!

A friend told me recently that her and her husband have instituted a weekly naked night. They commit that that night they will each go to bed naked instead of wearing PJs or even just underwear. Sex is not required, but as you might guess, it often happens!

I think ANONYMOUS might be missing the point of what you are trying to say. Of course if a NON-planned moment arises that is just a bonus. But if you don’t look closely at the routines of your kids and try to squeeze alone time in when they are at school or sleeping, then it may never materialize on its own.

I think with small children in the house, if you don’t try to schedule quiet time alone – you’ll never have it! Gone are the days of it being just about the two of us! With other peeps in the house with different sleep schedules – you better take advantage of an opportunity! Something I never would have thought of before kids!

The first time I thought about scheduling sex, I thought it was weird too. then I realized, like you, that its kind of sexy and the anticipation makes it even more sexy. With our crazy schedules, sometimes we have to “pencil us in”. thanks for posting this.

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I think my favorite thing is that you’re ballsy enough to even bring it up! It is hard to find the time with little people around and 2 careers! We have tried scheduling it, but it’s never worked out for us. Though, that said, I can’t say we gave it an honest go! Perhaps we’ll try again!

As someone who loves planning and knowing what to expect throughout my day, I love the idea.

However, as a couples/marriage counselor, I have seen it backfire and, for that reason, would be wary to recommend it to any of my clients. For distressed couples who have different levels of desire for sex and typically aren’t having much of it, a sex schedule can become an additional source of tension and scorekeeping in the relationship. It can also cause sex to lose its flavor of sensuality, dwindle down to intercourse only, and become nothing but another chore to check off the list.

That being said, there is undoubtedly great value in setting aside time to have conflict-free fun, conversation, and sensuality with your partner, whether it involves sex or not. If you and your partner both like the idea of negotiating a sex schedule, with the mutual understanding that, if need be, either of you is allowed to turn it down in the moment, it can be a great source of enjoyment and anticipation and help ensure that your sex life stays active and fun!

Could I ask a question of the ladies who are doing the “secret” planning – do you feel that you are deliberately taking the initiative or does it just happen that way? And is the initiative shared?

I feel that I often have to take the initiative and I’m really struggling with resentment around that.

I actually really like this ideas as well! Planning a time gives me the opportunity to build excitement in my mind, making him absolutely irresistible once the time comes. Sometimes my husband doesn’t like the idea of planning, so I pick a time in my mind when I’m going to seduce him and then take him by surprise!

I totally understand why you guys would want to do this! In fact it might not be a bad idea for my husband and I. We are newlyweds (less than a year, so I can still say that right?) and our sex life is pretty minimal. He works 90+ hours a week and so unless I want to wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning when he is coming home – it’s just not happening. I appreciate that you brought this up; sex is important in a marriage and we should make time for it just like everything else.

OK, so we had kid #2 last summer, and our sex life went off the rails. We were way too tired, mainly. And I have a very supportive, compassionate husband in this regard, but I finally decided something had to be done… the sex we were having was hurried, tired, occasional, vanilla sex that you worry about when you think about having kids. I concluded that maybe quality and quantity are positively related (?) and embarked on an experiment to test the hypothesis… sex every night. After 3 consecutive nights my husband thought I had lost my mind, and I fessed up to the experiment. (Which (inevitably) got dubbed the Sexperiment.)
And, it turned out to be true: having sex is a little like going to the gym. Maybe you’re not in the mood, but once you’re there you are so glad you went. And the more you go, the happier you become, the better you feel. Scheduling it, and mainly just doing it regularly, is key.

I love planned sex! Even if it’s just waking up in the morning and saying “Hey let’s have sex tonight.” Then ALL DAY you’re thinking about what you’re going to do/say/feel and the build up really adds to the excitement if you ask me!

Yup, me and my husband do. Mostly because we are living with mny parents at the moment which means we kinda have to – we find out when everyone else is out for the evening and make sure its a day when im not teaching (leaves me exhausted!) Its a grand idea! *s*

Great idea! makes total sense as by the end of the dAy we are both SO tired to feel sexy…

I like it only because I know that I can feel totally out of it at the beginning and then by the time we’re done I’m happy. So scheduling helps me have that kick in the butt to actually head toward the bedroom. Not that we have a standing scheduled night, but we do sort of agree in advance.

The couples we know who we assume don’t have sex too often (for various reasons) are always the grouchiest. Any way you can make it happen is the way to go. Planned or unplanned. If more people were had sex regularly the world would be a more relaxed place.